Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
help me solve this mystery(76 Posts)
I don't feel like I need to name change. I actually hate having to justify name changes/talking about being a vintage mner.
Before you read this, please note it is long winded and I'm bad with editing. There are two parts to this post, if you don't want to read the background, the actual story is marked with a * and is below.
We've been together for almost 10 years. We come from religious backgrounds, but adhere to our own set of morals. My DH has had a dx for Aspergers from when he was younger. Our son now has a dx of ASD. For my little family, this is a slight hiccup since we are a new family and I'm not from the UK. We are confident though, that we will be able to get through this so although there is a little stress, there isn't any sadness/depression/anxiety.
So, most people don't realize my DH has massive social issues. When we met, he asked me to help him, and since we've been married (almost 5 years) his social abilities have really improved. When people meet us, they usually think I'm the one who isn't 'sociable'. When I say his social issues are 'huge' I'm not exaggerating--if he finds someone 'mentally compatible' he refuses eye contact, unless I'm there. He only does social activities for me, because I am incredibly lonely outside our marriage and I do want friends. He finds almost everyone 'tedious' and I do understand why. When we had our son, we wanted to meet other couples who shared our faith. The sample we've met over the past two years has been poor quality and we've only made friends with about 50% of them. It's not too bad, but none of the friendships are deep.
There is one couple however who have been. On our first meeting, I could tell it wasn't going to work out. Within the first 20 minutes the husband had decided to figure out where I was from, because he can't tolerate a specific culture. Even though, I'm not from the particular background he detests, I was offended. (Who wouldn't be?). I let it slide, hoping it was a joke in poor judgement--surely he couldn't be serious! (was I wrong!) Let's call this couple Rabida and Ratface. Rabida being the wife, and Ratface being the husband.
At our first meeting, we were also introduced to another couple Lets call them Sunshine and Ed. We made friends with Sunshine and Ed.
About two months later, it became apparent that these two couples were becoming great friends. We didn't feel any jealousy, everyone has a right to be social/make friends. We also became better friends with Sunshine and Ed, they are easy to be friends with.
Eventually though, we heard from other couples we were meeting that Rabida and Ratface were good credible people and they thought that I was crazy. So in turn, they told everyone they met. I thought it was weird and rude, but didn't care too much because as I would meet more people and establish better relationships with people, they would get to know me and my husband and could judge us for themselves. I didn't bad mouth them, because I didn't know them enough and pointing out their unfortunate looks was too cheap a shot. (I am aware that I'm taking that very cheap shot now).
One day, Sunshine and Rabida decided to have a picnic and invited all of their couple friends. We were invited and we decided to go, especially since it was in our neighbourhood. (All of these couples live very very far away).
When we got to the picnic we realized something was up, and towards the end of the picnic it turned out that Rabida and Ratface were hosting a party to watch some game+dinner party that everyone was invited to (except of course us). Sunshine later said she did find that picnic tense and awkward because she figured we would have been invited too. I felt that in a cluster of about 8-6 couples it was rude and I personally would never ever have made anyone feel that way. This behaviour has happened many times after giant meet ups/parties. Sunshine will invite everyone to a party/dinner/religious event and then Rabida and Raftace will have a party a week or two after and we are always that couple that are never invited. We do get invited to other things by other people and they do wonder why we aren't invited. Then last November, I had decided that I would do a family thanksgiving dinner, and not invite anyone. Magically, Rabida called me and was complaining about not being home for the holiday. Although I didn't want to, I did invite her. She came and brought food she had made on the spot. A week later though, she wanted my recipe for stuffing. I didn't give it to her and days later it transpired that she wanted it for a dinner party she was hosting, and again we weren't invited.
I blocked her on fb. She then started to text/call and asked to meet up.
I casually ignored Rabid and Ratface for over a year, and heard from many other couples that they kept projecting how crazy I was. The final straw for my husband was at a religious event when we ran into another couple who told me upfront that they had absolutely no interest in getting to know us because of what Rabida and Ratface have said about us.
It was harder to meet people that shared similarities professionally, culturally,religiously who haven't already met them and haven't already heard about us. At this point my DH has decided to regress back into 'nutshell mode' and wonders why making friends in within this subgroup is important for me. I've given up. I see the 50% of the couples we have made friends with occasionally, but spend most of my time with women from my neighbourhood. I don't mention this drama because I dislike having drama.
I am not overly concerned as I know I'm here to stay, I'm consistent in my personality and even with my many faults I'm confident with who I am. However it's been over a year and this episode won't end, and now a new one is starting and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with it.
