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How do you tell whether your dh is after sex or just a cuddle...

(128 Posts)
DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 12:54:40

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DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 13:03:40

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Teenytiny Mon 13-Jun-11 13:06:03

Well when df wants sex i know lol. but ive never turned him down so i think if i did he would feel shocked lol.

DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 13:07:52

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Teenytiny Mon 13-Jun-11 13:08:38

yes lol im the one with a higher sex drive. x

Teenytiny Mon 13-Jun-11 13:10:04

do you tell him you wont want sex a lot?

TheGoddessBlossom Mon 13-Jun-11 13:10:10

I don't know if this is necessarily the answer, but DH never initiates it as he doesn't want to be rebuffed - so I initiate it. Which makes it all on my terms but he doesn't seem to mind that.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops Mon 13-Jun-11 13:10:33

I always assume he wants sex. If I'm not up for it I tend to tell him straight away as he doesn't always understand.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 13-Jun-11 13:10:33

I tend to say "that's very nice, I'm enjoying the cuddle, but I'm not really up for anything else right now". I think honestly, he's always hoping it turns into more, but it allows him to withdraw from the situation with dignity. There's no reason in the world why you should agree to sex you don't want, but it is still a rejection, so a technique that allows both parties to feel as little rejected as possible is a good idea.

I'll also try and make a date - you know we've been so tired this week, why don't we make an effort tomorrow night, have a glass of wine together and go to bed early?".

BertieBotts Mon 13-Jun-11 13:11:46

To answer your question - we don't really differentiate between "cuddles" and "sex". If DP wants sex and I don't I just say "No thanks" and we just carry on cuddling. Sometimes the cuddling leads on to sex. It just seems to flow, though, not one person pushing the other. If we feel like the other isn't responding then we back off.

But to answer your unasked question, I've been in a relationship like that as well, and it was utterly draining and horrible. Sex isn't the problem. It's an underlying thing/your attitudes to sex not being compatible (or possibly his attitude to sex being dickish) which is the problem.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 13-Jun-11 13:12:40

Honestly, though, you've explained what you need from him, you're communicating clearly, he's the one who's getting the huff anyway and here you are worrying that it's you that's got it wrong? It seems like he's only treating you like an actual person when he wants to get laid, and then annoyed with you for not fulfilling your 'role'. It's not really on.

DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 13:14:03

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buzzsore Mon 13-Jun-11 13:14:09

Well, it's not surprising he's not turning you on with an attitude like that.

If the relationship is generally good, then I would try again with the talk and set up a rule where he never works through meals and gives you time daily, instead of just when he's got the horn.

If otoh he treats you like a domestic appliance with a vagina (as I think SGB describes it), you have bigger problems.

Teenytiny Mon 13-Jun-11 13:14:26

I can totally understand why you would be annoyed if you are being rejected all the time.

DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 13:14:39

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Teenytiny Mon 13-Jun-11 13:15:31

i dont feel very lucky lol cos my man is like a typical women rarely wants it and im like the typical man wants it often lol :/

DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 13:20:40

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BertieBotts Mon 13-Jun-11 13:21:33

In fact I don't think I even say anything, because he can just tell if I'm interested in more than a cuddle. If one of us gets the signals slightly wrong then we will just say though, and know it won't be a problem.

I think thinking about it, the difference in this issue from this relationship to my last relationship is that with DP we always assume the other is up for cuddles. If one of us refused a cuddle we'd be very confused and hurt and wonder what was wrong. But equally I almost always do want to cuddle him, in the same way that a hug from a friend, or a sister, or the DC would always be welcome. We understand that the other might not be interested in sex at all times though and respect that. Whereas with XP, if I wanted a cuddle he'd always interpret it as a signal that I wanted sex. If he wanted a cuddle he would always try to move it on to sex. He seemed to have no concept that sexual and non-sexual affection could exist separately. And so I stopped wanting to cuddle him, because of what it implied (and other issues in the relationship that made me not feel much like cuddling either).

Does that make sense?

DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 13:26:29

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BertieBotts Mon 13-Jun-11 13:27:39

I can't feel sexy in a short time either. Occasionally DP has come over for an hour before work or once or twice during work blush and although we might have been text-flirting and building up to having a "quickie" and I'm excited by the idea, when he gets here, it just feels forced and sort of fake and rushed and I can't get into it, and then he has to leave straight afterwards and I feel SHIT. This happened once, then it started happening again and we ended up stopping once or twice halfway through sex because I just wasn't into it. And we have decided not to have pre-arranged quickies now, because although we don't often take an hour to have sex anyway, the time limit makes me feel pressured and I just can't enjoy it.

If you've tried rebuilding the connection and it's not working, is that because he isn't trying and only you are, or do you think it's a symptom of bigger things?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 13-Jun-11 13:28:48

He's hurt and taking it out on you, but not because you were actually being hurtful. As you say, you spelled it out. You've spelt it out before. He doesn't want to actually bother being a companion and contributing in the ways that you've said are important to you, he wants you to be happy and compliant and put out on demand.

BertieBotts Mon 13-Jun-11 13:29:48

Sorry, I'm slow at typing today. DS keeps getting me to make toast!

It sounds like he's being overly defensive?

BertieBotts Mon 13-Jun-11 13:30:22

Is he defensive with everything and everyone, or is this an isolated issue?

(Willing to bet it's not wink)

DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 13:33:58

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DrGruntFotter Mon 13-Jun-11 13:36:57

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