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Narc Mother just hung up on ME. For once I am not calling her back. Come and join the letting hew stew thread to remind me I am not a heartless cow.....

(168 Posts)
DrNortherner Sat 18-Jun-11 19:21:35

Loads of threads on here about her, worse since Dad died 2 years ago.

Called her tonight, got the cold shoulder, she was just telling me how down she is, how lonley she is, and what terrible dreams she is having, then she moaned for 10 mins about her Mother and her friends, then just giving me one word answers, I pushed to find out what was wrong with her <glutton for punishment> and she broke into floods of hysterical tears.

She said she was so hurt that I haven't called her since Wednesday evening (used to call every day, then every other day, trying to make it less as she is so hard work) She also said I don't visit as much as I used to when dad was alive.

I rationally explained I a busy, and petrol costs alot (she lives 80 miles away and does not drive) Still, she kept on crying and saying how much I am hurting her.

I very firmly, told her that I was pissed off, and it feels like a slap in the face to here this from her. I call her at least 4 times a week and visit her once a month. We only saw her on Sunday FGS.I also firmly reminded her she only calls her Mother once a week. Because I was being firm, she the cried even more asking me why I was being so mean to her, and that she didn't it at the moment. I simply said I was defending myself as you said I don't visit or call you enough. Then the classic narc answer 'I did not say that, you are putting words in my mouth' hmm

Then she said she is upset as my dh is rude to her (he is blunt with her as he has witnessed 13 years of her emotionally blackmailing me and he refuses to let her get away with it, more so since Dad died)

Dh barely visits her and she is so draining, but tonight she said it must be because she lives on a council estate hmm He has no problem with the fact of where she lives, its her behaviour he has an issue with.

Then, she said 'There's no point talking to you when you are like this' and hung up on me......

Normally, I would call her back. This time I AM NOT.

<counts to ten slowly>

HerHissyness Sat 18-Jun-11 19:30:08

Hold your line, don't crumble. Get DH to sit on you or something. Go out, leave phone behind, unplug answerphone, be elsewhere for as long as you wish.

You can do this DrN!

SuePurblybilt Sat 18-Jun-11 19:32:04

I don't know your background but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Keep busy to keep your mind off it (I clean out cupboards)

VivaLeBeaver Sat 18-Jun-11 19:41:05

Good for you. How long will it be before she rings you do you think?

My mum tried telling me recently that she thinks I should ring her every day. I made it quite clear that's not going to happen. She stomped off from my house in a mood on weds and I,m currently resisting ringing her. I had an op on tues and she came round unannounced, woke me up. I was really groggy and said I needed to go back to bed and she flounced big style.

I know I'm going to end up ringing her later this weekend and will get it in the neck about how rude I am........

Katisha Sat 18-Jun-11 19:49:03

Good. Don't weaken. She will up the ante now.
Be prepared for her to suddenly have a health scare or something.

Are you looking into some counselling for yourself, as per a thread or two ago?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 18-Jun-11 20:07:11

Stand firm Dr N. You can do this. You do not have to be her narc supply.

Do consider counselling for your own self re your NPD mother.

It is NOT your fault she is this way.

drivingmisscrazy Sat 18-Jun-11 20:10:31

Hello DrNo grin Yep, let her stew. This sounds very like my mother, who emailed earlier this week to demand that I spend 'at least three full days' with her at the end of July (er, I do have a job!) and laid a load of guilt on me about how she sees less and less of me and how this will get worse (a sly reference to DD2 due in November). This was in the context of my having told her that DP, DD and I are going on a week's modest holiday...probably our only holiday for some years to come. She is also majorly pissed off about DD2 - when I rang to tell her, she said 'oh, I suppose this means that I can't come for Christmas' shock.

Anyway, I've rather enjoyed waiting until today to reply, pointing out that I can't just drop everything and travel to the UK when she wants - not least because our household income is probably now less than 50% of what it was 2 years ago.

