Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The no contact/texting/email thread

(850 Posts)
cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 14:19:28

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself smile He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back sad So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing sad
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

Tosellornotto Tue 14-Jun-11 14:25:29

Yep, I am with you, I was struggling with my ex, kept in to just about 10 texts which in three weeks wasn't bad, but we spoke on Wed and he told me he has moved on and is in a new 'relationship' within three weeks, within a week of the last time we slept together with a girl he has met on the Internet. Since then I have managed not to contact him but will need help in staying strong!

scorpion1 Tue 14-Jun-11 15:26:44

I need support to. Long story but basically had a relationship with a guy from work when shouldn't have. We were both married ( please don't shoot me down) this was 8 years ago. I then left the workplace to remove him from my life - that didn't work - emails, txt etc. We both then 2 years ago split from our ex's and we have been seeing each other but he keeps ending it then pulling me back, ending it saying sorry. He then tries to blame the ending of it on me- ive done nothing. Even yesterday, he has just had two weeks away with his ex and family - i struggled with it but let it go. he got back last week got in touch all lovely. Then cancelled our date last night with no sorry or im gutted or anything. I txt him to say give me a bit of reassurance here is this the end again. He ignored me for hours. Then just txt night x - no explination or reassurance. I txt him twice today saying what's up to which i got a stroppy response- nothing up why you upset it doesn't need to get to this stage you know i love you ??????? I need to not contact him and get on with my life don't i. Thsi has been 8 years of this off/on thing.
Sorry it was long

Wisedupwoman Tue 14-Jun-11 15:36:19

I'm in the same boat as you. I've broken off all contact with stbx, haven't so much as seen, never mind text, email or anything else for almost 3 months. I had to, to preserve my sanity and get on with the fall-out from discovering his second affair and his plans to leave.

It's very hard, especially as we have DC's and stbx is stalling about mediation, divorce, his whereabouts, everything. And when I forget just how awful those last few months of our marriage were, it's hard not to just phone him to try and say - what - I don't know.

But I wait a while or I post on my thread, and someone always pulls me back from the brink and i've never yet regretted not contacting him. On wikivorce I was directed to a brilliant blogger called sair who is revered as the 'Queen of no contact' and she writes very well about this. Maybe this could help keep the momentum you need to stop falling for the games.

cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 15:59:56

Tosellornotto - in a relationship already??? That must be really hard for you to hear. If you feel you are going to contact say so on here and I'll talk you out of it!!!
scorpion1 - I'm the last person to flame you. I'm married and so is the man I'm trying not to contact. I need reminding of that over and over!!! Sounds like you def need to stop contacting him till he learns some manners.

cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 16:01:16

Wisedupwoman - this must be so much harder for you with DCs as well. Off to find that blog, it might help.

Tosellornotto Tue 14-Jun-11 16:09:28

yes indeedy, within days, all I can say is that I know him very well and where it is heading, he is very wealthy and I suspect she is a little in awe of that right now. just weeks ago he was crying on my sofa saying he understood he needed to be alone and sort himself out, he is in a mess and unfortunately a train wreck waiting to happen as he is a recovering alcoholic but I can see all the warning signs there. At the moment I feel angry and hurt but it's fading, its when I feel angry that I want to contact the most, I wouldn't now tell him I am missing him, I wouldn't want to give him and new girlfriend the satisfaction!
OMG- as for your chap, I suspect the nice email was to keep you onside and the lack of acknowledging whatever bad thing has happened is the indicator he is self absorbed and doesn't really care. contact is very addictive and like any addiction the more distance you get from it the easier it is.

cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 16:16:24

I'm glad it's fading a bit for you. Mines bad at the moment because I'm stuck home all week with nothing to do and a bit lonely sad and reminiscing on all the things we used to talk about sad Yes I'm beginning to think he likes to keep me onside because he's a little bit scared of me telling people. But like you say he doesn't actually care because if he did he would have sent a quick text just to see how things were. I'm just cross that I replied, I obviously hit a nerve with what I said to him but by backtracking he will just think I'm pathetic! I just care sad and he plays on that sad

