feel so miserable

[emilie89]

bit of background here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1204901-dont-know-how-to-help-OH .

"D"P and I have had a rough time of it over the last year and he is often very distant and depressed. I tried to be supportive but I often get frustrated especially when he uses it as an excuse for not being emotionally available for me and our son.

We had an argument last night after he decided he did not want to attend a private view of work by some friends of ours (mainly my friends). I was upset because he had been enthusiastic about it the night before and yesterday morning and I really wanted to go because it's not often I get to see these friends due to being busy with DS etc etc. I then asked him if he would look after DS so I could go alone, he said no. This really upset me because he has a lot of freedom to do what he likes (we don't live together and he often spends nights at his house instead of with me and DS), he sees friends, goes out all night and spends a lot of time working at home on things he enjoys (music). He told me that his therapist told him he needed to be more social, which is fair enough but I guess I feel some resentment about it. Also he only "doesn't feel like going out and socializing" when it is with my friends or doing something that I want to do. Last night after I got upset he said he would just come anyway but he has done this before and he makes it pretty obvious that he does not want to be there. A few weeks ago he came to a friend's birthday party with me and was so rude that in the end we just left because I was so embarrassed. So I did not go out last night and he did not come round and help with DS even though he knew I was upset and feeling crap about our relationship.

Then this morning I had asked him to come round at about 10.30/11 because I am currently undergoing some serious dental treatment and needed to be at the dentists by 11.30. He lives 15 minutes away. He turned up at 11.20 and then pulled a face when I said I hadn't had a chance to sterilize any bottles for DS as I had been trying to get ready/entertain DS/pump like crazy so he could be fed while i was out. He is just useless.

He has now gone out again to have lunch with a friend, leaving me with a big swollen cheek and painful teeth and said he will call me later. Whatever. I am sick of him and he is making me feel increasingly miserable and isolated. He acts as if he doesn't want to spend any time with me and DS anyway and sees it as some kind of chore. I feel very distant from him. I don't know what to do, I don't want us to split up as I want him around for DS and when it's good we get on so well and I do enjoy his company. I know a lot of his behaviour is caused by what happened with his ex and he is deeply affected by it but I just don't know if I can deal with him anymore, but that is so selfish. I don't know if there's anything anyone can say, I just wanted to offload.

Aaaarrrgh! Now I've just been startled by a massive bang in the kitchen and it appears he had left a can of lemonade in the freezer (?!) and it has exploded. He is such a numbskull!!!!!

[emilie89]

forgot to add he also has NO money at the moment so I am paying for everything for DS and for him! I've told him to get a job and ask his parents for some money to tide him over but he wont because "they'll be really pissed off". No wonder!! If my DS comes to me when he is 25 asking for money because he is too lazy/incompetent to support himself and his child, I would be pretty pissed off!!!

[Renaissance227]

You need to be very strong and move on from this using, idiot who is totally taking you for granted because you are letting him. Let him see his child at arranged times and get him out of your life. I know it won't be easy but move on because deserve so much better. Good luck with everything x

[emilie89]

Renaissance- Did you read my former post about what had happened with his ex? I do feel that he is an idiot and he is taking us for granted/treating me badly but I just feel so guilty after everything that happened. I want to help him but I am getting sick of his behaviour.

[Renaissance227]

Just read your former post and it does make it more complicated but your cannot spend the rest of your life being taken for granted and feeling guilty just because of his ex.
You deserve better.
However, maybe you should talk to him properly about how you are feeling. Maybe he is being such an arse because the guilt is getting to him and he doesn't want to upset you by bringing it up again? Either way you need to talk and take things from there. Just don't be used by him. His ex is in no way his or your fault. x

[buzzsore]

In all honesty, I think you should withdraw. While you're being his safety net, he doesn't have to get a grip. You need & deserve more than he can offer you at the moment. Tell him to get himself sorted and maybe maybe you can make a go of it then, but don't wait around, move on with your life.

[MilkandWine]

Emilie I have just read your previous thread and I have every sympathy for what you and your partner have been through.

But no matter how bad a time your DP has been through it does not give him a get out of jail free card for acting like a complete and total c**k. I'm sorry but his behaviour towards you is appalling and my jaw almost hit the floor when you mentioned his comment about his therapist telling him to go out and socialise. I can't believe he would dare use something he has been told in a completely different context as an excuse for ducking his responsibilities towards you and your son.

