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Emotionally abusive without being an abuser?

(11 Posts)
dollystiletto Mon 20-Jun-11 12:33:05

Do you think it is possible for a man to be unintentionally emotionally abusive without knowing, or meaning to?

I don't think my partner means to hurt me emontionally, and I don't let him know that hea upset me. I honestly think he doesn't know that his behaviour is not normal.

Jas Mon 20-Jun-11 12:35:08

If he is upsetting you unintentionally, why wouldn't you tell him?

garlicnutter Mon 20-Jun-11 13:02:33

I imagine it's the most common reason for abuse. It's usually a set of habits, verbal tics and attitudes learned as a child. Do his family treat each other this way?

Whatever the underlying reason, his behaviour is hurting you. You'll never find out if he's willing or able to change if you don't talk. Are you frightened to tell him?

It would be helpful if you could give some examples of what you're talking about.

buzzsore Mon 20-Jun-11 13:13:50

The only way to find out if he's doing it intentionally is to sit him down and tell him how he hurts & upsets you. If he doesn't realise what he's doing, he'll be horrified and make efforts to stop and possibly seek counselling/therapy. If he is doing it intentionally or doesn't think it should matter to you, then he won't be horrified and he won't stop.

dollystiletto Mon 20-Jun-11 17:28:56

Im in denial here about this I feel.

Its the constant feeling that I can't do right for doing wrong, walking on eggshells the whole time, worried I'm saying or doing the wrong thing that will cause him to get angry at me. He has no patience with me at all, but yet goes on and on about how I have no confidence. Yeah - I wonder why?!

When he's in a good mood, he's amazing and I love him so much. I don't want to lose that stuff.

I just can't cope with splitting up, starting over again, feeling like everyone has been laughing at me, or pitying me.

tallwivglasses Mon 20-Jun-11 17:42:48

Why would they laugh at you? Or pity you? Starting over is less scary than you think, you know.

Your second paragraph suggests to me he knows exactly what he's doing. Do you have DC's?

SillyDolly Mon 20-Jun-11 18:02:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzsore Mon 20-Jun-11 18:13:18

But we all have reasons to be stressed - and there's always something else to get stressed about - it's not acceptable to treat the person you're supposed to love like a verbal punching bag.

That you live a half-life 'treading on egg-shells' around him says to me you need to think about getting out. Having a wonderful time together when he's in a good mood isn't enough - it's who he is day to day and who he is in a pinch that really matters.

chipmonkey Mon 20-Jun-11 18:13:49

Listen to what you've just said.

He resents his ex for putting him a a position where he has to deal with her. Because they have a child?shock First of all, women can't get pregnant by themselves, if he slept with her, he is 50% responsible for the resulting child.

He is obviously painting his ex in a bad light but she clearly preferred the idea of being a lone parent than raising a child with him. That speaks volumes.

The way he speaks to his daughter sounds horrible. She is only a baby, crying is normal!

boxingHelena Mon 20-Jun-11 18:27:49

the baby girl, the mother of the child, his ex, his mother..and you...
already 5 women who appear to be let down by him...
hummmm too much focus on him what does he actually give?
cut your losses and run for the hills i would say

Anniegetyourgun Mon 20-Jun-11 18:30:16

Don't worry what other people will think; they don't have to live with him.

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