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What do I do? Long term mail friend - ex lover - has met new woman

(8 Posts)
bluehaze Sun 19-Jun-11 21:45:28

6 years ago we met and had a brief but intense relationship. Then we both left for other countries and I havent seen him since, although the flame still burned for a while. We have always kept in touch by email and phone and to be honest I feel he is my best friend. He knows everything about me, I know everything about him, but it is no longer sexual and as the years have passed it has become a really strong friendship - through deaths, divorces and good times too and we email pages several times a week. The assumption has always been that one or other of us would find a new relationship one day. Well now it has happened - he has met a woman who sounds wonderful, and I am totally gutted, I am sitting here sobbing. I know that our emails must stop - he cannot have me in the background while he commits to a new relationship - I cannot bear the thought that in the space of a couple of weeks I have lost someone so important to me. But am I being over dramatic? CAN we maintain our friendship? Does it all have to end? I am not sure. I need your opinions please. I don' t want it to be over, we share so much. But he wont be able to share his new world with new woman ... or could we find a balance? Confused really, and very very sad. - for me. Mixed with a smile for him.

hurryup Sun 19-Jun-11 21:49:55

Who said you can't still be friends? you or him? Seems a bit odd as if you're friendship is purely platonic why would you stop him committing to a new relationship? Sorry you're so sad.

wannaBe Sun 19-Jun-11 21:52:02

If yours is purely a friendship then I don't see why a relationship has to signify the end of that.

I have close male friends who I've been friends with for years, long before dh and I got together. I would never have considered ending the friendships purely because I was now with dh, there is nothing between us and never will be, other than friendship.

You may find that as a relationship develops for him the friendship will change, but that doesn't necessarily have to happen overnight.

unless actually you are in love with him - are you?

NimpyWindowmash Sun 19-Jun-11 21:52:40

Sounds like it has hit you really hard. Maybe you had an idea in the back of your mind that this guy was your soul mate. Would it help if he could introduce you to the new woman? So you could accept their relationship more easily? Not easy I know as I guess you still live in different countries.
My feeling is that you will have to let the friendship go, or at least become less close. But what does he think? Has he indicated that you can't be friends any more?

bluehaze Sun 19-Jun-11 22:11:18

He hasnt said we cant be friends, he has just sent another enormous email so maybe he is not over analysing anything. He has made me laugh in it and made me almost cry. I dont want to lose that closeness.
wannaBe - yes definitely I am a bit in love still, but it has faded to something sensible (I think). We both feel the same way - maybe its more sisterly/brotherly - though its not how I feel about my own sister!!

I think you all talk sense though, it is up to him if he feels its not appropriate. But he would find it hard to tell me that I know - maybe it should come from me ... back to being confused again

Oh no just re-read title - MALE not MAIL! URgh

It's actually a good thing that he's met someone else and told you about it. It means you now need to accept that he is not the love of your life, and you will stop waiting for him to come back to you. You can stay friends, but now you have the chance to move on and maybe find a new partner yourself, or a few fuckbuddies or whatever.

bluehaze Sun 19-Jun-11 22:20:52

Springchicken - I really thought I HAD moved on. I have had boyfriends, the longest was 8 months, but havent met anyone I want a long term future with. YET! I do come with baggage - two lovely kids, so makes it harder.

Maybe I just havent moved on enough. Avoiding the heartache probably.

FabbyChic Sun 19-Jun-11 23:13:46

I dont see why anything would change between you, you are long term friends, you don't drop those because you get into a relationship.

Chill out and be happy for him, your time will come soon enough.

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