<and breathe>

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 18-Jun-11 20:22:32

God both my parents did this. If I wasn't no contact with them I could figure out which was the worst narc!!.

Stick with it you did nothing wrong. The guilt is what they rely on.

DrNortherner Sat 18-Jun-11 20:34:01

Thanks all. You know what it's like. In the moment you know you are right, then as time passes the guilt creeps back in.

I just know her night will be ruined and she will be wailing all evening and she won't sleep a wink. Or that's what she'll tell em at least.

Re councelling, I did do a bit of google research but haven't made an calls yet. I know I need to.

DRiving they sounds so similar it's scary. Perhaps we should start a running splinter group for those with nightmare Mothers?

drivingmisscrazy Sat 18-Jun-11 20:35:12

how about 'running from the narcs' - that might make me speed up!

hugglymugly Sat 18-Jun-11 21:29:36

I don't want to seem too harsh, but these women aren't really being mothers, even if they do fulfill the definition of the noun. Yes, they may have issues for which they genuinely need help, but they're not going to improve their lives (should they actually want to?) if they're still getting their narcissistic feed or satisfaction from control.

I could write screeds about my reasons for going no-contact with my mother, and she wasn't as bad as some I've read about here. But it got to the stage where there was one rule for dealing with her, and another rule for dealing with everybody else on the planet. It was draining to have to switch personas, so I ditched the persona that had to deal with her by ditching her.

Despite what anybody might say to you, there is no shame in ditching those in your life who are damaging/corrosive/attention-seeking/controlling, etc. You do have the right to free your life from that, and the lives of your partners/children as well.

Ignore the demands, because that's all they are - they're demands, not love.

drivingmisscrazy Sat 18-Jun-11 21:33:59

huggly I agree - there is nothing nurturing or caring, or even kind about my mother's relationship to me; but (and it is a big but) she is 77, and I am her only child. OTOH, I do feel that a lot of my life has been blighted by her - I rarely say this in real life, as people with normal relationships with their mothers are so shocked by this.

But this is the woman who, when my DP had a miscarriage, sat down and wrote me a card saying, 'well, I didn't approve, so it's just as well' shock.

rosie0000 Sun 19-Jun-11 08:17:41

Stay strong Drnorth. It was her choice to hang up on you and it will be her choice to have a sleepless night- it's not your fault.

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 19-Jun-11 08:42:11

I knew this would be you! My mother did this to me - I lasted six weeks before calling her back, and wished I hadn't - got the "Oh you've remembered that I exist at last" line. I pointed out (as I do almost every week) that the phone is a two way thing, and she could pick it up and call me, rather than sitting in and seething because I haven't. And if it does go for longer than a week now without me ringing her, I get "Oh I thought something must have happened, that you or the children were ill or had had an accident..."

Sympathy (as always!) but no real advice! It will be interesting to see if she cracks first and rings you!

DrNortherner Sun 19-Jun-11 12:58:27

Thanks smile

Well, no call from her yet. And it's Fathers Day. It would be nice for her to pick up the phone to me.

Driving that is simply evil what she wrote in that card after your dp's miscarriage. Evil. We just would not accept this from anyone else would we?

I keep remembering more from our conversation yesterday. As I calmly told her I have a busy life, a job, a child, a husband, a social life, a hobby (I run 4/5 times a week) I think I am doing the best I can visiting her once a month and phoning 4 times a week. She simply said 'Well we'll have to agree to disagree on that'

Then I got angry and raised my voice and she tells me she can't cope with me being awful to her.

She is pushing all my buttons, and I fear, that one day will give it to her warts and all. There is so much I can say to her, about how she made Dad's life hell, how she spoke to him like shit whilst he had a job, and was a local ward councillor and he still ran around after her and waited on her hand and foot, all for no thanks. She belittled in him front of people, hated it when people thanked him for gifts, she would openly say it was her who bought it, if it was down to him you wouldn't have got a gift.....if anyone complimented his wonderful community work she would say he could not possibly do it without her support. He was 65 and still working and attending numerous meetings, and waiting on her hand and foot and listening to her day in and day out, and quite frankly I think she drove him to e out of the house so much and busy himself elsewhere. And I think she contributed to his early death and I hate her for it. I am scared I will say so much to her, and then there will be no going back.

