having total openness in facebook,email,phone

[WantToPeep]

My DP and I are having a current conflict on the issue of personal privacy Vs total openness. I firmly believe that if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to worry about and he doesn't.

The last year has been really rough for us as a couple, i became very mentally unwell after the birth of my 4th DC and was sectioned in a mother and baby unit for several weeks. DP took lots of time off work and was very supportive in general.

However since my illness i have gained lots of weight from the medication (and was chunky enough to begin with), i'm still signed off work,my self confidence is in pieces and our relationship has suffered.We have only recently started having sex again after a year of nothing.

Recently DP has changed,he has started buying new clothes, exercising,taking more care of his personal appearance,he brought facescrub for fucks sake. He is socialising more with people from work. He claims he feels happier in himself and this is the reason behind the changes.

I suspect that he has a crush on someone at work.I honestly dont think he is having an affair but i am very worried,but my illness also makes me paranoid too.

I recently snooped on his facebook and phone,i confronted him about a minor lie he had told me. I feel totally stupid for 'showing my hand too soon' as now he has changed his facebook password and pin locked his phone.He said he felt his privacy was violated and i should be able to trust him without snooping on him.

If anything not being able to check is making me the suspicion worse. I can feel myself becoming obsessed with the idea he is heavily flirting with someone at work,maybe starting an emotional affair and theres nothing i can do about it.

What would you do in my shoes? right now i want to demand total openness or else option.This is totally doing my head in.

[chubsasaurus]

I'm sorry you've been ill and hope you're feeling better.

However, I would fly off the wall if my DP considered looking at my phone, emails, facebook etc - as would he if I did it - and we have nothing to hide. Privacy is important. The only time this might be acceptable is post-affair trying to rebuild trust. Sorry but I think you're wrong to expect full access.

[lookingfoxy]

Well you snooped and found nothing, he quite rightly feels invaded and has changed his passwords.

He maybe is now feeling a lot better in himself, the past year would have been very rough on him as well and it could be the first time in a long time that he's been able to socialise, make an effort in his appearance etc.

On what you've said, I would really suspect anything.

[Mouseface]

You've both been through so much by the sounds of it.

It's hard to get things back on track when you've been mentally unwell and on medication.

How do you feel about having sex again? Is this something that you initiated or did your DP?

I think that you should talk to him about your concerns. It's no small wonder that you feel worried after all you've been through but this will eat you up unless you talk to him.

He needs to know how you feel and then you can take it from there. Maybe, just maybe he's going to the gym and looking after himself for you?

It's doesn't always mean an affair. You need to talk.

[Mouseface]

Foxy - do you mean wouldn't?

[lookingfoxy]

'wouldn't' really suspect anything!!

[midnightexpress]

I would be very annoyed too if I were him. DP can get into my email/FB etc and I can get into his because we have the passwords saved on our 'puter, but I don't think he ever does - I trust him not to, unless I've asked him to, and he trusts me not to. Trust only works if you play your part too, but you've already been snooping.

[eurochick]

I would not feel comfortable with my hubby having access to my email, facebook or phone. I am an independent person with my own thoughts. I cherish my privacy.

[WantToPeep]

Thank you for replies.
Okay,i'm starting to feel glad i didn't post this in AIBU! So the general concenus so far is that i'm in the wrong for snooping. I think i just find it very hard to trust 100 per cent as he did cheat on me a very long time ago (before DC)

Sex- is something i encouraged the resumption of and afterwards he brought me flowers which isn't like him at all either.

We are talking but it tends to be the same conversation over and over and i dont feel able to get over this hurdle.
It honestly would not bother me one little bit if he were look at my phone or facebook. There is nothing that i wouldn't openly share with him.

[MizzyFizzy]

I have to go against the consensus here a bit...DH and I have open access to all email, phones, texts, post etc....we don't do FB so can't comment on that.

I have no idea if he reads my emails...nor do I care...I presume he is the same as he often gets me to get his phone and dial a number or find a number for him...I then pass him the phone for the actual convo'.

