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Women Who Love Too Much VS Why Does He Do That?

(20 Posts)
SirSugar Fri 17-Jun-11 20:41:27

St Lundy is highly recommended on the forum a lot, but it is still the woman attempting to understand the man, reverse the psychology and maybe it would be wiser to understand ourselves first

garlicnutter Fri 17-Jun-11 21:04:43

Both. If only one, then Lundy. Reason being: Lundy gets why She Does That, but Robin doesn't cover the problem of recognising abuse. Incidentally, WDHDT isn't about 'understanding' the men who do it - it's about understanding what's happened to you.

humptydidit Fri 17-Jun-11 21:31:01

As a first stop I would say Lundy. It tells you what you need to know to recognise your sitution and to help you have the strenght to get out... Anything else can wait till later

SingOut Fri 17-Jun-11 21:34:17

Yes, quite. Lundy as an immediate remedy, then later at your leisure, other books can help you to avoid making the same mistake again.

HerHissyness Fri 17-Jun-11 21:48:42

SirSugar, have you not read Lundy? shock

I can whole heartedly recommend it. I read it after X had left, and it really DID help me understand what had happened to me. it forgave me and gave me my power back. IYKWIM.

Trestired Fri 17-Jun-11 21:48:54

Can anyone answer why he DOES do that?

Does anyone know...

Why does it take so long to realise that you are being abused?

When you realise it is happening, why do you let it continue?

confused

Why he does it - power and control

Why does it take so long to realise - because he isolates you from friends and family and you have to live his normal and with his warped sense of reality

Why do you let it continue - because he has made you think you are a nutter, worthless and a piece of shit and he is the best thing in your life. And for the sake of your kids, because you don't want to break up their family.

Trestired Fri 17-Jun-11 21:54:38

sad

God knows what I am going to do.

Bastards. Can't believe there are so many of them.

HerHissyness Fri 17-Jun-11 22:01:50

Because he has a distorted sense of entitlement to do so.

If you ask him not to treat you badly, if he agrees, he will see it as giving up a right, giving in and being weak.

The more he controls his 'woman' the better he is as a man.

It starts very, very subtly. with a hmm a look, a silence. a not so enthusiastic reaction. Then come the comments, light at first, little suggestions, then it gets stronger and stronger and stronger. teamed with the removal of you from your support network; all your friends are crap friends, they don't really like you, he'll cause problems with them, and your family too. He'll discount their opinions, make you see them as adversaries, not friends/family. Eventually his bonkers way of things, his skewed view, becomes the norm and you don't see it as mad anymore. Any time you question it, he'll gas light you back into line. "Of course that is not what I said, you ffing idiot.... " so you think OK, may be I did mishear...

All he needs in life is YOU, why do you not need only him?
If you don't please him he'll dump you, and who else would ever take you on with all your many faults

So you have kids, cos otherwise you'll miss your chance (see above), or he'll threaten to leave you if you don't.

That keeps you busy, and where he needs you, but the control continues, he carries on pushing and pushing you, testing you more and more and more, all the while making you terrified of being on your own.

The kids need a father, how can you do this to them?

That's kind of how it happens, it takes years though.

HerHissyness Fri 17-Jun-11 22:03:43

Why do you let it happen, because you are too scared to do anything about it, and sometimes you can't even see that something IS seriously wrong.

Why Does He Do That is a great leveller. Trestired, if you are in this kind of situation, we can help, Woman's Aid can help, books can help.

You can get out, and you will. You will be free, you will be happy. i promise, you just have to be a bit brave.

Trestired Fri 17-Jun-11 22:16:09

I left a few weeks ago. But we have a little baby. He talked me into lying and telling my family that he was staying at his mothers...so I came back.My family are hearttbroken that I have come back. I was stuck between running away from my career and my life with no money or job etc or sticking it out until I get some money together so I can do things properly. The worse thing is, I saved my 'run-away' money, ad because he stopped being an arsehole for a while I bought HIM driving lessons. What a fool.

The problem for me is, my sense of judgement has been completely knocked. I know what he does is bad, but how bad is it? Don't want to look like I'm making something out of nothing.

I can't believe so many women are going through this. Domestic violence/abuse doesn't look like I thought it would.

nomedoit Fri 17-Jun-11 22:42:29

You are NOT making something out of nothing.

