Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Need some advice(54 Posts)
Well, first let me start by saying I'm a man but I really need some help, I need to know if my relationship is worth saving, and I want to get an impartial woman's point of view
First I'm 39, my wife is 41, we have been married for 10 years, and together for 13, we have 1 child together who is 10, and she has 1 child from a previous who is 13. I have 2 children from a previous 15 and 17.
I own my own company and she works part time, approximately 12 hours per week, we are relatively well off and day to day finances are not an issue. I love my wife dearly and would do anything for her, she has complete freedom generally to do as she pleases, she frequently goes on holiday with the girls, goes out clubbing about once a month or every two months, and I have freedom to do the same, if I chose too.
So far so good...
My wife is very attractive, blonde and everywhere we go is noticed... shall we say regardless if I am present or not. She has become more and more distant over the last three years, and by that I mean few phone calls, texts, hugs, kisses etc... I'm positive she is faithful, but I feel somewhat emotionally neglected. She is not very considerate of my feelings, and has had a less than average libido for the last 10 years, mine is the same as it was when I was younger. So with minimal emotional and physical contact I feel sad, most of the time.
We have talked extensively and I have decided to seek marriage guidance, but she will not attend so I go alone, I need to communicate how I feel to see if I'm over analysing the situation. My wife say's that this is what happens with long term relationships and it's to be expected.
There are so many instances of inconsiderate behaviour and I cannot possibly list them...
My question is am I being a wet blanket, should I man up and take it on the chin or are my concerns justified ?
She obviously has some issues with me, such as too needy, which leads to lol... being mardy ... god it actually sounds a bit pathetic now I've written it down but I'm going to send it any way.
Please be critical
I don't want to be critical, but I will say that it's impossible to know from what you have posted.
Can you really not persuade her into couple's therapy?
Unfortunately not, I have tried.
Because she feels I am being unreasonably critical regarding our emotional and physical relationship.
The way I see it because she gets what she needs from our marriage my wife is happy ergo no problem therefore no need to talk to someone about a problem that doesn't exist. catch 22 for me..
Well, there might be too many examples to list but listing a couple might help us a bit...
Do I refer to my wife as W?
W went out with one of her girlfriends, and came back in a taxi at 4AM with two men ?
W went on holiday with her girlfriends, I phoned W which she does not like and was in a pub, a man's voice shouted down the phone come back to bed. W immediately said it was too loud in the pub and ended the call.
On fathers day this year W has gone away with her friends.
On her 40th birthday W did not want to celebrate it with me and the kids W went to New York, only after I mentioned that we would like to spend W's actual birth date together did W change it.
You get my drift, these are some of the worst but there is an endless stream of incidents like these.
W explains them away like I'm some kind of jealous freak but is this acceptable ?
Thanks for reading
Garr you are not being unreasonable. Your needs are not being met. From what you write it seems you are doing your best to meet hers.
You need to sit her down and have a serious talk, asking her if she is happy with the way things are and explaining how you are not.
Sounds like she gets what she wants from the relationship and you get nothing.
She acts single too which is wrong.
I bet she plays away.
Why did her first marriage break up?? Did you have an affair?? The age of her child is the same as the time you've been together.
We have talked and she in general is happy, apart from the fact that I am not happy. She will not seek advice of any kind.
I always believed that restraints are a bad thing, they produce conflict, but if your too liberal are you taken advantage of ?
The thing is all I want to be is loved, valued and treated with respect, nothing more...
I think you should get yourself off to an STI clinic and get yourself checked out.
Sorry but it sounds like she is happy to get her needs met from various different men when away.
sounds like she has been unfaithful. Why are you left looking after the children?
lol.. bit rash, her libido is low has been for years. I don't actually think she plays away just oblivious to the attention that men give her and unthinking towards my feelings.
I know, I know your saying sucker, but I trust her, and the comments I've put above reflect the worse cases, not the general norm which is just to be negligent towards my emotional well being.
Reading back what I've put does make out that she plays away, but I don't think it is, she just finds herself in these positions that look bad without explanation.
God is that denial ?
Because I guess that's what parents do, it's not down to just women to look after the children, I enjoy being with my children. Just as I like cooking, and I contribute to the general cleaning (lol.. I mean about 5%) of the house.