My biggest regret is not speaking to him about it when he was alive. He always defended her. And, I guess as I loved him so much, I was scared to make a stand against her because deep down I think he would have defended her behaviour and told me I was in the wrong and to hear that from him would have crushed me.

He had to listen to her every single day of his life, and I realise now just what a burden that must have been. Yet he still managed to be the most wonderful Father to me, he was wise and pragmatic and so not a drama queen. He never caused anyone a moments bother or upset ever. I miss him every single day.

Phew. That turned out to be longer than I planned. This is like therapy I guess.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Sun 19-Jun-11 14:50:39

I have to say that it sounds like you resent your mum for your dad. However, your mum may be my mums twin!! Don't give in and call her back ... Resist the urge, shut out any guilt and be strong. YANBU at all.

DrNortherner Sun 19-Jun-11 14:54:40

Hell yeah I resent how she treated him. I resent how she treats me like I never lost anyone. I do resent her.

Our relationship is totally doomed isn't it?

ContraryMartha Sun 19-Jun-11 15:03:57

Not totally doomed.
Bt it does sound as though she is used to being pandered to, and plays the martyr.
Why they do this, I don't know. It's so infuriating, self-serving, pathetic but really sad too.
I think you are going to have to stay strong. It's manipulation isnt it? If you give in and start playing her game, you will be playing it until the day she dies.
Stick to your terms and try to remind yourself what relationships are SUPPOSED to look like.

I mean, seriously, cam you imagine hanging up on your own DC??

TeachMySelfBalance Sun 19-Jun-11 15:16:48

Hi Dr. N,
Sympathies, empathies, and a big {{{hug}}}.

I may be guessing, this is based on my experience with the narc in my life, who is my middle sister- who was well trained by my narc/bipolar/alcholic mother. (I am the youngest now 49.)

Anyway, I think your mother is shaming you. That is sort of a vehicle to get the Narc Supply (or should it be NARC SUPPLY?). Shaming gives the shamer a posture of superiority and the receiver is diminished back to toddlerhood. In addition, the campaign of shame results in kind of a state of being brainwashed for the receipent-to expect it, or to somehow constantly feel it. Does that make any sense at all to you?

You have been shamed enough. Try reading that sentence over and over-a mantra to create a shield from the toxicity she radiates on your life.

I have been shamed enough. This was a real turning point for me and I hope it will be for you, too.

She can see that you are creating distance from her. I think she will choose to create the perception (for her planet anyway) that this disconnection is her idea, thus preserving her pride. Let her.

Let her. She hung up on you! That is a step of progress that should be celebrated. grin She believes she is punishing you, but you are not receiving punishment from her anymore-you have stepped away from that dynamic. Ok?

A little on my status:
My son graduated from high school Friday night. I did not invite my middle sister. I spent a sleepless night after the graduation because of the left over shame that I have been trained to feel if I did not do 'the right thing' according to the narc. It has been over 3 years since I've seen her-we've just had superficial contact for Christmas/birthday gifts and even more superficial thank you notes. I think it is time for even that to stop.
I am reading the highly recommended John Bradshaw books. I am into "Homecoming" and will read "Healing the Shame that Binds You" next...will need to drum up some courage, I think.

DrNortherner Sun 19-Jun-11 16:54:57

ContraryMartha that is such a good point. No, I can not imagine ever hanging up on my ds. I hope to God that I will always be delighted to hear from him, and to see him and will let him know that, and not sit in my armchair sulking for the first 30 mins like she does.

TeachMySelfBalance she does think she is punishing me doesn't she? She is expecting an apology from me. Well she won't get one.

