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Ok, so he turned into a bit of a dick....or was he one already ...

(23 Posts)
ginnyjeans Sat 18-Jun-11 09:56:53

Been seeing a (lovely - I thought he was!) bloke for the last two months. When we are together it's so lovely. He's really funny, a big talker, loves to cuddle. He's 41 and financially stable etc. etc. but a bit of a boy in some ways as in likes drinking with his mates, gambling. No kids so pretty much all about him up until now. But after the first two weeks he kept saying he didn't want to be in a relationship. So I said fine and we agreed to not see each other. That night bumped into him in town and it was all back on again. So we continued to see each other and he text/phoned all the time. Then he suggested meeting my daughter when the 3 of us were ready which freaked me out a bit as it started to sound serious too quickly and I said well maybe, but not now. About a week after that he phoned me one morning and his ex had been on the phone crying (He'd only been split from her about six weeks when we got together which worried me) and he said he thought we should cool things. He again said he didn't want to be in a relationship (ok that was pretty clear so what was I waiting for!!) but could he still text and I said no that would be confusing. That night he got in touch again and ended up coming round and we talked all night long. He really poured his heart out but kept telling me not to fall for him. He said it wasn't that he didn't want to see me, he just can't be in a relationship right now. He has too many loose ends and it's just wrong timing.

But from then on, Things were pretty much back on with him pursuing me and us seeing each other regularly and in contact by phone or text nearly every day. He even phoned me Wednesday for about 40 mins and we had such a laugh and I started to think things could go somewhere with him and imagining that. Then yesterday I get a text (by the way I was at a funeral, which he knew - so nice timing) to say he was out the night before and had met a girl, nothing happened but she seems nice and he wanted to let me know. Honesty.

I just text back to say go for it, have fun, sick of the see saw and by the way I won't be sleeping with you again. (the sex was pretty amazing). Sigh.

His reply was 'I'm sorry you feel that way. I did tell you I didn't want a relationship. But still - sorry'.

What a dick. As in not a nice way to end things. He doesn't want a relationship but he tells me he's met someone else. I think that's a final goodbye. And of course I think something happened with her. BTW My XH also told me about a woman to end things. I think it's their way of saying 'this is really over' So - I've deleted his number from my phone. If only I could forget his address!!!

He did tell me though. Still feel pretty pants. Not sure why I let it go on for so long.

molemesseskilledIpom Sat 18-Jun-11 10:02:19

Sounds as though he has always been a dick. Good luck with the next one x
Write this ine of as experiance and what to look out for next time.

madonnawhore Sat 18-Jun-11 10:04:16

What a bellend. If he didn't want a relationship then he shouldn't have been pursuing you so actively - especially after you'd already binned him once.

Mixed messages or what? He's full of shit and thinks that by saying he doesn't want a relationship he can piss around with your emotions and then turn around and say, "well I did warn you".

True, you are probably kicking yourself for letting it carry on so long, but at least you have realised what a damaged twat he is now. Don't go back for any more!

BluddyMoFo Sat 18-Jun-11 10:04:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaxSchreck Sat 18-Jun-11 10:05:23

Nah, he was always a dickweed.
He just hid it until he got you in the right place to start playing you.

You have had a lucky escape from weeks, months, years of game playing.

Have a cup of tea and toast yourself!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Sat 18-Jun-11 10:10:28

One thing I have learnt from this board is when a man tells you what he is like believe him!

I'm sorry you are hurting but your op seems to be making out he did all this running and you were hopeless to resist. Why did you keep taking him back and letting things slide along?

ginnyjeans Sat 18-Jun-11 10:15:10

Lovebeingabletonamechange - I don't know! I enjoyed his company (he is really funny). And the sex was amazing. I wasn't hopeless to resist, I guess I just wanted it to continue. I also kind of felt he wasn't right for me but was maybe hoping he would be! Thought it was all on my terms because I didn't feel my heart was involved but was upset to get his text yesterday. Is that crazy!! Yes. yes! I wish he had been the right guy as it was so easy with him. But he's totally not. Still - I feel really FLAT today! But that's it for me now. If he texts me again, I'm just going to ignore.

atswimtwolengths Sat 18-Jun-11 13:38:01

He's the sort of man you should have met on a holiday and had a great time with then not exchanged numbers.

My nerves were jangling at him telling you not to fall for him - I would have said 'Oh christ, don't worry about that!'

waterrat Sat 18-Jun-11 14:24:21

he didn't hide it - it was clearly there to see all along. I know it's so hard, when you really want something to be right -and of course are enjoying the sex and attention - to actually pay attention to alarm bells and your own instinct.

