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I could cry for my brother ...

(17 Posts)
happytourer Thu 16-Jun-11 20:40:38

... and his existence, rather than life.

I just need to get this off my chest. It's so painful to watch someone who I think is unhappy just exist rather than live.

The back story is my brother met his first girlfriend when he was 21 and she was 26. 12 years later, they just seem to exist. I feel so sorry for the pair of them. They got engaged about ten years ago and they've not got married. They had one holiday to Bournemouth about ten years ago. They've lost friends, they just seem to have an existence of "go to work, come home, watch Sky Sports 1, off to work again". They've slowly put on weight to the point where they're obese (I know on its own it's not the worse thing in the world), it's part of the wider picture.

Writing this down, it doesn't sound so bad, and I also know it's completely up to them. It's none of my choice. It just strikes me they're getting nothing out of life, and they could do so much more.

It's so sad to see them. Assuming nothing is going to change, how do I get over this? It's like watching a slow suicide for both of them

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jun-11 20:42:30

have you asked him if he's happy ?

perhaps he is

happytourer Thu 16-Jun-11 20:47:28

To ask him that question would just put him into a temper. I've got to the point where I daren't ask him about things like that. To be honest, I think I know the answer. He's quite an angry person. He left school unhappy, and thought other people there were arrogant, and big heads and looked down on him. His self-esteem is so low, I don't think he could imagine what happy might be.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jun-11 20:53:45

you need to butt out

jenrendo Thu 16-Jun-11 20:54:09

Oh dear I have a brother who sounds similar to yours. All through my 20's I tried to 'help' him sort out his life but now I've realised that it's his life and he will live it however he chooses. All we can do is be there for him if he needs us. It's not up to us how our family live, although sometimes I just want to give my bro a kick up the backside. I try not to dwell on it and concentrate on my own little family. Easier said than done though x

ShoutyHamster Thu 16-Jun-11 20:57:12

Yes - let him be

It just isn't your place to decide it's a problem until he suggests it's a problem

Do something lovely for him and his girlfriend now and again and in all other respects keep firmly out, I'd say.

HooverTheHamaBeads Thu 16-Jun-11 20:58:26

He's in his 30's then?

He's a big boy and living the life he choses. You can't live his life for him or try to push him down a path you think is better for him.

happytourer Thu 16-Jun-11 21:01:59

I appreciate there's nothing I can do, I just want to get it off my chest. He is a grown man, and it is how he chooses to live his life.

happytourer Thu 16-Jun-11 21:03:20

As to butting out, that's what I do. I daren't ask him anything personal.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jun-11 21:03:27

it's ok to get it off your chest here, of course

but you have to keep your thoughts to yourself around him

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jun-11 21:04:50

but you are judging him to say you "daren't" ask him anything personal

he doesn't want to discuss it

so quit the judgement, really

Maryz Thu 16-Jun-11 21:12:49

Some people are just unhappy, and the only way they will change is if they change from within themselves, iyswim.

My heart breaks when I look at ds1. He is 17 and the highlight of his day is having a joint sad. He won't go back to education, or sport, or to all the friends he has lost. He doesn't remember things with happiness, or look forward with anticipation.

But I have to accept that he is like that. I can't change him. And I risk destroying my own life and the lives of my younger children if I spend all my life trying.

So to answer your question, you can't change him, you have to (somehow) learn to live with it, as do I sad.

happytourer Thu 16-Jun-11 21:38:37

Although my main concern is my brother, I do hope he isn't abusive to his partner.

You're right though that I do have to try and not worry about them

wildfig Thu 16-Jun-11 21:46:33

Why do you think he might be abusive?

happytourer Thu 16-Jun-11 21:49:52

He's always been a very angry man. He's been involved in a few road rage incidents (although he's a bit of a wimp), and at school had a history of not being able to control his temper. I've seen it a few times since

Maryz Thu 16-Jun-11 21:55:53

You can't change him, though, or change their relationship sad. They are adults, you have to let them be.

And, you know, it is quite possible they are happy with the setup. Some people have low expectations of life, which is sad but not wrong, iyswim.

jasper Thu 16-Jun-11 23:38:07

I feel sad for you

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