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trying to reestablsih a relationship with ex while he is still with OW

(85 Posts)
morepositive Thu 16-Jun-11 08:59:19

I have loitered in the back ground since joining after my husband left for OW a few months ago. I have gained great strength from reading the posts and the fantastic advice form others.
I am on AD which are starting to work .My EH and I had a complex relationship with lots of ups and downs etc.
I was beyond shocked when he left and for the first time in our volatile history I do believe it is over. He has never as far as I know had an affair before.
However I have had a few counseling session and have decided despite what he’s done and the fact he is with OW I am going to quietly fight for my man
I’m sure most of you will think I am mad .But in my sessions we talked about what would I find easier to deal with
- him out of my life and no contact other than odd text about children , who are old enough to see their dad without intervention fom m

-to maintain a relationship with him of some sorts, which may or may not over time lead to more

I decide being with him makes me happier even now than not being with him.We still laugh together, talk together, he says he loves me but can’t be with me

My therapist believes it is worth a try
We had not bees speaking for a couple of weeks after a series of awful arguments and I was trying to detach.
However when he arrived to pick upDS I went outside to speak to him. He said he hates us rowing, wants us to be friends, better for all of us especially DS
When he comes tonight to pick up DS , he has said he will fix a problem with computer. I feel with no pressure on him, no mentioning of OW who will be insane if she finds out we are reestablishing a relationship, we can bit by bit restore our friendship and see where that leads us.
I’m sure lots of people will think I’m mad but I’m really interested to know if anyone else absolutely though it was over, no going back and has been able to turn it around
And if any one has any GOOD advice
Thanks so much

akaEmmaFrost Thu 16-Jun-11 10:05:22

Well my ex was a total pig, numerous other women, abusive in so many ways, a real fucker of a man. BUT since I forced him out and he finally realised I was not like his Mum ie desperate to hang onto "her man" he does seem to have changed and we do have a friendship of sorts. He adores his kids so will do anything for me that will make life easier for them iyswim. So if I need a repair doing or something needs replacing then he will do it quite happily because it benefits them.

I would never in a million years live with him again though or be involved in a relationship other than friendship with strong boundaries.

My advice to you would be to stop trying to make a friendship. Just be normal and civil, if he is non abusive this should be quite easy. Don't go out of your way to be "friendly", just be normal. Avoid the hot spots. Dont talk or ask about OW she is irrelevant to your life as it is now. Don't worry about what she might be thinking about your relationship with your ex, honestly who cares? All that matters is making sure you provide your ds with a stable life.

SingOut Thu 16-Jun-11 10:17:01

I hate to break it to you, but someone who can do that to you doesn't love you (or not much), and it's not that he CAN'T be with you, he just doesn't want to be.

I'd suggest getting some dignity and finding a new therapist.

SpringchickenGoldBrass Thu 16-Jun-11 10:24:15

Your therapist is a fucking idiot. This man does not want to be with you. If he is saying he 'wants to be friends' what he means is he wants you hanging on in the background so he's always got somewhere to go to get his dinner cooked and his cock sucked if he squabbles with his current partner.
Trying to 'fight for' a relationship with someone who has dumped you is a waste of time and makes you look like a desperate loser with no self-esteem.

It is, of course, fine to want to have a civil relationship with him ie be amicable rather than hating each other as you have DC in common. That's a good thing to aim for. But stop thinking of him as a romantic/sexual partner. He doesn't want you, he wants someone else. You need to move on.

perfumedlife Thu 16-Jun-11 10:28:01

'Good' advice is not always easy advice though. The good advice is to stop on this road you are headed. The therapist is indulging your fantasy imo. I think it's hard enough dealing with a break up without dragging it out and kidding yourself on like this.

When he said those words at drop off, he was expressing relief that there were fewer battles, that he wants to remain civil, not that he wanted to rebuild a relationship, not in the way you think.

I do completely empathise with your pain though. I consider myself a very stong woman, and yet when my ex and I broke up years ago the only way I could deal with it, the only way I could look ahead was to think, ' ok, the sooner he moves on, meets someone and marries, the sooner he will see it was a mistake, get divorced and we can work it out' shock Ludicrous, utterly stupid, but oddly comforting. It bought me time I suppose, while my subcounsious worked out that actually, being apart was the best thing and when time had gone by I looked around and felt free.

So yes, sometimes whatever gets you through the night can work, but it can also be very damaging, deluding yourself. He is with ow, that may last, may not, you can't let your life be on hold indefinately.

buzzsore Thu 16-Jun-11 11:16:53

I think you should focus on making a happy life for yourself without him. If you spend your time scheming and overthinking every word you exchange with your ex, you'll drive yourself loopy. Take what he says at face-value - of course it's better if you can be civil and helpful to one another. It's better for everyone. Don't read things into it.

It may be that he will realise the grass isn't greener and want to come back, but he's far more likely to do that if you're happy & sorted & don't seem needy.

