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Don't know what to do

(20 Posts)
partnerleft Fri 10-Jun-11 08:52:27

I am really struggling at the moment can anyone help.I have posted before about my EPof 25 years ,leaving in Feb after I found out he was seeing another women. At first he said it had only been a few weeks, then I found out it was about 8 months and I am so devastated.
We have tried staying friends but I blow it everytime cos I can’t stop asking about her. I have (foolishly) sent her a couple of texts as he had led her to believe we had not been together for 18 months and has told her all kinds of horrible rubbish about me. Yet in reality he has lied to her about lots of things,continued to sleep with me whilst he was with her (I was not aware of her).He says he doesn’t love her but she is company. They work in the same office but see each other x2 per week .He sent me a desperate text 2 weeks ago in the night saying he was suicidal.
He has since said he is very depressed and gets angry when I say you chose to leave you chose to start up with her and says I threw him out and never wanted him.Since meeting her he says he is suicidal, cant concentrate on driving, tons of debt, has been spoken to in work about the quality of his work decreasing and I found Viagra in his pocket and when I asked him he confided that he is having problems! Why is he still seeing her, it’s breaking my heart,,we have been through so much together, the terrible loss of our 19 year old son 5 years ago, the life threatening condition of our 17 year old son.
He said the fact I have sent her texts has upset her and is making them closer but I lie there in bed thinking of her touching him and I want to vomit I just want her to know the truth but know he wont even speak to me
Everytime I think we will sort things out I have to pinch myself to remind myself he is actually with someone else. After everything we have been through I always thought we would always be there for each other and I just cannot let go

buzzsore Fri 10-Jun-11 09:00:05

You know what you need to do really, don't you? He's treating you like crap and is just giving you enough hope to keep hanging on. That way he gets his cake and eat it, he can have you to fall back on if it doesn't work out with the OW.

You're vulnerable and going through so much and he's treating you like this?

He turns it round so you're in the wrong to even ask about him cheating on you?

Can't you see, while you are clinging on he has no reason to treat you properly - he knows you'll just suck it up for the hope of his return.

I think you should tell him to get to fuck, tbh. Lean on friends, maybe get some counselling, tell yourself you deserve more than this, because you do.

steelchic Fri 10-Jun-11 09:02:10

Hi I'm so sorry you're going through this as I'm going through exactly the same thing as you so I know how you feel. I cannot let go either.
I've just discovered that my H's GF is practicaly living with him and it;s not knowing the truth that is hard. My H won't tell me anything either I usually find out by accident . They probably think that they are protecting us but in reality they are just cowards and they are only protecting themselves.
Sorry I've no real advice or words of wisdom but I'm thinking of you and I hope you find the strength to get through it xxx

MilkandWine Fri 10-Jun-11 09:16:05

What Buzzsore said is 100% spot on. I am very sorry for the pain you are going through but by not detaching from this man you are allowing him to continue to hurt you.
You don't keep 'blowing it' everytime you ask about the OW, he is the one who has blown it by running off with her in the first place. Why on earth would your husband think you would want to remain friends? I have never heard anything so insane in my life tbh. So he leaves you, breaks your heart but thinks he can still be your friend? It is just utterly outrageous on every level.
He get's depressed and angry when you mention he choose to leave you? well poor little diddums eh? What about YOUR anger, what about your mental health? How dare he come running to you with details of how his life is falling apart. The depth of his selfishness is breathtaking OP.

I don't mean to sound harsh as I honestly have every sympathy but you need to start getting angry OP. This man is going to continue walking all over you and using you as his emotional punchbag for as long as you continue to let him. You need to stop engaging with him about anything that is non essential (DC, finances etc). If he starts telling you about how 'dreadful' his life is etc then tell him 'That's not my problem anymore' and hang up the phone. Have nothing to do with him, he abandoned the right to winge about his life or criticise you in any way the day he walked out on you.

