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is this what you would expect from someone who loves you?

(39 Posts)
vannah Sat 18-Jun-11 21:44:57

Several years ago my husband was friends/working partner with a wealthy but arrogant artist, much older than him. For some reason this man took a disliking to me (he is gay and as far as I know my DH isnt bi) and did everything he could to stop DH marrying me. He landed my husband in a huge financial mess right before our wedding and I was furious.
I told DH that I didnt want this awful man in our lives. It turned out that most of DH's friends strongly disliked this man. He wrote DH an emotional letter saying that 'it seems that unless a certain somebody dies, we shall no longer be in contact'. Ive interpreted that weird comment to mean that he wished me dead. DH defends his friend and says that it just means he could not be in contact with this man whilst Im alive.

Now, 7 years later, this man has contacted my husband again and they had the longest, most warmest conversation on the phone today. My husband was clearly arranging things and kicking off the friendship again. He said that there is no point in harbouring negative feelings. With someone who wished your wife dead?

Am I over-reacting to think that he should be loyal to me and tell this man politely to bugger off? Is this what you can expect from someone who apparently loves you?
any thoughts appreciated thankyou

strawberryjelly Sat 18-Jun-11 21:48:17

Unless his friend has eaten tonnes of humble pie and openly admitted he was a prize dick saying those things about you- they your DH should tell him to bugger off and never darken your doors again.

vannah Sat 18-Jun-11 21:59:42

thankyou strawberryjelly...of course he hasn't ever apologised or mentioned those comments, which were also easily forgotten by my husband..

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 18-Jun-11 22:11:51

No. I would not expect my husband to do this.

QuintessentialShadow Sat 18-Jun-11 22:14:38

No, my husbands loyalty should NOT be to a friend who made such comments.

curtaincall Sat 18-Jun-11 22:16:34

Sounds like someone I know. So hard to come between friends though, especially if one of them is your DH and there is a long history and the older man has some sort of hold over him. Yes, I would have a serious conversation with DH about how concerned you are about him. The comments in the letter years ago were not only immature but quite threatening to you. Would you know if this person wants to make peace and be friendly (if not friends) with you? Does he live in the same country as you? I would be very wary.

vannah Sat 18-Jun-11 22:20:20

Many thanks for your replies. Thankfully he lives abroad, and contact will be minimal if at all.

I just find it extremely hurtful that the person I am married to who supposedly loves me could be so warm to a person who made such awful comments.

NimpyWindowmash Sat 18-Jun-11 22:24:05

"as far as I know my DH isnt bi"
As far as you know doesn't sound like you're very confident to be honest. Are these too a bit hooked on each other in a way that's more than friendship? I wouldn't be happy about it at all. What's so important about the friendship, after 7 years, that means he isn't able to respect your wishes? I don't think you should let him fob you off. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with him having strong feelings for another man, but he needs to be honest about his motives.

vannah Sat 18-Jun-11 22:29:45

apparently my husband misses their 'intellectual' conversations and the wisdom he passed on to DH about Art.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 18-Jun-11 22:47:12

And the fact that he wanted you dead doesn't mean that your husband thinks any less of him or anything?

QuintessentialShadow Sun 19-Jun-11 21:47:15

Wanting you dead proves what an nonintellectual he is, I would imagine... hmm

SirSugar Sun 19-Jun-11 21:54:15

Hes somewhat passionate about you for some reason, if he intensly dislikes you and wishes you dead..hmm

SirSugar Sun 19-Jun-11 21:54:56

Is his art any good?

WhoAteMySnickers Sun 19-Jun-11 22:01:24

I wouldn't be happy about this in your situation.

But what I would do is let the contact flare up again and then fizzle out, which it will if this guy lives abroad.

garlicnutter Sun 19-Jun-11 22:05:32

I think your DH is being naive. This other man went significantly out of his way to try and prevent DH making changes to his own life, which didn't suit the other man. Remember how readily he stitched DH up, leaving him in the lurch at a time when he knew it would be most painful. He is not a friend.

I think you need to be careful of making this all about you, OP. In fact, I doubt whether the other man really gives a stuff about you either way (sorry, but I'm trying to get this written quickly). The only reason he bothered about you was because DH chose you, which was against OM's wishes as it altered their friendship. Think, instead, about how this is inevitably going to progress. Discuss with DH.