But - firstly - believe what people tell you. He told you clearly what he was up to and his behaviour was clearly that of an unreliable man. ALso - being all over you, wanting to meet your daughter, then the next minute not interested - AVOID AVOID!

There is a very good thread on here about red flags. read it. And dont feel down - the one thing you have to remembe is this is not personal. Its not about you - this is just who is he is - his character. Be tough next time you meet someone, dont stand for any crap from the start - and have faith in what you are really looking for. no second best xx

buzzsore Sat 18-Jun-11 15:13:18

I recommend you block his number and set his email address as junk, as it seems to me you're half-hoping he will text again, and then you'll be back on the merry-go-round. Take control by stopping him being able to contact you easily.

And put it down to experience and pass on. He was an arse, and a conceited arse at that ('don't fall for me!' pah!).

Pancakeflipper Sat 18-Jun-11 15:19:42

He's a player. Clap your hands with delight you have only wasted a few months of emotional energy on this guy. Next time you bump into him you smile nicely but keep him at a firm distance. He did tell you and he'll use that as an excuse for his fooling around..

Icelollycraving Sun 19-Jun-11 00:42:36

Bet you anything you will hear from him again. He clearly loves a bit of a fling. When a man says they do not want a relationship,it is generally not a hidden meaning. He wants a fuck buddy/friends with benefits whatever you want to call it,but one who is a little bit in love with him who he can be fun & witty with but will feel his conscience is clear when someone else takes his fancy.
Steer well clear when you get the booty call!

'I don't want a relationship' generally means 'I don't want monogamy but I am too much of a mundane wuss to actually admit that and be upfront about it.'

WibblyBibble Sun 19-Jun-11 07:34:35

He's an idiot. Why the fuck would he suggest meeting your daughter if he "didn't want a relationship"? I'd consider yourself well off without him tbh.

BalloonSlayer Sun 19-Jun-11 08:39:04

"He really poured his heart out but kept telling me not to fall for him."

- yup, he was one already.

He was a dick from the start. You've had a lucky escape.

Trestired Sun 19-Jun-11 09:03:20

What a tosser. 'Love me! Love me!' he cries so he can feel important and powerful by saying he doesn't want a relationship and turning you down.

Fluffycloudland77 Sun 19-Jun-11 12:27:26

Sex is usually fab at the beginning anyway, it'll be fab with the next chap.

My friend went out with a man who did this, moved to austrailia broke her heart! 4 years wasted. Lucky escape, that's what you had

hurryup Sun 19-Jun-11 21:19:30

Absolute twat, just like the man I had a rebound relationship with. In fact, they could be the same man. Some men are like this, not your fault but sorry you've had to endure him. At least you didn't wast too long with him. Be kind to yourself and move on.

penandpaper Sun 19-Jun-11 21:37:37

Sounds like he could be my XP!! Well out of it. I should have listened instead of wasting 4 years of my life, still plays mind games even now. Fingers crossed you're not pregnant after the amazing sex!!!

WhoAteMySnickers Sun 19-Jun-11 21:45:23

He didn't want a relationship and told you that. He wanted a fuck buddy. Now he's met a girl that he quite likes, and told you so that you can still be his fuck on the side and he can say he never led you on. Chalk it up to experience and next time a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, listen and believe it.

madonnawhore Sun 19-Jun-11 21:51:19

Snickers is right. IME, whenever a man has said he doesn't want a relationship, it doesn't mean, "I didn't think I wanted a relationship but would change my mind for you because you're awesome"; it means he REALLY doesn't want a relationship.

ginnyjeans Sun 19-Jun-11 23:23:48

penandpaper - I've got everything crossed here!! Please no!

So actually - Am quite intent on forgetting about him. I was doubtful he was the one for me anyway (until last week funnily enough) but was just enjoying the attention I guess. His lifestyle does not match with mine. But we could chat all night. The last time I saw him he told me he absolutely loved seeing me and loved coming round even if there was no sex involved. He's pretty much all over the place really. Oh, BTW, when he said 'don't fall for me' I said 'why? Do you think I have?'!! Also thought it was pretty odd. He said 'I don't know - you tell me'. He asked me a few times, almost like he wanted that to be the case. I think I held myself back emotionally because of the on/off situation and told him I hadn't but that I did care about him. But now it's officially over - I can see it's the right thing. It's actually probably a good thing he turned out to be such a knob ending it the way he did - as I'm wondering how long I would have let it continue!!

As for the fuck buddy - he actually told me he didn't want one of those quite early on! But I guess actions speak louder than words. But I definitely won't be sleeping with him again. And if he's met someone better than me - he can go for it. I don't want to be anybody's second best.

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