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Am I being naive about my relationship with this man....(long)

(115 Posts)
AmInaive Sat 18-Jun-11 20:39:30

A few months ago I met DP - since then I've been lurking a lot here as he has two kids and I'm childless so the concept of being the evil step mother had me freaking. From the minute we met the chemistry was there - not just sex but we just clicked. So we went out and shared our histories. I've recently come out of a long term abusive relationship - earl last year - and he's just settled a divorce thats been going on three years. In those three years he had a break down and ended moving into a house share with his mate and the woman who owned the house with his mate.

Now, over the last couple of years when he got invites for DP and guest, he took this woman. If he's being honest then he did kind of lead her along but more for companionship rather than any intention of having a long term relationship.

Since about the third week we were together we have been talking long term. Moving in together, getting married etc however the problem is he needs to be sure because if he moves out of this house share to move in with me and we split up then he'd be homeless if it happened within a year or two. His credit is shot - part of the hangover from the divorce, he'd never get a lease in his own name and would have to start over in a new share etc. There is an age gap - he's in his early 50s and I'm mid thirties but is not an issue on either side.

I've just had to find a long term let as my flat was being sold from under me and am moving into an unfurnished house. I was looking to do that before we met but couldnt find somewhere. Now I have and I move in a month. The unspoken agreement is that at some point he will move in withe me - and we have both agreed that that will be "when the time is right". Neither of us want to rush into this - after all if we're right together then we have years so 6-12 months doesnt make a difference. And I'm fine with that. However in the mean time I have to see him go home to his house to his friend. I 100% believe they are not doing anything sexual - whether they have in the past I don't know, and I really don't care. However sometimes I have a few nagging doubts like now, hence the reason I'm asking the panel.

For:
1. His family(father, sister etc) know about me and that we're probably going to get married one day and have asked what he's going to do about X - he's said well I've never said there was going to be anything long term she has just assumed
2. His work mates know about me (and for various reasons in my life I know most of his workmates and they know who I am and I see them often)
3. He talks to my friends and them to him
4. He'll literally do anything for me with no complaints and does stuff I don't ask or expect him to
5. He's aware of most of my faults and me his and we can deal with them (I'm a slob and he's a neat freak)
6. If it wasnt for the living arrangement he has I would not have an issue at all

Against:
1. We have not said how we'll know when the time is right, I guess I just assume we'll know. But I fear I'll end up being the perennial other woman if at some point I don't say fish or cut bait. But then is she not now the other woman? I get confused over this.
2. He works shifts, including weekends, and I work away mon-fri - getting time together that is NORMAL rather than heading to bed is difficult. I can't change my job and he can't change his. When we have done stuff such as go to the amusement park (two people our age on the dogems!) it been great, absolutely no issue, but I fear if we can't spend normal time together how will we know when the time is right
3. He sometimes jokes with his work mates that his girlfriend in X knows about the girlfriend in Y but Y doesnt know about X. That makes me feel cheap and I sometimes think it outweights all of 1-6 but knowing his sense of humour and the fact I've never called him on it tells me I'm being unreasonable

I don't know, I'm just confused. Part of me knows that I will wait until he's sure because I know after what he's been through that its going to be a major leap for him to move out with no safety net and until then the pretence with Y needs to stay. However I don't want to be taken for a mug.

A few times I've reacted badly to things he's done but on running them by friends and then telling him about them I've realised it was just me projecting my ex-relationship on him. I expect to be treated badly so therefore I look for it in everything. Not once has he been less than honest or treated me in anyway badly. I could list some of the things he's done for me (like drive 50 mile round trip to fetch me from an airport rather than me having to take a bus at 11pm - which I am perfectly used to doing, coming over and cleaning my flat, buying new bedding because I'd been ill the day before I had to go away to work and hadnt had a chance to clean or change the bed - d&v it was ugly and if not self employed I would not have gone)

I guess I just want some thoguhts on the above.

catsareevil Sat 18-Jun-11 20:44:58

How does the other woman react to you?

AmInaive Sat 18-Jun-11 20:46:22

She doesnt know about me because if she did, he couldnt live there still.

AmInaive Sat 18-Jun-11 20:46:41

Everybody knows about me except her

chris123456 Sat 18-Jun-11 20:46:57

Way way too early to be making any plans irrespective of your histories

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 18-Jun-11 20:49:59

Are you saying that he is living with another women who doesn't know that he goes out with you and is intimate with you sometimes?

catsareevil Sat 18-Jun-11 20:51:27

It sounds like you could be the 'other woman' then - if his friends, family, workmates and her all think that she is his partner.

FabbyChic Sat 18-Jun-11 20:51:35

If there is nothing going on between them why can he not have a relationship with someone else?

it seems weird she has that kind of control over him, he could share elsewhere so why the need to stay where he does?

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 20:52:10

I was on the fence until I read point 3 in your 'against' list and then I thought, 'what an insensitive knob'.

I'm still not sure from your OP how in the picture this OW is? Does she still think she has 'something' with your DP? Does he let her think that? If so, why hasn't he drawn some clear boundaries. As another poster said, how does she react to you?

I could probably deal with the situation you describe as long as all parties were very clear about where they stood, but I get the impression from your post that the OW thinks she might still be in with a chance or something and your DP isn't being straight with her??

It does sound a bit sus.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 18-Jun-11 20:52:10

Look, is he her boyfriend or is he your boyfriend? I'm confused.

And if he's her boyfriend, he really really really shouldn't be using her for accommodation whilst he sleeps with someone else should he?

