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Fuming as DH has frittered away our holiday fund!

(61 Posts)
fifitot Mon 20-Jun-11 20:43:54

Things are pretty tight financially but we got a £500 windfall which DH put in his savings to pay outstanding balance on our holiday. Payment now due and find he has spent it all. A large chunk went on an urgent car repair which I knew about but the rest he has spent on some train fares to see family in London and other bits and pieces, some of which were necessary, some not. God knows how he thought he could pay it back in time. He admits he put his head in the sand which is his usual MO as it happens. Even if he'd warned me about it...................

I am so fucking angry but am not 'allowed' to shout and scream because he feels got at and guilty and gets even angrier than me and rather than just 'take it', he retaliates by shouting back. You can imagine the atmosphere at home - all this on the back of a row over sod all at the weekend.

When we got the windfall I asked if we should put it in my account (we don't have a joint one as you might imagine) but he was annoyed I had asked as the money came to him. Well it seems I was justified to be concerned.

What is the best way to approach this now? I have told him to find the money as it will have to be paid and think he is going to ask his parents. The bigger issue is the fact he can't be trusted with money, he deceived me and acted like an idiot.

I have told him I am angry, he knows it as I can hardly speak to him but he is genius as turning it round so I feel bad.

What is the mature response now? Do I just carry on and leave him with the problem. I want to scream at him but know it's pointless.

How do I get him to take responsibility in the future? I would love some advice. He is currently sulking despite him being in the wrong. If he would only turn round and say 'look am sorry, made a mistake and this is how I will stop it happening in the future' I might feel better but no chance of such a mature response.

Ciske Mon 20-Jun-11 20:57:27

It sounds like you both buried your head in the sand, to be honest. You knew there was a large car repair bill to be paid. How did you think it was being paid and if you knew it was from the holiday fund, what steps have you taken to safeguard your holiday/save up for the upcoming bills? Did you talk about this before or have you both delayed this discussion until now, when the bill is due?

The unnecessary expenditure is clearly your DHs fault but if the bulk part went on necessary bills, then really, the fault is mainly on both of you for not budgeting and discussing your finances often or well enough. You can't put this all on your DHs shoulders.

The mature response is to get over the anger and think of how you will 1) solve this holiday bill and 2) avoid this happening in the future. Do you have the means to repay his parents if you borrow the money? If not, you should cancel the holiday, tough as it is. Also, agree a budget that includes everything, including personal spend, emergency savings and holiday savings. It's boring but it will stop all this racing from windfall to shortfall.

ivykaty44 Mon 20-Jun-11 21:01:28

How do I get him to take responsibility in the future?
How do I get him to take responsibility now - that is the question that will answer the above question

Don't put it right for him, don't help him find the money, expect him to put it right and don't nag about it or mention it, it is just fait complete that he will sort it and hand over the problem to him compleltey - matter of fact and slP your hand over each other.


omaoma Mon 20-Jun-11 21:10:48

you have my sympathy, what a sh*t situation. i understand why you dont' have a joint account, really do. but the way you manage your monies at mo doesn't work for eitehr of you. what if you had a joint account as well as - not instead of - individual ones, where savings/emergency spending (like the car repair) come from. somewhere you can both check the balance (ie you can!) as often as you like to make sure it stays on track. make it get a 30-day access account/branch only - perhaps with both signatures needed - and it's almost impossible to fritter away.

fifitot Mon 20-Jun-11 21:11:43

The car repair was unexpected Ciske so we couldn't plan for it. As for bills, they all get paid because I make sure of it. The expenses he used the funds for were HIS expenses, a last minute trip to London to see an ill relative was one, so not just pissing it all up the wall. Some of probably was though. I knew nothing of him spending it, apart from the car and he told me he would repay it.

I manage money well on the whole and he doesn't. I take all responsibility for household bills and budget. He pays me a set amount every month into my account, the rest of his money is his to run his car etc. I have a budget - he doesn't. I have tried to help him manage money better but have given up. His payment to me ensures we tick over. I can't trust him to manage money and this latest incident proves me right. He was annoyed when I suggested I put the windfall in my account - he should have listened to me.