If he looks at my stuff he never mentions it and I don't purposely seek out his emails etc...but have opened them if I know he's waiting for something important - I then usually phone him to let him know it's arrived and if it needs an urgent reply.

I just don't feel the need to 'protect' my privacy nor him from me as far as I know.

If my DH changed his passwords and stuff after I mentioned looking at his emails or whatever, it would make me suspicious as to why he suddenly needed to up the privacy stakes.

[WantToPeep]

I maybe should have gone into greater detail in OP but didn't want to 'over detail' either.

I checked his phone after he had been on a night out with people from work. He told me he was out with person A and B. On checking phone i find out person C was also there, she's someone i know from school,dont much like her and DP knows that. So he had decided not to tell me she was going to be there because he thought i would overreact.(he could be right about that)

After the phone i go to sign into facebook but it tells me password was changed approx 2 weeks before??? Going into emails i find that the same day he changed his password he also accepted a friend request from a girl he works with (person D) Why would he do that?

When i asked why facebook password had changed (after row about phone snooping) he couldn't give a real reason, and then said he thought our son had tried to see it so had changed it.

I haven't mentioned person D to him but she is a blonde stunner,very much his type. This morning his phone screen said there was a text from her, I didn't mention that either.

[mrsravelstein]

i'm with mizzyfizzy here... my email & facebook are open on the laptop most of the time, and on my ipod all the time, which dh regularly wanders off with to play a game on. whether he checks up on me, i don't know (though i suspect he probably does) but i've nothing to hide, and in a way, if he sees that i've nothing to hide, it probably helps with the trust issue.

[MizzyFizzy]

From what you've posted WantToPeep... the previous cheating and the change in your DH's behaviour...I'm sad to say that I'd be suspicious too and want the complete openness situation restored.

[monkeysmum79]

my Dh and I have total openess with phone, email and FB too. Because we have both had issues in previous relationships, both cheated and been cheated on etc. So we both decided no secrets and that way nothing can be confused.
If he suddenly changed that I'd suspicious too, and I always thought that when a partner suddenly starts to make more of an effort with appearance its a definite red flag that their up to something or at least thinking about it coupled with everything else Op has noticed.
Sorry Op. Hope its nothing.

[Mouseface]

DH and I have open access but I never look at his phone, I don't feel the need to.

This 'stunner' has texted your DP? He brought you flowers after sex? He deliberatly didn't tell you that person C who you dislike was out the other night?

Hmmmmm, I think you need to tell him all of this. It could be nothing or it could be more.

You won't know unless you ask about person C, the 'stunner' and the change of passwords.......

And FWIW, my DH brings me flowers every week. He's well trained

[WantToPeep]

When i have requested total openness he has declined it because as i said he values his privacy but also he said that he didn't want me picking over every little detail of things,of seeing things that are not there in work relationships where people banter and flirt just to pass the time.
He works in a environment heavily populated by young females. Next week there is an annual work event where both person C and D will attend. Last year i didn't go as heavily pregnant,year before i attended. This year my attending hasn't been mentioned at all yet.
What i am beginning to read into this is that he doesn't want to be seen with me, that i embarrass him. My self esteem is pretty shot already.

[WantToPeep]

Mouseface- ifindit so hard to talk to him about because i just end up a sobbing wreck. andhe gets pissed off having the same conversation again and again. He ends up quoting to me about the bird that is set to fly free choosing tocome back and that without trust our relationship means nothing.

[Mouseface]

Okay, sorry.

So talking is out. I really don't like that quote he uses. Why does he need to be set free? To 'decide' whether or not to come back? What an odd thing to say.

My Mouse whiskers are twitching now. I think that maybe there could be some flirting going on, a little bit of enjoying some attention from the opposite sex?

Have you ever been out with him and these people? And how well do you know them?

If you do think he's playing away, do you know who it may be?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sorry but there are several red flags there...

Defensiveness about his privacy - changing passwords/getting angry/quoting freedom stuff (all of this I recognise from my OH who had an affair)

Clothes/appearance

Work/social environment

Past history

[WantToPeep]

I think you've maybe hit the nail on the head Mouseface, i think there is flirting and his ego is being stroked (hopefully nothing else!) and it's making him feel good.
I've never been out with these people and have never even met person D. (the stunner)
The event next week-if i mention it he'll just say 'of course i want you to be there' I wouldn't really want to go but it would be an intresting way of seeing what his work relationships are like?

