not 'just friends' - by shirley glass

[keelybooboo]

this book arrived this morning from amazon. can't believe i've suffered through the last 3 months feeling like i'm insane!

so happy i've got the book now - wish i'd taken the recommendation so much sooner!

after a couple of hours of reading i actually feel positive about my future with my dh,

if you are in the early stages of recovery from an affair i cannot recommend this book highly enough

[Bandwitch]

I'm curious, what can the book possibly say to make forgiving and forgetting an affair easier?

[AuntieMaggie]

Glad you find it useful Keely - I did too :)

I found it useful to go back to later on too, because people sometimes think 'well it's been x months now you must be over it' when in reality some days you might not be.

[AuntieMaggie]

Its not about making forgiving and forgetting an affair easier - its about understanding whats going on from both points of view and for me (as it sounds like it did for Keely) validating that you have the right to feel x y and z and expect certain things.

[keelybooboo]

absolutly auntmaggie!

4 months ago i would have said that there was more chance of winning the euro than my dh having an affair - but that turned out wrong

i also would have told anyone i knew who's dh had had an affair to get the hell out and i was 100% sure that i would have done the same - that turned out wrong too

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I got this book a couple of weeks after I discovered H's affair - I so wish I read it long before this.

The book has really helped and I still go back to it to read certain sections more thoroughly.

The book is not about forgiving or forgetting an affair - its more of an explanation of how modern affairs can happen so easily even in happy marriages. It also helped me understand my feelings and why I was (and still am) so physically traumatised. It also gives great advice for those trying to recover from affairs.

I used to be one of those bloody smug wives who thought their DHs would never ever stray and like keelybooboo said that should my H ever have an affair then I would kick him out...

[keelybooboo]

i think i really struggled with the feeling that i'd always had such a clear cut view on affairs and felt weak and pathetic that i didn't want my marriage to end. i'd always had the view that a woman who 'puts up' with a betrayal like that was a doormat - and i'm far from that.

[amberlight]

It's not easy ending a relationship = who lives where, how does the money sort out, who gets which friends, which pets, which items, what happens to the children, etc etc. No wonder people try to resolve things if they possibly can. It's not any sign of weakness to seek a solution, I think, as long as it's one that respects the rights of both parties to honesty and proper care from that point onwards.

[keelybooboo]

i can honestly say that none of those things (money/house/children) were even a factor in my decision to want my marriage to survive this

[Wisedupwoman]

I read the Glass book in the days after stbx went to be with OW who is 'just a good friend'.

Skipped the chapter aimed at the OW.

Wish I'd read it after the first 'just good friend'.

[amberlight]

It's good that most of that book is available online through Google Books, too. I like the questionnaire about 'has your friendship become an emotional affair' on p16.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Keelybooboo - I feel the same. I don't care much about the house, money, items etc. The children were a contributory factor though but not the deciding factor.

I also struggled with the fact that my decision to work through the current situation (still not 100% sure about the long term future as its still early days) was going against what I used to believe (i.e that its weak)- however a friend told me that she thought I was being very incredibly strong and that it would probably have been much easier to give up.

[maandpa]

This book saved my sanity! It was so helpful. Its a year on from discovery now for us. Our relationship is very different and completely new.

[stargazy]

Also found Andrew Marshall's 'How can I ever trust you again' book v good in helping deal with aftermath of EA (Dh's not mine) Good advice on getting rid of obsessive and intrusive thoughts.Shirley Glass book brilliant at helping to understand why even in a strong relationship things can go astray.When you have a wobble or another bad day Keelybooboo just pick either up and reread whichever bits help you most.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I have the Andrew Marshall book too.
Although some aspects were helpful, I didn't think it had enough insight into affair proofing your marriage and helping you understand just how easy it is for someone in an apparently strong marriage to go down the slippery slope into an affair.

[amberlight]

It's a difficult question to answer, too - how even strong marriages can find temptation happens. I guess, just thinking randomly, that marriage is about the only thing in our whole lives where we have to be 100% committed to just one situation. We can have many children and love them all. We can have many friends and love them all. We can have many relatives and love them all. We can change jobs, do two jobs at once, have different hobbies, have different interests....

