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has he cheated???

(67 Posts)
allfunandgames123 Tue 14-Jun-11 08:38:48

I recently spent a week away from my partner visiting my mother, in this time he spent allot of it very drunk! I have been back at our house with him for about 2 weeks and last night was the first time he was interested in doing anything intimate. Only he wouldn't go near me at all he was purely looking to get himself 'sorted'.
When i say he wouldn't go near me I mean I am lying in bed naked and the only part of me he touched was my back, and a very small amount of kissing.
This was the first time we had eveen kissed in three weeks, and I mean not even a goodnight kiss. When I came back from my mothers he didnt even attempt to give me a kiss and cuddle.
I sort of brought it up in conversation this morning and all he said was ''well I got what I was looking for'' and burst out laughing, that whole comment is not like him at all
Am I totally over reacting or does it look like something has happened ie.cheating?

clam Tue 14-Jun-11 11:48:30

Well, I think you'll need a little more "evidence" than this.
Although if this is unusual for you as a couple it certainly seems to indicate that something's not right. The comment he made was horrible.
Can't you talk to him?

AnyFucker Tue 14-Jun-11 11:50:51

eh ?

just acting like a twat doesn't mean you have cheated

have a severe word with him and say "what gives ? why are you being a dick ?"

Shouldiwouldithelp Tue 14-Jun-11 12:21:47

I agree with AF, crappy behavior but wouldn't think a cheat just a bit of a knob.

allfunandgames123 Tue 14-Jun-11 12:28:20

well I have just found receipt from a strip club (which I know doesn't mean he's cheated) so I went through and asked him if he has ever been to this strip club and he swore blind he hadn't so then I showed him the receipt I found and he went mad, accusing me of checking up on him ect. I found the receipt in our DD cupboard which was mainly why I was annoyed, why hide it in her cupboard? I wouldn't realy mind him going to a strip club as long as it wasnt for a private dance and he knows this so why hide it?
He has cheated on me before, about 2years ago, with my best friend! (I know I should of left him then) maybe I'm just expecting him to do it again.
He used to have a very high sex drive but the last year he hasnt been interested at all, like maybe every 6weeks if I'm lucky, which makes me think he might be getting it somewere else?
But little things keep happening that makes me start looking into things maybe a bit to much like I checked his phone (I know I shouldn't have) and there was a text message to his ex who he hasn't spoke to in like a year saying in caps ''PHONE ME NOW I REALY WANT TO TALK TO YOU X'' and a girl phoned our land line and said in a tarty vioce ''hey baby''
I said whos this?
she says Kayliegh whos this and as soon as i said my name she hung up!
Oh this is driving me mad over annalysing everything!!!

clam Tue 14-Jun-11 12:30:17

Er.... right!
OK, so that's a bit more evidence.

Nullius Tue 14-Jun-11 12:54:11

You are definitley not over analysing this.

He is a dickhead, fact.

Why let a man speak to you that way? What hold does he have over you?

Any man that would sleep with your best friend will not have a problem sleeping with anybody else. He cannot be trusted.

allfunandgames123 Tue 14-Jun-11 13:56:44

I know he's a dick but he can be sweet when it suites him and when he's sober (he is a recovered-ish alchohlic who falls of the wagon occasionally)
I don't want to leave him because although the relationship is utterly shit right now he is still my daughters dad and a good one and I am really scared of being alone and a single mum, I know pathetic eh!
I also feel like I owe it to my daughter to try my best to give her a happy family together.
We have fallen out a few times and when this happens I leave the house and take DD with me, he gets very drunk, then the constant texts and calls start and I get the...

I can't cope without you...
I might as well be dead if you'r going to leave...
I would rather kill myself then be without you...

It is just an ongoing battle with him!!

MaxSchreck Tue 14-Jun-11 14:03:52

Ok.
So he's an alcholic.
He's cheated on you at least once that you know about.
He's not interested in a loving relationship with you.
He's emotionally abusive.

But he's a good father?

brass Tue 14-Jun-11 14:05:30

all you are showing your daughter is that no matter how a man treats you, you should keep going back to him.

show her some self respect and independence instead.

allfunandgames123 Tue 14-Jun-11 14:07:29

That sums it up yes.

He can however also be lovely.

He loves our daughter very much, I think the problem is that he doesn't love me any more. Or at least that he isn't IN love with me.

allfunandgames123 Tue 14-Jun-11 14:10:39

Brass- DD is 6months old (I know they are meant to take everything in) but I feel like if I cant sort this before she is say walking/talking then I wont be able to at all because as you say she will learn quickly and she will think its right.

clam Tue 14-Jun-11 14:18:17

Your DD could also have a happy family with you and a man who treats you well.

Define "good dad."

allfunandgames123 Tue 14-Jun-11 14:35:38

I know that but I don't want another bloke it would be stay with this one or no one. For a start I don't want to bring my daughter up with other men in mummys life and also I have zero confidence.

