Strange friend.

[TotallyLovely]

Do you any of have a friend like this?

She is lovely and nice to me in a lot of ways and seems to really care about me and miss me when we don't see each other for a while . . . but . . .

Recently her ds was ill. Some sort of virus thing which in itself is not dangerous but can cause problems which is rare but can be serious. The ds has been having regular check ups and seems fine though. Every time I speak to her I always ask (if she doesn't mention first) how ds check ups have been going. Seems the normal thing to do to me!

Anyway last time I asked she snapped my head off and said "thanks for that, I'd forgotten all about it, thanks a lot!" in a really arsey way. (she meant thanks for putting it back in her head)

I should mention that we only see each other once every few months so it's not like this is something I am insensitively going on about all the time.

She also seems to like pointing out things that I have in her opinion done wrong. Such as a social "boo boo" I made a couple of years ago. I personally don't agree that it was a boo boo (can't think of a better term for it) at all, it's a matter of opinion, but she obviously did and keeps going on about it in the company of others and it's starting to feel as though she is trying to humiliate me.

She often takes the piss out of clothes I am wearing which I find mean especially as I don't comment at all on her "individual" choices, and recently took the piss out of the dinner I had made her and her DH. Not straight away, but later when we were sitting around drinking she said that it had been a bizaar meal (really it wasn't!)

I have had a friend like this before and after a long time I realised that she was insecure and putting me down to make herself feel better. Don't really want to accept that this one is the same though. I know that the first example isn't the same as the rest but there have been others like that.

[ronx]

Why do you want a friend like this. Life is too short to hang out with toxic people.

[scurryfunge]

She doesn't sound particularly pleasant. Do you have other friends who are less draining?

[Longtalljosie]

Is this person important to you? She sounds like a lot of work...

[IWantWine]

I dont think she is a 'friend' at all. Friends dont do things like that!

[UkeHunt]

She isn't a friend, she is a bitch.

Bin her.

[Bohica]

The first one could be out down to a bad day & wrong timing but the rest make her sound very disrespectful towards you.

What was the boo boo

[MumblingRagDoll]

She sounds horrid! Get rid. If she's bothering you then tell her why and see if she tries harder...if not then by-bye!

[Wonders what the Boo-boo was]

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

Well, it doesn't sound from those things that she likes you very much.

What does she do that proves to you that she is actually your friend?

[ConnorTraceptive]

I know you don't want to accept that your friend is mean and frankly a bitch but she is.

I've just come to accept that a close family member is infact a poisonous witch and frankly their nasty attitude now far outways their good points. Like ronx said lifes to short to spend time with people who make you feel bad. My lightbulb moment came when I realised that it has been over 6 months since we've started seeing numerous health professionals about ds's development issues and i've not actually been able to bring myself to tell her about it for fear of the insensitive horseshit she will spout freely.

(sorry mini rant )

[2010Dad]

Low self esteem and badly brought up.

[TotallyLovely]

Thanks for your replies. At the time when she says these things she often says it in a patronising 'oh aren't you strange/funny/daft' sort of way that makes it seem like she is just joking and I am a silly little girl, well apart from the boo boo thing, which has made others around us uncomfortable.

The boo boo was, that we went to a mutual friends picnic thing that they had in a field. We each took some food contributions to share and wine or beer. I took a bottle of wine as did most of the females. When I got there the host took the wine from me and put it in an ice bucket and I went and sat with my friends. My friends (about 5) were already drinking wine and had a couple of bottles in the middle of the picnic rug and wine glasses so I helped myself to the wine thinking that we were all sharing. She started laughing in a "I can't believe it sort of way". My friend kept making some sort of joke which at the time I didn't get was directed at me as I still didn't think I had done anything wrong and our other friend looked at her as if to say "ssshhhh" and looked uncomfortable. Eventually I realised that it was directed at me so I asked her what was going on and she told me that she couldn't believe I had just helped myself to her wine. I said that I thought in these situations you took along a bottle and people shared, much as you would if you went to a party (which it was but just so happened to be in a field). The other friend just looked uncomfortable while me and my friend argued about whether it is normal to go to a party with a bottle of wine and spend the evening walking around with it, keeping it all to yourself! So anyway she still goes on about it all this time later.

