DH thinks I'm "handing over responsibility for DS"

[plunctplactzum]

Have a 13mo DS, bad sleeper. He never sleeps through, and doesn't settle for anyone but me. He goes to bed at about 7:30pm and will ALWAYS wake up once or twice before midnight.

He's still bf but doesn't feed between bedtime and midnight.

If I'm having a shower and DS wakes up, he will just scream and try to push DH until I get back and settle him.

It's been over one year I don't go out at night.

DH doesn't go out much, hasn't been to the pub with workmates and such, so he's back home early and can help me with stuff. But of course, he's been out a few times in the last year.

Today I suggested DH will try to settle DS for a week, so he can get used to settling with his dad. I think leaving the house and leaving DS to scream with DH until he sleeps is cruel, so I thought we could try a middle ground: DH will try and settle him, if it doesn't work I go to the room and stay with them, but I won't pick DS up (DS doesn't bf until midnight, so the bf would be a problem). I said "let's try this for a week."

DH then said I'm trying to outsource responsibility for DS and that every day I try to give one more task over to him (I recently started to insist DH would bathe DS. DH did it for the first time a couple of weeks ago). I think he thinks I'm trying to make him responsible for everything.

But this is not something we can try half-heartedly. Everything involving DS's sleep is a struggle, so if we go for it we have to do it properly (I won't do any sleep training that involves leaving him to cry, leaving him alone or anything like that, in case anyone thought of suggesting it).

Context: since DS was about 9 months I've been trying to work as a freelance writer from home. I resigned from my old job so I didn't have to go back from maternity leave. I tried to take care of DS and the home and work around this but ended up too tired as I would try to work after DS was asleep, but he wakes up thousands of times every night (have I mentioned he doesn't settle for anyone but me?). In the end, I was working into the night, I wouldn't go out with DS to try to stay home and work, I wasn't doing any of the things well, was feeling miserable and angry and having huge fights with DH.

So I stopped working. Now I'm taking care of DS and of the house (I know loads of people manage to do much more, and I know if I was more organised I would probably get more done. Please don't say I'm a wimp). Money is short, DH is concerned about that. He wanted me to resume working freelance. I said I can, but we have to think of a new arrangement, as the old one (me trying to do everything with no set times) wasn't working. I guess he thinks I'm being lazy and taking the piss - and that since I'm not bringing home any money, I should at least shoulder all (or most) tasks related to DS. He's been doing some housework when he comes home at night, and on the weekends (he's improved enormously on that, I can't complain) .

I would like to have some opinions, please. I need some perspective. I guess both of us think the other is shying away from work.

Many thanks

[thisisyesterday]

:-O your DH is a wanker.

trying to outsource responsibility??????

no, you are trying to SHARE the upbringing of your child.

[FabbyChic]

Your husband needs to understand that your son is both of your responsibilities, and you have to where possible make your child more independant of you in case you became ill or was not there to soothe him.

Your husband is blinkered and needs to grow up, seems he just wants to shirk responsibiity.

[thisisyesterday]

i mean really, does he not realise that bringing up a child is something that couples do TOGETHER?
that his son is as much his responsibility as he is yours? and that when you are both there he is equally as responsible for him as you are???

i am actually sitting here with my mouth open, i am just aghast at his attitude.

[EightiesChick]

So you're "outsourcing" your DS to ... his dad?

What exactly is your DH's problem with 'taking responsibility' for his own child? For a week?

I don't see how you will be able to do this freelance work without your DS's sleep improving. So your DH is going to have to suck this up if he wants you to be working again. It's a week, you've done 13 months of it! Sheesh.

[HumphreyCobbler]

me too thisisyesterday

outsource responsibility? FFS.

[ineedabodytransplant]

I remember when my two girls were babies. The eldest who is now 27 would not rest and go to sleep unless she was having her back patted. I would lie there for hours just tapping her back. My wife was better at waking up in the early hours, she could cope with that.

It's supposed to be team work isn't it?

Outsourcing? Your OH is a sales orientated tosser.

[Bohica]

Oh god, our middle daughter was like your son. We tried everything & in the end a stair gate & me going out walking whilst DH settled her worked, if she saw or even heard me she would go mental.

Is your son waiting & waking for the midnight feed? I stopped bf'ing at 14m because DD would not settle at all without me.

No advice about your DH sorry.

[MmeLindor.]

That sounds like corporate wank-talk for "I don't want the responsibility, you do it all".

If he wants you to work then he has to help you sort out your DS's sleeping so that you are fit to work.

And he has to step up to the plate and accept responsibility for his child.

[Maelstrom]

I agree that your husband is wrong and that he needs to take more responsibility, not because it is a choice but because it is, well his responsibility. But I believe you are also wrong in thinking it is cruel to let a one year old learn to settle himself to sleep.

I know that every child is different, and children will sleep through at different ages, but, if this is putting so much pressure on both of you, perhaps it's about time to start tackling the issue.

