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How do I forgive a disloyal dishonest husband?

(17 Posts)
theringleader Thu 16-Jun-11 03:52:53

I want to make this work as does he, but I fear I can never learn to trust again. We have a child who is 2, and not a lot of family help. I dont know how to get over being so angry...

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 16-Jun-11 03:55:25

It depends what he's done, really. Cheated on you?

SirSugar Thu 16-Jun-11 06:43:58

first you have to think about whether you love him, only you know this. Then, stop trying to work out what hes thinking.

Think about what you want in your life.

Tell him honestly what you think at all times and expect the same of him; chuck him out if necessary and put him on a level playing field with every other bloke on the planet.don't play any games with him.

Once you 'separate' yourself from him then you can begin to find out whether he is going to be worthy of your trust again.

you could always look at it like this; you thought he was a devoted subject, hes committed treason, you are the queen and you can decide if its off with his head

remember though, don't play any games to find out, they only serve to muddy the water and take as long as you need

HappyWoman Thu 16-Jun-11 09:54:34

Yes it does depend on what trust was broken.
I think trust has many levels - try and think of some of the ways you do trust him. ie - with money, with your child, with even small things like doing cooking and washing. We all have levels of trust. ie I can trust my h with money and getting lots of things done for example, but I would not trust him to choose outfits for the children. It may sound silly but find some things that you do trust him on and that may be the reason you still love him.
Also dont repress your anger of what he has done - however unreasonable you may feel about that, You should not have to control your anger or your emotions and if he tries to tell you that you are 'silly' for feeling anger,sadness or any other thing you are feeling then he is wrong.
However directing all your anger at him may not be contructive to mending the realationship so you need to find other ways of dealing with that.
sometimes writing it down helps, sometimes exercise can help.
Take the time to find what will work for you.
He is the one who needs to earn your trust remember it is not up to you to try to trust him - time will help though for both of those things.
One other thing is to take this 'chance' to know this is what you want - you dont have to put up with someone who is making you angry or a situation you are not happy with. Once you accept that you have a choice you may find the anger easier to handle.

MySweetAnnie Thu 16-Jun-11 10:05:30

Do you think he will do it again. Not now, or tomorrow, or next week. I'm sure you know him well enough to make that decision.

theringleader Thu 16-Jun-11 22:58:57

I dont trust him because I found out he was sexting someone locally, sending naked pictures, and emailing while I was at work (I found a text regarding them meeting up to have sex-) not mention looking at porn all night after I went to bed. This was occuring the same time he was trying to have another baby with me! SO, its not like we werent having sex. But, no more children in our future-he still thinks we are going to have another one. I feel like I will end up raising them myself while hes out gallavanting. Hes blaming me because I dont give him enough attention and not enough praise or sex. Right. I feel than no-one is entitled to receiving these things from me until he respects me. I asked for basic respect of my needs and feelings and he turned them down as the " werent important" to him.

buzzsore Thu 16-Jun-11 23:07:29

Well he's not giving you a lot to work with, is he? He's not prepared to consider your feelings in any way, but expects sex, affection and trust, despite having treated you poorly and having arranged to meet someone for sex?

Why do you want to work on forgiving a man who isn't in the least bit sorry for what he's done, blames you for everything and doesn't think your feelings are important?

buzzsore Thu 16-Jun-11 23:08:42

If he wanted it to work, he'd be taking responsibility and showing how much your feelings matter to him.

fizzfiend Thu 16-Jun-11 23:10:15

er...what? Your needs and feelings are not important to him? You cannot be serious? They should be of prime importance to the most important adult in his life..what is going on with him.

Before I read that, I was about to give him a chance by saying that maybe he felt that sex with you was just making babies. That can kill any passion or spontenaity....been there done that. As a DH your happiness should be as important as his own. You need to get to the bottom of this...what does he really want? If he won't open up, counselling it must be..
So sorry you are going through this crap.

SirSugar Thu 16-Jun-11 23:20:41

off to the tower with him then

theringleader Fri 17-Jun-11 00:15:42

Thank you,
His complaint with me is that I dont give him enough attention and praise. He needs more thn the average person. About as much as my 2 year old requires. He wants sex like we did when we were in the first few months of the relationship. His behaviour has turned me off. He thinks I emasculate him because I bring up that hes lousy with money- he is in a ton of debt from college yet he went out and purchased a vacation condo for $12,000.00 after I asked him not to. I have had to pay late fees on his bills because they were getting worse and worse. I have never asked him for money. I have my own seperate account. He has money to spend on the nude models, art supplies etc meanwhile the house is still covered in lead paint! I dont want to totally demonize and bash him here as he has some good qualities but his actions indicate I am not important at all. I hope a counselor can help.

AnyFucker Fri 17-Jun-11 07:19:03

I don't think you should even be trying to make this work

he doesn't sound worth it, and that it would be you doing all the work

dump him and find someone else to have more babies with

buzzsore Fri 17-Jun-11 08:38:19

Maybe a counsellor for you to help you see you & your child deserve better than this. I don't think relationship counselling is the way to go.

Renaissance227 Fri 17-Jun-11 14:43:44

I couldn't stay with a man who had been doing that!
Sorry but I would be out of the door and he could keep his cheap women. I would NEVER trust him again!

Emandwilliam Fri 17-Jun-11 17:51:05

Sorry but he sounds like a twat!

dittany Fri 17-Jun-11 17:57:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sofadweller Fri 17-Jun-11 19:55:23

"Disloyal and dishonest"

Think you summed him up pretty well in your title.

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