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DP jealous of ex

(134 Posts)
americandreams Sun 19-Jun-11 08:35:10

I split with my husband earlier this year and soon after got into a relationship with DP. My ex was controlling and at times violent but we have a young son together so it isn't possible to cut ties with him.

Next weekend I have been invited to my ex in-laws wedding anniversary party and I plan on going because I was quite close to my ex's mother and his two sisters and it would be nice to see them.

DP says he loves me and sees a future with me but if I want to "play happy families" then it is over.

I'm so confused because I have strong feelings for DP and don't want to hurt him but is it really so strange to be civil with an ex for the sake of my son?

You have said your ex was controlling and that is why you split.

Your new DP is trying to control you too.

I would run pretty fast in the opposite direction.

BluddyMoFo Sun 19-Jun-11 08:43:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot Sun 19-Jun-11 08:46:03

So you want to spend time with your ds' family? His grandmother and aunts, to be precise. People with whom there is no reason (from your post) not to maintain an amicable relationship for your ds' sake if nothing else.

Threatening to finish with you over what sounds like mature and sensible behaviour? I would take him up on his kind offer and move on. Enjoy your party!

americandreams Sun 19-Jun-11 08:53:56

He is the most easygoing person except when it comes to my ex.
Ex has DS most weekends and I go out with friends quite a lot when I don't have him. DP doesn't have a problem with this at all and encourages it even.

He has asked me a couple of times why I haven't seen a solicitor yet about a divorce and "formalising" access because there aren't any set times when ex has DS, we just sort it out between us as we go along which suits me fine.

But DP says that ex takes advantage as he pops round a lot and I think he feels uncomfortable with it.

Part of me thinks he has a point. Just wanted to see what other people think?

My DP really is the most easy going man on the planet (he puts up with me grin)

I honestly think your DP is controlling where you can go, who you can see, and I'd be uncomfortable with it.

You should do whatever suits you and your DS WRT access.

TotallyLovely Sun 19-Jun-11 09:59:51

It is very easy to get stuck in the pattern of going from one controlling partner to the next without even realising it . . . it happened to me. Each time the new partner would seen easy going compared to the last (mostly because they said they were) but as time went on I realised they were just the same, but maybe didn't seem it at first. With me I think I easily attract that sort of person, not just in partners but in friends as well. I don't know why it is! It is hard to get out of the cycle but I did it.

For me learning to be assertive was the key. I also realised that after being with controlling, insecure and violent partners I could never be with another one again. So I ran a mile if I saw any sign of that in a man and quite quickly ended up with one who isn't AT ALL!

You need to learn to weedle them out.

I know he is encouraging you to go out with friends at the moment but what happens when he starts to feel insecure about one of them or you get a male friend? Or a friend starts wanting to bring her boyfriend out who has a nice looking mate?

If he was just feeling a bit insecure I would advise you to tell him he has no reason to be and that because of your past you can't put up with that . . . but . . . he is giving you an ultimatum which to me means the end of the relationship. An ultimatum intends to do nothing but control you and you don't need or want controlling!

Xales Sun 19-Jun-11 10:28:23

You have been in a relationship with this man for less than six months and he is already giving you ultimatums and telling you what to do.

This is controlling no matter what you say.

He is trying to cut out your past. He can't do that. Ever.

These people are your son's family. They will always. be your son's family. You have been linked to them by marriage and a relationship with your ex for how long?

What is he going to suggest next? That you get rid of your son to get rid of your past?

He is wrong and you know that or you wouldn't be posting here.

For you and your ex to be civil for your son and for his family to still invite him and by extension you into their lives and family is extremely grown up and the perfect way to behave and I congratulate you for that.

Do not allow a man you have been dating less than six months to ruin that he is not worth it.

HerHissyness Sun 19-Jun-11 10:48:46

I agree with everyone here, this guy doesn't get to tell you who you can and can't see.

Break it off, completely now. Then you can go to whatever party you like!

Seriously, if your X was abusive/controlling, you going into a relationship straight away is always going to be risky.

Remember too that getting rid of one very abusive/controlling man, and replacing him with one slightly LESS controlling/abusive etc is no better for you.

You need to end this, be on your own, do some work on yourself, read Why Does He Do That, perhaps do the Freedom Programme, and focus on your DC/YOU!

This is the slipperly slope love, you know it's never going to get any easier. You can't really divorce properly/easily until 2yrs separation anyway, anything less and you have to go into unreasonable behaviour etc, which when you have DC is not really ideal unless really warranted IMHO.

americandreams Sun 19-Jun-11 11:07:14

I have grounds to divorce him, that's not an issue at all.

We haven't been together long but I have known DP for a few years and he knows what I went through with my ex. I think he and some of my friends are surprised I want anything to do with him after some of the things he did to me and he is just being protective.

buzzsore Sun 19-Jun-11 11:16:02

Do think about whether this guy is actually just a milder version of your ex. It does happen to people, that they go from one horrible situation into another that seems better, and it has been quite quick from ending your marriage.

