Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3

Relationships

help me solve this mystery

75 replies

eandz · 08/06/2011 13:26

I don't feel like I need to name change. I actually hate having to justify name changes/talking about being a vintage mner.

Before you read this, please note it is long winded and I'm bad with editing. There are two parts to this post, if you don't want to read the background, the actual story is marked with a * and is below.

Prologue:

We've been together for almost 10 years. We come from religious backgrounds, but adhere to our own set of morals. My DH has had a dx for Aspergers from when he was younger. Our son now has a dx of ASD. For my little family, this is a slight hiccup since we are a new family and I'm not from the UK. We are confident though, that we will be able to get through this so although there is a little stress, there isn't any sadness/depression/anxiety.

So, most people don't realize my DH has massive social issues. When we met, he asked me to help him, and since we've been married (almost 5 years) his social abilities have really improved. When people meet us, they usually think I'm the one who isn't 'sociable'. When I say his social issues are 'huge' I'm not exaggerating--if he finds someone 'mentally compatible' he refuses eye contact, unless I'm there. He only does social activities for me, because I am incredibly lonely outside our marriage and I do want friends. He finds almost everyone 'tedious' and I do understand why. When we had our son, we wanted to meet other couples who shared our faith. The sample we've met over the past two years has been poor quality and we've only made friends with about 50% of them. It's not too bad, but none of the friendships are deep.

There is one couple however who have been. On our first meeting, I could tell it wasn't going to work out. Within the first 20 minutes the husband had decided to figure out where I was from, because he can't tolerate a specific culture. Even though, I'm not from the particular background he detests, I was offended. (Who wouldn't be?). I let it slide, hoping it was a joke in poor judgement--surely he couldn't be serious! (was I wrong!) Let's call this couple Rabida and Ratface. Rabida being the wife, and Ratface being the husband.

At our first meeting, we were also introduced to another couple Lets call them Sunshine and Ed. We made friends with Sunshine and Ed.

About two months later, it became apparent that these two couples were becoming great friends. We didn't feel any jealousy, everyone has a right to be social/make friends. We also became better friends with Sunshine and Ed, they are easy to be friends with.

Eventually though, we heard from other couples we were meeting that Rabida and Ratface were good credible people and they thought that I was crazy. So in turn, they told everyone they met. I thought it was weird and rude, but didn't care too much because as I would meet more people and establish better relationships with people, they would get to know me and my husband and could judge us for themselves. I didn't bad mouth them, because I didn't know them enough and pointing out their unfortunate looks was too cheap a shot. (I am aware that I'm taking that very cheap shot now).

One day, Sunshine and Rabida decided to have a picnic and invited all of their couple friends. We were invited and we decided to go, especially since it was in our neighbourhood. (All of these couples live very very far away).

When we got to the picnic we realized something was up, and towards the end of the picnic it turned out that Rabida and Ratface were hosting a party to watch some game+dinner party that everyone was invited to (except of course us). Sunshine later said she did find that picnic tense and awkward because she figured we would have been invited too. I felt that in a cluster of about 8-6 couples it was rude and I personally would never ever have made anyone feel that way. This behaviour has happened many times after giant meet ups/parties. Sunshine will invite everyone to a party/dinner/religious event and then Rabida and Raftace will have a party a week or two after and we are always that couple that are never invited. We do get invited to other things by other people and they do wonder why we aren't invited. Then last November, I had decided that I would do a family thanksgiving dinner, and not invite anyone. Magically, Rabida called me and was complaining about not being home for the holiday. Although I didn't want to, I did invite her. She came and brought food she had made on the spot. A week later though, she wanted my recipe for stuffing. I didn't give it to her and days later it transpired that she wanted it for a dinner party she was hosting, and again we weren't invited.

I blocked her on fb. She then started to text/call and asked to meet up.
I casually ignored Rabid and Ratface for over a year, and heard from many other couples that they kept projecting how crazy I was. The final straw for my husband was at a religious event when we ran into another couple who told me upfront that they had absolutely no interest in getting to know us because of what Rabida and Ratface have said about us.

It was harder to meet people that shared similarities professionally, culturally,religiously who haven't already met them and haven't already heard about us. At this point my DH has decided to regress back into 'nutshell mode' and wonders why making friends in within this subgroup is important for me. I've given up. I see the 50% of the couples we have made friends with occasionally, but spend most of my time with women from my neighbourhood. I don't mention this drama because I dislike having drama.

I am not overly concerned as I know I'm here to stay, I'm consistent in my personality and even with my many faults I'm confident with who I am. However it's been over a year and this episode won't end, and now a new one is starting and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with it.

*

Actual mystery

The week my son was diagnosed with ASD (May 20th) a complete stranger-- a woman started to message me over facebook claiming to 'know' my husband. She knew a few things, but the meetings she claims to have had with my husband I know for certain cannot be true. That entire year we spent travelling together through Asia. The way she describes my husbands interactions with her and his way of starting the affair also are not consistent with my husband. It's true that he could have fooled me, but my husband has serious rationalization issues and having sex for him is not just a 'physical' act. I blocked this woman, and generally I'm harder to find on FB because I do have strong privacy settings in place.

Yesterday afternoon, I received a few more messages over email/facebook/text messages from someone with another name claiming to have had sex with my husband, but again gave dates I know are incompatible with his free time. (We travel very frequently, and because of his social issues, I travel with him specifically for work functions, entertaining clients).

I don't have a rational reason to think this, but I feel like Rabida may be behind this.

My only two (very random, completely irrational) reasons behind this are:
*All the aliases she has used are always consistent with her cultural background

*All the claims regarding dates she makes are around dates of travel, and generally I don't talk about travelling so many people assume that I don't travel with my husband especially the year we travelled together since we were not married at the time.

My DH thinks that this is really dangerous behaviour and that we need to inform authorities...should I really be this worried? I do find someone trying to poke holes in a marriage as demented and incredibly unhealthy, but can it get any worse if I don't feed into it? What do you think?

OP posts:

Report

lookingfoxy · 08/06/2011 13:34

I would be tempted to ignore it if your sure its not true.
To be honest, what else can you do? If you confront the person you suspect she will just make you out to be even more crazy and spread even more rumours.
She actually sounds very jealous of you.
Ignore ignore ignore!