Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
how do I dig myself out of this hole?(20 Posts)
OK, first disclaimer: I am a guy. Hope that it is OK that I ask this here, I could not think of too many options on getting advice on how to handle this.
So the last evening myself and DW are in the bedroom and things are heating up. As an idea, I whisper to her an idea for a position to try. Nothing too crazy but something I think would be very enjoyable for both of us, and we haven' t tried it before together.
Immediately she asks "where did that idea come from? have you been watching porn or something?"
I know this is something DW is paranoid about because she has a close friend whose relationship was wrecked by issues relating to her boyfriend's use of porn and asking to carry out lots of stuff he has seen. I used to watch it a long time ago but stopped and not since our relationship started. The truth is that it is something I picked up a long time ago from an ex-girlfriend but it strikes me that this explanation is going to land me in even bigger trouble. I should have said something like 'I read it in a magazine' but I don't and freeze up like a rabbit in headlights.
DW then thinks that she has hit the nail on the head and the bedroom goes to an arctic temperature. She is mad and I think wants to talk but I have no idea what to say. Coming out with the truth and explaining that I wanted to replay past activities with an ex-girlfriend does not seem like its going to improve things.
Lacking a time machine to go back and keep my mouth shut, do one of you have any ideas?
may i ask how you arrived at your username?
Sorry you sound like a right drip.
It was probably not the thought you might be a porn user that sent the temperature in the room dropping, more the "rabbit in headlights" look on your face, which likely turned her right off
But leave out the bit about liking it with your ex!
Just say you'd been thinking about her and you'd like to try this - it would be nice and you're sorry if it came out wrong & is not inspired by porn. Say sorry again and make her a cup of tea.
Your DW will hhave alsorts running through her head right now so "I did it years ago with an ex but I know we will do it togeather sooo much better" would have worked in the moment but now will sound like an excuse to cover the fact that you are watching porn.
What position was it? <starts a new spreadsheet>
I would say, it was something you had tried years and years and years and years (get the picture) ago and thought you both might enjoy it, takes it away from porn at least.
Gawd, I was always asking ex to try new things, but i'd never seen them in porn or done with them with anyone else, so I don't know how I would have answered if he'd asked me that question!!
or say a friend told you about it, but you didn't say that in the heat of the moment because you thought it would sound weird, and now you#re upset because she thinks it's porn and it isn't!
however, also try and maybe talk to her about the fact that just because her friend had a bad relationship that doesn't mean yours is going the same way, even if you did watch porn
She asked it was inspired by porn, you told her it wasnt.
Really it is her issue if she wants to continue being weird about this, if she pushes for an answer, tell her the bloody truth. She doesn't own your penis and certainly has no right to get all huffy that you have a sexual past.
In short - she's being ridiculous.
If it's a fairly standard position then she is being a complete drip IMO, in fact even if it's not she is. Ask her straight out what her objection is all about, which should at least allow you to explain.
Agree with Jeremy - she's being a bit of a drama queen. My DH has past but he is with me now. If one of the others was so great, presumably he would be with her is my thinking. Tell your DW she is the one and only love of your life and you can't even remember where that position came from...
I always wonder why so many women and men have problems hearing about their DP's past. I'm actually quite curious as to what my DP has tried, doesn't bother me in the slightest.
We are both adults and aware that we weren't virgins when we got together.
Hi all, thanks for the posts. Although it sounds good to be honest, I don't think it's going to work in this case. DW has many great qualities, but she is also extremely jealous when it comes to other women. A couple examples: she found some old pictures of myself on holiday with a ex (nothing shocking, just us visiting some tourist sites) in an old box which I had completely forgotten about. She got really upset and asked if I was keeping them because I was still in love with her, and only cheered up when she saw me putting them in the bin. Another time she thought one of her close friends gave me a too-friendly hug and didn't want to see her again for ages. She knows she is overly sensitive and says that I haven't done anything to make her feel this way, it's just how she is.
I also don't think that questioning her back is going to help her feel better, I guess it will only make her more defensive. I'll talk to her tonight and try to come up with something plausible. Maybe the idea from thisisyesterday about hearing it from a friend would work.
She just sounds insecure. I was like that for years and then it turned to indifference then dislike - do you want your wife to feel that way???
You should have dealt with it in the moment and if it was me and you told me about the ex I would start thinking that you had been remembering doing it with her, fantasising about it maybe, or even got back in touch with said ex. Such is the way an insecure mind works!!!
Best thing to do is to say you'd heard someone at work talking about it or read it in FHM.
The magazine explaination works well on men I've found (having used it before in similar circumstances) so think would be accepted. Of course she may ask to see the magazine :D
She sounds very insecure, have you been married long? I do think you will need to talk all this through, she isnt being fair and seems to know it, so hopefully will be willing to talk about it. Lots of reassurance that this is your way of showing how special she is etc etc.
By the way you could have read about it on wikipedia....
.....and if it's not on there we all want to know what it is
I think you should tell her what you've told us (in a calm and loving way).
You can accept that she's insecure, but she should also work on her issues.
I don't hold with all these suggestions to lie about it. If the poor woman suffers from insecurity she's not going to be comforted if she has any reason to believe you haven't been truthful. However I also agree that saying you picked it up from an ex is not likely to be well received! Would it be sensible to tell the truth in a vague sort of way, like saying that in your mis-spent youth it was something you occasionally enjoyed (with sort of non-partner-specific implications) or would that send her into a spin as well? I mean, she must know that you had a past before she met you, but in a sense the past was all about you, rather than about the women you were with, as it were. If it was one ex you learned it from and did it with, yes she might feel a bit ooh-er, but if it was something you occasionally did - obviously not on your own, but not with anyone in particular - that might be less of a problem. And of course the fact that you didn't want to refer back to the past, because you do know she is unhappy about it, is the real reason why you froze up, so you can tell her the perfect truth there. (However if she starts asking which named exes you did it with, which would be amazingly unhealthy IMO, it would be time for a weeny untruth ie can you expect me to remember precisely what I did with whom, and why would it matter, it was just something I used to like from time to time, that's all. Glossing, not lying!)
Trying to think, you see, how I'd have been when I was a young and, yes, insecure wife. I don't think I'd have been any happier with the magazine or discussing with mates story than with him having done it with someone else back in the mists of time. Especially if I found out that neither story was true!
I had XH destroy his photos of ex-girlfriends too!
Join the discussion
Please login first.