You say you do not want to split up but quite frankly what relationship do you have now? He doesn't want to go out with you, socialise with you or your friends and worst of all her doesn't want to spend time with his own child!!!

The suicide of his ex girlfriend does not give him an excuse for treating you and his son with total indifference. You are not being 'selfish' when you say you cannot cope anymore, you are young and you have a new baby to look after. You have every right to expect to be helped and supported by your partner. There IS a selfish person in your relationship but it most certainly isin't you!.

You seem to think that your partner is too grief stricken still to be a decent father and partner. The cynical part of me can't help thinking he is using his emotional upset as an EXCUSE for not being there for you. Using his counsellors words as an excuse for going out and pissing it up with his mates is a low down trick IMHO.

Another cynical part of me can't help but wonder what contribution your DP made to his poor ex girlfriends mental health problems. Did he treat her with a similar lack or regard and care?

You sound a really intellegent and lovely person, I would urge you to think of yourself and your son and stop trying to throw your energy into healing your DPs life, only he can do that, it is NOT your responsibility to do it for him.

[MilkandWine]

Sorry just realised that last post might have implied I am blaming your DP for his exs suicide. I am in NO WAY wanting to imply that. All I mean that if the girl was in such a poor mental state it could well have been due to relationship problems with your ex. I had an ex a few years ago that made me consider sucide on many an occasion, I just fortunately never went though with it.
Just wanted to make that clear unless you got the wrong idea of what I was trying to say.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Emilie, from what you say you are:

• raising his child
  
• pulling the entire financial load
  
• receiving callous indifference from him, and some guilt-tripping
  
• letting him off the hook because of the emotial trauma he experienced.
  

You have experienced much trauma yourself (your own father's suicide, I'm so sorry for you; witnessing the ex-girfriend's scene of death; the resulting guilt over her death; unexpected pregnancy and young motherhood;...). Yet you are not using that as an excuse to duck your responsibilities towards your son or to treat your boyfriend like shit.

Why are you letting him off the hook? Are you waiting around being full of care for him in the hopes that he'll treat you right some day?

[emilie89]

buzzsore- I see what you mean about being a safety net. I convinced myself that was what he saw me as before when I threatened to end the relationship if things didn't improve. He gets very upset and panicky when we talk about splitting and I guessed it was because he thinks he wouldn't cope, I asked him if this was the case and he said it wasn't, he was just scared of losing me and DS. To be honest, I think there is some element of fear at being left to cope on his own/look after himself.

Milk- I often think that he is using what happened as an excuse for being lazy/emotionally unavailable/generally useless. I try to convince myself that that isn't true though as that would make him pretty gross. Also he was a bit like this before.

Obviously DP is not responsible for the suicide of his friend but I know that their relationship with difficult and yes he was uncaring to her at times. He is horrendously guilty about it now, obviously and I really think that he will never get over it. However, he was just a blip in her mental health and she had been unwell for years, even before they met.

I just feel like I have cocked everything up, I feel bad for my DS that he was born into a relationship that is unlikely to survive his 1st birthday. I grew up without my father around and I really wanted DS to have a proper family unit. Also, DP is lovely with DS and they really love each other. I guess I am also scared of being on my own, even though I know I could cope.

I am going to try and have a serious talk with DP tonight about the state of our relationship and how I am feeling, without getting too upset or angry but I find so hard to talk these things through and things often just get swept under the carpet. He gets so upset and anxious too.

It has to be done though, I think maybe he doesn't realize how miserable I am.

[HerHissyness]

"I know a lot of his behaviour is caused by what happened with his ex and he is deeply affected by it"

Bollocks. utter bollocks.

He is using it as an excuse. There IS no excuse for someone to continuously let another person down, treat them with such callous indifference, be totally insensitive of your needs and refuse to help you in any manner or form.

You need to distance yourself from him, you can't help him, he doesn't want to be helped, he is getting far too much mileage out of not being helped, it's giving him permission to be generally crap as far as his DS and you are concerned.

You need to raise the bar on who you allow into your life. He is not good enough for you. He will suck the life out of you if you let him.

