Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

he told me he is in love with me.. after a month!

(52 Posts)
hariboegg Thu 16-Jun-11 08:21:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hurryup Thu 16-Jun-11 08:25:39

run run run. I had a relationship with someone that had just left his girlfriend of 10 years. He promised the sun, moon and stars and professed undying love. I didn't believe him but it still hurts like fuck when a few weeks later he decided it was all a mistake and he didn't mean it.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 16-Jun-11 08:26:56

By don't question it do you mean you have said "you can't be" and he has said "but I am, I know my own feelings?" or something else?

can you talk more about feeling like he's needy, because I think that (and the short time after his divorce) is the key.

lubeybooby Thu 16-Jun-11 08:30:48

Ok so maybe not love but it's definitely possible to have infatuation, feelings, very strong feelings and the beginnings of love. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where it's taken them much longer than that to declare love. I don't think it's a massive problem at all!

meltedchocolate Thu 16-Jun-11 08:49:44

I don't think it is a massive problem either. I think you should acknowledge he has said it but tell him you are not there yet. Why does he seem more needy than you? He is divorced, the other side of divorce, so presumably been on his own for a bit and accepted the divorce? Go slow but I don't think this should end it. My dad told my mum he loved her after the SECOND date (!!) and she ran away. Thankfully they met again two years later and was married 9 months after that. Here they are, 28 years down the line perfectly happy. Some guys are just very soppy, as are some women.

davidtennantsmistress Thu 16-Jun-11 08:54:20

i'm 50/50 on this one tbh, an ex told me that after 2 weeks or so - v v early shoud have sat up then and said hang on but got swept along. wasn't a good outcome.

dp said it after a month (one date one weekend and copious long calls prior/0 and I wasn't worried at all as it felt different. currently expecting first dc and both besotted with each other - so guess it depends how YOU feel not him.

2rebecca Thu 16-Jun-11 09:24:49

I can usually tell if I'm in love with someone within a month after spending alot of time with them.
After all if I'm not in love with someone why would I be spending loads of time with someone and sleeping with them?
Doesn't mean I'll love them forever, but that at that point I am in love with them. I think there are different types of love.
The being in love with someone bit either comes early or not at all with me.
To me it's the "spark" in a relationship. If that wasn't there after a month I'd probably finish the relationship as it would be like going out with my brother or a casual friend.

Look at how he behaves, not so much what he says. Bear in mind that some people say 'I love you' to everyone and mean 'I like you/thank you/that was a great shag/you're a great person' ie it's not that big a deal to them.
If he's saying it and piling on pressure to move in/get married, be wary. If he's saying it and trying to restrict your behaviour ie not wanting to go out/see friends or family because you can stay in with him and Be In Love, or if he's starting with the 'If you love me then you'll do what I want' then dump his sorry arse and run. But if you're generally having a good time together then relax and enjoy it.

buzzsore Thu 16-Jun-11 11:23:55

What springchicken said.

LeQueen Thu 16-Jun-11 11:39:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer Thu 16-Jun-11 11:39:25

I have only had 5 serious sexual relationships in my life, and they have all lasted at least a year. "I love you" has always been said within a couple of weeks, usually by the man. None of them ever turned out to be abusive, just - inexplicably in my view - keen.

I expect that like SGB says, it was more an expression of "thanks for the shag" or "please shag me," but it was nice at the time and not indicative of any lurking nastiness whatsoever.

I think the red flag here is your feelings. If you felt the same about him, you would be delighted. But the fact that you are worrying about it, wondering if it means something bad, makes me think that you are Just Not That Into Him.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 16-Jun-11 13:24:02

DP professed his love for me very quickly (date 3 I think?), and while I was a bit hmm at the time it's now 3 years later and we're getting married.

I'd say approach with caution, but less because of him saying 'I love you' after a month than him being 3 months out of a divorce.

MidnightsChild Thu 16-Jun-11 13:30:55

I agree, when you know there's something special going on, you might think "its too soon to say it", but you are unlikely to be freaked by it. There have been two occasions when I've had it said to me ... it was too early, but I knew it wasn't a lie. One was the man I love to this day and who loved me till the day he died (despite our inability to maintain a relationship other than friendship); the second one ... well, I hope that when life stops chucking lemons at him, we'll have the chance to find out.

flooziesusie Thu 16-Jun-11 13:53:13

If it feels right, let it be right. If not, listen to your instincts.

Someone asked me to marry them after one month... We are still married 8 years later...

I was getting divorced at the time too...

ohmyfucksy Thu 16-Jun-11 13:58:00

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag. I knew I loved H after a month (but I didn't say it - I waited for him to say it first which took a few months)

MooMooFarm Thu 16-Jun-11 14:03:27

It would worry me TBH. A month is no time at all (unless you're 15).

I would also worry about somebody having so much time available that they are free to see me all the time when we've only just met. I would wonder why he doesn't have friends or family he sees regularly, or any activities, sports, whatever that he does on a regular basis.

Over time, yes, you make more and more time for each other, but when you've just met, surely there should be other things going on.

Sorry for being a cynical old moo smile

strawberryjelly Thu 16-Jun-11 14:04:31

it's only an problem surely if
a) you really care for him and you are frightened you'll be hurt
b) you don't care for him (yet? at all?) and don't want to hurt him.

The combination of only 3 months' divorced ( but presumably 2 years separation already?) and a declaration may be a bit quick- but TBH as you have spotted this, you seem to be prepared for it to be infatuation/lust.

Love might follow- but who knows- does anyone come with a guarantee whether they say it after a month or a year?

stop worrying.

toddlerama Thu 16-Jun-11 14:28:11

DH told me he loved me and wanted to marry me after less than 2 weeks dating. We had been in the same social circle for about 2 years so he knew some stuff about me, but I wouldn't have said he knew me well. He loved what he did know. I felt the same way, but I'm way cooler than him so I didn't blurt it out grin

8 years later, we've been married for 6 years and have 2 beautiful DDs. I love him more now than I did 8 years ago, but I did love him 8 years ago.

HerHissyness Thu 16-Jun-11 14:39:42

Read this List of Red Flags

If ANYTHING else resonates at all you need to distance yourself.

carriedababi Thu 16-Jun-11 14:41:25

alarm bells would be ringing for me.

thumbwitch Thu 16-Jun-11 14:43:19

It's a tricky one - you've also flagged that your talks have got "too heavy" already - is he pushing you for info or is he giving too much out himself? If he's only been divorced 3m, and thinks he's in love with you already, I think it has the potential to be a bit dangerous.
But he might just be too keen.

Stay wary - don't fall for the charm offensive - and if he does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and then apologises for it, back off and run away.

thumbwitch Thu 16-Jun-11 14:45:01

Glad HerHissyness found the list I was searching for - there are plenty of them on Google if you search for Dating Red Flag list - and rapid declaration of love is one.

colditz Thu 16-Jun-11 14:57:50

You can be in love with someone after a month. BF and I were in lovce within a month, and still going strong 26 months later

Mind you, he's fairly newly divorced. He might be a bit desperate for 'love' by which he means regular sex and domestic service. Some people are crap at being alonem and in the case of some men it's because they basically want a woman to provide them with home comforts, regular meals as well as ego-stroking and cocksucking.
Again, don't panic but don't sleepwalk into more commitment than you actually want (with this man or any man) either.

MissDemeanor Thu 16-Jun-11 15:47:23

Enjoy the honeymoon period grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now