Seriously OP, you need to toughen up and get furious with this man, otherwise he is going to continue to walk all over you until you end up having a breakdown. You can do it, you are stronger than you realise.
Have you thought about counselling? Do you have friends in RL who can help you through this?

partnerleft Fri 10-Jun-11 16:32:05

I know your are right but sometimes even when you know whats rights it’s so hrd when you still love someone.

I m getting some counselling and have been diagnosed with ptsd form the loss of my son and the events surrounding his loss that has been triggered by the loss of my relationship

Glad you understand and sorry your going trough it as well. I have spoken to him everyday for 25 years and never imagined he would do this. Like you I am finding out bits more by accident, he also said its to protect me but I told him it was to protect himself from the fall out which is now happening

Oh god I am so angry but it veers from total anger to total sadness and everything inbetween when I get angry I then text him and things seem to get out of hand, My main anger is for her, I actually shake with rage when I think of her with him. She knows he has lied to her and continued to sleep with me and go on weekends away etc but has chose to stay.
She is 35 and has no children but is giving him lots of support over the loss of our son and it kills me that she even thinks she can mention his name.he has told he couldn’t grieve properly cos of how bad I was. I know exactly what she will be up to , agreeing how awful I’ve been and saying all the right things without even knowing what its like to have a child never mind loose one and I feel I could f- kill her

Most RL friends are long gone since loosing my son, its seems to be a common theme when you loose a child, bit by bit as friends expect you to be back to your old self by about 6 months they tails off never to be seen again

I do in a way understand that we were obviously having problems and he began to confide in her in work and she started to make him feel better and I was being difficult to be with
I know I should be tying to detach but the most I have managed is a week, he says he stillloves me but can’t deal with me keep texting both him and her and I am really missing him and know tonight he stays at her flat and I just cannot cope with it

MilkandWine Fri 10-Jun-11 16:56:23

Partnerleft I am so so sorry to hear about your son. I cannot imagine what you have been through and my heart goes out to you. You are so strong to keep going, I think you have more strength than you realise.

Ok so you love your husband, love cannot be erased with a magic wand and unfortunately us telling you what an utter bastard he is being will make no difference. But I will say it again, you NEED to detach, for your own sanity and mental wellbeing. This man is being staggeringly cruel to you, how dare he tell you he still loves you? If he does not want to be with you then he should have the decency to leave you alone to get on with your life. I am staggered by the depths of his selfishness, especially in the context of everything else you have been through.

By being angry at the OW you are directing your rage onto the wrong person. Yes she is totally out of order in what she has done but remember she does not really know you and her actions are not personal to you. She is being duped by this man as well quite frankly. He's treating her like shite as well by sleeping with you both and telling you he doesn't love her. Yes she will tell him what he wants to hear regarding his son but they are just words and mean nothing. Please, please do not torture yourself so. Texting her is the worst thing you can do, you need to act as if they are both beneath your contempt (which they are!)

This man is not worthy of your love, he is an utter, utter pig to have done this to you. I hope that with time you will be able to realise this. I honestly can't see any other way forward apart from cutting him out of your life and I pray that you will see this for yourself someday soon.

I am thinking of you x

partnerleft Sat 11-Jun-11 12:24:26

Milk and wine
thank you for your kindess, i do still love him and i was reading in todays paper about celebrity couples who seperte but manage to be on good temrs, dawn french and lenny henry and Jude law and sadie frost etc how do they do it. I would like to get the stage where we can at least be amicable for the sake of our ds who has been through so much if nothing else
Does anyone feel it is possible in bitter circumstances to be able to establish a friendship with ex (even if only to wind OW up)

partnerleft Mon 13-Jun-11 08:54:47

Hello everyone, i'v had such a bad night imagining them together/Does anyone think an affair that is now a relationship can progress much if they already need viagra and that he is adamant he will never live with her. he says he wants to get a house alone , so our 17 year old can visit and stay whenever he wants. This is one thing i do actually believe him about.She does want to get a house together as she is 35 , has no children and lives in a rented flat and reading between the line want a baby.He has alos said at his age 46 he under no circumstances wants a baby.This does not sound like a recipe for a lasting relationship does it plus of course a mad ex in the background of 25 years
any thoughts xxx

Wisedupwoman Mon 13-Jun-11 15:34:50

Hello Partnerleft.

