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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

violent child, advice please?

30 replies

hurryup · 12/06/2011 11:17

I asked my H to move out 9 weeks ago after years of emotional, verbal and physical violence. Life was great until 5 weeks ago, it was such a relief and I felt safe. Then my 12 year old son started the same behaviour although far, far worse. The name calling is horrific, I have been lying on the floor with him hitting and kicking me, I've had chairs thrown at me and all of this in front of my other children. It's happened every few days. He's been referred to child mental health and is being seen in 10 days, however it feels as if I've jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. It was easier accepting this from my H, and now it's made me doubt my decision to leave him. Has anyone had a similar experience?

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Loonytoonie · 12/06/2011 11:26

God almighty.
Do not doubt for one reason, that separating wasn't the right thing. You have done absolutely the right thing. Getting a MH referral is also a good thing. Your son sounds deeply, deeply affected by what he's seen and needs immediate help. I don't have experience so can't advise, I'm sorry. Hopefully someone else will be around. I saw this thread and didn't want to leave it un replied.

How about his school? Would it be a good thing to get them on board - at least it night help engage other help and support? I don't know. How old are your other children? How is he to to them?

ilovepesto · 12/06/2011 11:26

hurryup, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't really have any advice but wanted you to know that you sound like you're doing all the right things. Firstly your husband has gone and that can only be a good thing. I suspect your son has gone through much of the trauma you have and will need support in getting through this. You've already set this up for him. You sound amazing. Please remember, everything you are doing is the right thing. No one in this world should have to endure abuse of this kind under any circumstances. Your son will in time come through this with your love and support. Keep strong and make use of your real life friends too. Good luck and best wishes.

Loonytoonie · 12/06/2011 11:27

Also, in the last 9 weeks, has he had contact with his father? What's your contact with your 'H'?

hurryup · 12/06/2011 11:38

My husband has been for once great, he's talked to him and physically pulled him off me on occasions. He's been round every day. It's so hard as we're nearly 10 weeks down the line, I'm in a worse state that before and now on citalopram and diazepam to cope with my depression and anxiety that's developed. I thought I'd be feeling happier now, it's such a struggle.

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buzzsore · 12/06/2011 11:39

You did absolutely the right thing to get out from your violent relationship. Don't doubt that for a moment - that man is at the root of why your son is acting like this and needs to be as far away from him as is possible.

Practically, can you call anyone to pull him off you? (Not ex, but do you have any family you could get round to intervene/talk to him whe he goes off on one?) You may have to consider the police if it gets this bad again.

Have you talked to Women's Aid - they will have experience and advice to help both with coping with the aftermath of your relationship and with your son.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

hurryup · 12/06/2011 11:40

The other children are 13, 9, 7 and 3. He's starting to turn on them if they stand up for me. I thought I was doing the right thing but now life is so unbearable I just don't understand anything.

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buzzsore · 12/06/2011 11:40

x-posted.

Your h is why your son thinks it's alright to act out his anger on you. He's not great, you need to find support elsewhere. Please.

hurryup · 12/06/2011 11:43

I don't know who else to ask for support, I just feel isolated and so ashamed about the whole thing.

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Loonytoonie · 12/06/2011 11:45

Definitely Woman's Aid, as buzzsore said. Contact them immediately hurryup. In the meantime, tell you H to stay away - it's too convenient for him to be playing the fucking saviour when it's him, him that's the absolute cause. He's messed his son's head right up (and your other children's) and this is the result.

Did your H beat your children? Am asking this gently (often the typed word can come across as harsh and demanding - it's not meant this way)

Loonytoonie · 12/06/2011 11:51

Don't you dare be ashamed. Do not. This isn't your doing.
What's relations like with your DC when he's not in kicking off mood?

hurryup · 12/06/2011 11:52

Yes, once. That was why he left and as predicted, it was the child who is now beating me. Women's aid is a good idea, I'll ring them. It's the whole controlling thing though, he wants to know who I'm ringing, who I'm texting, where I'm going. I had a male friend at work, he was so supportive but caused so much more trouble so he decided that it would be better for us to limit our friendship to work only so now I'm feeling sad about that as well. It's such a fucking mess.

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hurryup · 12/06/2011 11:53

The other children and I get on well, I tiptoe around ds 2 on eggshells.

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Loonytoonie · 12/06/2011 12:01

Womans Aid is your next call. Also, I assume your boy is in Year 7? It's worth maybe engaging their help. Make an appointment to see his head of Year? Without your son's knowledge. Get them on board - some schools have good counselling services. Your son is hurting. He's lashing out at the closest to him. I feel so sad for you. What about your other family? Anyone close around that can support you all? Another 'safe' male figure? BIL, your brother? Dad? You need more real life support.
Tell your husband to not contact you in the meantime. If he cannot support this, threaten him with (God, I don't really know the legal stuff....) a restraining order?

