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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm a really awful person

151 replies

Horrid · 21/06/2011 11:39

I'm a new member, I don't know where to start...i've done something terrible, and i just need to write this down as i can't talk to anyone else right now.

I don't expect understanding or anything, call me what you like, it can't be anything worse that what i've already thought of.

Basically, i have been having an affair, and am now pregnant (7 weeks). There is no chance it's my dp's as we havent had sex in nearly 2 years, and the time before that was when my daughter was conceived in May 2006....we have just basically become mates who share a bed in my eyes.

It all came out last night, dp is understandably devastated, said he still loves me etc and should have paid me more attention etc, he really really loves me, and would be willing to stay with me (why o why didn't he tell me this years ago...). But it's gone for me now, we have just moved to a new house (was supposed to be our dream), so it's just all really sh*t. I know i should have ended it first, but i just got carried away, and well, i love the father of my unborn. I do 'love' my dp, just not in that way anymore.

We have a 4 year old dd, who loves her daddy to bits and he is a great dad, and i said last night that we would stay near each other so he can see her as much as poss, as i can't bear to separate them, but he said that wouldn't work as it would kill him to see me and we would just end up slagging each other off. (i would like to think we wouldn't) so does that mean he doesn't want to see her at all?

What i am asking is, has anyone been through this before? what did you do, how did you manage the practicalities first, trying to work out how we can separate as amicably as possible and sorting out the house (which neither could afford on our own), and then how do i explain it all to our daughter?

sorry for dumping all this, but i really don't know what to do now.....

OP posts:

Report

TheOriginalFAB · 21/06/2011 11:44

No I haven't been through it.

How about you separate from your flat sharer and move in with your lover? You should think about leaving your dd with her father too.

As for explaining to your dd you tell her that her daddy and mummy don't want to live together any more but you both love her very much.

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 11:48

why assume your DD should leave her home to go with you?

come on,you know the right thing to do....so do it,dont cause anymore heartache for everyone!

the house could go up for sale....or you could pay the mortgage as you are now.

Horrid · 21/06/2011 11:50

I didn't assume dd would go with me, he did.

OP posts:

TotallyLovely · 21/06/2011 11:56

Woah what's with the attitude that the OP must give up her daughter because she's had an affair! Stinks of punishment to me!

You know that you haven't done things in the right order, so I for one am not going to try to punish you for you sin by saying you now have to leave your child.

This may seem like wishy washy advice but maybe take some time to think. Does the OM want a relationship with you or do you want to go it alone?

busymum34 · 21/06/2011 11:57

Hi - I have been through this. I wasn't pregnant but I was in a marriage where we had become like brother/sister and we had a child (2 yo).

XH admitted we were more like friends than husband/wife and he agreed to move out, although he was upset about it, whereas I honestly felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I stayed in the house and he (thankfully) helped pay the mortgage until new DP moved in a year or so later.

I explained to DS that although mummy and daddy loved him very much they didn't want to live together anymore but would still be friends (and 10 years on we still are). DS still sees his dad every weekend and other times like birthdays, Christmas etc, he is now 12 and so confident and mature, he's lovely :)

Sadly we don't always get it right first time round but the children don't have to suffer if we always put them first - and that doesn't mean staying with someone we're not happy with!

Me and my new DH are now happily married and have 2 children together.

Good luck, hope everything works out well for you.

TheOriginalFAB · 21/06/2011 11:58

It isn't a case of lose your dd because you had an affair but more a case of why should the father when he hasn't shagged around and broke the home up? . More importantly, why should the child have to move house? She certainly didn't do anything wrong.

MsTeak · 21/06/2011 11:59

Agree, TotallyL, seems like an odd way to decide custody.

Horrid · 21/06/2011 12:01

The OM does want the baby, me and wants us all to live together. Now it's all out, it does in a way feel like a weight has been lifted. just..practicalities...OM lives 160 miles away, but did say he would be willing to move, but that means he would be moving away from his kids (going through a divorce). i just don't know what's for the best.

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 21/06/2011 12:03

What does your om say? Does he want the (unborn) baby?

Aislingorla · 21/06/2011 12:04

OK. Cross posted!

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 12:04

so,the dp and dd should both have their worlds turned upside down?? really?

this is the op's doing,her own mess she created.....and the dd stuck in the middle doesnt actually belong to her. there are 2 equal parents here (assuming PR)

so when the many,many men in the relationships section here on MN have affairs and leave (have a look,there are several threads) then you are all ok with him moving in with the new woman and taking his dc with him then?? yes?

no,thought not......why is this case any different?