Her own Mother, and 5 sisters barely visit her or phone her because she has such a nasty mouth. She has 1 friend, also a widow, who I also think is a Narc. Between them they play competive grief. She went shopping with her friend the other day, Mum has some gift vouchers I gave her for her birthday. She chose what she wanted and she had £5 left. My Mum said to her friend if she liked something for £5 she could have it. She then proceeded to slag her friend off for looking for something saying "she was determined to get something the greedy sod" hmm And all of this venom she spits is said in he most negative, awful tone. I dread ringing her because I know I will be drained by the end of it.

Katisha Sun 19-Jun-11 20:09:56

So don't ring.
So don't ring.
So don't ring.

Come on Dr N. THis time don't ring and don't waste mental energy stewing about it. I expect all this anguish about her has become such a part of your mental landscape that you find it hard to think about anything else. That really needs to change.

Please do look into the conselling some more, and take on TeachMyselfBalance's mantra.

DrNortherner Sun 19-Jun-11 20:19:36

Yes Katisha, I think about it all the time. And get that horrible feeling in my stomach when I think of her there, alone, sad and crying. But she paints that picture for me to make me feel like this. I can see this now.

I am not close to any of my aunts, even though I was especially close to one in particular till I was about 22 years old. My Mum would slag her off to me constantly, saying she was a snob, stuck up and a lousy mother to her 3 kids. She would tell my Dad lies, saying my Auntie said horrible things to her. If I would ever say that was not true she would sob and cry saying I was defending my aunty and not her. She cried if I called my aunt and told her stuff I hadn't told my Mum. Basically, she ruined our relationship and I feel sad about that. Interestingly, this was the Aunt who was there for my Mum the day my Dad died suddennly. She ferried her to appointments, help with arrangements and paperwork and was amazing in those horrible weeks after a death. Then she stopped visiting and calling as my Mother did not appreciate any of it. She did not deserve her help, but as my Aunt is a nice person, I think she did what she felt was her duty to help her sister, then stepped away. But of course my Mother does not see it like this.

Councelling is on my to do list. I promise.

mycatthinksshesatiger Sun 19-Jun-11 20:20:46

DrN I have often read your threads and get completely the whole narc mother, guilt, obligation thing, having one myself....and that awful, dragging, niggling feeling that whatever we do, we are always in the wrong, either we play along with it and diminish our sense of self in doing so, or we struggle against it, by asserting ourselves just a tiny bit, and end up feeling guilt that however hard we try to rationalise away, as an adult, is still there, niggling away, making us feel like a 4-year old threatened with abandonment if she doesn't tow the line....

But you know what? 4 years of therapy and I had a lightbulb moment the other day. I love my DC unconditionally. My mother has only ever gone through some semblance of love with conditions attached. I've realised there's no point in trying to understand it/fight it/process it all any more when it comes down to one essential difference between us.

Good luck whatever you decide to do in response - unfortunately if you phone her you will feel crap (you'll feel guilted and manipulated into phoning by your inner,critical voice, which I imagine is really her voice.....) and if you don't, you'll most likely have guilt eating away at you and she will pile the guilt on whenever you do speak. It's lose-lose in every situation with a narc parent sad. You need to listen to your own conscience in the end as nothing else is a reliable guide.

drivingmisscrazy Sun 19-Jun-11 20:29:27

I never realised that I had a narc mother until I started reading threads about it on MN. But she's a classic (even down to the pathology - emotionally neglected by her own mother which you can see in the photos of them, very striking).

Fear, guilt, self-loathing - I have the lot. It's only through my DP and seeing how her mother cares for and loves her children (she's not perfect, of course) that I've really understood what a shitty deal I've had.

DrNortherner Sun 19-Jun-11 20:32:35

mycatthinksshesatiger thanks for your kind words. Weirdly, it helps to know I am not being a heartless cow, and that others know what it is like, on a daily basis, dealing with a parent like this.

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