To answer your first question, no it's not possible to establish a friendship in bitter circumstances but it is possible to be amicable for the purposes of sorting out the finances, contact, house etc. But I think you are asking whether you still have any influence over your H wrt his relationship with the OW - and the answer to that one is also, I'm afraid, no.

Your post this morning made my heart ache for you. Please don't torture yourself with thoughts of them together you will drive yourself insane and for what? Another fuckwit who jumped ship. You are not in competition for this man - and why would you want to be? Because you love him, or because he keeps throwing you the oldest line in the book - "I still love you"? Stop with the texting of both of them. 25 years is a fuck of a long time in anybody's book and suddenly all the seemingly insignificant moments of your life start to flood back and make you doubt that he's really capable of such cruelty. But he is. Everyone is in certain circumstances, but it's a choice.

This is going to hurt for a while. Then it will hurt less. Then you'll begin to see how badly you've been treated and you'll take some control back. If you want some comfort, my reading of the situation is that she (the OW) is probably a 'symptom' of some malaise or other that he is not dealing with. It probably won't last, but does it really matter?

This is almost certainly too early to say this to you but, I have learned that it's crucial to stop focussing on him and his life and start focussing on what you want and need to do to recover from this. It takes practice, alot of it, but it's vital to start as soon as possible. And this means beginning your life again as a single woman, cut off all but essential contact with him (you'd be amazed at how empowering that can feel, and quickly too), and get some therapy if you can.

It's a sad reality but he will need to see what he's lost before he can begin to want it back - and by then you may not want him anyway.

Sorry, Partnerleft, you've been through so much.

pink4ever Mon 13-Jun-11 15:52:34

partnerleft-ffs woman get some self respect. You have been through the most horrendous thing a person can go through imo-the death of your beloved child. You have survived that(yes you went/going through hell) but you are still here,still surviving.
Please do not let this man bring you down any further. You can go on without him. You have your other son and need to stay strong and healthy for his sake. Let go of the anger towards the other woman-karma will get her I believe.

SixSixSix Mon 13-Jun-11 16:05:35

Hi Partnerleft, so sorry to hear what has happened.

My DP is in his mid forties and uses viagra sometimes not because we are having trouble, but because we want to do it two or three times in a session like you can when you're younger. Please don't take this as me rubbing salt into your wounds, what I am saying is that you musn't pin your hopes on the fact that your husband is using viagra as a sign that his relationship with the OW is in trouble.

You need to let go of him unless you want to face a life full of bitterness and suspicion. They deserve each other - you deserve so much better.

Take care x

TechLovingDad Mon 13-Jun-11 16:11:18

Easy for me to say but you don't NEED this man's friendship. Clinging onto him will just bring you more and more hurt. He clearly doesn't feel anything for you, regardless of what you have been through together. If he did, he wouldn't treat you the way he does.

He's someone you are well shot of, completely.

Wisedupwoman Mon 13-Jun-11 17:33:12

Partnerleft, I read your post again. Giving your H the benefit of the doubt, it does seem as though he could be depressed - he's lost a son too and has a second with serious health problems - I can't imagine how that must be for you all to live with. How did you two deal with this? Did anyone support you? The reason I ask is because there's loads of research which shows that the death of a child can be a defining moment in a marriage and lots of them break down after such a loss.

This doesn't excuse his current actions but it might explain some of what you're going through as a result of his chaos.

partnerleft Mon 13-Jun-11 19:24:48

I know you are right but it is so hard not to be thinking of them together. I know eventually it will hurt less but right now I don’t think I have the strength to deal with the loss right now .