Amicable is good, but don't get over-friendly and don't fall into bed with him should the opportunity arise - the chances are it won't make him come back, but it will make you feel like utter shit and used, when he gets back up and goes back to the OW. He won't value anything that comes too easily. He should want to work to get back with you.

DuelingFanjo Thu 16-Jun-11 11:22:39

I think your therapist is very wrong if he/she is encouraging you to hang on to romantic feelings or emotional ties to your husband! However I can see the value in maintaining a friendly relationship without bitterness while moving forward.

MariaMaria1984 Thu 16-Jun-11 13:50:57

great advice from perfumedlife, I am going through a similar(ish) situation, so I really take on board what you are saying. I have, like you been hanging on to the hope that H will come back after realising he had made a mistake, but having been through nearly 3 months of limbo, I have made the decision to make a break, and accept his decision. Heartbreaking at first, I think its just important to concentrate on being an excellent mother, and a stronger woman from this. The best advice I have been given, as cliche as it sounds, is that everything happens for reason. And one day, someone will walk into your life that will make you realise why things didn't work out with your H. God knows I am hanging onto that sentiment! You just need to focus your attention on yourself and your kids for now.

The other thing to remember OP, is if you DID somewhere down the line patch things up, do you really think that you could trust him not to do this again??

HerHissyness Thu 16-Jun-11 14:47:25

Any relationship you go on to have with this man will be 100% separate to the one you already had with him IYSWIM. You can never, ever go back to how it was before.

Regardless of your future, whether it has him romantically involved or not, YOU personally need to detach, regroup, know yourself, be alone and process the hurt this man has inflicted on you.

I understand that you want him back, but the 'back' bit can never happen, it'd be a new relationship, leaving the past behind and forgiving all.

You need to work on you for the moment. Please don't go down this path, you will destroy yourself.

Renaissance227 Thu 16-Jun-11 15:04:00

Why? Why? Why? He is still with the OW, having a life with the OW, sleeping with the OW, and telling you he wants to be friends.
Can you not see that he has moved on but wants to be civil?
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get a new therapist and a new attitude and MOVE ON. DO NOT come over to this using, cheating, lying man as a desperate woman who can not cope without him no matter what he has done.
Think of your children and act with some dignity and self respect.
By the way, you may not like this post but "GOOD ADVICE" isn't always exactly what we want to hear.
I truely hope you can move on and create a new and happy life for yourself.

ClangingBangers Thu 16-Jun-11 15:07:43

The thing is maria, that doesnt have to be a man. It might be any number of things walking into your life later that makes it good and happy; new friends, a horse, a new hobby you are passionate about, discovering baking or woodwork.

It's not advisable to think that a new man is going to rock up one day and make it all better again.

Men fuck things up mostly.

meltedchocolate Thu 16-Jun-11 15:16:32

I am sorry morepositive but I don't think you are thinking clearly. He does not want you. You need to get your dignity back, think straight and SACK your therapist. I am shocked s/he is giving you such awful advice. Makes you worry about motives. If you try to do this with your ex you will lose all self respect and only have more heartbreak. I do hope the time you waste trying to get him back (you wont) will give you chance to think more rationally.

morepositive Thu 16-Jun-11 15:53:58

ithanks for all the responses. I hear and undestand what everyone is saying But i really do love him and i know i am probably going to end up even more hurt but i can't imagine my life without him init and he has said the same to me but that we don't work as a couple.
i'm even at the stage where i don't care about her i just need to spend some time with him

SpringchickenGoldBrass Thu 16-Jun-11 16:15:12

Oh dear MP. SOrry but you are heading for total humiliation and considerable misery, and, actually, if you don't get a grip, some of what you suffer will be your own fault.
This man doesn't want you. He's trying to make this clear to you. He doesn't even seem to be that much of a shit, he just doesn't want you.
If you refuse to accept this you will make yourself increasingly unhappy, lose all your dignity and might even end up with a criminal record if you start to stalk him.
Get over it. You have no other option.

MizzyFizzy Thu 16-Jun-11 16:23:21

I'm wondering if you need to change your AD's OP...not all of them suit everyone.

At the moment you seem to be saying that you want this man at any cost and I can't imagine any therapist worth anything sanctioning that sort of thinking or behaviour.

CoteDAzur Thu 16-Jun-11 16:24:20

morepositive - He doesn't want to be with you. He does want to be friendly for the sake of the kids and his access to them, I imagine.

Please ditch that therapist.

BluddyMoFo Thu 16-Jun-11 16:25:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieScarlett2833 Thu 16-Jun-11 16:27:13

As my mum always said "It's not what they say, it's what they do." Words are just words.

If he loved you he wouldn't have cheated and left you for another woman. He clearly can imagine his life with another woman, because he is doing it.

Sorry to be so blunt but you are setting yourself out for a lifetime of pain.

perfumedlife Thu 16-Jun-11 16:32:37

morepositive can I ask you a difficult question, which of course feel free to ignore? Are you drinking too much these days to ease the pain? The reason I wondered this is, it can really cloud your judgement, not that the heartbreak doesn't do that already, but it can skew it so badly.

