Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP came home drunk, swearing at me. I feel very sad.

(61 Posts)
DreamingOfCake Thu 16-Jun-11 23:21:34

I'm just having a little cry. DP came home drunk and just started being really unpleasant. First he slapped me really hard on the bum twice, I winced out loud both times and said that he'd really hurt me and told him not to do it again. He said sorry over and over.I said fine, don't keep going on about it.
Then a minute or two later he just went ballistic because I'd forgotten to turn the heating off- it's on a timer and I had put it on for an hour last night to try and get some clothes dry, forgotten to turn it off again so it had come on for an hour again tonight. Started calling me a f-ing idiot, f-ing mental, what the f is wrong with me etc. I asked him once to stop swearing at me and being so aggressive. That made him more mad, carried on ranting at me calling me a f-ing d-head etc.
I then went into the spare room without saying a word, when he asked why I said I was going to sleep there because he was being unpleasant. He then started ranting about how he'd "made a note of this" and why the f- was I turning this round to be his fault.
He's stopped now, fallen into a drunken sleep I think. I'm wide awake in the spare room, crying. He doesn't realise how horrible he is and will only give me a vague apology late on ithe next day. He doesn't remember how poisonous he's been. And then I wonder if I'm overreacting, is this just drunken bloke behaviour. I'm writing him an email detailing what he's done which I'm going to send him in the morning in an attempt to make him aware of what he's been like. I'm just feeling really sad.

So it's happened before then, if you know what he's going to be like in the morning.
No, you are not overreacting. This man is an abusive arsehole. Do you have DC with him? If not, leave him before you get PG. If you do have DC, you still need to leave him, because soon, maybe not next time, or the time after that, but soon, these incidents will get closer together, and the slaps will turn to punches. And kicks. And worse.
Contact WOmen's Aid, keep posting, there are lots of people here who can advise you on ways of getting rid of abusive men. Best of luck. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 16-Jun-11 23:27:16

Poor you, of course you feel sad.

He doesn't realise how horrible he is and will only give me a vague apology late on ithe next day. He doesn't remember how poisonous he's been.

This is a pattern?

JeremyVile Thu 16-Jun-11 23:27:34

I'm rubbish at advice because I can't fathom why you would put up with someone like that, so I'll just say that no, this is not just normal drunk bloke behaviour. Not at all.

SirSugar Thu 16-Jun-11 23:28:40

How old is he; do yourself a favour and get rid of the selfish twat. As SCGB said - NO EXCUSE

microserf Thu 16-Jun-11 23:30:04

i'm sorry, but as the poster above says, there isn't any excuse at all for this behaviour. it's abusive and it's not normal "drunken bloke" behaviour, not at all. i just want to send my sympathies, to say thinking of you and tomorrow when you have some time, really think through what you are getting from this relationship. in the meantime, please try to get some sleep and take care of yourself. i am sure other posters with more experience than me can give you some good advice, but take v good care of yourself and stay posting, there's lots of support!

do you have DCs? this is going to be v relevant to the advice you get.

buzzsore Thu 16-Jun-11 23:31:06

No it's not normal.

If when he's sober your relationship is good, then he needs to stop drinking. Altogether.

puffling Thu 16-Jun-11 23:32:17

I'm sad to read this. You don't deserve this. Ge this book from amazon here. It's the most recommended book I've seen on here for this type of situation.

SirSugar Thu 16-Jun-11 23:34:41

good book recommendation there puffling

DreamingOfCake Thu 16-Jun-11 23:35:46

Yes it's happened a number of times before. Maybe 12 times in the 2 years we've been together, perhaps more. I am a bit worried that he will totally lose it and perhaps physically hurt me one day. I know it sounds very pathetic but he is not at all like this the rest of the time, he's like a different person when drinks and it's frightening- I just heard him sigh or sniff or something and my heart skipped a beat thinking he was going to wake up and come in...he just did "what are you doing?" in an annoyed voice. It's like he's forgotten the last thirty minutes. I asked him to please leave me alone and he did, muttering something to himself. We don't have children together, thank goodness. He's 31. Is there anything I can do in terms of his drinking do you think? It's the drinking that makes him like this.