But we can only have one marriage partner, and that's it. I've heard people say "it's a bit like having steak every night. Steak is great. It's a marvellous meal. I love steak. But steak every single night, even with a different sauce, for 25 years, is too much steak. I don't want to give up steak, but sometimes I yearn for chicken or fish or a vegetarian option. It doesn't mean I hate steak or never want it in my life again or there's something wrong with steak". I'm not saying relationships should be anything like a meal choice, but maybe that's the challenge- that now people are together with infinite others online and in real life, the option to just keep to one relationship forever starts to seem more like an endurance course than a joy. Finding the joy again I guess is the knack.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

amberlight - I agree its a hard question to answer but Shirley Glass's book is very good for helping you understand how strong marriages can fall prey to temptation.

[keelybooboo]

i found the bit about flashbacks very helpful, also the obsessing about dates and what i was doing at certain times once i had found out what he was doing.

also very helpful when i have a wobble and think to myself 'how can i stay with you after you've done this?' (even though he is behaving impecabley at all times) rather than those thoughts spiraling out of control like they have been, yesterday when this happened i thought 'i want our marriage to come through this and i'm gonna give it my bloody best shot - and if in a years time these thoughts are still there then i'll rethink' it just seems to make it less overwhelming and easier to deal with negative thoughts creeping in - i don't know if that makes sense to anybody else but its helping me!

[keelybooboo]

i tried to explain this to my dh and he was dismayed to think that i was putting time scales on things and after saying that i'm 100% commited to getting through this that was i actually just keeping my options open? i said its not that at all its just that when 'the shadows' come into my mind that really helps to push them out again.

its like we're sitting eating dinner (that he's cooked) and we're having a laugh and telling each other about things that have happened during our day and out of nowhere BAM into my head comes 'but you don't love me - you fucked somebody else' its like it hasn't even come from my consiousness.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

keelbooboo, DH knows that I am willing to work through the current situation but cannot offer long term guarantees because he has done so much damage that I am not 100% sure that I will be able to forgive/move on etc.

I can kind of understand (and in time can forgive) how the affair started but I am struggling with understanding why he chose to continue the affair. I am hoping that counselling will help with this.

[keelybooboo]

hotchoc - can i ask how long your dh's affair was going on for? because in my case that was a huge deciding factor on whether i was prepared to stay

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

I am thinking of buying this book on receommendation from here...but.

We have split...no going back (as far as I am concerned). Is there any point?
I'm scared that i will read it and realise that this is all my fault after all even though at the moment I am comofrtable that it is not, although acknowlegdge that we both had a part to play in relationship breakdown the actual affair was not my fault IYSWIM).

[keelybooboo]

i dont think it can ever be your fault haunted - i was truely horrible to my dh in the run up to his affair but the actual decision to have the affair was his and his alone. rather than go down that road he should have left, he agrees completely with with this now but this is why hindsight is so graet isnt it?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Keely - 14 months but it took around 9-10 months between the OW appearing on the scene (she was an old friend that we had lost touch with and came back into our lives after a gap of around 6 years) and the start of the affair. How long was your H's affair?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Haunted - the book is clear about the fact that affairs are not the fault of the other spouse, and that it is the betrayer's choice. It gives a good explanation of vulnerabilities in the relationship, social/work environment and in the personality of the betrayer - if you google Shirley Glass, you may find her website interesting/useful.

[keelybooboo]

it was 3 months hotchoc. he started a new job in nov last year (where they met) it started after xmas and i found out end of march this year. they only slept together once - which makes it easier to deal with.

what i'm really struggling with is that i found out accidently (ie he didn't tell me himself) and the fact that she is only 25! oh and he still works with her.

i still can't eat properly - have dropped over a stone to a size 8. if one more person says to me 'wow you've lost weight, you look great!' i'm gonna scream MY HUSBAND HAD A FUCKING AFFAIR OK (hopefully not in the playground!)

i'm also plagued by thoughts of sleeping with somebody else just so i can hurt him as much as he's hurt me. unfortunatly there isn't any mention of how to deal with that in the book!

i think you're a braver person than me to throw yourself back into your marriage after a 14month affair - i don't honestly think i could. its bad enough looking back over 3 months and thinking about the lies and betrayal and when we did this/went there was he thinking about her?

can i ask how you found out? did he tell you?