When I first broke up with ex, I drank to sleep, drank to cry, drank to smile, drank to remember, drank to forget. I wrote things down, and on reading them sober was horrified. And I mean horrified ! It can work in the immediate aftermath of a break up, help you let of steam but in no way helps you move forward long term. I got a grip when i woke up one afternoon to find a tree in my bed. confused There had been the mother of all storms the night before and loads of damage, I slept through it all and was lucky the tree landed on the wrong side of the bed. Didn't even hear it crash through the window!

Point is, I realised then that my time for disecting the break up was over and I had to get moving forward. I did a part time course and met great new people who didn't know my ex, I was a fresh new person to them. It really helped. I think there can be a danger in counselling sometimes, inthat it can prolong the naval gazing. Sometimes things are what they are and analysing them doesn't help. Being busy is age old advice because it really works.

steelchic Thu 16-Jun-11 16:36:15

Hi I know what your going through as I'm in exactly the same situation.
The advice given by the ladies is good advice ( they have advised me to do the same) but like you I find in so hard to detach and move on. I have 2 kids aged 7 and 11 so he is around alot. My H moved out in Feb according to him our relationship was crap for at least 2 years. I knew it wasn't perfect but it was better than most relationships It really went down hill last October (ish)
which was then I have since found out he met HER.I've learned through MN that this is him trying to justify what he has done and not that we had a bad relationship. We went to couples councelling but as he was unwilling to give her up(until he was sure that we could 100% work things out and be happy) the counciller could't really help so we gave up.
It does get easier( I have had one day this week when I haven't cried). Try to focus on how badly he has treated you. I'm just starting to come out of the denial stage and I can't believe the lovely man I married 10 years ago would do what he has done to his family but then as the ladies have pointed out he is not the same man.(I would have never married such a selfish git)
I do still love him and I would love him to come back. I still can't imagine him not being in my life. He helps with the kids and if I need anything he is here like a shot, I though this was a sign of him wanting to be back but I now think it's guilt and it makes him feel better if he does as I ask.
At first I was desperate I would have had him back at any cost but now I'm not so sure. I don't know if I could trust him again , I told him at first if he came back I would never cast anything up, but I am human and I know I would (a lot). As as been pointed out by Herhissyness it would have to be a new relationship (thanks for that I have never looked at it that way before ) . Try and work on your confidence (as I am trying) and believe you are worth more.
Sorry to bore you with my story but I think it helps to know that others are going through the same.
I hope you get through this I know its hard I really do. Take a step back be friendly and see what happens but don't put your life on hold (I will try to take my own advice)


SpringchickenGoldBrass Thu 16-Jun-11 16:55:12

You could direct some of that energy into complaining about your therapist if s/he really advised you that it was 'worth a try' to pursue a man who has left you for a new partner. S/he has no right to give you such dreadful advice. It's not possible to 'win' back someone who has decided that a relationship with you is over and not what that person wants any more. Not only that, but trying to do so is wrong. People have a right to end relationships they no longer want to be in, for whatever reason.

littletreesmum Thu 16-Jun-11 18:42:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

revolutionscoop Thu 16-Jun-11 19:01:22

It probably feels like people have been unkind to you on this thread, but I honestly agree, having been in this sort of situation myself, that the best thing for your own sanity would be to put as much space between yourself & XH as possible. Ideally, go cold turkey, have no personal contact with him whatsoever. Get someone else to fix your computer. Trust me, a 'friendship' in this sort of situation, where the two parties have completely different agendas/expectations is never going to work, and is only going to make you miserable.

BelleDameSansMerci Thu 16-Jun-11 19:11:47

I really believe that many men just want an easy, trouble free existence and will do almost anything to achieve this - that includes pretending that they still love someone/care about someone because they do not want to deal with the hurt and pain that their honesty will cause. I'm sorry but I think that your ex is simply saying what he knows you want to hear in order to "keep you sweet". I also think your therapist is giving you dangerous advice and I am very surprised that she/he is advising you to try to continue with a relationship that will surely hurt you very much indeed.

I also wonder if part of your thinking is that you will "win" if he comes back to you and thus get one over on the OW...

Saffysmum Thu 16-Jun-11 19:44:49

Did your therapist really support this daft decision of yours? Really? Or are you reading more into what she said? If she did say this...then she should be struck off. Sorry, but what she's supporting here is madness...and I work with many therapists.

You are his safety net. Whilst you want him back, he's got the very best of both worlds. Plan A: make it work with current woman. Plan B: go back to you.

I know I sound horrible and harsh, but please love, don't allow yourself to be treated like this. Why do you really feel you are so unworthy, that having him back is the best option for you? Think about that, please.

Do you really want him back, or do you want to hurt the OW? Remember, she owes you nothing - she made no vows or promises to you - but he vowed/promised you everything. He's to blame here. He made the choices. He wants to keep his options open. He is not worthy of you. Get a new therapist, and think about why you are prepared to settle for someone who treats you so appallingly.

Sorry if I'm being hard - but I really want you to help yourself here.

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