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Would really appreciate some help and support

(17 Posts)
Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 18:56:59

where do I start?

I have today given DP an ultimatum-it's us (me DS(4) DD (not quite 1) or the drink. This was prompted by a three day bender last Friday to Sunday,the highlight of which was him attempting to get someone to deliver coke to our home sat morning. After I said I don't think so him and his mate fucked off back out to the pub

I feel sick writing this

I left Saturday, to our other home and have been here since, I wasn't hanging around for the mess to arrive back home

This is just the straw that will ( seemingly) break the camel's back

I've just ordered Lundy bancrofts book but really I don't need to read it to know he definitely has abusive traits. We have also been at this crossroads before. He has never been able to give up drinkIng. It is too ingrained in his lifestlyle which unfortunately hasn't changed much since we have had children!

Don't know why I'm posting really just for some support really. I've never really felt like I'm being abused because I am an incredibly strong person in many ways. I think the reason why I have finally given him an ultimatum is the fact that my son is four now, I don't want him to be exposed to this behaviour or think that it is acceptable

He still hasn't replied to my ultimatum I would like to think it's because hes giving it serious consideration unfortunately it's more likely that he's down the pub haha. I know where this is going to lead though because he won't be able to five up the booze or stock to it

I may need some advice on a practical level when he does get in touch in relation to our assets. Everything is in my name but I doubt whether he would move out until we sold etc what a catch huh hmm

Thanks for listening. I haven't spoken to anybody in rl about this yet

crispyseaweed Wed 15-Jun-11 19:18:34

Sorry to hear things are bad Pikel.
Sounds like its going to be tough to get DH off the booze.
Good for you ... moving out. You did the right thing. You dont want your DS to be exposed to his drunken behaviour and drugs etc. When he is 5 yrs and at school it can get embarrassing when he keeps telling teachers "Dad came back from the pub, drunk again, and mum was cross...." Kids let slip it all....
Well done that everything is in ur name...keep it that way and dont give DH a penny.

Sound like your DH needs a good kick up the arse. He has 2 children , and doesnt deserve any.
You deserve better....
Stay strong, in control and be assertive. He is a total prat.

cjel Wed 15-Jun-11 19:35:53

Hope you are doing ok. You have made the right choice. Even if he comes back and says he will give up the drink/drugs you must stay apart until you are satisfied he has really changed not just said he will, May be better fir dcs not to have to cope with withdrawal etc. Hope you can get the support you need. Try telling someone in RL and it might make it essier for you to stay firm.xxx

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 19:37:02

Thanks so much for replying crispyseaweed

I've told him exactly that about children being all hearing all seeing, with a tendency to repeat everything! I think that's also what has prompted this-DP doesn't generally smack DS but he would like to as a form of discipline. I'm constantly having to convince him this shouldn't be how it's done. I said to him recently 'why would you want
To do that he's your son'. Recently when I done something to DS he didn't like DS said 'why did you do that I'm your son'. It broke my heart. This certainly isn't how I envisioned 'family life'

There are many other things and I've finally had enough

I would walk away tomorrow and let him keep everything-none of it is worth my children's happiness. I also know I'm capable of building it all up again

The thing is it wouldn't be too difficult coping on my own as I'm do 95% of everything anyway! I'm just gutted that my children's family will be broken up, sad that I didn't even notice what a nob he was before I bore his children. But then I wouldn't would I? That's the name of an abusers game isn't it. Big sigh

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 19:41:56

Thank you cjel

You're right I think at some point I need to speak someone in rl. It's hard though you know admitting that our family is breaking up etc. I also know he will be a complete arsehole during selling the house etc and I'm dreading it

humptydidit Wed 15-Jun-11 19:56:17

pykel

come join us on this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1219427-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships?reverse=1

we are all in or survivors of abusive relationships!