If he borrows from his parents then it is up to him to pay it back not me. I think I will follow ivykaty's suggestion and now ignore it, leave him to sort it out as it is his problem. However I am so angry I can hardly look at him at the moment. Fucking idiot. I just have no respect for him and am mulling over our relationship generally now.

fifitot Mon 20-Jun-11 21:15:31

Thing is omaoma we do have a kind of shared account. Well it is my saver account but it is where I put any spare money - not that we have much. He is usually happy we put money in there.

He is dyslexic and this is part of the problem with money I think. He is also impulsive and avoids thinking about the consequences of his actions too. Also he is a bloody idiot as this incident shows.

omaoma Mon 20-Jun-11 21:19:36

having no respect is not great, sounds like you are right to think seriously about this situation. can he really be utterly without worth though? i know it's possible, there are enough threads on here about men like that... but how has it got to this point?

fifitot Mon 20-Jun-11 21:26:32

He's not utterly without worth. He's a great dad, he makes me laugh, he can be very supportive and he's good at his job.

We're just going through a really bad patch at the moment and this just topped it for me.

omaoma Mon 20-Jun-11 21:53:56

is there somebody who could help you through this - any free counselling available in your area? you sound incredibly angry and the lack of respect you're feeling is palpable. it's quite scary.

FabbyChic Mon 20-Jun-11 21:59:12

If you don't have enough disposable income to fix a car repair why are you booking holidays and going on holiday?

Surely a better lifestyle at home and money for emergencies are more important. He should be able to visit sick relatives.

Get your head out of the sand and don't expect a fucking holiday when you cannot afford repairs on a car that is needed on a daily basis.

omaoma Mon 20-Jun-11 22:02:36

?! seems a little extreme Fabby??

FabbyChic Mon 20-Jun-11 22:05:26

Oh come on she is moaning he visited a sick relative, she says if the money is borrowed from elsewhere he pays it back, what because his car needed fixing which is a household expense and should be borne by the house hold and not just him, and he visited a sick relative.

If their financial circumstances are that bad that 500 is needed that much why go on holiday? Where will the spending money come from.

I'd rather be able to fix my car, and visit sick relatives than have a holiday that I cannot afford, which clearly the OP cannot.

M0naLisa Mon 20-Jun-11 22:08:30

We have a car it currently parked outside my mums house as it wouldnt start on saturday night after a garden party i attended (i wasnt drinking before anyone says anything) i had to stay at mums, get aa out on sunday and get stepdad to bring me home 30+miles. Its there because we cant afford it till the end of the month, it needs a new ECU chip. Cant afford it and didnt expect it but we dont have holidays, mainly because we cant afford it. We have the car as its in our best interests to have one, some weeks i dont drive it because we cant afford the petrol and hey petrol these days isnt cheap.

But i have to say for the umpteenth(SP) time today i agree with FabbyChic.

pickgo Mon 20-Jun-11 22:08:51

OP - leave the problem with him - if he's created it and won't let you react, well that gets you off the hook to have to sort it out doesn't it?

Can you cancel the holiday. I know it'll be your least preferred option but if you can't really afford it it'll probably do you all more good to be able to pay your bills and have peace of mind than to go on a nice week away.

Try to keep it in proportion OP - he's made a mistake, we all do, if you love him try to be forgiving of his failings as you'd hope he would be of yours.

M0naLisa Mon 20-Jun-11 22:10:56

also if you didnt have the windfall where would the money have come from to fix the car if you are going on holiday, would you be saying DH paid for car fixing now we cant go on holiday?

fifitot Tue 21-Jun-11 12:18:52

Fabbychic - don't be so bloody judgemental. FWIW the money was given to us by his parents FOR a holiday. We have 2 kids who haven't had a proper holiday and it was a treat. They would not have liked it if we had used it for something else.

We are skint because we pay up to £900 in childcare costs. This will eventually change when our youngest goes to pre-school but until then we pretty much live hand to mouth, have very little spare to save. When we have an unexpected situation we usually manage to pay for it or put it on a credit card and pay it off in installments. We would have had enough for our spends for a holiday because I have budgetted for it.

