Fed up being a cycling widow!

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

I'll probably sound unreasonable but we hardly ever seem to do anything as a family at the weekends. My DH likes his cycling, as do I but I'm not obsessive about it. He is determined to get really fit for various events he's in but it takes over our lives and I'm frankly bored by it now. I can't remember when we last did something together as a family that didn't involve cycling of some sort. He's been out for over 4 hours now and when he gets back he'll be knackered and not up for anything else. So he'll sit around eating, relaxing and yet another fecking day will have gone past with me getting more and more irate about keeping the kids amused myself on a weekend. Grrrrrrrr! If it wasn't cycling I'm sure it would be something else.

[LadyLapsang]

When he gets home, give him a kiss and head out, to the cinema, a gallery, a swim etc., whatever floats your boat. If he says anything then you can start to discuss personal time and family time. Actions speak loader, and can sometimes be more effective, than words. The worse thing you can do is sit at home resenting him and being a doormat.

[cybbo]

Yes just go out and leave him in house with kids and dont feel guilty. Go out for 4 hours

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

Have just been told that if I feel that bad about him going out cycling (for 8 hours on a Sunday) then I shouldn't go out to my concert on Tuesday evening. It's been booked for months and it's on a weeknight. Perhaps I should have put this on the 'am I being unreasonable' thread. Feeling particularly crap now. I shouldn't be a dormat. I did go out for a walk with the kids eventually.
It's probably a manifestation of many other underlying things. Sigh :(

[cybbo]

Thats a very nasty retort from him, and extremely unfair

[FakePlasticTrees]

oh VGS - i feel for you, DH is into his cycling, but not 8 hours on a weekend!

How about when things carm down, tell him he needs to discuss in advance how much time he things is reasonable to have to himself, assuming you get the same, and how much time should your DCs expect to have as a family? (Perhaps spilt the weekend into 4 'slots' - two am two pm - he gets one to himself, you get one to yourself and the DCs get to have you all as a family for 2 time slots, and he has to agree in advance which ones he's having/your having)

Also, did he not say he'd be out all day? If not, you need to talk to him about his rudeness of keeping you waiting, if you knew he wouldn't be around for the whole day you could have planned a day out.

I would also suggest that evenings out - when the DCs will be in bed anyway - aren't the same as they aren't using 'family time' up for personal hobbies - DH does go riding for an hour every other evening, but after DS is in bed. Again, if that's an issue, carve them up, half each. I see no reason why one family member's hobby should be at the expense of the others....

[FakePlasticTrees]

Oh and he needs to parent the DCs too, not just leave weekends to you. He owes them some time to do what they enjoy, not just forcing them to join in what he wants to do.

[LadyLapsang]

Why shouldn't you go to the concert? Must say I've never practised all this you need to get permission before you go out type of thing but when there starts to be an imbalance or lack of consideration then a weekend away (you, that is) seems to concentrate their minds back onto family and home; nothing like a few days of running after the children for them to appreciate what you're talking about and what you actually do.

[Pedallleur]

What's he doing that takes 8 hours? My partner knocked out 50 miles this am thro' some steep parts of W.Yorks in 3 hous 30 and I did 73 miles yesterday in under 5 hours. What events is he 'training' for? I'll also bet he's hankering after carbon wheels etc. It's a question of balance. We have an 8 mnth old so we take it in turns to go riding. How old are the children and could he go out with them or if you are near a velodrome, take them there and get them riding on the track

[nevergoogle]

cycling family here too. we try to share the time. he gets saturdays and i get sundays for the long rides.
8 hours sounds a long time, is he shit at it?

[gourd]

He is being rather selfish. Don't go for a walk with the kids when he gets back - leave the kids with him. If he's too knackered after cycling to entertain them then that's his problem. Being a parent and a cyclist is tough, but parenting should come first. He needs to leave enough in the tank to be able to entertain the kids when he comes back (perhaps a shorter ride?) so you can go out or do whatever you want to do. Personally I never found long slow rides did anything for my fitness. All long rides do is make you good at long rides - and they wear you out over time. The higher my mileage the slower I got and it took longer to recover. I reckon he'd get a lot more benefit out of doing half the distance at a higher speed. Tell him to do some time trials instead (no, NOT a 24 hour one!) - a 10 or 25 mile TT takes minutes, not hours and it's a nice sociable morning at HQ too, where you can all meet up for tea and cakes afterwards.

[gourd]

It's about adapting your interests to fit around family life. Of course you can both still cycle, but the type of cycling and the distance/time spent on it may have to change, to give both of you some time to pursue your interest and some time together as a family. Tell him it's adapt or die!

[GooseyLoosey]

DH used to do this when ds was a baby. I had been stuck at home alone with ds all week. No family around, lived in a small village and couldn't drive. Then at the weekend, dh would go out for a long training ride on Saturday and often drive to a race on Sunday so would be out for hours. I was distraught.

When we had our second child, I said I would divorce him if he did not spend more time with me and the children than with the bike!

I so get where you are coming from.

[Omigawd]

He's being totally unreasonable, I'd go with the 4 time slots each weekend. Make sure next weekend you are off somewhere for the afternoon and tell him he has the kids.

Also, 8 hrs cycling training! I'd wonder if a long stopover is happening somewhere tbh.

[Pedallleur]

Of course there is. If he is on a club run with his mates they prob. spend 90 mins+ at a cafe. If he is regualrly doing 100 miles plus then I can see how the time is going but he should negotiate these rides.

[barbiegrows]

Hi - enjoy time without him around. Do what you really want to do with friends and kids together. Make it work. Ignore his cycling - he'd probably be a pain without it anyway. Take lots of pictures when you are out on trips with the kids and show him a slideshow every so often. The kids will love you for it (even more). He's losing out, not you!