How come you've accepted this

strawberryjelly Sat 18-Jun-11 20:53:35

ooooooh- loads of info here and stuggled to keep up a bit!

I see exactly whay you mean BUT as a 50 -something myself, I'm struggling a little to know how he can't be solvent and get at least a lease in his name? surely his kids are oldish/adults?

Basically what you are saying is he is living with a landlady for want of a better term who he might have been shagging before he met you- and you are worried it will carry on. She seems to think they have a relationship- yes?

I know you won't like this but..I'd say slow down. You appear to be trying to run before you can both walk. Is this not all a bit quick?

How long have you known him? a few months might mean 3 or 10?

I just feel uneasy about his financial circumstances being the reason for his needing to stay put. you only have his word for it, don't you? you don't see his actual bank statements.

How do you feel about getting together with a guy anyway who has debt problems and is in this financial mess at 50+?

Surely his divorce settlement should have been fair- so it left hi m enough to live on with shared equity etc etc?

Does he have a decent job?

I'd say the best thing he can do is:

move out into some sort of accommodation onhis own or as a sharer. I don't really believe this is not possible.

OR if you are both as keen as you say you are on each other, rent somewhere together all above board, both names on lease etc etc .

whatever you do, don't just let him move in with you or it could be a repeat of the scenaro he already has.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 20:54:23

Woah just cross-posted with everyone!

So she doesn't know about you? Sorry, but that is well dodgy. What possible reason could he have for needing to keep you a secret?

If she kicks him out, he's a big boy, he can find somewhere else to live, no?

AmInaive Sat 18-Jun-11 20:57:21

His work mates, friends and family know about me and we're talking about moving in/getting married - I know, I've spoke to them since I know most of his mates/work mates independently of him - its kind of how me met

I've also spoke virtually to his family and know they know about me.

He can't have a relationship with someone because the woman says things like "when we move to A", or "when we've been together 2 years" etc and he's worried if he says out right no way jose the living arrangement will become unbearable since she owns half the house. It his own fault for leading her on taking her as "guest"

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 20:57:56

Also, I'm going to stick my head above the parapet here and say that talking about getting serious so early on is a pretty big red flag. Especially given the fact that he's such a financial mess and somehow dependent on this woman for a roof over his head. Be very careful that he's not just seeing you as a means to a better end now that things with this woman have gone tits up.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 20:59:32

Sounds like she thinks she is in a relationship with him.

Do his work mates know about her as well as his family? The more you post, the weirder this all sounds tbh.

ruddynorah Sat 18-Jun-11 21:00:21

you've spoken to his family 'virtually'? skype?

AmInaive Sat 18-Jun-11 21:00:51

He went bankrupt, had to sign the house over to his ex wife, but he does have a very very well respected job. He can't get a guarantor.

But then I have a very very well respected job and may end up bankrupt myself before the end of the year. Hence the reason i've been trying to fidn a long term let before it happens.

Even the guy who owns the house with this woman knows about me - its just her. Frankly I think she must suspect but isnt saying anything.

MumblingRagDoll Sat 18-Jun-11 21:04:33

How has his divorce stopped him from getting a lease?

You are he other woman, he is probably still sleeping with her and you need to end this now....his tales of "I can't tell her as she will throw me out" is a lie...he is a grown man...with a job...he could get another flat share.
Why can't he sort one out?

Sorry but no way would I put up with this.

AmInaive Sat 18-Jun-11 21:04:49

Skype and facebook. So no, I don't believe its him using imposters. Believe me I am not a more secure roof than her - I might get off with an IVA but I may be going bankrupt soon.

I'm not against quick relationships, two of the longest relationships I know got enagaged after 4 weeks and 8 week respectively, so that doesnt bother me in itself.

Once I move into the new house, its a two year lease, I'm paying the two year rent up front with the money I get out of my old house with my ex (that is a drop in the ocean to my debts) so there is a roof over my head for two years even if I go bankrupt. Regardless of him being in the picture.

MumblingRagDoll Sat 18-Jun-11 21:06:32

X post with you "AmINaive"

So he can't get a guarantor....I can see that could be awkward....however, I also think that he needs to adress this woman before you move forward.

If you are serious then he could look into renting privately. You dont always need a guarantor to do that.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 21:06:47

Are you happy being kept a secret from a woman he lives with who is under the misapprehension that she's in a relationship with your boyfriend?

I wouldn't be.

Besides, it's not fair on her. You're colluding with him in making her look like a fool. How would you feel if it was the other way round (in fact, how can you be sure it isn't the other way round?!).

The whole thing stinks. I'd be inclined to tell him to go away and call me once he's sorted all his messy personal shit out.

BelleDameSansMerci Sat 18-Jun-11 21:07:31

Sorry but the best that he is doing is deceiving her. I suspect he is deceiving you both.

It's totally apparent (from what you've said) she thinks she's in a relationship with him. It's the only reason he could possibly be worried about being made homeless.

How would you feel if you were her?

AmInaive Sat 18-Jun-11 21:07:32

The reason I'm putting up with it is, the other woman is the one who is normally the secret. I can definitely say I am not a secret - his circle even know me personally not just as "his girlfriend". I can't say too much more without outing us to anyone who knows us and doesnt know the full story.

MumblingRagDoll Sat 18-Jun-11 21:09:26

Yes...but he is still "protecting" her from you.

Yika Sat 18-Jun-11 21:09:30

It sounds to me as though he has a full on relationship with this other woman. But even if he doesn't, I think he's using her and I don't like the sound of it.

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