LeQueen Sun 19-Jun-11 22:13:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicnutter Sun 19-Jun-11 22:16:42

Yes, quite the manipulator, LeQ. I reckon he's had somebody else on his strings for the past 7 years, they got wise to him so he yanked a few of his old lines to see if any were still biting ...

ShoutyHamster Mon 20-Jun-11 08:53:52

I rarely say this, but - show your husband this thread. Because I bet you'll get several more replies pointing out that it's your husband who looks like the poor fool here.

This guy sounds a complete knob, but quite an accomplished user. A brilliant friend, you say? Who lands him in a financial mess (it seems) out of spite that your DH had found someone else to focus on, who deeply insults and pretty much threatens his partner, who all his other friends (surprise surprise) also can't stand?

You're right to be thoroughly pissed off at this situation, but it's not really about this crappy so-called 'friend'. It's about your DH. Ask him why he has reacted like this to the reappearance of a person who basically treated him with total disdain, who clearly doesn't respect him or his choices. Is he usually so gullible and so easily impressed by people who appear grandiose, glamorous, exciting? Then he needs to grow up a bit. Intellectual conversations, passing on wisdom? How silly does your husband sound?! Very!

This guy sounds like a complete bellend, but your husband also sounds a naive fool right now. I would point this out to him, and say that he reignites this friendship at the risk of losing your respect completely. NOT because of what this guy said about you (which as others have said only goes to show how childish and unintellectual this person is - he's certainly not worth a moment's thought, really) but because it shows up your DH as a silly, easily impressed, weak little doormat of a man. Mr. Flouncy Art Critic isn't his friend. That's obvious to anyone but him, so point it out before he makes a total fool of himself.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 20-Jun-11 09:05:42

I would also show your H the replies to this thread; a group of strangers to you are basically on the same page here.

I am wondering what your H is getting out of this relationship with this man now.

Your H may well state from his lofty perch that there's no point harbouring negative feelings but he has not had such insults and threatening stuff said to him. Saying that to you as well does not take you into account.

Who is his primary loyalty now to - this svengali type man or you?.

I would certainly concur with the others; this man seems like a svengali and your H is his muse. Think too that your friend's opinions of this older man (i.e they don't like him) are also instructive here.

HerHissyness Mon 20-Jun-11 09:11:06

Yeah, I agree, show DH this thread.

Unless this guy personally apologises to YOU, to your DH and puts right the mess he dumped your DH in then TBH, I'd view your DH allowing this man in his life as a betrayal of you, your family and your marriage and, to boot, a slap in your face.

So are you going to be expected to invite this fella into your home? make him a cuppa?, pass him a glass of wine?.... when he said he wished you DEAD?

outrageous. There are plenty of intelligent arty people, your DH needs to cast his net in richer and more educated (by which I mean better mannered) waters.

HerHissyness Mon 20-Jun-11 09:13:15

Can I apply to join the ShoutyHamster Fan Club? Shouty, you ROCK! grin

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jun-11 09:16:34

what SH said

OP, your husband is making himself look like a weak, easily-impressed fool with the self-esteem of a wet lettuce

he needs to man up

ShoutyHamster Mon 20-Jun-11 09:26:02

eek blush

What a nice thing to say HerHissyness

See OP? Ditch the rage at the idiot and channel it into ASTONISHMENT at your H's silliness. Hopefully he'll begin to see what everyone else can! Oh, and do invent a lovely new household name for Mr. Critic. Professor Svengali Poncey-Flounceham? 'Sven Darling' to you of course. smile

darleneoconnor Mon 20-Jun-11 09:32:53

Your 'd' h is being very disloyal to you. Has he forgotten his wedding vows? He should be eating humble pie and begging your forgiveness.

HerHissyness Mon 20-Jun-11 09:52:11

Shouty, you are brill!.. See, even the lovely MsAF agrees with me... though she is on retainer wink

vannah? Is he a critic or an artist.... would he be known or not?

Think Shouty's idea of a nickname is AWESOME too ...."Pick-Arso?"

<polishes new ShoutyHamster Fan Badge>

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