[Merrylegs]

Yes. You are handing over responsibility for DS - to HIS PARENT.

Your DS will not always be 13 months old. He will not always be a tricky sleeper. One day he will grow up.

Sorry I can't be so sure about your DH.

[EveryonesJealousOfGingers]

Husband issues aside, I agree that at that age your DS doesn't really need to feed at night. I was diagnosed with PND when DD was 8mo and the dr suggested gently to me that I could stop night feeds. My DH took over going in at night, it took less than a week and she was sleeping through most nights. He just gave her water and a cuddle and put her back down. We did CC so went back in after 2, then 4, then 8 mins and rarely went beyond that.

Obviously that only works if you have someone who is prepared to do it. If your husband refuses, is there anyone you could go and stay with for a week so that they can do it?

[buzzsore]

He can't have it both ways, either he wants you to work, in which case he takes on some of the childcare and household responsibilities and gives you actual time & space to work - or he wants you to do all the childcare & domestic stuff, in which case he does all the breadwinning.

I presume he thinks that freelance writing isn't real work or something.

[Dozer]

Agree with the others about your dh, but it also sounds like you've been doing everything and thereby allowing your dh to be detached from parenting.

Sleep deprivation is horrible, have been there and am there now! It is not your job to do everything 24/7, there're two of you. If you become unwell due to exhaustion that is bad for all of you. Stand up to your dh, but also listen to his ideas, he may just crack the problem.

[Dozer]

Gingers, was it really that easy to stop the night feeds? Was your baby bf?

I would like to stop nightfeeding (10 months), but worry that she needs the milk and with bf don't know how much she's getting.

[HansieMom]

I breastfed my babies, one until 10 months and one to 14 months. The first one slept through the night from eight weeks old. At 5 months old, he did wake up and want to feed. The doctor told me he did not need it, and that if I had a sandwich every night at three o'clock, I would get used to it and wake for a sandwich every night at 3 a.m. I cannot remember when DS2 slept through, he was premature and it would have been later. I think your 13 month old should sleep from something like 7 to 7.

Your DH has had it easy so far. He'd like to keep it that way!

[Longtalljosie]

Dozer - my DD was breastfed and slept through without a nightfeed from 6.5 months. They're all different but presumably at 10 months he's having solid food too?

[blackeyedsusan]

what a wimp.... out sourcing responsibility... is he not the child's father?

yes, he is definately a wimp...

good luck with the sleep training, a good elbow in the ribs and whacking them in the face as you turn over sometimes wakes the buggers up to deal with small child. sleep training of reluctant fathers is definately recommended...

[MumblingRagDoll]

Punct it sounds terrible...and I really know what you are going through as I work from home as a freelance writer! I have had to be SO strict with bedimes etc or I get nothing done. I have 2 DDs aged and 3...mine still take a while to settle and wake up now and then.

I am also interested to know if DS is having solids at all? I think thatwhen you try to work from home as a parent it's very difficult to get a balance...and your DH needs to read this thread so he understands what he is doing!

DS belongs to both of you and taking turns is majorly important.

[plunctplactzum]

Thanks for all the answers. My DH is not a tosser (I mean, most of the time he is not), he's been trying to get more involved and to understand me, and I appreciate his effort. I think deep down he doesn't feel DS is his responsibility as much as mine, but it comes from his upbringing and some other issues. We're not from the UK, and in a lot of countries men still don't share responsibility for their children, unfortunately. I'm not trying to excuse him, just to give a bit of context. And that's precisely why I decided to create this thread - to have outside opinions.

Regarding DS sleep, well, he's been walking for at least 3 months, and he eats lots of solids (4 meals a day). I know nutritionally he doesn't need the night feeds, but he needs them "emotionally" (for lack of better word). I've tried to stop them, it was hellish, and I decided to leave it for later. I don't mind it that much if he wakes a couple of times a night.

I won't leave him to cry or do CC. I just don't think it's right for us. Anyway, his sleep has improved a lot in the last few months. It used to be horrible, now it's much better (for our standards, of course). I know he will crack it eventually.

[MumblingRagDoll]

have to say OP that you have done an about turn....from your first to your last post...it's as though you forgot what you said at the start!

[PenguinArmy]

For others that have mentioned/asked about night weaning, not made any difference to us so don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do as (with everything) it's not guaranteed.

OP I went back to work FT at 4 months, DD woke every 2 hours until she was about a year. I never considered that because DH was a SAHD he should do everything and knew I had the easier option by going to work. When we're at home we assume 50:50 is the fair split.

[plunctplactzum]

Mumbling, if you refer to what I wrote abou DS's sleep, what I meant is: yes, his sleep is crap and some days I get desperate. But I'm not going to do CC. I'm fine with a couple of wakings, but currently me have much more than that. What I want at the moment is to share the wakings and the settling with DH, so if feels less overwhelming, while we wait for his sleep to improve.
I'm sorry if I sound inconsistent.