After I lost my boy in the most tragic avoidable circumstances in 2005 , I fell apart and had 2 years of counseling with a psychologist which helped a lot.EP did not he says he could see no point talking over and over about what happened as it wouldn’t change anything. He returned to work after 2 weeks and I continued to fall apart but he was my rock I struggled to leave the house, to do anything and I needed him so much by my side.
I had a high flying job, had some good friends and was studying for a masters, my employers were not very supportive and I lost my job, which involved lots of union input and was another major stress on top of everything else. The friends eventually stopped contacting me,

He started socializing again and could not understand why I could not go out. The thought of seeing young people out, or listening to music, or bumping into people who did not know and the fact I could not stop crying for more than 30 mins was why.
I was devastated when he went on a skiing holiday 4 months after with his friends.
Our boy died to clinical negligence .A painful harrowing death over 4 days , he left me us holding him and kissing him goodbye.
We had a court case, an inquest that took 4 years and a GMC case that completed in October 10
Almost every day I had a report of some sort to read, his medical notes, terrible indepth medical expert reports, and sorry excuses and from the hospital and doctors to deal with.
I took a law degree with ou to ensure I knew exactly what we were dealing with and as a nurse I knew all the medical stuff. EP would not look at anything at all, he kept saying it was to upsetting , I found it upsetting reading constantly in detail every aspect of his last few days but if I hadn’t who would. When he got in from work he refused to discuss the case or the inquest, I would have been home alone all day going through it and getting upset but he would not discus it. I started drinking far to much wine, he would go and sit upstairs with DS and I guess the rot started to set in, I knew we were in trouble but had so much to deal with the issues relating to his death that the only answer seemed to be at the bottom of a bottle
I also gained a lot of support from compassionate friends and met up with other bereved mums on a regular basis but he thought that constantly talking about our boy was to upsetting I find not talking about him to upsetting
We still had family holidays and meals out (can do quiet restaurants)
In October 10 the 2 week GMC hearing concluded, we had both attended every harrowing day with the doctors who caused our boys death sat just inches from us. The consultant received a 5 year warning, the registrar fitness to practice impaired but not enough to strike him of (indeed as his barrister said, it was not the serious a mistake!)The snotty arrogant SHO was not guilty
As we left the hearing I felt we had done everything we could do to get justice for a beautiful clever funny boy, gone from this earth because of someones mistake.

I felt it was time to rebuild our lives (he was already seeing her by then and I had no idea)
November is difficult as our youngest DP has his birthday 4 days before eldest , eldest died the day before his 20th birthday , having gone into hospital on youngests bday ( we did not know cos he was at uni. That week from being the best week of the year is now the most harrowing but always have to try to make youngest bday good)
Afdter that we went out over dec, had as good a xmas as poss in the circumsatneces, sex was good, he bought me wonderful presenrs nd I stopped drinking and statrd to loose weight, finishe my law degree an began to think we would be ok. Then found his email for a valetines meal for 3 and that was it.
Now daignosed with PTSD as psy feels I have dealt with too much for too long but his has floored me and I have never felt so sad and alone and really can’t see the way forward
(sorry quite a long seld indulgnt rant )

I am trying not to let him but he is such a part of me and I am not sure where I am to get the strength from.
I am trying too be together for our youngest he is now 17 , he misses his bother, is upset the state of me again after pulling myself but still loves his dad. His life expectancy is 30 so I am trying my best and I want to maintain a friendship for his ake as well as my own

In one of our screaming matches I said the sex must be good fro you to go and he mumbled things not to good in that deprtmet, then 2 weeks later found the viagre, so I really hope it does mean thay are having problems

I know , I am, trying

Thanks for the support it does help to know pople ares o caring
Thank youxxxxx

Wisedupwoman Mon 13-Jun-11 22:29:55

So he didn't (maybe couldn't) grieve for your son? I wonder what pressures as a man he felt to get on with the practical stuff, like getting back to work to support the family he had left, to keep you and himself alive. You, meanwhile as the 'coper' would have been left with the emotional and psychological fall-out maybe?