Not everyone can easily absorb an unexpected expense. My annoyance with DH is the way he did it, didn't tell me or manage his money well. His car is up to him to fund, not me and he used the holiday money and didn't pay it back. With care, he should have enough to do this.

I was also not moaning about the relative visit - I was just annoyed he used funds deemed for something else without paying it back.

You make it sound as if I have no sense of managing a budget which is far from the case. In fact I manage the situation really well most of the time. That is why I am so pissed with DH - he has messed up not me.

I came on the relationships section for an offload and a bit of advice not some abuse. AIBU exists for that purpose as far as I know.

shesgotherlipstickon Tue 21-Jun-11 12:27:36

I have to say I agree with FB. You will get peoples perspectives on it.

He went to see a sick relative and fixed the car. That would have been the bulk of £500 in reality.

So you both knew the holiday fund had been depleted and you both knew it wasn't going to come back out of thin air.

I don't see how you can be angry at him? The holiday fund was given to you as you couldn't afford a holiday anyway and it went on real life things such as a car and seeing ill relatives.

I just don't see why you are being such an arse to him.

buzzsore Tue 21-Jun-11 12:38:45

I think you were being a bit unrealistic to expect him to replace the funds taken for the car repair & visits: where were expecting him to magic up the money from?

I absolutely understand your anger and disappointment, but the truth is, the unforeseen car repair was the main cause of the problem. It's unfortunate, but that's what happens when there's not a lot to spare. You get buggered up.

Toughasoldboots Tue 21-Jun-11 12:39:33

I am just going to creep in and say that I agree with fabbychic too. Sorry.

AdamJaySusan Tue 21-Jun-11 13:40:01

"His car is up to him to fund, not me"

Do you divide all the bills up that way, his and yours? Didnt you say the money was from HIS relatives so why should he not choose to spend it on HIS car.

Does he not allow you and your children in his car?

fifitot Tue 21-Jun-11 14:36:23

Jesus I am getting a hammering on here aren't I? I asked for advice on how to handle it and end up getting a flaming. Is there no such thing as a moderate approach on mumsnet any more?

Despite all that's been said I stil believe I am right to be angry. The money was set aside solely for the holiday. It was his idea and he agreed with it. He readily agreed to this. I would never dream of taking money out of that fund and not replacing it or if I did I would say upfront that we would have to cancel the holiday, not wait until a week before the balance is due.

We split all household bills but run our own cars. I don't expect him to pay for my car repairs. He took money from the holiday fund and told me he would repay it over a few months but didn't. He also took more money out of this fund without telling me, some of which was used for sensible things, some just seems to have disappeared because he was short on funds I think. He didn't tell me the full story, basically lied, as he said he would repay it and he certainly would have been able to from his salary - if he had budgeted correctly. He certainly has some spare income and if he had used it right, we would have been OK.

If he had said from the outset,' we can't go on holiday as I can't afford to repair the car, see my sick aunty etc' then i would have accepted it.

buzzsore Tue 21-Jun-11 14:58:45

I can understand you being really pissed off about it, especially when you found out rather than having been under the impression he'd repaid what he'd taken. I really can.

It seems odd to me to have the running of the two cars separate from your usual finances, 'though. Don't you both need your cars for work? I assume you must, and therefore I'd have thought it would be a joint problem if one or other of the cars went kaputt.

I don't know how you should handle it - he evidently gets very defensive. Can you talk when you're both calm again - or will it inevitably get back into a slanging match? Maybe you need someone to mediate?

I think in future I'd want to have control of the holiday fund grin.

buzzsore Tue 21-Jun-11 14:59:10

superfluous 'rather' in there, sorry.

buzzsore Tue 21-Jun-11 15:00:21

and a 'than'. Should have said 'especially when you found out, having been under the impression'. [sigh]

gramercy Tue 21-Jun-11 15:06:58

Another one here saying you're being a bit hysterical about this. If your dh had gambled the money away or spent it on drink then I could understand your anger... but a car repair and a sick relative - c'est la vie.

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