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Just let it fade out or end it properly?

(18 Posts)
Lorenz Thu 16-Jun-11 09:26:00

Brief background: we got together, we moved in together, realised we couldn't stand each other, moved apart and then got back together but remained living separately. Now I've always known he's not right for me, from around the 2nd day of us living together but in a strange way, I kind of enjoy his company when he's around. I guess he's great as a friend.

So this living apart but being together thing was working ok, he was putting a lot of effort into texting me good morning every day and goodnight every night. Random texts during the day, whenever he could he'd pop down and see me etc but I knew I would never trust him and we would never be properly compatible yet part of me wanted a future with him. So I let it carry on.

I'm now coming to realise that the entire thing is a farce and will never last. He doesn't text me in a morning anymore, doesn't text me before he goes to bed anymore, occasionally a whole day will go by and I won't hear from him. He's not in work today until 2pm and he knows I'm home but has not suggested meeting up for an hour or so like he would have done in the beginning.

It is slowly fading out, isn't it? my question is do I let it fizzle out completely (I'm guessing 6 months or so?) or do I officially end it?

akaEmmaFrost Thu 16-Jun-11 09:38:47

Honestly? From what you say I don't think it would even take 6 months. Don't text him for a while and see how long it goes. I know most would say "have a sit down talk with him" but I am not one of those. I like the fading out thing. Who needs a dramatic break up. If you feel happy about it and over it then just let it go.

Lorenz Thu 16-Jun-11 09:45:54

The thing is, life is going to change quite dramatically for me in September when I start Uni anyway, I'll have less spare time, more to occupy my mind - I think he knows this too.

I really can't be arsed with the whole "break-up" fiasco, like you said, who needs all the drama? I like a natural ending grin

akaEmmaFrost Thu 16-Jun-11 09:54:10

Oh me too <<heartfelt>>. Yes just stop texting him and see what happens. Unfortunately though there is always the danger of the "Push me, Pull me" thing. ie he senses you are losing interest and steps up his game, even though he wasn't that bothered before. Very tedious.

Taghain Thu 16-Jun-11 10:09:39

No, you end it formally.
Otherwise you'll always be half-waiting for that text or call, or you'll get back together for a couple of weeks & it will drag on.
Besides, one it's ended properly you can mentally declare yourself single and take decisions about other men more clearly.

Lorenz Thu 16-Jun-11 10:12:44

See that was the other side of the argument Taghain - if I do let it fizzle out and I meet someone I like - yet I'm still seeing current man once every couple of weeks I'll be like "umm am I single? am I not? am I cheating here?" and I'll be feeling guilty because "officially" I'm still with OM.

sad dunno what to do

Lorenz Thu 16-Jun-11 10:13:37

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in meeting anyone else.

howabout Thu 16-Jun-11 10:16:39

Why not just let it fizzle out and if you meet someone else in the meantime you can always make an official end then?

Just send him a friendly text along the lines of 'I think this has run its course, best of luck for the future.' That has the benefit of being polite but final. Then move on cheerfully. There isn't anything wrong with a relationship that just comes to a halt, many do. Much better to put a stop to it nicely than let it drag and drift on, with the potential for one of you to meet someone else and get in a right old tangle.

Awomancalledhorse Thu 16-Jun-11 10:28:50

End it, life is too short for dragging crap relationships out.

Lorenz Thu 16-Jun-11 10:29:48

Howabout - that sounds like a plan - I just feel sometimes that I'm using him until something better comes along. Is that a bad thing? Because I know full well he's only with me because his attempts at finding someone better went down like a led balloon.
I honestly believe we're using each other for companionship. Only I'm getting to the point now where I no longer need that companionship and either he's feeling the same (hence the dwindling contact) or he's just getting too comfortable with the whole situation.

Lorenz Thu 16-Jun-11 10:30:58

Sorry crossed posts with springchicken and awomancalledhorse

perfumedlife Thu 16-Jun-11 10:32:52

I think you're overthinking this. I can't see anything to end.

Taghain Thu 16-Jun-11 10:33:37

Well, using each other as friends with benefits isn't bad so long as it's out in the open and you know that the other is free to move on or look for another relationship. It's the in-between not-sure thing that messes you up.

Lorenz Thu 16-Jun-11 11:44:37

The thing is, we are seeing each other quite a bit still. For instance we're going out for a curry on saturday night and he'll be staying overnight. We tend to do this every other weekend and then sometimes he'll come down for a few hours during the week too on his day off but it's starting to get where the only time we speak to each other is when we're actually doing something. It's like the only purpose of it is the fortnightly visit and something to do on his day off. I don't see that there's much else to it yet the other day he's on about us buying eternity rings for each other. I don't know if he's just going along with "the storyline" or if he genuinely doesn't see a problem with it.

buzzsore Thu 16-Jun-11 11:50:39

Hmm, I think after the post about eternity rings, you'd be better telling him 'this isn't working out, sorry, bye' rather than the fizzle. He might actually think everything's fine.

ShoutyHamster Thu 16-Jun-11 11:59:20

Yes - end it. Mentally you will feel more honest, I think - your heart's not in it now, yet if you met someone tomorrow that you totally clicked with, you'd hesitate in pursuing it perhaps, or pursue then feel guilty that you'd 'used him' until someone better came along. For your own history, end it honourably smile

Don't feel too sorry for him by the way - he sounds either exceedingly feeble or is doing the same to you - keeping you on the back burner until something better comes along! Eternity rings indeed - anyone with half an eye knows that this isn't a relationship that's going anywhere. Including him, unless he is a proper old numpty.

Fall on your sword, brave soldier grin

Ah. In that case, what you need to discuss and spell out clearly is that neither of you is under any obligation to remain monogamous and both of you are free to date and have sex with other people. That's a set up that can work very well if both particpants feel the same way, though if one person is hanging in there hoping for the other to 'fall in love; with him/her then it's better to call a firm halt before it deteriorates into whining, stalking and a loss of dignity all round.

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