What a harrowing story of loss and injustice for you as a family and it's all so fresh, still so raw. You've waited so long for the answers you wanted and they weren't forthcoming - I don't think it can be a coincidence that your H's affair started around the time you were both preparing to hear the dreadful circumstances of your DS's death. That's no justification at all, it only adds to your loss, but I see these as connected. This doesn't read like a 'mid-life crisis' or a philandering man - it comes across as someone who is breaking down in the most destructive way. It sounds more like fleeing from a dreadful reality, not rampant sex. But you can't help him, you can only help yourself. Maybe if you do this he'll take his lead from you. You sound courageous and like a fighter, someone who is prepared to go the whole way for what you believe in.

Partnerleft can you go back and see the psychologist again?

partnerleft Tue 14-Jun-11 15:31:34

Thanks so much for your response , I think you are right he is very depressed and for my part I assumed if he had met someone else he must be feeling great, a couple of weeks ago he texted me in the night to say he was suicidal.he has since then told me he has never felt so depressed, he can’t concentrate, he can’t sleep , he cries a lot, they seem to be having sex problems and he has screamed at me several times that I would not let him grieve-how could I have stopped him.He says he still loves me and although at the moment we are not talking he usually says he still loves me and not her but we will never get back together.
I can’t understand what she can give him they only see each other on a fri night but do work together all week in an open plan office .Up to last week they had kept it from all their colleagues, I had assumed they knew and this seems to have caused more problems
Since moving to his mother our gp have thrown him of the list as he is out of area .He is diabetic and won’t be bothered finding a new gp so he definitely won’t access counseling
For me a am now waiting to see a psychologist of my PTSD but I know me and EP working things out is all I need but he seems to have moved on from me and uses me as the blame for everthing that is wrong in his life and I don’t know what to do. I still love, care and worry about him, but I hate her so much she has no place in our lives or grief and I am so angry that she doesn’t understand this

Wisedupwoman Tue 14-Jun-11 15:54:54

he has screamed at me several times that I would not let him grieve so maybe what he saw (from his viewpoint) that you were doing it for all of you and that as a result all he could do was withdraw and hold the family together financially? Meanwhile you interpret his withdrawal as 'uncaring' and so retreat more into your own grief perhaps.

I can’t understand what she can give him - an escape from the inevitable. That he needs to grieve but can only do this alone or with someone who knows this first hand - you. But it's too painful.

he seems to have moved on from me and uses me as the blame for everthing that is wrong in his life well that's just plain nonsense but it comes from a deeply painful place partnerleft. Nothing in what you say indicates he's moved on, quite the opposite in fact. But as I've said, he will have to address this himself if he intends to stay out of your marriage.

It's good that you are waiting for help in your own right. Try and keep your thoughts about OW to a minimum, she will no doubt end up as a casualty in all this too, so she's won nothing despite appearances.

partnerleft Wed 15-Jun-11 17:38:58

thnak you so much for your support, it has really given me something to think about and has made me fel a little more positive
Hope all is well with you

partnerleft Sun 26-Jun-11 16:45:29

Hi everyone
just having a really bad day lots of tears for my boy and ex partner.
AD must have kicked in but i feel so sad. He is still with OW and reading between the lines their relationship is progressing and i really can't cope with it.I have been hopeless at detaching and this has really p---- him of and led to some horrible rows, i just cannot get to grips with the fact he is with someone else.
He thinks he may be made redundant soon and this is may ray of hope, they work togehter and i would hope the relationship will fizzle out if they no longer see each other every day

Wisedupwoman Mon 27-Jun-11 21:00:07

Hello partnerleft.

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. But it's still such early days, I think you're being a bit hard on yourself.

The aim is to detach yourself, and the reality is that this happens as a process, bit by bit. If you tell yourself you should have detached by now because of this or that, you'll focus on him all the more. Just let the feelings and thoughts come and they'll pass of their own accord without you trying to force them away right now.

I found that focussing on all the practical stuff like sorting bills, getting legal advice, starting divorce proceedings and so on, helped me get some structure to my days and I felt myself regaining some control over my life. My DD needed to see me doing that and she coped so much better as a result so that when I felt sad it didn't overwhelm her.

You have come through so much already, and you're a survivor, one of life's fighters, but even survivors need to take time out to grieve and heal.
It will be ok, I promise, whatever your ex does. smile

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