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Why do I become a horrid mother when I enter into a relationship?

(8 Posts)
Kath74 Mon 20-Jun-11 18:56:08

Please help me........my daughter is 9. I have been a single working mum for most of this time (had awful 2 year marriage in the middle years). I have had two relationships since my divorce with two very nice men and am currently with one of them. The problem I'm finding is that when I enter into a new relationship, my parenting skills go out of the window. I become very selfish, short tempered and generally not a great person to be around half the time. I hate myself right now - which doesn't help anyone I know - as I was pretty horrid to my daughter between collecting her from school and dropping her at brownies.....just because she was rude to me on collection (no "Hi Mummy!", just an accusatory "You're late!" - although I wasn't). Not really a comment to get cross over but I let rip - even having prepared myself in the car before arriving - aware that I am extremely tired. I feel as though I am losing a grip.........I'm ordinarily a pretty good parent - you know....good boundaries, explanations, reasonable, empathic, caring, warm...........but at the moment I'm worried......and I'm a social worker :-(

Can anyone give me any idea why I've turned into parent from hell?

allegrageller Mon 20-Jun-11 19:01:30

That's really odd OP because if you are in a nice relationship I really wouldn't expect you to feel more snappy and irritated generally, or with dd.

What do you think is really bothering you? YOu mention tiredness. Is DP adding to that? Or do you feel with a man in your life you can't be the perfect mother?

Tryharder Mon 20-Jun-11 19:02:00

Well, your DD was quite rude and probably deserved a telling off....

Obvious question: do you feel resentful of her because she "gets in the way"...you know, the days of spending all day in bed shagging etc that happens when you first get together with someone but obviously cannot happen when you have DCs.

kallima Mon 20-Jun-11 19:35:37

are you anxious in a relationship and taking it out on her?

BooBooGlass Mon 20-Jun-11 19:38:20

It can be difficult when there's another person added to the mix. Do you feel you don't have enough time for everyone? I know in the early days of my relationship it was such a slog to get the dc safely into bed before dp came round that I was frazzled and sometimes snappy. Maybe cool things off for a while to take the pressure off.

allegrageller Mon 20-Jun-11 19:42:23

I know that feeling really well booboo but I took it out on DP not the kids.

I felt as if I had a whole life he couldnt' understand and because he wasn't the kids' dad I couldn't expect help from him...but then he would turn up and expect me to sparkle when I wanted to pass out in front of the telly. not great

Kath74 Mon 20-Jun-11 20:01:00

Thank you for showing understanding and concern - I really need that at the mo. I think a large part of it is that I'm totally exhausted - physcially and emotionally and just haven't got anything left so any pressure from my daughter is resulting in me snapping........I can't even stand her very-out-of-tune singing - that REALLY makes me want to scream!

Allegrageller - yes - you'd think with a lovely person around, I'd be a nicer person - that's adding to the fears that I'm losing it. And having a man in my life does mean that my daughter gets even less of me (because I am having to squeeze the essential jobs into her time so that there is SOME time left for new man). I work 4 days a week and struggle with it......I don't get any breaks from my daughter - there is no dad around and I have no family in this country. I know - sob story....but it can be quite suffocating at times.

Kallima - I AM anxious in the relationship - it's very intense becuase it's a long-distance relationship so when he comes to see me it is for a couple of days which doesn't feel 'normal' - it's been like having lots of holidays - including the recent load of school hols and BH - sounds great, but I feel so disorientated with it all.

Tryharder - I'm lucky to have had a decent amount of time alone with my new man - during school on Fridays and daughter was away for the first weekend we met (oh yes - I get one weekend a year free when she is at brownie camp!!!).

Anyway - I realise I sound thoroughly depressed.........more sleep and perhaps I'll bounce back again...........xx

allegrageller Mon 20-Jun-11 21:10:21

oh blimey Kath we may be living the same life (well not quite- I have 2 boys, work full time and have 50% custody with xH so get a lot more time off than you do- too much tbh).

I know exactly what you mean about the long distance thing and intensity. They (and you too) expect a full on love fest so it gets really overwhelming.

I have been known to scream at DP 'I am not a bloody student I can't just spend 2 days with you enjoying myself you know!!' :S

Where is he living? Expense is also an issue for us. Constant bloody flights etc. I put a lid on the time we spend together cos it was getting too much financially and emotionally to manage. I thought that would be it for us actually but it hasnt' imploded quite yet.

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