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when you split with your dp did you feel better immediately or did you feel worse?

(21 Posts)
vegetariandumpling Tue 21-Jun-11 16:31:46

Just that really, just after you split up did you feel relieved or did you still feel something wasn't right? If you do break up with someone and don't feel better, does it mean you've done the wrong thing?

HerHissyness Tue 21-Jun-11 16:33:42

Depends why you split surely?

Mind you, even when it is abusive, there is a relief, but an overwhelming sadness and feeling of utter stupidity, even though you KNOW you have done the best thing.

It's always sad when a relationship comes to an end, as it's the end of the hope of it being great. IYSWIM grin

ineedabodytransplant Tue 21-Jun-11 17:15:45

My stbxw and myself split up a month or so ago. It wasn't acrimonious. The first week or two I felt like crap. But then we realised it was for the best. For both of us. We are now talking daily and are going out for a meal tonight as friends.

MigratingCoconuts Tue 21-Jun-11 17:20:27

all of those emotions and more. It was a very emotional and hoighly strung time where what i was feeling was not always logical.

He split from me, I was gutted but I also remember feeling 'thank god that's over'

Its the latter emotion that really stuck with time grin

toptramp Tue 21-Jun-11 17:24:27

first; worse but after some time; SO MUCH BETTER!

AuntieMonica Tue 21-Jun-11 17:25:36

i went from feelings of wtf have i done, to pure joy, then blind panic all in the space of days/and even hours at times sad

whatever you are feeling, you are not alone.....places like MN could be invaluable for sounding off without actually involving posters IYGWIM.

it took a lot of mess to get to the stage where i knew it couldn't go on, and i knew 'cleaning up that mess' was going to be hard too, now, 20 years later i can't even remember how bad i felt, but knew it really was the start of the rest of my life.

smile

mrsravelstein Tue 21-Jun-11 17:26:51

intense relief when he finally left. but i had been asking for a divorce for about 10 months by that point.

vegetariandumpling Tue 21-Jun-11 17:56:42

thanks for your replies...sometimes on mn it seems like people just know when to split and then instantly feel relieved. I wish I knew that afterwards I would instantly feel better, like a weight has been lifted, instead of never being able to get out of bed again. Your responses have made me see that there is some hope that it might eventually be ok.

HerHissyness Tue 21-Jun-11 18:18:57

It is all about detachment.

If you manage to mentally detach before the split, then you do lessen the utter GAAAHH! of it all imploding.

But you will feel sorrow, but that's OK.

HerHissyness Tue 21-Jun-11 18:20:12

Paulo Coelho says :

"The FEAR of separation is worse than the SEPARATION itself."

I found that to be absolutely spot on!

grin

vegetariandumpling Tue 21-Jun-11 18:28:36

herhissyness that's what I'm wondering...is it just fear? But then I think about it and I can't envisage ever being able to get out of bed ever again. I really hope you were right about that! Any tips for mentally detatching?

HerHissyness Tue 21-Jun-11 18:36:47

Remind yourself why you want to end things.

Imagine the future if you do nothing. Staying like it is, deteriorating even over 10 or even 20 years.

If you have kids, imagine the day when the last one leaves home leaving you with someone you don't even like very much.

That ought to do it!

<reaches for revolver> <remembers I got out> <wipes brow> Phew!

vegetariandumpling Tue 21-Jun-11 18:53:48

ok...I shall keep thinking about the bad things, and a possible certain crappy future with him.
thanks for the advice...hold on to the revolver for me grin

thenewf Tue 21-Jun-11 18:59:11

I find it's ups and downs. I was devastated at first even though I instigated the split. He was abusive to my son and I plus I found out he had been having an affair. Then I had a few good weeks when I felt like I was starting to be happy again. Now today (7 weeks apart) I feel right back at the start again with that awful sick feeling in my stomach. I know I am doing the right thing though so hold that thought up.

HerHissyness Tue 21-Jun-11 19:02:55

ha ha ha.

think about what you CAN have too. For me it was that aside from being abusive, he was also xenophobic too, so we would never have travelled anywhere, no holidays apart from his filthy hell hole loony bin Egypt.

No spain, no france, no eastern europe. He expressly forbid me from driving in Ireland (BFF lives there)

Guess what I'M doing this year for a summer holiday?.... ROADTRIP!

Why ARE you splitting?

Onemorning Tue 21-Jun-11 20:25:53

I dumped my last boyfriend because he was a total arse. The relationship was dying, and I felt immediate relief killing it.

My ex-husband was abusive, mostly emotionally. When I left him I felt really vulnerable and scared and wobbly, although I was totally right to leave him. But it got better. I shed a few tears when I got my divorce 2 years later, but I was crying for the dreams I'd had.

MotherMucca Tue 21-Jun-11 20:32:10

Yes, onemorning, that's it. I grieved a lot for the dreams of the future and the romance of what once was.

OP, as has been said, I would think you can expect your feelings to fluctuate wildly. Be prepared for that.

Saffysmum Tue 21-Jun-11 20:43:21

Veggiedumpling: I felt immediate relief, and almost two months later, still feel the same. I only had one lousy day, 3 days after he left, when I cried on and off all day. I haven't cried since. The worst part for me, was the 18 months before he left, when I was trying to make it work, and trying to change and blaming myself. That was awful. I guess I grieved for my marriage when we mentally separated; when he actually went (I threw him out) it was empowering and I could live with myself again, rather than compromising myself putting up with a man who no longer loved me.

How to detach? Well, stop talking about anything unless it's absolutely necessary. Be polite, civil, but cool. Look after yourself - develop your own interests and widen your social life/circle. Take care in your appearance for you, and you only. Spoil yourself. Stop doing more than the minimum you have to for him. Stop sleeping with him. Mentally separate. When I knew for certain, a month or so before I kicked him out, I did this - and it really helped.

Then get one of these: a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer). Worth their weight in gold.

lookingfoxy Tue 21-Jun-11 20:52:12

I felt elated the first day, then the following couple of days my mood totally crashed, I still knew I had done the right thing though, I still feel up and down, but its getting better very quickly.

Montessorisam Tue 21-Jun-11 21:04:55

Saffysmum - I had exactly those feelings - the 18 months before was the absolute worst. Now it is only really crap when we actually see each other to pick up kids and have 'words'. Still a lot of bitterness and hatred there.
Spoiling yourself is a good one - haircut, wine, flowers, chocolates (all the things you wished that he had bought you when you felt a bit down!) The days that are ok are really ok - no more worrying about he said and you said, etc. Keep strongX

mrscolour Tue 21-Jun-11 21:05:39

I felt crap to begin with, mainly because of the events that had led up to the split. After that, I often felt relieved but there was still an underlying sadness that life wasn't meant to turn out this way. I'd have a week of feeling good and positive and then another feeling really down (like the week of my brother's wedding and also accepted an offer on the house for a depressingly low price).

4 months on, I'm generally feeling positive - apart from a few frustrations with my housing situation and I never regret it.

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