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Team work?(3 Posts)
My husband travels alot, and hasn't been as involved as would be perfect with our son (now 6 months) to date. We live overseas and he wasn't there for the 3rd trimester or pre-birth classes, he missed the birth (due to early arrival and snow closing Heathrow not because of his not wanting to), he traveled somewhat during the early months which I found quite difficult. He works in development and we live overseas, and he is certainly a great and caring person. However, I'm stuck at home alot, and have to date had limited access to getting out and about, or meeting people since the birth which is also when we arrived in our current posting. So, I have and have had masses of time with our son, and he so far has had little comparitively, as even when we're in the same country, our son is asleep by the time he gets home from work. Also, I think he was a bit scared of our son, and left me to look after him at first and until recently. Also I EBF and didn't express, so I always fed him. Two things have happened, I feel I'm becoming slightly resentful, I feel I'm somewhat of a single parent, and husband is feeling really left out, lacking confidence and like he's made many mistakes (mainly not being there) and been traveling alot. Also, how often should he go out with friends? I can't get out on the evenings myself as I don't have a car, or a babysitter. I don't want to confine my husband though at all, and previously we had many interests. We love each other and our son very much, but we're wondering how we should balance life and balance each other - including couple time which we've had lots of but not quality now. (Finding babysitters is difficult and we live a million miles from family or real friends). Can anyone suggest how we can move forward from here? Ideas would be most welcome, for how he can become more involved with our son at this stage, how I can stop feeling any resentment and how we can become more of a team and work together from here on. Thank you.
Have you discussed EXACTLY how you are feeling with your husband?
Does he go our a lot with friends/colleagues?
How come you can't get out and about that easily? (I realise you have no car but are you really that far away from any civilisation?!
the good news is that your DS will get more and more interesting and easy for your DH to play with from now on (rather than being a kind of extension of your breast).
the bad news is that you sometimes have to employ some wiles to kick start the relationship.
my suggestion is enforced solo time between DH and DS, perhaps at the weekend. Is DS eating one solid meal? (if not now; will be soon I guess) can you go out for a few hours and leave them to it with some mashed potato + selected toys (or maybe pumped milk)? I appreciate that it may be difficult where you're living; but perhaps you have a friend you could go out with for a drink or chat? Or a friend you would like to make? Or alternatively send the DH and DS out for a few hours?
Without your beady eyes on him DH can make his own mistakes and have a little father/ son adventure.
in terms of how often DH should go out; I think it depends a lot on how often he's home, what you would feel comfortable with. and perhaps whether he can repay the favour and let you out too. Ideally you should also go out together as you mention but if you don't yet trust local babysitters it's complicated....
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