I am completely overwhelmed by all the responses, and the terrible guilt of 'causing abuse' in my relationship is starting to subside as I realise that I am not totally to blame. I also feel incredible relief that I am not the only person to have gone through something like this and I am so happy I posted this today! I am thankful for and appreciate each of your replies, even the objective ones which help me to assess what I could do to improve things around here.
Let me explain further as I owe it to all of you for being so kind in helping me understand my situation.
Just after 5pm when I phoned my husband to see how his day was and to find out where he was on his journey back from Bristol (we live in Surrey) to make sure he'd be home in time for me to leave for work by 7.30pm, he casually tells me he's just gone through BATH! Over an hour into London, a tube journey and an hour train trip home, I realise he isn't going to make it. He did try to help and he phoned his sister and her husband but they had dinner plans, and he texted me to say they can't help look after our DD, but he would ?try his best to be home in time?... As a carer, I can't be late or miss appointments, these people depend on me for their well being, and this is the second time I would have to phone work to say I can't make it because my DH does not think about anything but himself, he doesn't communicate with me, and doesn?t include me in on any plans so I can try to help (or advise my work with more notice) that I am unable to work that night. I?d far rather let them know I can?t work days before than phone them and let them down at the last minute, it?s not right and not fair. He eventually arrived home 45 minutes late, and I had to ask my cousin who is living with us for a short while if she minded cancelling her plans to look after my DD until my DH got home. Thankfully she was able to assist, but what is going to happen when none of them can help? Will I have to look like the unreliable, irresponsible person because I have to phone in to work to say I won?t make it.
He has since told me that ?I was working? and ?this is a million pound business relationship? in other words, my job(s) (I have two jobs, one in the evenings and one on the weekends to make sure he is home to look after our DD because we can?t afford full-time nursery costs) aren?t as important as his and I have to just accept the fact that he needs to go to these appointments. If he had arranged for the previous day, which I would have suggested had he chatted to me about his plan and what arrangement we could come to, he would not have had a deadline because I wasn?t working that night, OR if he told me he?d be home late on the Friday, as soon as I knew I would have swapped nights with work which wouldn?t have been a problem at all. I hope this explanation makes sense!
Then on Saturday he took her to watch the cricket with him, not telling me where they were or what they were doing and she arrived home totally inappropriately dressed with sandals and shorts on well after 8pm, and Sunday when I got home from work she had this massive top lip which I noticed immediately when she came to me to say hello, which he had not noticed at all. I think she has an abscess, off to the dentist in the morning. She was also saying ?stop it? which she doesn?t learn from CBeebies or from me... This makes me wonder the level of care she gets and maybe she is better off with a childminder whose sole responsibility it is to make sure she?s looked after, and not a parent who lets her run amok without really playing an active part in her life and making the most of time spent with her and giving her the attention she needs.
To those of you who mentioned it happens to you when you ask for a little help around the house ? you hit the nail on the head. I look after a 2 year old, do all the housework, meals, make and attend appointments, washing etc and have two jobs so it would really help me to have a little bit of ?downtime? if he willingly helped without having to be asked sometimes. Most of the time he eats the dinner I cook before I go to work and once DD is in bed, he falls asleep on the sofa so he?s sparko when I arrive home after my carer job. He is putting in such long hours and I can imagine how tired he must be, but it would help so much if he could wash the remaining dishes and wipe the kitchen counters before he lies down and falls asleep. So yes, I resent being a ?servant? as well as working two jobs at odd hours to help to contribute to this relationship and he thinking that because he has the bigger responsibilities in terms of what he has to pay for, that he deserves to do what he likes which is 95% of the case!
The reason I am abusive to him, is because when he Googled ?Relationship Abuse? some of the points mentioned referred back to me telling him sometimes that he?s lazy, no good ? self esteem issues etc and a few others which I cannot remember because I was in such a state when he accused me, so he put two and two together and came up with that he?s being abused. Never mind that perhaps some of the other points refer to him!!
Second lastly, YES! HE IS A CHILD and I wonder if he?ll ever grow up and face his responsibilities as a husband and a father.
Finally, and maybe this answers it for all of us and hopefully cannot be construed as a reason why I have to accept this all. He has/had ADD and some say this may be the reason why he does not plan/communicate in advance, but does this give him an excuse to get away with being irresponsible time and time again, or do I just have to be more understanding and accommodating because of it??