[HerHissyness]

DON'T EVER SUBJECT YOURSELF OR YOUR CHILD TO A RELATIONSHIP THAT NEEDS TO END, just because you want a father figure in his life. You want your DS to grow up like his dad, indifferent, cold, uncaring and unreliable?

Get rid of this idiot and you will find a decent one.

[HerHissyness]

Sorry to harp on, but don't you wonder if his last girlfriend had that chat with him too? Doesn't it cross your mind that perhaps he didn't care know how miserable SHE was? He has even admitted that he didn't care for her well enough at times in bloke-speak that is HUGE!

It means that he was out and out cruel to her, and you know that.

He is getting anxious and upset to keep you where he wants you: waiting on him.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

I grew up without my father around and I really wanted DS to have a proper family unit.
I guess I am also scared of being on my own, even though I know I could cope.

From the above, you sound like you have very clear insight.

Good luck tonight.

[emilie89]

HerHiss- He was aware of how miserable she was and he tried his best to help her through various interventions. He definitely cared and I am certain he did his best without totally surrendering his life to her. Again, he was not responsible either for her mental state or death. I know that he did all that he was able to do at the time and obviously he wishes he had done more but to be honest, it would have made no difference. She was seriously ill.

To be honest, you are right that it's bollocks that his behaviour is caused by what happened. He behaved like this before, but it has definitely got worse as he is now so preoccupied and haunted by what happened. I can see it in his face and he can't sleep at night.

[Hullygully]

him = arse arse arse arse

you = mug mug mug mug

[HerHissyness]

But you know all of that because that is HIM telling you. I don't buy any of it.

his behaviour now with you indicates that he was probably stand offish at the very least with her, otherwise why all that guilt?

If he did all he could for her (which I doubt) and she killed herself, why then be sooo totally cold, shit and off with you? why is he not doing more with YOU the mother of his son?

You can't heal him, you can't fix him, he has far too much invested in being miseable and broken. If he got fixed, he'd have to pull his own weight in life.

Never going to happen. He is a Write Off. Sorry, but he is.

[HerHissyness]

a few spellos there, sorry!

[suburbophobe]

"he was uncaring to her at times. He is horrendously guilty about it now"

But what lessons did he learn from that? If he is treating you the way he is, none.

I agree with the others that this man is dragging you down (as well as giving a terrible example to his son), and using the blah about his parents as an excuse for financially abusing you.
Why is he making you responsible for his financial ineptitude? (and why do you feel it?). Please don't enable it! By doing so you are giving him the o.k. to not take his own responsibility in life.
Better off putting that money into a savings account for your son!

I'm appalled at his treatment of you, which actually reminds me of how I could've ended up if I hadn't become a single parent - which is so much more relaxing than having some man-child in the house!!

Anyway, seems like you already are a lone parent - with 2! (1 a stroppy teenager).

[suburbophobe]

P.s. big hugs to you for all you've been through......

[suburbophobe]

A few weeks ago he came to a friend's birthday party with me and was so rude that in the end we just left because I was so embarrassed.

This should be a huge red flag to you!

So I did not go out last night

Next time, bypass his ambivalence and organise a sitter, go out and have fun! Enjoy passing time with your friends, instead of sitting frustrated at home....

By being miserable (thread title), you are doing your son no favours. Better to show him as he's growing up that his mum is a strong independent woman who makes healthy decisions about her life for the best of all concerned, something he will later look for in a partner himself.

[emilie89]

I abandoned this thread because the conversation was being taken over by issues I didn't want to discuss and that weren't (in my opinion) relevant to what I originally posted about.

I talked to my "D"P about what I discussed here and he was very defensive and anxious by me saying that if things didn't improve then I would end the relationship. So we talked really openly about how we could BOTH make things better and decided to see how the next couple of weeks worked out. MORE FOOL ME!

