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Would you want an apology from OW?

(38 Posts)
Shouldiwouldithelp Tue 14-Jun-11 12:34:46

Would you want to know that she deeply regretted her actions, would never do anything to cause you pain again, if it was heartfelt and sincere and gave you no details other than what a mistake it was, how bad it was and that everything you imagined would happen when you knew the man, did? Sent with no other intent than to give comfort and hopefully a sense of relief?

Reality Tue 14-Jun-11 12:35:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeee Tue 14-Jun-11 12:36:34

Nope - as a gesture it smacks of clearing their own conscience.

moonbeam32 Tue 14-Jun-11 12:36:50

no i wouldn't want to hear it personally. Infact it would probably make me feel worse. I would want the OW to vanish and leave me alone to torture my husband in peace

Suncottage Tue 14-Jun-11 12:37:23

Has she written to you Should or the other way round?

SarkyLady Tue 14-Jun-11 12:39:20

"a sense of relief"

Are you serious?

Shouldiwouldithelp Tue 14-Jun-11 12:46:51

Ok, I have been cheated on and it led me back to thinking about the past and something I did a few years ago of which I am ashamed, what I meant by relief is knowing that it turned out the way you would have expected knowing the man involved, I feel that way as I have a good idea of how things are going to go and I think I would like to know I was right if that makes any sense, that it wasn't all skipping through cornfields and that it was pretty awful, they are no longer together have been divorced for some time but will take your comments and leave well alone.

bluebobbin Tue 14-Jun-11 12:52:07

I'm not sure. I found out about DH's affair 18 months ago and since then we have been rebuilding things after a brief time apart.

I suppose that at the end of the day, an apology from the OW (a work colleague) is not really relevant to me because the whole point is to rebuild the marriage without the OW. The actions that need to be analysed, explained and prevented in the future are the actions of the cheating DH. Although in my case I think that the OW should take some of the blame becuase it is against "humanity" to enter into a relationship with a man who you know has a 1yo and a 3yo and a wife.

I wouldn't really mind if the OW apologised (although it would be awkward in person). However, I also feel that if the OW is sorry to me, she should be even more sorry to my totally innocent children so maybe an apology to me is actually worthless?

The person an OW needs to be most sorry to is herself. If you have been the OW, perhaps concentrate on that. If you knew that the man was married, then you have let yourself down by having a relationship with him.

With every passing day, the OW becomes less and less relevant to me. Also you have to consdier whether the OW is apologising to benefit herself. And also sorry is just a word. One day, the shit is going to hit the fan. My DC are going to find out what their dad did to us when we were very vulnerable because 25+ family members know and it won't be able to be kept quiet. The OW can apologise to me now, but me and DH will have to face that in the future.

This is all a bit garbled, but I hope some of it might be helpful.

bluebobbin Tue 14-Jun-11 12:53:47

Oh God no - if you came between a couple and they are no longer together then you must leave well alone.

HellBunny Tue 14-Jun-11 13:12:42

No. I'd be as disgusted with her as I would be with DH. I couldn't even listen to an apology from someone so clearly messed up as to go with another woman's man (Assuming she knew he had a partner). ANy apology would seem disingenous.

Taghain Tue 14-Jun-11 13:24:19

She should stay out of it & leave you to repair the damage.
And what is she supposed to be sorry for? Having the affair or causing pain?
What would happen if she expressed an apology that was effectively for getting caught? That would seem worse. It's best just to stay well clear.

stargazy Tue 14-Jun-11 14:51:37

Got an apology from OW that was sextexting my DH shortly after I found out.I come across her in a work capacity 2/3 times a month.It's unavoidable unfortunately unless I completely change my job which at mo just can't do.She got to know him thro work also as were all similar business and paths cross.He now stays completely away from that area and her.
She appologised profusely which at the time I thought was at least decent and couldn't have been easy to do.tbh now after time realize she was just probably shit scared I'd blab to other people what she - and my DH were up to with their innapproprate frienship.It never became physical thank god.
Did it make me feel better? No it didn't.Just words and now I think is she was only really sorry they got found out.Think she was just trying to keep me on side and keep me quiet.What did make me feel better- and still a work in progress was DH's true remorse and everything he's done since.Still a way to go but getting there slowly.

ballstoit Tue 14-Jun-11 14:56:00

I wouldn't want an apology from OW. She knew he was married, knew he had 3 under 5's and decided to embark on a relationship with him anyway. An apology would be meaningless and if she was looking for sympathy because he had now done the same to her she would be looking for it in the wrong place.

cumbria81 Tue 14-Jun-11 15:44:14

it's not really her fault though, is it? At the end of the day the person to blame is the husband. He's a fully grown adult, capable of making his own decisions and he chose to have an affair. Not saying OWs are necessarily innocent as such, more that they are not where the focus shuold lie.

pfbornot Tue 14-Jun-11 16:53:16

cumbria - I'm not sure if I agree. The husband has a specific responsibility to his wife and children to be faithful, obviously. Husbands who cheat on their wives and little children are behaving in a disgraceful manner.

