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help pls :((

(35 Posts)
sjsd Sun 12-Jun-11 15:14:32

i am mum of 2 aged 18mths n 5yr and im currently 12weeks pregnant with my 3rd, i was with my partner to the bby im carrying for 16mths the father of my other hasnt had anythng to do with them for the last 19mths, there wa alot of violence n emotional abuse frm him and he is currently dragging me through the courts for access to his kids, he caused me n them alot of pain n heartache over the yrs which affected us deeply, he tore away my confidence n made me feel worthless, anyway i met the lad im pregnant to now n realy landed on my feet he is sooo nice and caring and hes realy bonded with my 2kiddies, but unfortunatly due to my past relationship i was always waiting for the rug to be pulled from under me as i felt i didnt deserve the happiness n the family life i now had this has affected our relationship to the point where my unborn babys dad doesnt want to b with me as i have pushed him away and in his words i didnt give him a fair chance which i didnt, he has promised to be there for the bby n kids which i know he will cos he has never let me down, but i am absolutly gutted as he doesnt want a relationship with me and im the one to blame for letting my past affect mine n my kiddies future, i am scared to death of bein a single mum to 3kiddies n watchin the love of my life move on n start a new relationship, i dnt want to force him into a relationship jus for the kiddies sake, he says he still loves me n there are still feelings there im jus soo scared and realy struggln to hold it all together any advice??????????

pink4ever Sun 12-Jun-11 15:16:44

Yes. Ditch the text speak.

TheSecondComing Sun 12-Jun-11 15:18:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NettleTea Sun 12-Jun-11 15:19:14

have you thought about getting some councilling to help you restore your self esteem and understand the warning signs for future relationships. Your partner may be willing to try if you are making an effort to deal with the demons from your past, but even if not, it will help you to be able to form a trusting relationship in the future.

statueofliberty Sun 12-Jun-11 15:20:15

Oh you poor girl,I'm so sorry your going thru this.I have no advice,I'm sure somebody else will.good luck

sjsd Sun 12-Jun-11 15:24:03

no the ex hasnt met his daughter and the only contact ive had from him is him sending social services to my home and vile facebook messages, and the only time ive sen him is in court, no the bby wasnt plannd.

and thnx 4 tht pink 4ever v. hlpful

Mouseface Sun 12-Jun-11 15:28:52

Paragraphs make your posts easier to read. smile

I'm sure the thought of being a single mother with three children is not what you planned for yourself but it sounds as though you aren't really ready to be in a relationship in the first place.

How long have you been with your current partner?

Was this baby planned?

Have you ever considered or had counselling following your abusive past?

It sounds to me as though you have a lot going on too! Court proceedings and ex partners.......

What is it that you really want?

It's not fair on your current partner to keep blowing hot and cold with him, I should imagine he's trying very hard to be all that you need given past relationships, but there's only so many times you can push someone away before they will really leave.

I think you need to consider his feelings as well as your own and decide what you do actually want here.

And please, if you decide you can't be in a relationship right now, don't stay together for the sake of the children.

It's better to have two happy parents living seperate lives, than two living together under duress and a cloud of resentment.

Mouseface Sun 12-Jun-11 15:30:16

OP - please stop with the text type, it makes your posts very hard to read. smile

And I see I X posted with others. blush

sjsd Sun 12-Jun-11 15:40:48

ive been with him for 16mths, no the baby wasnt planned but it is wanted by us both, all i want is to be happy,

i want my children to be happy, i know ive been a cow with him, i dont mean to be the relationship we had for the most part is what i always wanted but then the past would interfere, the last thing i wanted to do is push him away

he has been there and ive thrown it all back in his face,

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou Sun 12-Jun-11 15:49:45

next time, spend a bit more time getting to know the type of person they are before dragging more kids into it, is my advice

Mouseface Sun 12-Jun-11 15:55:46

Thank you, that's easier to read smile

So, does he know all about your past? Does he know why you do this? Why you are horrid to him?

I too come from a very abusive past, mental, physical and sexual. I'm 7 years clear of that now. My gorgeous DH and I have been together for six years and STILL I wait for the bubble to burst. He knows everything but I couldn't just tell him in one go, it leaks out. Not always when I expect it either.

It's hard. It's really hard to trust and move on and from what you've said, this wasn't all that long ago.

I tried counselling but found it too hard to open all the boxes I had spent years closing and burying at the back of my mind.

There's no quick fix for your insecurities but you must talk to him. You have to tell him how you feel and why. But most of all you have to tell him that it's not him.

It's an aweful situtation for him too if all he wants to do is love you and the children, look after you, help you to heal. He must get frustrated with it all because he knows he'll never hurt you, whereas you don't.

Only time will prove that to you. Maybe that's time you don't have but if he loves you and really wants this to work, then you have to tell him as much as you can face, and tell him that in time, it will come and you will let go of the past. One way or the other.

WRT your XP, why is he taking you to court?

