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DH has been lying, not sure where I go from here

(4 Posts)
newandknackered Mon 20-Jun-11 08:09:33

I'm not really sure where to start with this one. I have DD, 3, and DS, 8 months and over the last 18 months I've found out on three occassions that DH has lied to me about things.

The first time was spending on my credit card account- he'd been in charge of the money and we had taken a drop in our income after DD arrived, we were finding it hard and he was juggling the money around, using my card & drinking too much. I was shaken but felt positive- if I took on more of the money management he would feel less stressed, less opportunity for things to go wrong.

He was going for better paid jobs in a new field as he was facing redudancy at work. When he got one, we decided we could afford to have another baby, along came DS. Then DH confessed that he didn't have the new job, he'd been redeployed within his 'previous' company but he was now entitled to a bonus etc, and he'd been faking the payslips. Again- very upset. It was awful. But we tightened up the money management- setting the budget together, he'd print the bank statements (online bank) and I'd go through them. He started counselling.

Then in the last few weeks we'd been getting debt collection stuff, involved the Financial Ombudsman, it's been horrific. In the end we borrowed a lot of money from his parents to clear arrears. I have seen his credit report and our bank statements at original source and it is clear that he has other debts that he's been hiding for years. (I have looked at his credit report before, I have no idea why I didn't notice the defaults, if I did, I don't remember, so angry with myself now) Faking bank statements, faking phone calls, faking contact from 'the ombudsman'. And says he's been drinking most days, a couple of pints at lunchtime and some nights a few glasses of wine to help him sleep.

The debt side of things I can cope with- we are looking at CCCS and making more phone calls today (on speakerphone) and he's going to see the GP about the drinking but I feel utterly shell shocked. I don't know if we can make this relationship work, how can I trust anything he ever says again? But I want to be able to say to the kids if we do spilt up, that I did everything I could to save it. I imagine I may have left stuff out here, so apologies if things don't quite make sense, my brain is mush at the moment, not sleeping well. So angry and hurt. And so mortified at the thought of telling anyone in real life, what kind of idiot must I look like?! And he let me bring our lovely baby into this mess.

MilkandWine Mon 20-Jun-11 09:22:02

Newandknackered
I have read your post with my jaw hitting the floor and I am very very sorry to hear about all the shite you are going through.

First and foremost you are not the idiot, that title is well and truly reserved for your husband. You say you are angry at yourself, no that is wrong, you should be angry at your complete and utter fool of a 'partner'.

His behaviour goes far, far beyond being 'bad with money'. Creating jobs that don't exist? faking bank statements? I am sorry but this is a man who has deeply rooted problems and is a pathalogical liar. He lies once, you find out and give him a second chance, so he repays you by lying again (in the most shocking way possible). You give him another chance and he lies again!

You say you want to do everything you can to make the relationship work. From what you describe you already have, I would have thrown him out at the point I found out about the faked job. You ask if you can ever trust him again? I would say no, this is a man who is utterly untrustworthy on every level.

How much of the debt is joint and how much is his alone? I am sorry but in your position I would be seperating and leaving him to sort out his appalling mess. Why should you carry the burden of his disgraceful behaviour?

What is his excuse for his actions? I can't even imagine how someone would try and start to defend it. You say he is going to see his GP re his drinking, is he also going to get treatment for the fact he is a pathalogical liar??

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but your post has really shocked me. You need to get furious and stop making excuses for him. Don't worry about telling anyone in RL either, the shame is his, not yours and people will see that. You have done nothing wrong, all you have done is being a supportive wife and your husband has, in return, happily shit on you from a great height over and over.

Toughasoldboots Mon 20-Jun-11 09:40:31

Do you own your own home? I am wondering if bankruptcy might be an option for you? Whether you then decide to stay with him is another matter.

mummytime Mon 20-Jun-11 09:44:22

I have to say I totally agree with Milkandwine.
Go and get some advice, CAB and/or solicitor. See how much of this debt you have to deal with and leave him with the rest. You may even have to pursue him for fraud.

You have tried your best, but you can't have a relationship with someone who lies to this extent. You just can't know him other than in the most superficial way.

Good luck!

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