[londonartemis]

I know where you are coming from here V. My DH cycles too. But in my view there are three things here to look out for

• first he has to make time for the children with or without you (if you are doing your own thing);
  
• second he has to accept you will need to do your own thing - whether weekday or week end;
  
• and most importantly (because this is what my DH and I often neglect because time is so squeezed) he must make time to be with you, and you only, and not be too knackered.
  
  So many of these cyclists go on these long all-day races and then come home knackered and only fit for sleep. But they've got to realise they've got to fit that round their family's NEEDS.

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

He did 110 miles with a coffee stop. It was more the inconsideration - he never took his phone to let me know how long he'd be. Normally he'll go out and do 50-60 miles in a weekend morning but it still means that it usually happens on the best day of the weekend i.e. when we should be doing something nice with the kids.

I cycle too. He argues that since I don't work I can go out during the week when the kids are at school and he doesn't get time to himself like the six hours a day I get (obviously the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.etc and do all the kid activities from school pick up until bed time happens all by itself).

The underlying thing is we hardly spend any time together. He just doesn't seem to want to be with me anymore. He denies this and says I'm wonderful and he can't imagine being with anyone else but I just feel like a drudge. I can and do go out on the bike during the week but I'd much rather do stuff with the kids as a family and then perhaps get a baby sitter the odd occasion and go out for a meal just the two of us. Never sodding happens! Last time we were offered a freebie babysit he was too knackered to go out. He'd only moan about the food anyway!

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

Well I can add that I'm going cycling this Sunday so he can enjoy father's day being a father

[barbiegrows]

Impressed about father's day - very restrained of you!

You work 11 hours a day - let's say 2 hours for morning run, 2 hours chores plus 7 hours after school in the evening? Write it down in black and white. You cycle during your spare time - each to their own. He cycles in his spare time. Fine. Then decide which day is family day and stick to it? Or even just family afternoon? If you want to go out with him - set it up - don't wait for him to. He's too tired from all that cycling.

[londonartemis]

Seriously, V, don't let the you and him time together slip. It's too easy to let it happen. And it's much harder work to build it up again, because by that time, a great deal of resentment can have become embedded and you can lose touch with simple things about each other.
(speaking from experience!)

[gourd]

Hang on, why should you have to cycle during the week, after your work, when roads are busy? Why can't he cycle after his work and you have some time to ride at the weekend? Perhaps some kind of arrangement where you take turns and one of you has a weekday ride when the other rides the weekend, then swap, might be a good idea. That would leave a whole day at a weekend to be together as a family and/or go out just the two of you. I think you should tell him exactly what you said in that post about feeling like a drudge. Tell him you want to spend more time just the two of you as well as all together as a family. Perhaps he doesn't realise that you need couple time (even if he doesn't think he does). It sounds as if the two of you have different priorities and that's where the conflict is. You need to talk about this with him at a time when he'd not feeling knackered from riding and you're not feeling stressed or emotional about it (i.e. not when he's just come home from cycling). I agree with barbiegrows that it would be a good idea to have some kind of agreed rota or arrangement for weekends that you both stick to.

[barbiegrows]

gourd by 'work' I meant looking after kids work (she's at home). Sorry to confuse.

[pink4ever]

Op-do you have doormat written across your forehead? because that is what you are coming across as!. Simply tell your dh that this behaviour s not acceptable and that if he keeps it up he will be living elsewhere!.
Having a hobby is all well and good but it needs to fit around family life and not the other way around.
I was in a similiar situation with my own dh. He works very long hours(am sahm too) and his hobby was gaming. He spent hours at the weekend playing and would leave me to entertain the kids. If I complained then I also got the "oh well I work hard all week and you do nowt" argument!!. Eventually I snapped and told him in no uncertain terms that it wasnt good enough. Now we spend time together as a family on a sat and in the evening he looks after the kids so I can have a couple of hours to myself. Also helps that his games console has broken. Could you not put punctures in your dh's bike?/have it "stolen"?.

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

I don't begrudge him his cycling. And he does cycle to and from work when he can. Although I cycle, it's not the major hobby in my life and I'm not THAT bothered if I don't go on a ride. It's more the spending time together thing, feeling like we/I come second best.

I do go out one night each week out of principle to make sure I have some me time. He goes out one night a week with club cycling during the summer months.

TBH we don't function well as a couple (IMO) but hey ho he seems to think life is adequately wonderful.

[ihearthuckabees]

VG he probably does think you're wonderful, it's just he adores cycling too. It seems to easily become an obsession (another cycling widow here). My solution was to allow DH to get DS into cycling too, and now they go off together and leave me to do what I want. (I like time on my own, and don't get much, as DH and I both work from home!). I have it easy though, as only have one DC.

As for family time, I've instigated a non-negotiable movie and pizza night once a week (usually Fridays). It's not much, but it's better than it used to be, as I have the added problem that my DH is self-employed, so no cut-off for when to stop work, and he helps run several cycling clubs/organisations!!

As a compromise, I also go to watch DH and DS race sometimes, which is a 'if you can't beat 'em, join em' approach. If you are into cycling, can't you persuade your DH to do family rides? If DC are still little, a good tagalong bike works wonders. You could ride to a nice cafe and have lunch together.

Also, if we're going to my sisters or my mums, say, for lunch, he will often ride there (they both live around 20 miles away) while I drive, then he gets some miles in, and it doesn't really affect the family time bit.

I realise none of this addresses the fact that he disappears for 8 hours without bothering to tell you. You definitely need to play him at his own game and disappear off out early on a Saturday (without mobile) and leave him with the kids til you feel like coming back. That should open up a bit of a dialogue