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Advice needed

(9 Posts)
PenelopeKeith Thu 16-Jun-11 15:34:22

My daughter is married to a well paid workaholic who has a different financial background to his wife. My daughter had a private education etc and he a traditional working class upbringing. Reason I mention this is that it has been a pressure on the relationship from the start.

They have two small children 7 and 3. He has a bit of a chip and has a potential anger management issue. Recently I was visiting (which I do regularly) and my grandson had a red mark on his face - he told me on the way to school Dad had slapped him. I don't think this is the first time. He certainly does not hit the little girl, but not sure about my daughter who is trying to be really loyal - although does not seem happy.

What can I do? I don't want to contact social services or approach him at work as this might inflame the problem. What can I do?

Advice and help needed.

HerHissyness Thu 16-Jun-11 15:46:39

Does your Son in Law (SIL) have an anger management issue with everyone? or is it only his family? has he ever hit your daughter?

Have you spoken to your daughter about this?

If your SIL has hit a child hard enough to leave a mark that stayed all the way until after school, he has committed an assault on your GS.

If you don't get some kind of commitment from your daughter to protect her DS then you need to be tough with her and mention social services and the police unless she takes steps to get this bully out of the house. Tell her that you will support her all the way. Give her the details to Woman's Aid here.

Tell her that no-one (happy) lives like this and her child is being battered. it's not acceptable ever. If he works as hard as you say, and earns well, then she will have access to a fair amount of money which will enable her and her children to live in safety.

If nothing else, get a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and see if it resonates with her?

Orangesarenottheonlyfruit Thu 16-Jun-11 17:38:37

Am interested in what other people think, if he hits his DS does it seem more than likely that he hits his DW??? Or am I wrong?

HerHissyness Thu 16-Jun-11 18:47:38

I dunno, my dad used to smack us, but not that hard to leave as mark for an entire school day, but he never hit my mum.

Orangesarenottheonlyfruit Thu 16-Jun-11 19:24:22

I am sorry to hear that HH.

I am guessing from your previous post that you would have appreciated some external intervention??

HerHissyness Thu 16-Jun-11 21:03:53

No, not applicable - My X was abusive, this is the angle I'm seeing it from. Could be a case of projecting, but until OP comes back and says this guy is hitting her DD too...

Leaving a mark on a child for an entire day is beyond acceptable. Our dad never hit us that hard. we grew up in the 70s, it was the norm then.

I don't think it did any harm per se, but we all know it's not right and not to be done anymore.

Mouseface Thu 16-Jun-11 21:24:21

He must have hit him damn hard for a mark to remain all day. sad

We were smacked as children by my mother. All the time.

I guess we need to know why he was smacked (I don't condone violence at ALL) and if this is the norm for the family.

I feel that the DW (daughter) is most likely covering for him when approached on this subject.

Mouseface Thu 16-Jun-11 21:25:11

I should add, that I'm a 70's child too and yep, it was the norm for us too.

PenelopeKeith Fri 17-Jun-11 15:05:39

Thank you all so much for your comments. I am taking all to heart - keeping in the background for the moment, keeping close to daughter and keeping her confidence. I will certainly go on to womans aid site and Why does he do that. Any tangible problem will certainly come into action.

Great to have support!

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