I thought relationships were about teamwork and mutual gratification understanding and trust. But how can you have trust without feeling emotional and physical support.
You're not "needy" and you're a sucker. You're a rational, caring, normal sort of human being who has been stitched up by a user. Like all other people, you need emotional & physical contact - and verbal affirmation - to feel psychologically healthy. She dismisses this as being "needy". because she resents having to contribute any input to her relationships. She sees herself as the star of a show, all to her own script and direction, and you as a bit-player or even the scenery man.
You are doing yourself and your children a great disservice by putting up with it. She will not change; I suspect she can't.
Have you read about NPD? www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=symptoms
I phoned W which she does not like and was in a pub, a man's voice shouted down the phone come back to bed.
God is that denial?
Leaving aside the puzzle of why a bed would be in a pub (or vice versa - could the pub have been on the telly?) ... what do you think?
Poor you. It sounds awful. I don't have any practical advice I'm afraid but you are not unreasonably jealous to react to these incidents, and you are not controlling by trying to have a conversation about your relationship.
It's not you, it's her.
Oh, god, just seen this! "You're not "needy" and you're not a sucker."
Bit of a major typo Sorry.
The 'come back to bed' comment is more than likely a joke, she probably was in a pub, with some idiots, don't get too hung up on it.
the choosing not to spend time with you is more serious though.
NPD garlic? could be, could be.... Garr, does anything ring true from garlic's link?
No my wife is not narcissistic at all, she is attractive, but does not tend to play on it, she is almost devoid of emotional requirements, I know why this is she had a tough upbringing. I'm positive she was actually in the pub, and it was an idiot thinking what he was doing was funny. It wasn't the content it was how she handled it that disturbed me, if that was me I would of taken two minutes outside to complete the conversation. But hey that's me.
garlic, don't worry I love her so much I am willing to be made a sucker of.
I know I'm a sucker, I just want ... ??
OK, but you are where both garlic and I have been. In a relationship that is deeply harmful to our self esteem.
You are not a sucker, you sound like a caring, thoughtful and fair minded bloke. You know how rare men like you ARE? Your relationship is clearly very unhealthy, and you are being made miserable, but she is totally unwilling to do anything to resolve it.
Sorry, but she sounds like she has zero respect for you, she seemingly is being told her behaviour is hurtful, but she's loathed to do anything about it.
Does she want you to be jealous? Does she want you to kick off?
I'm not allowed to be jealous, in any form, even when things as described above happen.
She can be loving, considerate even passionate but once a month is not enough.
I don't want to fail so I'm trying everything to change myself to become a little more numb to comply with the way she is but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. But and this is the big but... I don't want to be with anyone else !
I think next time something happens I will post it on here in as much detail as possible and people can look at it impartially and see if they think I'm over reacting or W is.
I am on your side BUT it's pretty well agreed that when women withdraw sexual favours there is an emotional reason behind it- apart from the obvious like thier man not washng or having bad teeth.
Usually it is deeply held resentments- maybe around childcare, housework,the partner's selfishenss etc.
You have to ask yourself if you tick any of those boxes- simply because if you are a business owner and it's successful you presumably put a lot of time and energy into it.
You see it is just posisble that your W is saying to her firends "He has no time for me except when he wants sex. he never helps out, he doesn't help with the kids, never asks how i am feeling but expects me to attend to his emotional and physical needs."
You get my drift?
In return her friends might say "Well you make use of the income you have and do your own thing. That might make im jealous and start behaving differently"/
Now all of this is just a theory.
You might be great- emotionally intelligent, attentive, great dad, interested in her and her day etc etc.
On the other hand you could be the selfish, workaholic egoist described above!
In either case, if youw ant to save your marriage I'd suggest you "book a time" to talk away from the kids etc. take her out to dinner. tell her you know she is not happy ( even though her gadding about like a single woman seems to say otherwise.) ask her what you can do to make things better.
If she says "nothing, I'm fine"- then tell her that you aren't fine. tell her that you can't carry on like this. Suggest counselling ( again) and if she won't agree to it, go on your own.
Something is underlying her behaviour and you both need to find out what.
If you really get nowhere then maybe you will have to suggest the words separation and divorce and see her reaction.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.