SingOut Tue 14-Jun-11 16:20:36

"contact is very addictive and like any addiction the more distance you get from it the easier it is." fine words, and I'll join you all if I may.
I'm two and a bit weeks of no contact with my ex, and it's proving very difficult lately. I long to hear his voice. I've found keeping busy physically and emotionally helps, but of course as soon as I have 5 minutes to myself I think of him and long for him all over again. sad

It does seem to be getting less addictive, the desire to contact I mean. I also think how pissed off with myself I'll feel if I give in and have to 'restart' the clock all over again as it were. As the addiction fades somewhat a terrible sadness is setting in. I try and hate him for what he did to me, but I still love him with all my heart and can't ever see that changing. I don't want anyone else and can't imagine ever doing so.
I don't see how I'll ever move on, but I know from experience that the old cliche 'time heals' is true, so I suppose I just have to wait it out. It hurts like hell, though.

onethatgotaway Tue 14-Jun-11 16:30:46

I'm in this no contact situation too, had an affair, it ended in Feb, I was devastated but have been trying hard to move on since then and really work on things with DH. Everything had been genuinely getting back on track, until I did something really stupid last week and engineered a situation where I would have to see OM again. I convinced myself it would be a test of my strength and whether I had got over him, but since then have been obsessed by thoughts of him again. I know the affair is over but I just miss him so so much, miss the talking and texting even though I know it would be wrong to start doing those things again. I texted him after our meeting and he didn't reply, a few days later I rang him and he answered and we chatted for quite a while, he told me I could ring him if I was desperate! How sad is that?! I have turned into a stalker sad

So confused with my feeings at the moment. I thought I had got things all under control again, but now feel like I've gone back to the beginning of all the anguish again. I know it's all my fault and I deserve it, but think this thread is a good idea whatever your reasons for no contact.

scorpion1 Tue 14-Jun-11 16:36:26

It is so very hard. They mess us about but still like many of you I love him with all my heart and want us to work but deep down I know it never will. Not txt for 3 hours - yippee!! However after 8 years how long will i last and if he txt i just know i will want to respond even if its to argue. However he is a game player- my friends call him psychoman, maybe i should just think of that all the time and listen to friends more, as they are so right. Thank you all and be strong!

cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 16:39:25

Singout - yes it is addictive indeed. Wish I could stick on a patch to help with the cravings!!! And know what you mean about restarting the clock. It's just so tiring though isn't it.
onethatgotaway - I think I would have done the same thing to see if I was over him. And it's not all your fault, but we can all help each other to stay tough now!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 14-Jun-11 16:41:10

I don't need support not to contact someone: I have been "no contact" for four months and I am here to tell you it really gets easier every day. Courage!

If possible, change your SIM cards and e-mail accounts to remove temptation from yourselves and/or avoid unwanted contact from the other person (I handed over my old phone and e-mail account passwords to a trusted person for a while). I recommend it.

Tosellornotto Tue 14-Jun-11 16:53:52

one that got away - exactly my point about it being like addiction, you are like an alcoholic allowing themselves to smell am glass of wine but not touch it, it will only be a matter or time before it's a sip. Its the same thing, has to stop dead, however hard and any sightings, meeting where possible avoided (this is as much for me as anyone else) my ex came to my house and left a gift on my doortstep on Thurs and I really didn't know whether to respond, all I did was sleep on it and sent a 'thanks for the gift, regards' email from work the next day, he responded and I ignored it and zero contact since.
thanks itsmeandmypuppy and well done!
So nearly 5 days for me!

Tosellornotto Tue 14-Jun-11 17:05:42

urgh just realised it would have been 2 years since our first date today, bet he doesn't realise, I WON'T be reminding him!

cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 17:20:22

Noooooooo don't remind him! I've been down that road before too :D I just don't think their brains are wired to give a crap about that kind of thing. Im just sad that I didn't go out on a high being in control and then ignoring him. This way I feel like some sad excuse of a person who begged for a few crumbs. But I can't contact again, won't contact again and will get over him like he's over me!