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 20:01:09

Hi humpty.. It's on my watch list! Been avidly reading it along with many other appropriate threads... See you in a bit. Thanks for replying

Loie159 Wed 15-Jun-11 20:04:41

well done you..... it si so important as you know for your children to have a stable family life..... ideally that would be with both parents, but if 1 of them isnt able to deliver that - what the hell was he thinking would happen to his DC whislt he was out on a bender???- then it really is better for that person to not live with them. It is very sad and Im so sorry for you having to go through this with such little children. but you are right you dont want your children to think that is OK. He is also not showing you any respect by just expecting you to pick up the slack when he feels like going out , and you dont want your children to see that..... Before you finally decide what to do re splitting thimgs why dont you go and see a family law solicitor for some advice as they would tell you legally what you were entitled to do. You could if you cant afford to pay for it apply for Legal Aid to assist with this. It might sound extreme but you dont have to give someone who does nothing to help you or your children anything..... stay strong and dont agree to anything until you know whats what.... sorry for bad typing but on a laptop!!! good luck and stay strong. dont be scared to tell your famil y - by being resonspible and looking after your kids you have nothing to be ashamed off , and I am sure that they will be desperate to help you when they realise what is going on. xx

humptydidit Wed 15-Jun-11 20:05:07

Pykel don't be upset about spoiling your kids mum, dad and 2.4 children family ideal... Trust me, as one who got out, the life my kids now is a million times better than what they had when we lived with ExH. And if I;m honest with myself, I would like to make it better, I mean, I'm not happy that everything is totally sorted, so hopefully it will get better still.

I'm certain that you are the same and you will be fine. The first emotion that I felt when I left was loss, like grief. I cried for hours about why didn't I get my happily ever after, like in the disney films, but it passed. Now on to cold hard anger at that bastard for behaving like he did!!

See you on the other thread soon
x

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 20:09:57

Hi loie and humpty thanks again for your replies. I d

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 20:18:05

Oopsie

I don't really know what I'm asking for but your I'm really grateful for your support smile

I think there are two options for the house really I move out until it's sold or he does! I know he will be an arsehole regarding selling though-he wouldn't put our children first if we were to try to sort out arrangements oh no I know that he would take it as animault that he would have to move out

I gave him the ultimatum today at about lunchtime he said he would have to have a think about what to do but he thought it was ridiculous to suggest that anybody could give up drinking but he didn't have a problem with me giving it up so I could look after our children did he!

And that is always how it is one picking up the slack it is a given - an it is ao disrespectful but he jut doesnt care anymore and I have got used to it. There are many more things but I don't need to recount them here...

The thing is it will be better if I tell somebody in rl because they will be able to help. As it stands everybody th

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 20:20:41

Sorry having trouble on iphOne

As it stands everybody in rl thinks he is lOvely and supportive so don't give me the help that I truly need. If everybody knew the truth they would help me so much more!

I'm not in to playing games and will not let my kids suffer so if he is being an arsehole I just pick up the slack

Really fucking annoyed though that he hasn't replied what sort of stupid fucking mind games is that? DS needs to go to nursery

humptydidit Wed 15-Jun-11 20:28:54

not to hot on all the financial stuff... but is the house in both your names? If it is, I think you are fine to move out and make him sell it but I'm not sure...

Maybe you should speak to a solicitor about the whole thing, use your free half hour of advise that they give to chat about your options.

If it's possible and you don't want to stay in the house and buy him out, I would say it would be easier all round if you moved out and get on with your life, although it won't be easy as you still have to be in contact with him until the finances are organised.

Good luck

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 20:46:22

Thank you pykel

Everything is in my name I just know he would be an arsehole and be difficult so I would just rather move out!

Just spoken to him he said 'perhaps I could give up drink

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 20:48:12

Argh iPhone!

'perhaps I could give up drinking for a year' which I guess could be a start if I want it-unsure id I do as even if he knocks the drink on the head I think he may just be an abusive arsehole anyway..

We are going to talk tomorrow

Pykel Wed 15-Jun-11 20:49:47

Thank you humpty gawd I'm not thinking straight IM pykel

Think I may go to bed now

Just so fed up with it

humptydidit Wed 15-Jun-11 20:58:11

pykel in the lundy bancroft book I think that he recommends that if you separate, taht you do it for a loooooooong time, not a few weeks but months.

If he could give up the drink then great maybe you have a chance but you have to give him time to show you how things will be iyswim... I mean anyone can put up a front for a few weeks or maybe even months. maybe you should separate and tell him to give up the drink for a whole year and then you will consider re-starting your relationship.

You never know at the end of a year, you might decide you don't want to be with him anyway, so you haven't lost anything but at least that gives him a decent amount of time to show that he has changed?

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