You are probably all going to tell me I am wrong now!

[EveryonesJealousOfGingers]

My friends and I would always share wine, even if one person had turned up empty handed. She doesn't sound very nice.

[ScarlettIsWalking]

I really don't think she is a friend. I am really sorry but she sounds horrible and she puts you down and is cruel to you. You didn't make a boo boo atvall and the fact that she is STILL bringing it up is frankly strange.

To make negative comments about a meal someone has made for you is disgusting. She should be ashamed and I'm surprised her husband wasn't embarassed to be with her.

[TwoJackRussellsandabean]

Totally,

she sounds like she's still in the playground and making herself feel better by putting you down, toxic types like that are best slowly edged out whilst you meet new people and make friends who deserve your time and attention.

[TotallyLovely]

It's strange because I had a friend like this before, I have also been in abusive, controlling relationships and these friendsips seem to be the friendship equivelant. Why do I attract people like this?

We have known each other for about 4 years now so it's not a particularly new friendship and is a shame to let it go. I wish I could knock down every comment as it comes but I am just not like that, I think too slowly!

I do wonder though what the other people at the picnic thought? If they thought I was as socially crap as she seems to. I find that more embarrassing then anything and cringed for ages after about it.

[OhBuggerandArse]

Re. the picnic: she was wrong. And even if she hadn't been, going on about it either at the time or afterwards was far worse. Any embarrassment should certainly not be on your part.

[TotallyLovely]

So I wasn't a social nob-end to help myself to wine then? No one stood up for me when it was going on, just looked uncomfortable and were trying to get her to stop going on about it (just with mutterings and looks really). The whole thing made me feel shit.

[ExpatAgain]

its' one of those situations where you arrived on the scene after they'd already decided how to play the picnic, how could you have known? quite natural to have done what you did, don't worry! I guess best way would have been to laugh it off/make some quick remark at the time and move on (dh good at this) but like you say you are, i'm no good at thinking quickly enough to do this at the time.
I have and have had friends like this, some of us seem to attract them! Think maybe if we are polite it comes over as mild/pushable to more domineering types and they think they can have a pop! feel for you..

[ensure]

You were right about the wine! She sounds very draining. And not life-enriching at all. You don't need a friend like her!

[HumphreyCobbler]

She sounds absolutely awful. Ditch her.

You were in the right about the wine btw, but you know that already. Even if you had been in the wrong, who would go on and on about it like that?

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

Someone on here has a great seemingly-polite response for these situations:

'Did you realize how rude that sounded?'

Please use it next time she puts you down. She sounds like a rude patronizing woman who thinks she can get away with it because no-one challenges her Maybe she'd be a nice friend if you told her she was overstepping ... probably not. Either way it'd be satisfying!

[garlicnutter]

You don't attract people like this, my love. What happens is that you accept bad behaviour and/or make excuses for it, so they get to stick around. People with no abuse in their backgrounds just go "wtf?!" and stop making space for them in their lives.

It's not you, it's her.

[cookcleanerchaufferetc]

She sounds like a right bitch. You were not wrong re the wine. Very curious as to what the bizarre meal was!?

[buzzsore]

I don't think you were wrong about the wine - it's weird not to share - surely you'd just go through what was open and then open another?

I like that MN response "do you realise how rude that sounded" that LRD said. It's great, and if you keep this woman as a friend, embed it into your brain and say it everytime she makes these horrid remarks. And if she laughs it off, say 'Oh, rude is funny. O-Kaaay'.

But she might not be worth hanging onto. Who needs it?

[ajandjjmum]

She sounds like the sort of friend you'd be happier without.