Mouseface Sun 12-Jun-11 15:57:00

Uncalled for ooohyouareawful

I'm guessing that the OP knows this for herself.

sjsd Sun 12-Jun-11 16:07:40

i have told him before why i am like i am, but to be honest i am embarrassed by my past and the fact that allowed a low life like my ex to make me into the pesron i am, so distrusting.

hes told me he will never hurt me, and deep down i know he wouldnt, he has done so much for me and the kiddies and i feel awful i realy do.

the ex is wanting access to the children but i am opposing this due to the violence and harrasement and lack of commitment to the kiddies, he has had indirect contact since last august wherby he can send cards and letters to the kiddies they have received 4 thus proves his lack of commitment, hopefuly from what my solicitor has said the proceedings should be over end of august

TheSecondComing Sun 12-Jun-11 16:13:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux Sun 12-Jun-11 16:22:09

Get some counselling. You've got to get yourself sorted out or you'll mess up your kids as well. Some people will probably really flame me for this, but I don't think you're ready for another child.

You will not be able to love someone else properly until you've learnt to
Ove yourself. That means being proud of yourself, not being embarrassed about your past, and getting your head in a sensible space.

You've achieved a lot by getting away from your vile ex. Build on that.

ATripperToTheLast Sun 12-Jun-11 16:22:31

lol (sic) at pink

FullTimeStudentNurseAndMumOf3 Sun 12-Jun-11 16:29:04

Speak to your Health Visitor or midwife. Be honest with everything. As hard as it is. You need to sort this and owe it to your kids to do so. There is help out there but you need to go and seek it and you can only do that with absolute 100 per cent honesty. You can do it, your strong enough xxx

sjsd Sun 12-Jun-11 16:34:34

i just need to chill out and give my head a wobble. i think the situation is being made worse by the fact that i am pregnant and probably too emotional today i need to think of the kiddies and take him at his word that he will stand by us i just need to show him this and hopefully it will all fall into place, but if not at least i no i can be happy on my own

FullTimeStudentNurseAndMumOf3 Sun 12-Jun-11 16:39:34

Yes I'm a victim of pregnancy hormones myself! But do work on your own self esteem. Hard as it is it's great that you can see the mistakes you've made with your partner. Be 100% honest with him no matter how embarrassed it makes you feel. I was abused as a child and had huge emotional problems throughout my life. Fortunately for the sake of my children I've sought and had help. In the meantime I put my DH through hell at times. Complete honesty got me through. Best of luck xx

ATripperToTheLast Sun 12-Jun-11 16:51:44

I wish somebody would post a step by step 'how to improve your self esteem' on here. It must be awful for you with having two young children, this hanging over your head, and a baby on the way, and now a partner who has been pushed away because you don't know how to deal with your insecurities. I still have major insecurities and blurt out the most unbelievable things to dp of 9 years, and I don't know how to get over myself either. Would be very interested to see if any people here could put a list, a sort of self-help type thing for people who either don't want to see a counsellor or who can't afford to.

Mouseface Sun 12-Jun-11 16:54:37

You will be just fine on your own if that's what happens in the end.

But all the advice here is right, you have to deal with your past, one way or another before you can build a future together with your DP.

Your XP sounds lovely, not hmm. You are doing the right thing by stopping him seeing the children due to his violent behaviour but be prepared for him to get supervised access at a contact centre in the end.

Speak to your midwife as others had said about the issues you are facing. They are there for YOU as well as the baby.

You can't do this alone. You need support. Whether in the form of counselling, health visitor, midewife or a sure start support worker, there is help out there, you just have to take that very first step and ask for it, if not for yourself, do it for your DCs.

Mouseface Sun 12-Jun-11 16:59:54

Tripper - different things work for different people but for me it was about knowing that I was in control of my life. Finally, I had broken free from my abuser, I had realised that actualy, this is not the life I want nor deserve.

Once you start to value yourself, love the person who you are, or even like the person you are, then you can start to rebuild yourself and truly start to heal.

Everyone needs differnt things IME, some just need a few kind words, supportive friends, others need to disect themselves in a mental way, an emotional way and others need to completly ditach from the past, from the person that they were to even begin to take a step forward.

FullTimeStudentNurseAndMumOf3 Sun 12-Jun-11 17:03:46

I can only speak from my own experience and I know how ruddy hard it can be. However, positive thinking eventually worked for me. It's very, very hard at first when your mind and self esteem are so low. Particularly mixed with preg hormones. Google Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I think there are some sites that offer a computer version. I know that positive thinking is hard to do and I no means claim to be an expert but I feel so much for you and can only say what helped me. It's no easy task to raise an esteem that's been trampled on but by looking at what you have, your children, and what you've achieved, recognising the problem, and reaching out to others for help I'd a start. Try and see the positives. After each positive give yourself a mental clap on the back, slowly but surely your brain will automatically start seeing things more positively. Your brain is simply a computer that needs re programming. Each positive is a step on the ladder to self esteem. Apologies for my spelling, grammar and lack of paragraphs. I hope this helps, I really do. Big hugs xxx

sjsd Sun 12-Jun-11 17:11:34

thanks all, i guess theres only me that can change all this, i need to take charge and control and focus on the good in my life and there is alot smile and instead of dwelling on the bad and past i need to look to the future and remember my kiddies i dont want my actions to affect my kiddies relationships i would be devesated if my daughter ended up in the pickles ive been in

i need to prove to my bloke that i am worth the hassle smile
and i shouldnt be worrying over what people think of my past but i should be proud of my self that i removed myself and more importantly my kiddies from a terrible situation with my ex

loopylou6 Sun 12-Jun-11 17:20:33

You need a good honest chat with your dp, assure him that you want it to work and you will be doing everything in your power to help yourself. Maybe your GP could referou for some counselling? smile y

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