He is a good dad. Yes he occasionally say once a month for 2/4days go on a drinking bender ( as soon as this happens I leave with DD till he is totally sober). When he is sober he is great with DD, not the best at tantrums and screaming baby or nights, but he plays with her, dotes on her, does nappies, bottles ect not so much solid feeds he doesn't have much patience. But he looks after her on his own so I can get the horses ridden (from 6/10 hours a week) which I couldn't do without him as we have no family/friends near by.

clam Tue 14-Jun-11 15:03:39

So, he plays with her, changes some nappies and will give a bottle and look after her "on his own" a few hours a week. Big deal. That's bog standard, I'm afraid. Wouldn't qualify him for "Dad of the Year."
The flip side to that is that he goes on regular benders that are presumably so unpleasant you have to leave, and he shows no patience with tantrums, screaming, night-waking, and feeding her solids.
Not a "good dad" in my book. And that's aside from all the other nonsense about shagging your best friend, "getting what he wants" out of sporadic sex with you, strip club receipts and strange women phoning the house. No "good dad" treats the mother of his child that way.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but people treat you in life how you let them. If you want to stay with this guy and put up with this shit, then fine. I'm not sure why you're asking on here for advice.

allfunandgames123 Tue 14-Jun-11 15:20:13

Not everything is so black and white.
It is allot easier to be harsh on a situation when you are not emotionally involved. I guess I was looking for support, is that so awful?

clam Tue 14-Jun-11 15:26:20

Well, I guess it's not, no. I know I sounded harsh. Sorry.
But if you're going to assess your situation and make any decisions, at least be clear about what he's putting into the family. And taking out of you. And changing the odd nappy here and there is not worthy of an award.
Are you not worth more than what he is giving you?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 14-Jun-11 15:30:02

You cannot expect people to say something along the lines of there there it will be all fine. That won't do you any favours in the long run and you are defending the frankly indefensible when it comes to your man.

So you're with a bloke who won't do you or her any good. That's your choice, its your DD I feel the most sorry for here. Both the adults in her life are both selfish and letting her down. Your man is likely to be the root cause of your zero confidence; he has indeed done a number on you to get you to where you are now

So what are you getting out of tis so called relationship exactly?.

You are also teaching your child damaging lessons here.

buzzsore Tue 14-Jun-11 15:42:44

He's not a 'recovered-ish' alcoholic, he's just an alcoholic. Alcoholics who are in recovery don't fall off the wagon on such a regular basis as he does.

If I was you, I would want him to stop drinking altogether. I don't know whether you would ask for this, or whether he would take any notice if you did. It doesn't sound like he gives much of a shit what you think. He emotionally blackmails you to get you back, but when you're with him, he treats you like nothing. Actions say more than words. His actions say you're a convenience to him.

I suggest you try Al-Anon for some support regarding how his alcoholism affects you and your dd. Maybe some counselling as well for your self-esteem? You need to see you deserve better than this, and you need to protect your daughter from growing up in this environment.

Nullius Tue 14-Jun-11 16:08:22

If you leave for "a few days when he is on a bender" then clearly you have somewhere to go, yes?

And clearly you manage just fine for those 2 or 3 days?

I know you want support, but let me tell you this, men like your partner love women like you. He knows full well you dont want to be a single mother, and that you dont want to be alone. They feed off that. He wouldnt treat you like this if he thought for a second you were strong enough to leave. He does it because he can.

AnyFucker Tue 14-Jun-11 16:30:16

well, in light of the further information you have given, I pronounce this man might be quite nice to his daughter (most men are, unless they are a true monster) but fucking awful to you

ergo, a man that doesn't treat the mother of his dc is not a good dad

you obvioulsly can't trust him, he has form, you haven't got over it, seems like he isn't even trying to help you get over it and he is also a skank who uses strip clubs

just dump him...I would support you wholeheartedly in that

support you to stay with a twat like this ? er, no

allfunandgames123 Tue 14-Jun-11 17:10:07

I completely agree with all you have to say it just doesn't feel that easy. I would be taking his child away from him that seems so harsh, I know what it would do to me if I was without her.

Yes he is an arse hole, he does have good points he just doesn't have enough of them.

Nullius-when we leave for a few days I take the train 4hours to my mum or friends, so we don't really have anywhere near by to go.

We are planning to move near friends and family and I am hoping that might help. I know I am clutching at straws.
Also this sounds dreadful but financialy I would realy strugle without him

clam Tue 14-Jun-11 17:12:48

"this man might be quite nice to his daughter"

As long as she's not having a screaming tantrum in the middle of the night when he's on a bender.

clam Tue 14-Jun-11 17:15:11

"I would be taking his child away from him"
Or you could turn that on its head and see that he is driving you and his daughter away.
Seems harsh? Yes, and he knows you won't do it, because you're a better person than him. So he carries on the abuse.
Be clear that that is what it is.

bellamom Tue 14-Jun-11 20:22:13

Dear OP, this sounds awful and this guy just sounds unbelievable. You deserve better respect and care than this. Please leave him.
PLeaes get in touch with a woman refuge/women support group who can help you through this.

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