Please respond, don't know what to do about this.

[marmajam]

Namechanged.
It is with a heavy heart that I say the following, but I really need advice.
Things have not been right between dh and myself for a while (no dc's as yet).
I realise that my behaviour has not been exactly great, but I am questioning what happened last night.
Trying to be as neutral as I can.
Dh has been trying to talk to me about the state of our relationship for days, he had a bit too much to drink and sat next to me on sofa. He tried to get me to converse with him, I would not. He kept going on and on. So I raised my right hand (he was to the right of me) as if to say 'enough'. I was in a bit of a temper myself, I admit as I was sick of him going on. He grabbed it and proceeded to hit himself across the face with it, saying' You are hurting me everyday like this'. He then let go of my hand and smashed a glass against his forehead. I just got up and left the room and stayed there until now.
Please I am not out for sensationalism and not a troll.
He has always had a hot temper but has not laid a finger on me before. I have been with him for 14 years. I feel a corner has been turned here. Please help.

[marmajam]

That should be I left for the spare room.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Hi marmajam,

When you say "things have not been right" between you and your DH, can you define that better? What does he do, what do you do, and how does it make you feel? When does his "hot temper" come out: what triggers it, and how does he behave? How is it resolved or discussed once the temper cools down, if the two of you discuss it at all?

[QueenofDreams]

Why don't you want to talk about the state of your relationship? It is odd but I would be very frustrated if I felt there were problems and I couldn't get DP to talk about it.

[Imnotaslimjim]

If this is a recent thing, I would think that something has changed to cause it

Why would you not talk to him? You've said yourself that there is problems in the relationship - talking about it is the only way to fix it. But saying that, hitting himself with your hand and then smashing a glass on his own face is not normal behaviour

i'm sure there will be others along soon with ideas on what to do about it

[midnightservant]

So why wouldn't you talk to him in the first place?

He didn't really lay a finger on you did he? He laid a finger on himself,

[jasper]

isn't it a good thing that he has been wanting to talk about your relationship?
Why do you not want to?
Are you afraid of something?

[marmajam]

I've been a bit down of late, I just get up and go to work and want to do little when I return. He tries to encourage me to go to clubs (not drinking variety), learn to drive so I can move to a job that gets me promotion and have more independence. I qualified in my job a few years ago and not really needed to drive. I admit that I have little enthusiasm for much and this includes sex.
I just want to sweep everything under the carpet.
I appreciate I must have been difficult to live with, I don't deny it.

He has shouted and got very upset by this in the past, ranted and raved, but quickly cools down. I have never felt scared, though. After last night, I do.

[jasper]

marmajam, are you depressed?

[Lemonylemon]

Do you think you might be depressed? I can imagine that your H has reached the end of his tether with trying to speak to someone who won't engage..... I'm not condoning what he did, but can understand it IYKWIM...

[buzzsore]

You sound like you might be depressed?

He sounds like he's out of control.

[marmajam]

Yes, I think I am mildly depressed. His actions have made things worse.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Can you pinpoint why you feel down and unenthusiastic about most things? Do you have someone in RL you would feel comfortable discussing this with -- friend, family member, or counsellor?

Do you know why you want to sweep everything under the carpet, including not discussing things like your feelings and your relationship with your DH?

When your DH has a rant and rave but then cools down, do either of you discuss the rage afterwards, or is that too swept under the carpet by both of you?

[marmajam]

No, I can't really pinpoint why.

[DialsMavis]

I agree with Lemonylemon, I think as you don't want to discuss and try to sort out your marital problems and you blame DH for your depression it is probably better you go your own seperate ways.

[Lemonylemon]

I don't think you're "mildly" depressed. I think that its more serious than that. Have you been to see your GP about feeling down?

I agree that your H sounds like he's out of control, but I think that trying to speak to somebody for days about something so important and being fobbed off to the extent of the "talk to the hand" bit, would make me annoyed.

You're talking about your H's actions - are these his actions over a period of time or just last night?

[schobe]

Sounds like he rants and raves because you stonewall him and refuse to talk or engage with him.

That's an incredibly frustrating and crazy-making place for him to be, though I'm not saying it's right to behave like that. However, sometimes people are driven to extremes of emotion by being blanked and ignored by the person who is supposed to love and cherish them.

I'm not totally surprised that he lost it. It has scared you I know but he was hurting himself not you. He's trying to make you see how you are hurting him.

Please listen.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

There's probably an explanation, and you hold the answer, even if you don't see it yet. Please consider seeing a therapist to help you work out what's troubling you.

[marmajam]

I don't think I have said that I blame him, did I?

[buzzsore]

Have you seen your GP? If not, make an appointment and get some treatment/counselling for your depression, as a first step.

Regarding your relationship, it's difficult to say. You might want to think about a (temporary?) separation and/or relationship counselling.

[DialsMavis]

Sorry my post sounded more harsh than I intended. You said his actions have made things worse

[marmajam]

schobe, but my arm is hurting today and I am finding it difficult to type. Now -trying to be objective as I can be and it's bloody hard I tell you- maybe he didn't realise his own strength when slapping himself across the face with my hand.
All this is so confusing for me, because if he had actually hit ME with a slap or a punch or a kick or whatever, then it would be obviously, unacceptable, wouldn't it?

[Lemonylemon]

I'm sorry, but OP, you're giving nothing away with your posts. You're now stonewalling people who are trying to help.

[JeremyVile]

Fgs! What about him?
Do you care about him at all?
What about what he was saying to you?