I can understand why your dp might have an issue with you seeing your ex & his family after having been treated the way you were, but you're an adult and he should respect your decision. You are doing your best for your son by keeping it amicable and by being involved with his family (who are your friends).

If dp forces you to choose, he doesn't trust your judgement and he thinks he knows best for you. That is a warning sign.

HerHissyness Sun 19-Jun-11 11:18:57

No, it's not an issue, it's not his business to tell you. He has no right to do this to you.

If he has known you for a few years, he knows your history, so he can't have a problem with any of it. If he wants to be supportive, that's one thing, telling you you can't attend a family party, telling you to divorce when you are not ready, is just totally out of order.

He is NOT being protective. He is telling you what to do. You are not going to your XH's party, it's for your exILs, who you get on with.

I think you need to be on your own, I don't think this guy is going to be at all good for you. He has my hackles up on your behalf. You need to really question what this new DP is, and if there is so much as a hmm in your direction for any reason, he's a wrong un. He needs to be 100% behind you, not telling you what to do.

TotallyLovely Sun 19-Jun-11 11:53:50

I agree with this hugely!

If dp forces you to choose, he doesn't trust your judgement and he thinks he knows best for you. That is a warning sign.

How is he being protective if he is giving you an ultimatum? So he will no longer be there for you and will not see you anymore, if you do not accept his protection by doing exactly what he says?

Think about that and how screwed up it sounds!

OurPlanetNeptune Sun 19-Jun-11 12:47:39

Six months in and your DP is already displaying this sort of behaviour? Honestly he will get worse. For the sake of you and your son, nip this in the bud. Really listen to what everyone here has said, they are talking a lot of sense.

He is controlling, he is telling you who to have a relationship with. This is how it all starts. Be very careful.

Smum99 Sun 19-Jun-11 13:21:20

Why does he have a problem with you playing 'happy families' - it is in your Dcs interest to have good paternal relationships. Would he have a problem if he was invited and got to know your ex inlaws?

I would echo everyone's concerns - you are being asked to make a choice (based on a short term relationship) and there is a risk that this relationship will end and you will have cut yourself off from support.
Talk to him, if he is insisting then it is major red flags. My DH had highly abusive people in his life, when I firs met him, but I would never have told him to dump them, it just would not have been appropriate. After many years my DH worked it out for himself and then I was there to support him.

TotallyLovely Sun 19-Jun-11 21:51:30

It's great that you are on good terms with your exs family, don't jepordise that for a new boyfriend.

Pictish Sun 19-Jun-11 21:54:20

Nah it's not on - not at all.
So it's 'do as I say or I'm leaving' is it?

Bid him farewell.

Pictish Sun 19-Jun-11 21:56:13

He is not being protective - he is being controlling. Wake up.

BooBooGlass Sun 19-Jun-11 21:57:40

Really really not on for him to dictate to you like this. I am very very good terms with my dd's dad's grandparents. They treat me as their own granddaughter and tbh I do too. I haven't been with her dad for 8 years, but they have always been involved, interested and made an effort desipte an enormous distance between where we all live. Dp drove us all there to stay over Easter and didn't find it odd at all. I guess he might have done if my ex was there, but i doubt it. Because he is secure enough in our relationship to know that I will ALWAYS be involved with my ex's family, as there is a child involved. It doesn't mean for a moment that I'd want to get back with my ex. I do thinkyour dp is being massively unreasonable about this.

WhoAteMySnickers Sun 19-Jun-11 22:13:36

You've gone from one controlling partner to another.

He feels he can issue you with an ultimatum. Would he have issued you with the ultimatum if you were still only friends rather than in a relationship? "if you want to play happy families we can't be friends any more". And if so, what would your reply have been? It's in your best interest to maintain an amicable relationship with your child's extended family.

As for your DP, Read the 'red flags' thread on here, then run like the wind!!

americandreams Sun 19-Jun-11 22:18:15

I think it is more insecurity than being controlling. That's more the reason for me posting, to see how I can reassure him.

For a little while after I split up with my ex I wasn't convinced that I had made the right decision and he begged me to give him another chance which I considered but decided against. Then all of a sudden he seemed to accept it but DP thinks he isn't over me at all. I'm not sure.

I can kind of understand him not being pleased that he comes over a lot, mainly when DP is at work and now he invites me to this party with him when he has DS at the weekend anyway and just the two of them could have gone.

WhoAteMySnickers Sun 19-Jun-11 22:20:22

Aaaah you already making excuses for him "it's insecurity".

Sucked in.

buzzsore Sun 19-Jun-11 22:22:51

If he doesn't trust you, why is it your problem? Surely if he's insecure it's for him to work on, not for you to change to suit him.

americandreams Sun 19-Jun-11 22:25:05

I'm not planning to change to suit him. I told him straight I will be going and he might not trust my ex but he needs to trust me or it's not going to work.

buzzsore Sun 19-Jun-11 22:26:19

Good. How did he take it?

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