New partner's family

[redhotchilipepper]

hi- I have two children and am divorced. In short I have met a new man and introduced him to my children and he has introduced his to me. We all got on well and liked each other. I have been seeing my new man for about 9 months and as our children range from 15- 19, expect for his little girl of 8. it is relatively easy to have an early meal together and be back in our respective homes early evening. At weekends, we manage to go for walks whilst our children are with our ex partners. I like it this way. However, I feel under pressure from him- and have told him- to spend more of our little-and precious- time together with his children. i really don't want to play happy families too much. I like to bring mine up independently and am happy for them to say hello and have a chat, but I don't want joint hols etc. Am I normal? Am I being unreasonable? Opinions please. Many thanks

[Treeesa]

9 months is long enough to know if the relationship is going somewhere... If so you can't avoid the fact that your new man has an 8 year old girl and it is natural he will want to spend time with her - especially depending on how much time he has with her as a whole... I can appreciate since your children are older and don't need as much supervision that you feel you're having to go through it all again with his kids - so a difficult one... You aren't being unreasonable to want to have some alone time together - but I think you may have to make a few compromises to your ideal..

[annielouisa]

I think you have to make your mind up what you want from this relationship and if it is long term you cannot pretend his 8 year old DD does need far more time than the older DC. When I met my DH I had done my parenting and my youngest was almost 17 while his was 7.

My youngest DSS2 is now 22 we had to make a lot of big decisions because at age 9 his bio DM threw him out and I did a crash course on DS parenting. Is this guy just a bit of fun for you or are you serious about him? His DD is apart of his life you cannot sideline as if you could he probably would not be someone you'd want to be with.

[redhotchilipepper]

hi and thanks- i just needed to hear a fresh opinion and you were both really helpful. I only joined this yesterday- i get the gist of the abbreviations but what is DH, DD etc? Thanks

[ineedabodytransplant]

DH - darling husband.
DD - darling daughter
DS - darling son

[Diggs]

Im in a similar position , and this is my take on it. I am an adult and i want an adult relationship . I absoluteley will not be spending my precious child free time tramping round the park with his kids . Or his mother , or any other member of his family . I am having a relationship with him , not his kids nor anyone else. I have explained to him that it is quite possible to have relationships with other adults without the kids having to be in on that . Mine also wanted to spend time with my kids and i was very clear in the same way . A relationship with me does not mean automatic rights to a relationship with my kids and vice versa .

It isnt personal , i like his kids , we get on well and we chat when i see them and i dont want to progress it beyond that for several reasons . Time with his kids is exactly that , HIS time , i dont feel i should be in on that . I have very little child free time , and i cherish it . I would also not want to spend my precious child free time with a freinds child , or my sisters child and i would expect them to understand this . If i wanted to spend MORE time with kids i would spend it with my own .

Expect some social pressure about this , i got lots , from comments assuming he is a bit of fun or that i was being inconsiderate towards the kids . You dont have to bow to it if you dont want to because actually its not reasonable to make someone feel pressurized .

Weve had several conversations about this and i know he was quite hurt at the time . He once commented that if i wanted someone without any baggage i would have to find someone else . I commented that if he wanted to date in the real world he would have to make some child free time to do that . Women will not enjoy dates in the park with the kids and he was being unrealistic in expecting that at this stage . We are not a family and im not willing to play happy families .

Obviously at some stage this will change , and if it does it will happen naturally and gradually . For now i want a relationship with an adult man that involves neither my kids or his .

[redhotchilipepper]

Thank you, Diggs. I feel exactly the same as you.I have little time with my own children and really want that on my own as it is so precious. I also think that if I have a relationship, that does not mean that I have to impose it upon my children.
I also really want him to spend as much time with his children and feel that i do not have to be there. In fact i can't understand why he does not want his children all to himself!!
When my children go to see my ex- their father- the most common complaint is that 'she' - new partner- is always there and that they don't get to see their dad on his own. I do not want to be seen like this. They like her but don't really want to be with her. And why should they?
I really value your feedback and now I don't feel so bad.
I was feeling pressurised but believe in total honesty and I think by imposing a new partner on your children may actually not be the best thing for your children. They may say it's fine and they like them, but I really think they would value time just with their parents.
As a chilld, Had the situation occured , I really don't think that I would like to have to had spend time with my mum's new partner in all honesty( this is speculation as my parents stayed together).
In fact I am 47 now and if my mum found a new parnter since the loss of my dad, I would be glad for her but I am not sure that I would want to see him every time I see my mum. I am an adult and can rationalise it, and would do as much as possible to help my mum, but inside I would not really like it.
Thanks everyone.

[Diggs]

I totally agree Redhot , my children would also not be happy to spend their time with dads girlfreind and i think it nice your considering his children in this way .