We had a nice few days, where we went as a family to see the exhibition that had originally caused all the drama. We also left DS with my mother for a few hours and spent the day doing things that we both enjoy, etc etc. It was really nice and those few days did actually put my faith back in our relationship. However, I then became ill and DS was due to go to baby clinic for his BCG vaccination. "D"P said that he would take him, so I told him what time and where it had to be. I set an alarm on my phone to give them an hour to get ready and arrive on time, however "D"P "didn't hear" the alarm the 1st few times it went off so at 8.50 (at which point they had 40 minutes to get ready etc) I woke DP up and told him that he had to get up. I fell back asleep and then woke up at 9.15 to find DP and DS still fast asleep. I shouted at DP to get up and dress DS quickly and leave so that they did not miss the appointment, but DP just lay there with his piggy eyes half open. I then got DS dressed and got ready myself to take him (even though I felt horrendous). DP sat up in bed 3 minutes before they were due to leave and told me that he would take DS. I told him it was too late and that I was sick of him etc etc. He proceeded to shout a load of ridiculous excuses/lies at me, " I didn't hear your alarm", "You didn't wake me at 8.50, you only woke me at 9.15" and so on. When I asked him why he hadn't set his own alarm he said "Well I asked you if I should do that last night but you didn't reply!". Well, that's bullshit, I don't remember him asking me that, and WTF does he need to ask me that for?? I told him he was pathetic and how dare he blame me for not taking responsibility for him getting out of bed! I was so angry and disgusted at him but I was actually laughing, just because it was so pathetic!

Anyway, I decided that I couldn't take anymore of his crap. I basically do everything myself, so I know I can, what is the point of the added stress of somebody continuously letting me down and giving me false hope that they mighty actually help out?? I told him all of this and he just cried and told me that he will have to move home and asked if I will bring DS to see him!!! I said no, if he can't be bothered to stay in London and get a job so he can see DS, then I cannot be bothered to take the 2 hour journey with DS to visit him at his parents house.

So I am officially a single mum, I feel so sad and that I have failed my DS so much. Not so much because my relationship with his dad has turned to shit but because I have lumped him with such a useless twat for a father :(. The thing that pushed me to end it is that I realised that he was going to continue letting me down but also as DS gets older he will let him down more and more and that makes me so sad.

I don't know how I will cope, I need to move house at the end of the summer and DP and I were going to live together. I don't know how I will afford a place on my own. I was also meant to be going back to university to finish off my degree but I don't know if I will be able to manage that now without DP around.

My mum is coming round later to see DS so I will talk through it with her but to be honest she is pretty rubbish at this sort of thing. She just sits on the fence and loves to see things from the other persons' perspective, which is obviously good some of the time but not in this situation. I just want sympathy!

Sorry this is so long but it's good to vent.

[HerHissyness]

Oh love, I am so sorry!

Please don't beat yourself up. You have not failed your DS. Your DP has.

Remember that. he had all the opportunities to shape up, but he didn't. He is selfish, childish and a waster. You literally could not be better off by getting rid of him!

Being a single parent is easier than being with a 'useless twat' like that, seriously. Useless twats need clearing up after, feeding, make dust and use up the air around them.

Take it steady, you will find a way to make everything work.

(((HUGS)))

You will start to feel better soon, I promise!

[Renaissance227]

Well done honey. I KNOW it was hard and will continue to be hard for quite a while, BUT please remember that you did the right thing and you and your DS will be so much better off in the future because of this.
Yes, he is lumped to a useless tw*t of a dad but he will still have a great and loving mum to help him through life and be there for him.
You are very brave and just remember that it WILL get better from here on.
Biggest hugs.

[emilie89]

Thank you for the support. I am worried that I might weaken and ask him over, even just to help out! He does actually help out with day to day things, he makes dinner every night while I bath DS and he changes him etc. Tbh though, when he is doing these very simple tasks there is often a call of "where is this?, how do i do this?, am i doing this right?!", he even makes me check DS's nappy after he's changed him just to make sure it's on properly!! He really is like a child.

He's probably pretty pleased that he can now go home to his mummy. I suspected he was waiting for me to give my permission for him to do that anyway, while he's had no money. He loves being at home because his mum buys him lots of nice food and he can just sit around all day on his computer.

I feel like I have no-one to talk to though as most of my friends are in the early 20s and I feel awkward talking to them about things like this. I guess I feel they "wont understand"

[Renaissance227]

You need to be strong. You can make dinner etc yourself. You just need to get into your own routine. Would it really be worth having him around again just so he could do a few little jobs for you?
I think you just need to try it totally on your own for a little while to see how you can do it yourself and how much better you will be without what sounds like a big, useless teenager in your life.
You could try talking to your friends about this. You may be surprised in how understanding they can be.
PLEASE be strong.