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DH is leaving me for someone else

(31 Posts)
Terrorteens Wed 15-Jun-11 16:19:18

My dh is leaving me for another woman, we have had probs for a while but where slowly working through it, we had a row lastnight and things came to a head and he told me he's met someone else at work. We have 3 kids and I am terrified. I still love him dearly and thought we was getting back on track do I wait for him to see sense or is it really over. If it wasn't for the kids I'd let him go but I've got to think of them. My parents live overseas I've no one I can turn to. My friends having the kids at the moment as he's coming home soon to collect some things and we need to get it out.
I need advise please what I need to do next.
Was posted on AIBU but was advised to post on here.

Since yesterday he as come to get his stuff don't know wheres he staying I keep asking about this woman but he stays silent. The kids are back home but I am a mess.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 15-Jun-11 16:28:29

I'm sorry this is happening. How old are your kids?

Is he going to be moving in with the ow?

Terrorteens Wed 15-Jun-11 16:30:14

Not sure if he is as he won't talk to me,its as though I am in the wrong and the guilt is on me and I have done nothing wrong.
My DC are 3,6,10

VivaLeBeaver Wed 15-Jun-11 16:32:00

I don't know what you ought to do next. You could ask him not to leave, try again, go to counselling. But I suspect he won't listen.

You can play it cool, pack his bags, remind him he needs to pay you 20 percent of his wages for the kids, get a new haircut and let him think you don't miss him one bit. He might realise what he's missing.

Do you really want him back after cheating on you?

buzzsore Wed 15-Jun-11 16:36:11

I think you'd do well to talk to a solicitor, so you can speak from a position of knowledge (even if it doesn't come to divorce). A lot do a free first half-hour consultation.

Your head must be wrecked, I'm so sorry.

eandz Wed 15-Jun-11 16:40:31

sad I'm sorry! The best advice I have is don't let him know he's hurting you. The most amount of dignity and self respect you can scrounge up right now is best. Treat him like a stranger. This isn't behaviour that the man you love would display and he is not the man you love. As much as you can, repeat to yourself that no matter who he has been to you, this is who he really is and he is doing this for himself. He doesn't care what sacrifices you have made for your marriage and he doesn't care about what it's doing to you or the kids right now. He cares about this new woman enough to go back on his vows to you and his commitment to your family. He is not worth the love, the tears or any extra heart felt sympathy.

You have done nothing wrong.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls Wed 15-Jun-11 16:42:29

Go and have a consultation with a solicitor to find out where you stand with all of the material things.
Take some time to decide what it is that YOU want out of this relationship now. Do not base your decisions on what you think would be best for the dc right now, and please remember that a happy Mummy will benefit them more than a shambles of a marriage filled with contempt and resentment. Put your feelings first and foremost as if you are satisfied with your decisions then you will be able to cope better.

Do not allow yourself to feel that you have done something wrong. He is abandoning his marriage and behaving poorly by refusing to speak with you.

No-one can tell you what to do for the best as we're not living your life.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 15-Jun-11 16:46:54

I am so sorry.

mumonline65 Wed 15-Jun-11 16:48:09

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It is so awful to have your H do this to you. I'm afraid I waited 4 years to see if my H saw sense. He never did. He just kept lying to me and it almost destroyed me.

I don't feel qualified to give you any advice as I did everything I shouldn't have. Just look after yourself and the kids and maybe he will realise what he is missing but don't hold your breath.

I'm sure you will get lots of good advice here too.

Take care

VivaLeBeaver Wed 15-Jun-11 16:50:00

Try not to let the kids see you upset, wait till they've gone to bed or school. Hope you have some friends who will help you.

expatinscotland Wed 15-Jun-11 16:51:06

This happened to my cousin, 2.5 years ago. Her ex is now marrying the OW, a person from work, of course.

It was awful, but my cousin has moved on.

He's still a twat for doing this.

Pumpernickel10 Wed 15-Jun-11 16:51:54

I am so sorry teens I am not qualified to tell you what to do,maybe get to the CAB and get some free advise there. Please don't blame yourself,this is not your fault,hes putting guilt on you as it makes him feel better.
Take care
((( hugs)))

eandz Wed 15-Jun-11 16:53:03

Yes, make sure to get as much of his money as possible. I don't know much about uk divorce law, but where I'm from we get 50% and then sue them for the rest.

pinkytheshrinky Wed 15-Jun-11 16:53:46

I am ever so sorry - this is a horrible time but you do need to see a solicitor and pack his bags and try to play it as cool as you can.

Try not to get into crying and begging but if you want to try again maybe write that in a letter so you know it has been said without the drama - you can both do without it and it wont change anything at all.

Just try to be practical - it is the only thing you can do in such an emotional situation so make sure you are protected financially and legally.

He is being an asshole to you - you deserve much better treatment than this so please try and take a bit of control back. Do try to eat well and take care of yourself because it will help you to cope.

southofthethames Wed 15-Jun-11 17:02:25

I'm so sorry to hear this, Terrorteens. ((Hugs)). Have you got a close friend/relative (s) that know you and your DCs well that you can vent to? (but who will not interfere). My only tips:
1) Go to a CAB (online on the directgov website also) to find out about your rights and where you stand.
2) Quick look at Relate's website to see if anything there helps.
3) Find a good solicitor who will fight your corner and not charge you ridiculous amounts to do so (this is the bit which is not fun - you might have to ask divorced friends if the lawyer they had did a good job). Get as much funds out of him as possible (you'll need for the kids) and make sure you are 100% happy with custody/access arrangements before agreeing to anything.
And make sure you take a day out at some point to have fun with the kids to get a bit of space and respite from all this.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin Wed 15-Jun-11 17:03:28

' If it wasn't for the kids I'd let him go but I've got to think of them'

That's why you need to take the advice above and play it cool. You can't make someone stay. See a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to in the way of support and how to handle the bills etc. Have you got joint accounts? Will the mortgage be paid and where will the money for next weeks groceries come from? I know that you feel like you're falling apart but these things need to be sorted.