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 12:08

christ op,just read your next post......how many lives are going to be affected here?

he will be paying maintenence for his own dc,so where will the money come from for a move of not only house,but area too?? how will he afford to see his own dc if he moves miles away to set up home with you?

how many dc does he have? ages?
what about his job? he moves to you,how does that affect his work?
where would you live?
will you be able to afford big enough house for all the combined dc on access visits?

Horrid · 21/06/2011 12:08

I don't want to take her away, she is our daughter, I would rather we lived in the same town and did 50/50, but he said he couldn't handle that?

OP posts:

animula · 21/06/2011 12:09

He can't not see his dd, so you two need some kind of mediation. Forget everything else, you have to come to some sort of arrangement whereby your dd's needs are met to the best of your abilities. Relate do mediation and I think there's something else now too (because it's being introduced as a part of the divorce process, I think, ).

And Fab and MrsT - I am surprised at your response. A child is not some sort of gold star awarded to parents or a parent for good behaviour. What will best work out for the child should be way up high on everyone's lists. I'm guessing the dp is suggesting the child stays with the mother/OP because she's been doing most of the childcare (just guessing there).

TotallyLovely - good to hear you managed to sort things out.

wrongdecade · 21/06/2011 12:10

You know what you've done is awful,

I'm gonna be hard I think your own guilt will be punishment enough.

TheOriginalFAB · 21/06/2011 12:13

Did I say the child was something to be awarded? No, I said why should an innocent man and child have their lives tipped upside down because the woman didn't use contraception.

allegrageller · 21/06/2011 12:14

Blimey. I didn't realise that in the 21st century, 'adulteresses' are still assumed to lose custody of their children.

The OP's H is SAYING he doesn't want 50:50 or to keep full custody of his dd. Should he have to take it anyway, because he shouldn't be leaving his dd with a 'fallen woman'?

Also, have any of you considered that your righteous plans for the OP would involve her dd being separated from her sibling if (as you seem to think is morally correct) she moved out and left her dd living full time with her H. But I guess that's OK as said sibling will be a product of 'sin'.

God, we didn't move on much from the 1950s, did we.

Horrid · 21/06/2011 12:14

ILT, he earns a fair whack, can work anywhere, has 4 kids in total (2 from previous previous relationship, 2 from current divorce - ages 18, 13, 8 and 6) He is getting divorced as his wife had an affair. We have known each other for 13 years and have always been very good friends, it just escalated after he split from his wife earlier this year. He currently has a 4 bed house as do i.

It's a really shit situation i have created, no excuses on my part. i've behaved appallingly.

OP posts:

kaluki · 21/06/2011 12:15

Why should she leave her dd?
OK she shouldn't have had an affair, nobody would condone that, but why on earth would anyone think that leaving her dd would make the situation better?

allegrageller · 21/06/2011 12:16

so FAB...it somehow won't turn the child's life upside down to be left with a single dad who doesn't want to take full care of her, and without her primary carer either?

The poor child is going to be heavily disrupted anyway and the OP knows this. 'Punishing' her with less residence is hardly the way to improve things for her child.

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 12:17

allegrageller....does the same rule apply to men who get other women shcked up then? they automatically take their existing dc away to live with the other woman if she got pregnant?? should work both ways shouldnt it??

pinkthechaffinch · 21/06/2011 12:18

What a mess but I do feel sorry for you.

All I would advise really, is for you not to move 160 miles away if you really value your daughter's relationship with her father. I would be putting your 4 year old's emotional needs above that of your unborn child first tbh.

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allegrageller · 21/06/2011 12:18

er, no Tiffany. The child should clearly remain with his/her primary carer. If that was the dad...which it rarely is...then yes s/he should go with him. But not otherwise. Simple common sense.

allegrageller · 21/06/2011 12:19

You don't seem to be thinking of the child's actual best interests in your assumptions at all. It's all about hypotheticals and moral judgements best kept for the Daily Mail letters page.

GypsyMoth · 21/06/2011 12:20

so he's going to be supporting an ex and 4 dc....paying the mortgage still til youngest is out of full time ed?

then maintenence on top

then a new house,to support you,your dd and your new baby?

also,you will be expecting your present dp to leave his home (to what? a bedsit?) to see his dd when? how? how will he have her overnights if he is in a bedsit or a house share? he loses his home,and will have to pay you maintenence for dd.

you do know its not going to be 'cosy' dont you?

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