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One Upmanship

(9 Posts)
Flippingebay Fri 10-Jun-11 10:13:47

Just after a bit of advice really, on the whole I'm really happy with the relationship me and my DH have. We fight like most people but generally are able to resolve stuff and make up quickly and, form the most part, feel we have a really good partnership.

One thing that really gets my goat, and something I could do with some advice on, is the constant one upmanship that happens if we have a disagreement about something.

For example I might say, 'can you do the washing up', to which he may respond (not always, but its the best example I can think of without going into details) 'well I bathed DD' This is a light example but it runs through most disagreements we have, it can be about menial stuff, or really heavy relationship discussions. It always seems to be a competition about who's done what and what that then stands for - it's almost like a brownie point system,

It can be exhausing when we are trying to resolve anything.

I'm sure some of it is my own doing, I'd just like a few ideas on how I can stop myself doing it and how to stop him reacting like it. We've both talked about it on several occasions and tried to stop it, but in the heat of the moment it's difficult not to get dragged into it.

I've just re-read that and hope it makes sense...

buzzsore Fri 10-Jun-11 10:17:44

Well, if you can discuss what happens good-humouredly, perhaps you could agree a code-word or a silly joke that always makes you both laugh, to pull out when you start arguing in this way?

Flippingebay Fri 10-Jun-11 10:19:26

That's a great idea buzzsore thanks!

StickyProblem Fri 10-Jun-11 10:29:35

We sing that country song "No Charge" where the kid lists all the chores s/he did round the house and the mum sings back "For the nine months I held yeeewww..... growiiiing inside me...No Charge". Not sure if you break into song often with each other but it might work! smile

TeachMySelfBalance Fri 10-Jun-11 22:07:48

Could it be that he is using the one-ups-manship as a tactic to avoid answering you directly? Then the competition on 'points' obliterates the original question.

I think this is a form of disrespect towards you, no matter who wins on 'points'.

Try to not let him change the subject that way by saying something like, "Yes you did, thank you so much, but that is not what I was asking about just now."

Then if he give you a blank stare for a moment, it means that he wasn't listening to your question...don't flare on that...just repeat the question calmly and clearly and no attitude. It also helps to tack on a "that's a 'yes' or 'no' question". Then if you get anything other than a 'yes' or 'no' you can pretty much interpret it as a 'no'. You can confirm by saying, "so that 's a 'no'".

Next time he asks you something, use what he has taught you! I don't often advise tit for tat dynamics, but if it is used on him, he might see your point of view.

Flippingebay Mon 13-Jun-11 09:21:18

Thanks TeachMySelfBalance

Renaissance227 Fri 17-Jun-11 14:50:21

I've had this with my DP and we now stop each other before it gets too far.
I told him he reminded me of School for Scoundrels - If you are not one up you are one down! Silly, silly, silly. x

TeachMySelfBalance Fri 17-Jun-11 14:57:04


BeattieBow Fri 17-Jun-11 14:59:36

oh we do this too, about e.g who got the most sleep, who is doing the most childcare, who busier at work, who is more tired etc so last night when ds was sick we spent a little while this morning arguing about who did more when dh went to bed at 2 and I got up at 5.

I won i think because I'm at home with sick ds too. So more brownie points for me. ner.

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