Stop beating yourself up. You are further on - you have realized more and more and you have a plan. You will get there but it is a process.

Could you not stay with your family?

humptydidit Fri 17-Jun-11 22:45:23

trestired that's exactly why there is so much of it about and it carries on. I thought that DV only happened when people wakled around with black eyes all the time with a H who was a total tyrant for all to see...

Sadly taht's not the case. Don't worry about going back, you did it once so you can do it again. Be strong until the time is right.

Next time you leave, walk out the door and snap your sim card and get a new number. That's what I did when I left for good. That way he can't contact you and it makes it soooooooooo much easier.

Stay strong

x

Trestired Fri 17-Jun-11 23:17:04

Thank you so much.

I could have stayed with family...but I am too stubborn and proud to throw away everything I have worked for to sleep on my sisters sofa with a newborn. She has her family too and i didn't think it was fair on them to be there indefinitely.

It's taken me a long time to see what is happening...and of course feel stupid because those people who love me have either told me (family) or when I say something that I think is completely normal, they have a puzzled look in their eyes (friends).

Well I for one am out of excuses, out of ideas of how to change him, bored of begging to be respected and loved. I know what he is doing and he is starting to know that I know... He is sensing that something is different. Already a change in his attitude...but I know this... there is a line, and if you hurt someone so much, there is no going back.

I just wish I'd listened to the people who had warned me.

Thanks again. I best buy that bloody book then hadn't I?x

serajen Sat 18-Jun-11 00:04:22

honestly believe some people, male and female, have limited emotional range, I feel from A-Z with all that entails, i think we're all wired differently and, in simple terms that I can understand, some may only feel H-P, if you see what I mean. Always felt so raw that everything hits me, I have no filter system so it all hurts, as if nervous system constructed on outside of body instead of inside, but know some people who seem to have such limited range of feeling and empathy, you know that old saying "if ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?" and I do truly believe that many are ignorant to their own feelings/actions and the affect (effect?) they have on others, wish I could develop a thicker skin but it's never going to happen, so have to live with it

garlicnutter Sat 18-Jun-11 06:08:36

Serajen: Always felt so raw that everything hits me, I have no filter system so it all hurts, as if nervous system constructed on outside of body instead of inside

I felt like this for years. I was being remorselessly bullied by my boss at work an my husband at home. Due to the processes Hissy outlined above, I believed there was something wrong with me.

What you've written is another way of saying "too sensitive". That's what the bullies say when you try to pull them up on some cruelty or other; they try to make it be your fault.

If somebody was being beaten up, and their attacker kept telling them to shut up, it doesn't hurt (thwack!), they're too sensitive (thwack!), it would be obvious the attacker was insane, wouldn't it? It is the same with emotional & psychological injury.

Anybody who cares for you would be more considerate of your feelings, not blame you for feeling hurt.

Wrt to your last sentence: no, you don't have to live with pain.

garlicnutter Sat 18-Jun-11 06:10:49

I wasn't sure whether to add - There are some disorders that disrupt your emotional filter system. It is possible to get help with those. But first, second and third, you should not be in an environment that keeps hurting you.

Patienceobtainsallthings Sat 18-Jun-11 20:08:54

I always thought I was super sensitive ,turns out im not.have improved my self esteem ,self love since leaving abusive marriage 18ths ago.books I read were the lundy book,co dependent no more melody beattie,woman that love too much robin norwood ,the home coming john bradshaw.Just helped to change my sense of self worth x

garlicnutter Sat 18-Jun-11 22:13:43

Those are all rock-solid books, Patience smile How did you get on with Homecoming, was it hard? (I needed 2 boosts from counsellor - you'll probably know which points!)

FreudianSlipper Sat 18-Jun-11 22:42:52

i think for a women in an abusive relationship Lundy's book is much better. First you need to get out safely then look back and try to understand so you can move on and not fall into the same traps again

and not all women in abusive relationships are needy, desperate to be in a relationship, not all go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship or grew up in an abusive household its not about the women and her needs its about him and his need to control that creates an abusive relationship

i have had to use studies on dv used for research on my course that have been done within 5 years because attitudes are changing so much, research has the understanding of abusive relationships has changed drastically in teh last 10 years

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