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What's more important: emotional intimacy or someone who you are utterly comfortable with?

(52 Posts)
namechangexx Thu 16-Jun-11 21:00:48

Just comparing my current dp - he's very witty, very entertaining, very knowledgeable and we get on very well and I can totally be myself around him. However, he has never been a great 'romance' for me although sex is good and he has never wanted us to get married (for various reasons).

with my ex - total romance, he was my 'soulmate', mutual infatuation, wanted to marry me, sex was incredible. We split cos we got together too young and I wanted other experiences. However, he was more conventional and conservative than my dp and that used to get on my nerves a bit!

Why couldn't I get both?? Am I being greedy? I miss/crave the emotional intimacy I got from my ex.

allegrageller Thu 16-Jun-11 21:10:06

nameechange, when you find the answer, tell me

I had a 12 year marriage which got very dull and sexless, now have DP. Dull and sexless it ain't, to say the least. But god I miss the peace of having someone I could just sit and chuckle at Spaced and America's Next Top Model with.

Cliche alert: you can't have everything!!! :D

namechangexx Thu 16-Jun-11 23:23:48

I think that's true: you can't have everything but it doesn't stop you wanting it smile or trying to figure out what's most important (aside from the children!).

shavmcv Fri 17-Jun-11 16:36:43

I love my dp more than anything (except obv ddsmile) we are getting married in a few months time , but it does annoy and sometimes upset me that we have a mates-type relationship . He is not romantic in the "hearts and flowers" kinda way , but I don't consider it a major issue , it's just one of those things .

Is your sex life good , but not "I must rip your clothes off and have you now" good ??

I've had that before but I would not trade it in for what I have with dp . But I would like it from time to time !!! smile

Sorry to repeat ... But you can't have everything !!gringrin

TeamDamon Fri 17-Jun-11 16:44:54

I am completely comfortable with DH - we chat away about this and that, enjoy the same activities, like the same TV programmes, don't row about where to go on holiday, etc.

We don't have furious rows or mad, passionate sex. Just comfy sex. But you know what, I am happy, DH is happy and DS is happy. On a day to day basis. Our life works. And I feel like that's more than many people can say smile

You can have both....

DH is my best friend, we sit and drink beer and watch Family Guy, have romantic meals out and champagne, great sex (when we don't have a 2 month old baby).

SunRaysthruClouds Fri 17-Jun-11 16:54:02

Expect nothing, appreciate everything, and you will be happy

TheOriginalFAB Fri 17-Jun-11 16:55:51

Aren't they the same?

AnyFucker Fri 17-Jun-11 16:56:11

I couldn't be emotionally intimate with someone I am not comfortable with

I don't get you

AnyFucker Fri 17-Jun-11 16:56:57


fantastic fuck versus comfortable I can understand

is that what you meant ?

strawberryjelly Fri 17-Jun-11 17:20:00

I don't get the distincion either- despite reading and re-reading your post many times.

Are you simply saying that your first love was your soul mate and your now DP falls short of that?

You seem to be analysing your current DP with "your head" and your ex with "your heart".

Is it not simply an age thing- young love and all that- or are you saying that although current DP ticks certain boxes ( as noted by "your head") you simply don't feel so strongly for him despite his many good qualities- as you did for your ex?

namechangexx Fri 17-Jun-11 17:53:41

Team Damon - I feel the same as you mostly.

AF: my dp is someone I can fart in front of, shovel my dinner down in front of, all those sorts of things you dont generally 'share' with others.
My ex was someone I shared my 'soul' secrets with as cliched as that sounds (and I dont care, I will admit that i do miss it)

Sunrays: I'm far too reflective to have such an unequivocal outlook on life. On balance I'm glad to be a person that questions things.

namechangexx Fri 17-Jun-11 17:56:44

SF: I know it sounds like an age thing but it's not. If I saw him now it would be the same. I guess it was incredible chemistry that lead to great sex that led to reflection and emotional intimacy.
My dp is someone I talk to the kids and affairs of the world about, rather than affairs of the heart.
It is hard to explain...
Not a huge problem more a reflection most of the time.

namechangexx Fri 17-Jun-11 17:59:41

Sorry to go on but to clarify: I did also feel comfortable with ex but not to the same degree that I am with dp.

If you mean all that daft teenage 'you are the other half of my soul' bollocks, then it is not a distinction between emotional intimacy and being comfortable, it is a distinction between a grown up relationship and an infatuation.

strawberryjelly Fri 17-Jun-11 18:02:36

Maybe your ex just had more of feminine side then ? smile

TeamDamon Fri 17-Jun-11 18:04:34

namechange, I do get what you mean with your clarification about the 'soul secrets'. I have a similar ex - we were great at exploring our psyches but just couldn't make the day to day stuff work!

I like the idea of it being less about finding the person you can't live without, and more about finding the person you can live with! grin

namechangexx Fri 17-Jun-11 18:06:54

I wasn't a teenager smile I agree it sounds like bollocks but it wasn't just an infatuation (I know the distinction), it was a normal grown up relationship where we did normal things not moon around reading each other poetry...
I was late 20s when it ended.

qumquat Fri 17-Jun-11 18:09:08

I'd phrase it slightly differently but I understand your dilemma. I love the bones of DP but I feel sad I've never been 'in love' with him and have missed out on the passionate side of relationships, but then again he makes me so happy on a day to day basis I think I'd be mad to leave him. ANd yet the sadness remains . . .

AnyFucker Fri 17-Jun-11 18:11:37

nc, why are you examining past relationships like this ?

has the bloke been in touch, by any chance ?

not happy with current bloke ?

waxing lyrical about old relationships through the love-smeared goggles of time is a really silly thing to do, and will only add (unrealistically) to any dis-satisfaction you might be feeling

namechangexx Fri 17-Jun-11 18:13:48

No he hasn't been in touch ms cynical any fucker. Isn't it ok to be reflective from time to time? It's just something I feel at the moment, I'm not about to do anything drastic.

LeQueen Fri 17-Jun-11 18:40:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechangexx Fri 17-Jun-11 18:56:55

LeQueen - that's great!
Perhaps not the lucky norm for most though.

BitOfFun Fri 17-Jun-11 19:02:51

I've got both, and a pony with sugar on top.


MordechaiVanunu Fri 17-Jun-11 19:15:50

grin at BoF.

I couldn't be doing with high level emotional intimacy on a daily or long term level tbh.

I had relationships like that when young, but now love the contentment of sharing my life with a good man.

I do occasionally miss that hit of romantic connection and the high it gives, but I know i'd only want it temporarily before I got bored and wanted my space and cosy contentment back, so I know which path I've needed to take at this point in my life.

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