Loonytoonie · 12/06/2011 12:03

hurryup I'm not leaving the thread, but am popping out to collect DD2 from Sunday School. WIll be back as soon as I can. Hang on in there.

buzzsore · 12/06/2011 12:08

You definitely need to stop having your ex come round - it's giving off all the wrong signals, both to him and to your son.

What does it say to your ds that his dad left because he beat him, but still gets to come round and physically intervene? Yes, you need someone to step in, but it shouldn't be the man that is capable of attacking both you and your child.

Please do call Women's Aid.

hurryup · 12/06/2011 15:48

Thank you for your advice, I agree it shouldn't be his dad that's helping as it's giving me doubts about something which took years to pluck up the courage to do. I just want to feel safe and happy in my home, not a victim again. Especially not at the hands of my own son. School know what's happeneing and have been supportive but say it's beyond them, he's fine at school which is something I guess. Now just need to wait for his appointment. Next week he's away on a school trip so now I'm racked with guilt as I'm so looking forward to him going.

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buzzsore · 12/06/2011 16:49

Don't feel guilty! Both of you will benefit from some time apart and you could do with a break. While he's away you can really get stuck into finding resources to help you with his behaviour.

neuroticmumof3 · 12/06/2011 17:06

Well done for leaving the relationship, I know right now it may not feel like an improvement for your children but it truly is. Sometimes it's only when kids feel safe that their anxieties and stresses can be given expression by awful behaviour. I agree with the others that getting his dad involved is not a good thing, if you're not careful you'll become dependent on him again and the whole control thing will just start up again. Also his dad is the cause of his behaviour so is hardly in a position to help solve it. It's good he's getting to see the mental health team, they may be aware of some specific courses to help children recover from the impact of DV, there's something in my area called 'bounce back for children'. Glad to hear you're getting a break next week, sounds like you need it.

matthew2002smum · 12/06/2011 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 12/06/2011 23:53

when we left my exP who had been aggresive my dd then 8 was quite aggresive and woud hit her sister then say "but i cant help it" - just as my exP would hit out then say "i cant help it" "you made me do it" etc... - not as severe as your situation (your DS is older, stronger) but as others said your child just needs help to deal with the issues, the separation, learn that he can control himself. it is very complex and he needs a family therapist who compeltely knows the whle background and can help your DS (and you) .
bringing your violent H back into the house to sort this out is NOT the answer.

maybe your ds is saying - why is this man back in the house? why is he here every day? and the only way he can express himself is agression - because he saw this in your H

behaviour is communciation - espec in a child .

please keep your H out of the house and away from you and the children until you and DS andall have seen family therpaist/ counsellor/child psychologist

barbiegrows · 13/06/2011 00:06

Totally agree with what cestlavie says here. Keep ex OUT. Even if it means keeping DS out for a while too. Remember you have lots of other children who need protection and should not witness this.

Take care.

pickgo · 13/06/2011 00:29

Do contact WA - there are specialist programmes to help children who have been witness to DV. The one I know about is really excellent. It's 18 weeks one night a week and the children just think it's a play environment initially, they approach it so gently and sensitively, never put the DCs on the spot or 'feed' them any attitudes.
Echo other posters - do NOT let your XH handle this - he shouldn't be any where near your DCs - if SS became involved they would definitely be against it. Go to a solicitor to start process to remove access/limit to supervised access.
I think you/Dcs really need some professional support to help, and then I'm sure you'll start to relax and feel happier.

sugartongue · 13/06/2011 11:03

Do you think he's doing it because he feels as though you didn't protect him from his dad? Don't hear that as a judgment, it isn't, but if it's the case you really need DH to stay away - how horrifying for the man who beat you to then be the one who steps in. Not good. Get DH away by any means possible. try and find some time just for you and the DS, i know probably impossible with 4 other DC. I'll be thinking of you

CoffeeBeany · 13/06/2011 11:06

My aunt went through this with my cousin. Her abusive husband left (or was kicked out) and her 13 year old son began to take over where his dad left off. Physically attacking her, swearing, calling her names, throwing things at her - one day he had her on the floor beating her up and her other son called the police. The lad was arrested and charged with assault. He never raised a hand to her again.

Not much help I know but just wanted to say I have heard of this happening before.

pickgo · 13/06/2011 23:54

Yeah, not much help CoffeeBeany. Duh.

Hurryup are you okay? It must be so confusing for you and DCs to have H back there playing the hero when actually you are all his victims.

DS is trying to process the disturbing violence he's been witness to. He is probably very upset, confused and traumatised and is expressing these emotions in the way he's been 'taught' by his dad through his childhood. He will need some professional help to gain insight into what has happened and to learn new ways of giving expression to stressful feelings.

Contact WA, your GP or even SS, all of whom can refer him to ensure he receives the help he deserves.

You've made huge steps to protect your Dcs, now follow it through so that you can all feel happier and have a better life. Take the next step and get the help you and DCs need.

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