[acja]

I think we all have a right to privacy, but i think you have had just cause there to snoop. I would go to this works do and see how he is with his work mates especailly these women. Is the works event a dressy occasion? Use it as an excuse to treat yourself to a new outfit and do yourself up, that can do wonders for a bit of a confidence boost. x

[buzzsore]

I think here: "he said that he didn't want me picking over every little detail of things, of seeing things that are not there in work relationships where people banter and flirt just to pass the time."

He has basically admitted there's flirting and banter going on and he isn't willing either to show you it or stop doing it. Given your history together, I'd be wondering how much further it's going.

[Mouseface]

Quick Hijack, sorry WantToPeep - MAHC - how are you sweets? xx

Want - I think that you will see for yourself just how he is when you go to this do. You WILL know if he's being himself or not.

Can I say something? I may well get flamed for this but when you do go with him, do your hair, put on some make up and spend some time getting yourself ready so that you feel comfortable. (Sorry, assuming you do hair and make up) Make sure that when you walk out the door, you feel ready in yourself to enjoy the night.

It's time for YOU to get out too which I honestly think you need. Treat it as a night out for the two of you. Talk to his colleagues, smile, be you and ENJOY the time you have away from being 'mum'.

Be YOU for the night.

[waterrat]

Op lets look at this slightly differently - you are feeling sad, hurt and are worrying about what he is doing. Instead of being happy to reassure you because he loves you - which is what any normal loving person would do - he blocked you from seeing anything.

He has put his 'freedom to facebook' o er your feelings. G
He is not a teenager and you are in a marriage and feel genuinely concerned - if he was a caring partner he would want to reassure you over anything else.

People who defend privacy on this threDz are missing the point. My partner can read my emails if he wants but he doesn't bother - I leVe them open and I can pick up his phone anytime I like.
Those defending privacy are in happy relationships - if your part er is actively hiding things from you that is clearly wrong.

Op sit him down calmly , be firm, say you are unhappy and wNt to be part of his life and you feel he is breaching your trust and really hurting you. Day you want him to show you Facebook - him refusing is ridiculous. You are his partner he is not a teenager.

Sorry but he is clearly hiding things from you here. If he is committed to you he would put you above his bloody Facebook

[Helltotheno]

OP I really think you need to focus on working on your own self esteem and getting yourself back on track. It isn't entirely up to him to make you feel secure, those things have to come from within you, and if you need professional help making that happen, you should definitely get it.

Yes there are red flags there with him but tackling him about stuff all the time because you feel insecure about it and being a blubbering wreck is only going to enforce his behaviour. I don't think it's strange to have separate emails, phone etc, my dh and I would never look at each other's stuff and this is not abnormal to us, we each have a laptop so it doesn't even arise. Don't use your precious energy to focus on that stuff, build yourself up and work on making yourself stronger. I'd say distance yourself a bit and start thinking about your own wellbeing.

[waterrat]

but helltotheno - you cant distance yourself from your partner! they have to be open and honest with you - of course, anybody - even someone without other worries - would feel anxious if their partner deliberately hid their email /facebook/phone form them.

YOu are confusing two things - yes it's normal to have separate email etc and to consider them generally private - but it is not normal to actually hide them or want to keep messages hidden from your partner.

I never go through my partners emails - but if I did, he wouldnt care..can you see the difference? This man is hiding something - facebook for gods sake, its so childish. This is not a random friend she is talking about - why on earth would you need distance from your partner in order to feel better about yourself.

You need them to be caring and supportive of you. Snooping is shit obviously - but the point is , she was genuinely worried - and he clearly is up to no good.

This question is often asked and posters often misunderstand, I think. Of course you should not snoop through your partners phone - but opennness is vital.
OP you have to be tough on him and say this needs to all come out in the open - and that this childish facebook nonsense has to stop