Your children don't need a drama played out in their home. They need you to put your feelings aside whilst you sort out the practicalities.

Sapphirefling Wed 15-Jun-11 17:05:56

For tonight, stay calm and stay focused. Let him go tonight. Then when the kids get home, tell tham that daddy has to work away and they'll see him soon. Then put them to bed and collapse in a heap on the floor and cry yourself senseless.
Then post on here for some more support. Youy WILL get through this.
Don't ask him anything about this woman. She is NOTHING to you and you don't need to know anything about her right now becasue you won't here anything that will make you feel a damn bit better.
Take one hour at a time, then one day at a time.
Let him go tonight - you deserve better than this and however things pan out, don't beg him to stay because he won't. Stay strong and post again soon.

LeQueen Wed 15-Jun-11 18:08:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eandz Wed 15-Jun-11 18:26:22

Never ever ever let him think you are pathetic. And please please please don't give him the credit of being a decent person.

countingto10 Wed 15-Jun-11 18:32:07

Sorry this has happened to you.

My advice having been in a similar situation is get as much RL support as possible, maintain your dignity at all costs, do not let him blame you for his affair - you both had a responsibility for your marriage, he is solely responsible for the affair, get legal advice PDQ (knowledge is power and it will help to know what you re entitled to if he tries to BS you).

Try and get some counselling for yourself, you have had an enormous shock and you need some tlc, one day at a time. Treat yourself, new haircut, clothes etc, let he see that you will not fall to pieces (I made sure I was fully made up when ever DH came to see the DC, some people probably wouldn't recommend but I didn't want him to think that his leaving meant I was falling to pieces and it made me feel better in myself). I did call the samaritans at midnight one particularly bad night (my DH didn't tell me where he was staying either hmm).

It is a truly awful time, I suffered panic attacks, hyperventilating etc. I cannot emphasise enough how you must take control and get angry - I packed DH stuff in binbags etc.

Good luck.

Terrorteens Wed 15-Jun-11 19:19:06

Just want to say thanks for all your kind words.
My friend as made an appointment for me to see a solicitor on Friday so that's something. The kids really want to see him and I've texted him to tell him but no reply. He could at least call them. I'm coping though and got friends to help and parents are coming to stay and help next week. Still in shock and I'm so tired but can't rest. Every bleep on the phone I think its him. I am ok still not sunk in but will take each day as it comes.

Saffysmum Wed 15-Jun-11 19:27:25

Play it cool.

See CAB asap for immediate advice - i.e. new tax credits, etc. Get a list of recommended lawyers from CAB, and choose one that specialises in family law, legal aid, and gives free initial session. Make appt. asap, and get advice - this is vital. You will feel more in control to be doing this practical stuff.

Tell at least one or two real life friends/family and lean on them.

Don't (and this is really hard) contact husband, don't talk to him, don't text him. Right now, the grass is greener - he can't be allowed to have the best of both worlds. He can't know that you want him back - (even if you do). Don't give him an option. Often, these men think the grass is greener, but actually moving in the OW forces them to be themselves, and the OW may well not want to be with him full time. They may have a "honeymoon" period, but as well all know, at some point this wears off and reality sets in. Let him think that you are using the time to decide what you want. And this is what you need to do: focus on what you want. Take as long as you need. Cry, get angry, get strong....and reflect on what you want. The thought of being on your own, is often much worse than the reality. He wants out - let him have what he wants, and detach from him. He will miss the kids and your unconditional love and support. But he has to miss this fully, without you being there as his safety net.

Only have minimum contact (preferably text) about seeing the kids. And until you get advice from sol, this will be as you want it to be.

Take it an hour at a time, a day at a time....and focus on yourself.

Keep posting - you will get through this. There are loads of us who know how you feel - and we can help you. And you will, I repeat, will, cope with this.

OnTheRampage Wed 15-Jun-11 20:23:21


I have been / am in same position. I know how hard it can be to just get through the day when your heart is broken and your head feels like it is going to explode.

I have no grand plan to help but a wee bit that I've learned from experience:

- Hug your children often, you will need as much affection as you can get. They help to remind you that you are loved, worthy of love and capable of love.
- Try to eat even if you don't feel like it, this stress is energy sapping
- talk, talk, talk - your friends will want to help and can do it this way by being a listening ear. Please don't think you are burdening them
- accept any help you are offered, whether it is babysitting or someone cooking you a meal. There is a time to be strong and independent but not yet. Let yourself be looked after.
- Distract yourself - whatever helps you to switch off - a good film, running, mucking about with your kids.
- Whatever you're feeling is okay and temporary. I have had such moments of rage, despair, desperation, grief, that I thought would never pass. They do. They may come back but there will be times of hope, comfort and rest too. Accept each feeling as it comes. I used to keep saying 'this too will pass' when I thought that I couldn't go on.

I have no advice on how to treat your DH, only you can be the judge of that. But you are in control of how you look after yourself. Try to be kind x

SugarPasteFrog Wed 15-Jun-11 20:35:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jun-11 20:37:22

I am so, so sorry

I want to second, and third, saffysmum's advice

it is totally sound, possibly not what you want to hear, but how you act now is very, very important

if you offer yourself up as his safety net while he "chooses" you hand him all the power in the word to act selfishly and destroy your self esteem even further

withdraw completely, cold turkey, kaput

he has to feel the cold consequences of his actions

if he doesn't come back to you, it will be because he simply does not want to

but if you offer him the cake and let him eat it too, he will

you don't want to be in that position do you ?

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