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When your husband told you about his affair how did you react?

(76 Posts)
Utterlydistraught Fri 17-Jun-11 23:58:59

I have a suspicion that my husband is going to make a revelation tomorrow...

QueeferSutherland Sat 18-Jun-11 00:02:15

Why so?

I'd head him off at the pass, so to speak. Let him know you're on to him.

TBH, I'd probably vomit.

peeriebear Sat 18-Jun-11 00:06:26

My DH had a serious EA and confessed, and said he was thinking of leaving to be with her. I shut him off emotionally and told him exactly what he would be giving up- everything we have, everything he'd worked towards, all our memories would be broken up and never the same. I told him I wouldn't fight for him as I was worth more than that.
He pretty much immediately saw what a horrible stupid ass he was being, was abject with remorse and assumed I would give him the boot. We worked through everything and he is still here, in fact now he is a lot more attentive and careful to tell me where he's going, who with etc.
Why do you think he is?

Utterlydistraught Sat 18-Jun-11 00:12:39

We've been having problems for a long time (mainly my fault - depressed, angry, unloving). In the last six weeks he's told me he no longer loves me and doesn't see a future together, but he hasn't ended it yet, saying that perhaps his feelings for me will come back. He persuaded me to go home and visit my parents with the children (we live outside the UK, in his country) saying that perhaps the break will be what it takes to fix it. I have wondered if he said that to get me out of his hair so that he could let me down over the phone. He texted me tonight saying he wants to speak tomorrow, and I've just seen something slightly incriminating on his facebook page. Think I'm going to vomit.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 18-Jun-11 08:56:43

Prompted by WWIFN on here I did some digging around after H told me he didn't love me anymore. I found a dodgy FB message in my H's email inbox, and from looking at his internet history, he was I discovered he has set up a secret credit card account and secret hotmail account.

I felt sick and very shaky. When he got home, I simply confronted him with the evidence and asked him for passwords to all of his accounts. He refused and denied before finally confessing. My first reaction was to ask him to pack his bags but then he broke down and started to tell me what happened, answered my questions etc. As by then the bubble has burst and reality hit him, H realised that he loved me after all and that what he had with the OW was fuelled by secrecy and ego stoking.

I was totally traumatised and could not sleep or eat and felt unable to make any decisions for some time.

HerHissyness Sat 18-Jun-11 09:26:54

Take control, call him up and ASK him about the FB stuff. If he is dumb enough to flaunt his indiscretions on FB, he deserves no kid glove treatment.

Why should YOU spend the day in knots?

Utterlydistraught Sat 18-Jun-11 10:07:07

I have tried calling him an hour ago - no answer. Tried calling him again just now - no answer. He is never without his phone, it is glued to his ear.

Aislingorla Sat 18-Jun-11 10:12:39

Have you somebody with you?
Stay calm!
Listen to peeribear's advice (not dismissing anyone elses) if he says he's leaving, telling him what he'll be giving up (for someone he's only known a short time?) might 'burst the bubble'

HerHissyness Sat 18-Jun-11 10:14:15

Ok then, stuff him, get on with your day. whatever it is he wants to tell you, you can do nothing about. You tried, now make HIM do the leg work.

But, I'd be making a 'WTF is this???' comment on his incriminating FB entry for sure.

The truth - however hard it is to swallow - is better than living in denial. Trust me. Let us know how we can help you? hand holding etc.

Stay strong, you can and will get through this, whatever it is.

HerHissyness Sat 18-Jun-11 10:16:08

peeribear's advice is worth a shot. nothing ventured, nothing gained eh?

Good luck love, thinking of you.

malibustac Sat 18-Jun-11 10:21:53

Do you have his login details? I would be snooping. Thinking of you

Utterlydistraught Sat 18-Jun-11 10:39:25

Yes, I'm staying at my parents, ostensibly for the summer. Due to him recently saying that he no longer loved me I did remind him of the life we would be giving up etc, but it doesn't seem to matter. I don't know what to say to him if he tells me today that he's seeing someone. I'd been okay for the last couple of days (denial I suppose, it's easy to pretend everything is normal when I'm at my parents and not living in the situation with him everyday), but the comment on facebook last night (from the OW) has thrown me back into despair. I don't know how I will ever get over this, I really wanted to work things out.

Utterlydistraught Sat 18-Jun-11 10:41:28

I feel angry too. I've been jumping through hoops for him over the last month since he said he didn't love me.

Wisedupwoman Sat 18-Jun-11 11:35:13

The first OW - went raving fucking mad at him, he got rid and we (well I) worked at it for a while as he picked up with her again and then started:

Second OW - got the evidence, some of which came to me by way of a lovely anonymous letter - and then told him to fuck off. Now implementing the no contact rule To The Letter. Life is better, but obviously still hurts.

Are you ok ? What do you need?

Aislingorla Sat 18-Jun-11 11:40:54

What was the comment on fb?

Utterlydistraught Sat 18-Jun-11 11:53:25

He had 'checked in' at his friend's house saying he was wining and dining. The suspected OW had written: Good. Hope you have some good company with you ;)

It's the wink at the end. The fucking wink.

Been trying to call once an hour. Still not picking up. He said he wanted to speak to our son today, and me.

clam Sat 18-Jun-11 11:58:06

So sorry to hear this. How old is your DS?

Utterlydistraught Sat 18-Jun-11 11:59:39

He's 4. We also have an 18 month old daughter. Tried phoning again, no answer. Have texted him asking if there is some reason he is not picking up and to please call DS asap.

Utterlydistraught Sat 18-Jun-11 12:00:09

Why doesn't the fucker just fucking tell me?

Aislingorla Sat 18-Jun-11 12:02:33

Cruel and cowardly!
Go for a walk, get some fresh air and leave your phone at your parents, just for a bit and then you'll think clearly.
Good luck.

Jajas Sat 18-Jun-11 12:03:59

Oh poor you how awful sad. Thinking of you and hoping that you get to speak to him soon xx

M0naLisa Sat 18-Jun-11 12:06:52

Just send him a message saying

'what was it you wanted to talk about? i am not here to play games i am here with my parents so we can sort things out, Was it good company you was with last night ;)'

But i am impatient and i like to twist things. Wehn DH was having an EA with my friend and i found out, i played games with him and then he realised i knew.

Utterlydistraught Sat 18-Jun-11 12:10:34

I'm thinking of phoning his mother to find out if she knows. She and I have had rather a rocky relationship (she's always disapproved of me).

M0naLisa Sat 18-Jun-11 12:14:41

sad Why?

Is he at home? Have you called the home phone?

statueofliberty Sat 18-Jun-11 12:17:09

He's being a coward that's why wont tell you. Concentrate on being the great mum you are gives kids big cuddles and play with them.the three of you are the important one's at the minute.thinking loads xxx

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