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Help me get over my Ex - it's been 10 years ffs!

(5 Posts)
FakingBliss Tue 21-Jun-11 17:15:23

Name changed as DH knows I use MN. I can't afford counselling which is what I think I really need so I need your advice/ass kicks. I'll try and keep this to the point.

Me and my ex (first love) were together for almost five years, I met him aged 17 he was eleven years older. We fell in love, were very happy and bought a place together when I was 20. I remember thinking on our first night together in our new home that I'd made a mistake. I loved him immensely but felt I wasn't old enough for all this responsibility and believed that I had/was missing out on my twenties. I strongly believed he was the right man at the wrong time. Ex at the time was a big binge drinker and most weekends would be out with his mates watching his rugby team. This did wear me down at times and it became an issue and I left him eighteen months after we moved in together. We remained friends, I bought my own place and set about shamelessly enjoying my twenties iykwim. NOT proud of myself. He looked out for me the whole time even when my "enjoyment" caused him pain.

I met my now DH two and a half years after we split. He turned out to be a friend of my ex (they had a mutual friend) but neither ex or I knew DH when ex and I were together. Still with me?! DH was the first guy that treated me right after a string of shitbags. Things progressed very quickly and he proposed after 3 months though we didn't marry for another two years. I knew as I was walking up the aisle that I shouldn't be marrying him. I love him and went on to have two DC with him but I know deep down I have settled. I'm crying as I type this as its the first time I've admitted it to myself let alone anyone else.

My ex has also married. I believe he too has settled. His wedding day was the singlemost depressing day of my life. We are still in touch via text just to say happy birthday/xmas etc but quite often he will text me late at night to ask me how I am. For the most part I ignore these messages and put it down to his dutch courage. He still drinks but not to the extent he did with me. It saddens me that he wouldn't do this for me. I wish I could delete his number and forget him and focus on my relationship with DH which I fear is in trouble for other reasons (DH has a temper, no patience, is moody/grumpy a lot of the time - very draining) but he is still socialises with my parents and my DB and his GF and to top it off he and is DW live in the house we bought in the next cul-de-sac! All a bit too close to home (literally).

How can I move on? I think my issues with DH might be muddying the waters. There is a lot more to this but I've tried to be brief. I have this stupid, stupid fantasy that we will end up together one day. I NEED to get over this. What do I do, I left him ten years ago?

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 Wed 22-Jun-11 09:24:57

Distance yourself and focus on your marriage. When times are hard the past always looks a safer place to be. You need to remove those rose tinted specs and remember that he wasn't perfect by far.

Who are you to say his relationship is something he settled for? He gave up a lot of his drinking for this woman didn't he? He didn't for you. Some people keep their relationship private from the rest of the world.

He is txting you as a friend and a supporter no? As an older man he is taking more of a father role in your life than a lover by the sounds of it.

Try and widen your social circle and move away from spending time with him. It all sounds unhealthy to me. He bought the house first, so why are you living in the next cul de sac?

LuckyMrsT Wed 22-Jun-11 10:15:26

Cut him off! You have a family with your DH, don't destroy it. You are looking at your ex through rose tinted glasses. He was not the right man at the wrong time he was the wrong man and you're choosing to forget the other reasons it didn't work between you. You are right about one thing - the pair of you ending up together is a STUPID, STUPID FANTASY. Daydreaming about him being 'the one that got away' is very dangerous for your marriage - it's giving you an excuse to not make the effort to sort things out with your DH. Please wake up. Your ex has moved on and you know you should have too or you wouldn't have posted. Don't contact him again and take every thought of him captive. Good luck.

FakingBliss Wed 22-Jun-11 14:48:59

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I know I'm looking at this all wrong and we split for a reason. I woke up this morning feeling very different. I think writing it down helped. I'm going to focus on my DH and our beautiful DC who deserve so much more than I'm giving them right now.

BinFull I believe he's settled because of things mutual friends & my family have said. But, whatever, you're absolutely right. It's irrelevant and probably very arrogant of me. With regards to where we live, my DH bought our (his) house before my ex and I and before we all knew each other iyswim. It's just pure coincidence and terribly bad luck! I know ex is trying to sell though, so fingers crossed that will happen soon.

MrsLuckyT I've deleted his number. I wish I could ask my family to cut him off too but that's just selfish of me. My mum mentioned him before - I quickly changed the subject. As soon as he pops into my head I've been distracting myself with something else. I know what I have to do, I think I just needed it confirming.

Thank you both so much for the much needed kick up the ass blush

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 Wed 22-Jun-11 15:21:01

That is unlucky. It can't help to be that close.

Hope you find some peace and are able to move on.

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