The OW has (just as we all have) a general responsibility to humanity/society not to do things that are horrendously destructive to other human beings. Knowingly entering into a relationship with a man who is married with children is not decent behaviour.

juicychops Tue 14-Jun-11 17:10:57

my ex cheated on me twice and ended up leaving me for the second one.

the first one was while i was 8months pregnant and she was 17 (ex was 22) and she was so so immature and i think was with him for the thrill of being with someone older and 'grown up' although he acted far from grown up. i wanted he to be sorry for what she did and i was so hormonally crazy that i bombarded her with texts telling her what a horrible awful person she was. Didn't get an apology. She even pretended she was pregnant with ex's baby. didn't apologise. i dont think she saw or considered in great length the impact of her actions

The second one i also contacted (but was not pregnant this time so less of a maniac, although had only given birth 11 months before) and i wasn't horrible to her as for some reason i didn't blame her for anything but i remembered i wanted answers. She didn't apologise for anything either. she was only 18 (ex was by now 23)

looking back, an apology would have been nice, but neither of them gave a shit to be honest so didnt really expect one. I saw the first girl the other day at a wedding and she still seemed too embarrassed to look at me. So i suppose she does feel an idiot for what she did to me - and so she bloody should!

Aislingorla Tue 14-Jun-11 17:55:21

No, I never want to have anything to do with her!
She has moved on to another MM now, so she's sorry in any case.

wearenotinkansas Tue 14-Jun-11 22:19:33

Having been on the receiving end of such an apology (complicated by fact that OW had by then started going out with xP's friend) - the answer is categorically NO. I could have cheerfully strangled her - and just thought she was an interfering cow. Actually still do - more than 10 years later smile

Latteaddict Wed 15-Jun-11 00:57:11

Absolutely not. If someone is happy to be with a man, knowing that he has a wife and children at home, and actively participate in the level of damage and hurt that their joint actions cause (not just to the immediate family either, these things have a ripple effect), then no apology would be taken seriously.

That is not putting blame onto the OW, most of that does rest with the husband, but the OW has elected to participate in a damaging situation, and her reasons for doing so do not need to take up any of the "betrayed partner's time".

I have never received an apology from the OW. But I did receive threats against my children's safety that meant I gave up my childminding. And was harrassed by her up to 19 months after the affair ended (by which time she'd been with a new partner herself for about a year and was pg). I'm still seeing today how those threats have affected my elder son. And, being honest, if an apology was thrown into the mix of the fallout, I think it'd make me even more convinced that she was self-obsessed/selfish etc. I don't for one minute think it'd have anything genuine about it.

I do recognise that most OW do not behave like that, and honestly think that the best thing that you can do if you do feel genuine remorse, is to stay well away. You've already forced yourself into her life, her marriage and her thoughts, probably against her will. The kindest thing that you can now do is to remove yourself as much as you can.

Aislingorla Wed 15-Jun-11 09:01:27

I meant to write 'not ' sorry!

piedpiper4 Wed 15-Jun-11 09:05:50

No, absolutely not. I think I would regard the apology as more of an attempt at relieving the OW's guilt, rather than to help me. Damage has already been done. Leave well alone, all you'll do is cause the hurt and pain to come to the surface again, and that seems like another selfish act to me.

buzzsore Wed 15-Jun-11 09:12:30

You're thinking about apologising years after the event? (Not sure if I got that right.) No, it's just raking up the past, and I think the only person who'd feel relief is the person unloading their conscience.

Sapphirefling Wed 15-Jun-11 09:26:24

This is a wind up right ? An apology ? errr - no hmm

pfbornot Wed 15-Jun-11 13:52:45

I think that the bottom line is that the damage caused is just too serious for an apology. An apology is just words when in many cases, lifelong damage has been caused to many people.

To give an example of some unexpected damaged caused by my DH and his OW: I am the eldest of my siblings and our father walked out on us when my youngest brother was about 12. It really hit him very hard and 15 years on when my brother was newlywed, he was just consigning it to the history books. Then we found out that my DH had been cheating with a colleague and my brother and new SIL and my mum came over to help me with the situation when DH had walked out. My brother broke down crying on my hall floor sad. I have never seen him cry before or since. He was so sad about my children (his godchildren) and me having our home destroyed and it brought back everything that had happened in his teenage years. He was devastated and I bet DH and the OW never anticipated that and I am sure the OW is still blissfully unaware of how many people her actions have hurt. DH is aware of what his actions have caused, however, because I have made sure of that.

How can an apology fix that? As an OW, you can't imagine who (and how) you have hurt.

amIbeingdaft Wed 15-Jun-11 22:22:02

No. I'd probably punch her. Sorry OP, you're just going to have to live with this one. No sympathy from me, I hope you're very ashamed. Glad you've found out what it feels like to be that would be of some comfort to me!

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