SirSugar Thu 16-Jun-11 23:36:23


DreamingOfCake Thu 16-Jun-11 23:38:39

Thank you very much Puffling- I will look at that link.
Jeremy- I completely understand why you would question me being with him. I suppose it feels hard to end the relationship over his behaviour which maybe happens only 5% or less of the time, if that makes sense. I don't even know why I'm posting here, I just felt so sad and I feel alone, I can't tell anyone this and I'm still questioning if I'm making it out to be something worse than it is.

SirSugar Thu 16-Jun-11 23:39:58

He is not your problem, he is making you unhappy, it should be beneath you to even entertain the idea of washing his socks when he hasn't got the decency to behave respectfully towards you

I guarantee that when you find the strength to walk away, you WILL feel much much better.

You are not responsible for his drink problem.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 16-Jun-11 23:41:04

No, there is nothing you can do in terms of his drinking.

His drinking is his choice, his problem, his decision to pursue or stop. You may desperately want to, but you will have no influence on his choice to drink or not. That's his call to make only.

Your choice is to decide whether you want to stick around and see your fears played out.

puffling Thu 16-Jun-11 23:41:51

No children - that makes it much easier to leave!! You don't want to be saddled with a manchild for the rest of your life.

SirSugar Thu 16-Jun-11 23:42:23

Its bad.

I did fifteen years of hardcore marriage, with DCs in the picture it gets much worse.

Get out whilst the goings good, your self esteem will rocket

FunnysInTheGarden Thu 16-Jun-11 23:42:29

yes, I would second/ third that. It's not normal, you don't have any DC, so leave. He sounds awful

buzzsore Thu 16-Jun-11 23:44:47

Personally I would leave. You've no kids, you're not in too deep.

If you do stay, ask him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous or to his GP and undertake to stop drinking altogether. No 'social' drinking, nothing at all. He's a nasty drunk and if he cares about you at all, he needs to get help and stop the booze. If he wants to continue drinking in 'moderation', it's not good enough, too too easy to go over the tipping point into nasty drunk. And it would have to be a life-time commitment not to drink ever, not give up for a while, or you'd be right back where you started.

If he won't get help, leave. If you do stay, make sure your contraception is very effective.

DreamingOfCake Thu 16-Jun-11 23:44:49

Yes, you're all very right I know. I'm just really sad, I know I'm going to send him this email, detailing all the horrible things he's said and he still won't fucking get it sad This is not ok is it. Oh god the tears just won't stop but I'm trying to cry quietly because if he hears it'll be another excuse to come in and have another go at me, I think he thinks I do it for attention or something.

FunnysInTheGarden Thu 16-Jun-11 23:46:53

Dreaming you sound really scared. Thats not good, and no way to live your life.

winnybella Thu 16-Jun-11 23:46:53

He's an abusive twat and they don't become nicer the longer you're into the relationship/when the dc come. Save yourself years of misery and leave him.

MoChan Thu 16-Jun-11 23:47:30

The thing about him saying you were turning it around to be his fault made me shudder. Don't do what I did and put up with year after year of drunken, abusive ranting that was never his fault - I turned it all around, you see, and MADE it his fault. In the morning, he would remember how I had abused him. There were times I would end up apologising to him.

Your OH is the one with the problem. You have to make him sort it out, or you have to get out of his way. I got out of the way. I should have done it earlier.

DreamingOfCake Thu 16-Jun-11 23:47:47

Oh god I'm reading my words back and it's making me more upset. I know I'm making it sounds awful. It's not like this every day, maybe only once a month. It does knock me though each time it happens. Thank you each and every one of you for taking the time to answer my's very kind of you all.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 16-Jun-11 23:48:14

He reacts angrily at your tears because he can't stand anything that smacks of criticism of his actions; anything that reminds him of his responsibility in hurting another human being. He wants to be able to treat you badly, and get away with it. Shutting you up and blaming you gets him that.

SirSugar Thu 16-Jun-11 23:48:18

Cry Cry and Cry some more, let it out and you will feel better. Its painful leaving but what kind of life is this? Get your self respect together and leave him to his drunken rages

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: