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Does councilling after a relationship break up help?

(5 Posts)
MuffinsMummy Tue 21-Jun-11 14:06:25

Hi

I won't go into huge amounts of detail as I dont want to bore anybody! Here is my very brief (hopefully) story.

XH and I have been together nearly 4 years and married for 3. We have 3 DDs between us who still have comtact with him. During the marriage he really took the piss out of me. He didnt work the whole time we were married and any money her earnt went into the pub. I stayed with him in the hope that everything would get better but last year he left and started seeing someone else. Since last November we have been trying to make a go of it again but living seperately. Things have been that great as I haven't really been able to deal with the way the relationship was before. He has now started seeing someone else again.

Basically I am finding it very hard to cope with and I was wandering if councilling would help in my situation?

Thank you for reading.

SenoritaViva Tue 21-Jun-11 14:09:34

Yes definitely seek some counselling. This will help you feel better about your future, analyse what went wrong so that you are less likely to make the same mistakes again and also increase your self confidence so that you can avoid people who take the piss out of you (well that is certainly what you can hope to achieve anyway).

It is OK to need help, sorry you are having to go through this but don't do it alone.

garlicnutter Tue 21-Jun-11 14:16:43

It certainly helped me smile I needed to understand exactly what went wrong, how I contributed to it and why it happened.

In my case, that ended up with learning a whole lot of stuff I didn't know about myself, family, etc, and explained my repeating mistakes. Not everyone who enters counselling finds so much work to be done (or chooses to do it) - a couple of moths is plenty for some; others, like me, carry on with it for years.

I have to say, as well, that Mumsnet has been the most fantastic resource for understanding the dynamics of my relationships. A counsellor who said "He's a narcissistic, selfish arse" would be breaking the rules - but this forum can. It sure moves things along faster!

NanaNina Tue 21-Jun-11 14:18:45

Have I got thise right? You and your XH have been trying to make a go of it but living seperately. You posted "things have been that great" and I suspect you mean "things haven't been that great" - and he is now seeing someone else. He sounds a right charmer!! I think you should feel sorry for the woman he has now taken up with, as he sounds emotionally very immature and not capable of sustaining any relationship. He took the piss out of you (which means that he is insecure - only losers try to score points) and spent all his money in the pub. I wonder if your self esteem is very low too, not surprising after such a horrid time.

You ask about counselling - I would think that in your case it would help if it could help you to make better choices in the future and to raise your self esteem so that you become more assertive and not willing to live in a situation like you described. It does really depend on the counsellor to be honest. Are you think NHS cus if so there is usually a very long waiting list and then they offer you 6 sessions of CBT which I don't think would be right for you. If you can afford private counselling you need to google BACP and find one in your area - they charge around £40 - £50 per hour. You need to feel comfortable with the counsellor/therapist and if you don't then there is no sense in pursuing it - I had to try 3 before I got someone I could feel comfortable with and be honest with her.

We are all the person we become because of how we were parented when we were children and this is something a counsellor would want to look at with you, because very often our present day problems are in fact related back to childhood and we have to be able to distinguish about what was happening in the "then and there" and how that is affecting you in the "here and now" if you see what I mean.

Hope you can get the help and support you need.

totallylost Tue 21-Jun-11 16:14:53

I had relate counselling when I split from my first husband which helped us to deal with why we couldn't stay together. I am currently having counselling through MIND which has really helped with self confidence and self esteem issues - feel like I have found the real me for the first time in years.

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