Tosellornotto Tue 14-Jun-11 17:30:47

i won't and he wouldn't give a sh*t as he is very busy with a far more compliant and maleable woman than I! Agreed re leaving the lastmcontact with him and feel good that I left it there, wonder if she knew about the gift? he would have dressed it up as what a great ex he is!

onethatgotaway Tue 14-Jun-11 17:37:18

Tosell- Yes, I agree with the addiction analogy totally and have gone and proved the point to myself by bringing myself back to square one again after being 'on the wagon' for 2 and a half months. The trouble and the hard thing is you do get the buzz and the comfort from the contact however minimal, but I am getting through this week one day at a time with no contact again, keeping myself as busy as possible.

omg and scorp- keep strong too, we're all in it together. One day at a time!

Puppy- Good ideas about the phone. I also find it helpful to change my ring tone and text alert as they become associated with contact from the one you don't want to think about. Well done for your 4 months, thats brilliant and hopefully you're over the worst and won't relapse.

Tosellornotto Tue 14-Jun-11 17:40:21

onethatgotaway - keep it to a second, minute or hour at a time if necessary and remembermhow bad you felt when you saw him, write it down if it helps to remind you.

onethatgotaway Tue 14-Jun-11 17:57:22

Tosell- I did feel bad, I felt terrible all of last week, a horrible sick feeling that had gone away. I had the same feeling most of the time the affair was going on, it made me so ill, but with the intermittent 'highs' I suppose that's why I carried on with it. I was trying to cling on to the intense feelings that were there at the beginning of it. I do remember how bad he made me feel, and I don't want to go back there again, ever.

cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 18:21:52

onethatgotaway - mine was like that too, an awful rollercoaster ride but the highs were like nothing id ever experienced. I'd have days where I felt like the happiest person alive. But it wasn't worth the lows because they make me feel like I can barely carry on. sad
I still wake up in the middle of the night to check my emails and when I do my heart is pounding and I want to throw up but it's not in a good way anymore.

Tosellornotto Tue 14-Jun-11 19:15:22

I can only think and know really that it will get better in time, the end of my last relationship was so bad that I felt suicidal and had to beg him to end it because I felt too weak to, I remember that and know that whilst I am disengaged and detaching that can't happen to me anymore, nothing feels as bad as those lows, nothing. OMG - you know that too, but you have to give it long enough to have the chance to heal.

onethatgotaway Tue 14-Jun-11 19:41:17

Omg - I don't think you'll ever get the high feeling back from trying to resurrect this relationship - neither will I, because its all too quickly followed by the inevitable crash back down to earth, and all the negative thoughts that get lodged in your brain and won't go away. I go over and over imaginary conversations in my head that I'll never have with OM and I know it's all pointless but once I start doing it it becomes a habit again. It's not healthy, I know.
I wanted to know if he was suffering too, I don't know why, I guess it would've made me feel a tiny bit better, so I asked him when we spoke and he said yes, his guilt is still unbearable but thinks we are being punished for our infidelity. I suppose he is right.
Anyway, why don't you start by not checking emails in the night when you wake up? You could try and break this habit, besides it sounds very disruptive to trying to get back to sleep again after all that adrenaline rushing through you. Try some relaxation techniques instead?! Sorry not very helpful really smile but big hugs to you anyway.

cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 20:43:42

I do the conversation thing too! And continually think if I had just said this or done that it would have been ok. The thing is I probably did get needy and insecure but he messed with my head so much it's hardly surprising. Had a great session with my counsellor last week and she said what would I like him to say to me and I replied that I'd like him to acknowledge he'd hurt me and apologise for it, to tell me it had all meant something to him not just a game and that he wanted us to go back to being friends. Which is what he was before and that is what I miss so desperately - not the whole online affair thing. His reply at the weekend virtually said all those things - that's why I replied to him as it was everything I wanted to hear ... but they were just words obviously sad

cathkidstonbag Tue 14-Jun-11 20:45:29

And I know I need to break the nightime habit, it's ridiculous because I've blocked him now so he can't send one anyhow! But I've done it for 6 months, for the first 3 months there was always one waiting for me and I miss that so much.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now