The week my son was diagnosed with ASD (May 20th) a complete stranger-- a woman started to message me over facebook claiming to 'know' my husband. She knew a few things, but the meetings she claims to have had with my husband I know for certain cannot be true. That entire year we spent travelling together through Asia. The way she describes my husbands interactions with her and his way of starting the affair also are not consistent with my husband. It's true that he could have fooled me, but my husband has serious rationalization issues and having sex for him is not just a 'physical' act. I blocked this woman, and generally I'm harder to find on FB because I do have strong privacy settings in place.
Yesterday afternoon, I received a few more messages over email/facebook/text messages from someone with another name claiming to have had sex with my husband, but again gave dates I know are incompatible with his free time. (We travel very frequently, and because of his social issues, I travel with him specifically for work functions, entertaining clients).
I don't have a rational reason to think this, but I feel like Rabida may be behind this.
My only two (very random, completely irrational) reasons behind this are:
*All the aliases she has used are always consistent with her cultural background
*All the claims regarding dates she makes are around dates of travel, and generally I don't talk about travelling so many people assume that I don't travel with my husband especially the year we travelled together since we were not married at the time.
My DH thinks that this is really dangerous behaviour and that we need to inform authorities...should I really be this worried? I do find someone trying to poke holes in a marriage as demented and incredibly unhealthy, but can it get any worse if I don't feed into it? What do you think?
I would be tempted to ignore it if your sure its not true.
To be honest, what else can you do? If you confront the person you suspect she will just make you out to be even more crazy and spread even more rumours.
She actually sounds very jealous of you.
Ignore ignore ignore!
Could she have had/be having a relationship with someone with the same name as your husband, and think she's contacting his wife? Or is it clear she means your H?
No harm replying to one of the texts with "if I hear from you again I will contact the police".
I would ignore this, if you are confident that it is nonsense, ignore and trust that "it" will go away If you get a third communication of a similar nature you will know it is a wind up.
Do not give the sender the satisfaction of showing you are bothered by it.
Ignore - you seem to have no reason to distrust your DH - don't let this woman upset you anymore.
I agree with you ladies. I do feel it's best to ignore, but a part of me finds this whole situation unsettling. I don't mistrust my husband, but I do feel that this is upsetting and unnecessary.
Sometimes I do think it's a case of mistaken identity, but by responding to over over fb that one time she did have access to my pictures (I think for a week?). I blocked her a few hours later, but she still could have seen some of them, right? (perhaps I'm mistaken and she couldn't have?). The fact that it's consistent messaging/text msgs is bothersome, and makes me feel that mistaking us for someone else is unlikely.
I think that's a bit of a stretch, she might not have seen any pics in the couple of hours before you blocked her. If some guy has 'done her wrong' I can see why she's being persistent.
Still, ignore or say you'll go to the police.
I've just texted saying that I will be contacting the police if I get any more harassment.
I'm going to buck the trend here and say go to the police. Its just pure harrassment and if it continues you'll be glad the police have a note of when it started and the forms it takes.
I think you are fortunate that the poison-penner has messed up by stating dates you were out of the country with your husband. This makes it less upsetting because you know its nonsense. I would be nervous that this person has so many contact details for you - mobile, email etc.
Whoever is behind this is a very nasty, stupid person and they deserve to be caught and shamed. Good luck.
i am really nervous about how much of my contact info she has, another reason why i think it's Rabida.
i think what bothers me most is why anyone would do this? surely my lack of bite is not entertaining. what would be the reason to keep going?
i guess if it is rabida, or isn't rabida if i go to the police no one will know unless i tell people. right? so as long as i don't share this, rabida will only know if she is the perpetrator.
Are the text messages on a phone? Post the number here and we can all text them and find out what is going on.
I'm a bit with your use of names for these people.
I understand you feel hurt by them, but Rabida and Ratface? Surely A and B would have done it.
Anyway, I'm sure you have your reasons and would not want to tell you how you feel about it, I can't help but feel a bit off about the choice of names myself.
Having said that, my advice would be to report it to the police as nuisance calls/texts.
I'm pretty sure the FB account is a good fake. Although she seems to have 300 friends, I think they were just random adds from a specific country. I don't know where she got soo many pictures of the same person though, maybe some sort of hot or not website?
or am I deluding myself?
I think you need to apply occam's razor here.
300 friends, multiple pics of the same woman - is it MORE likely that it's a real person who thinks your H is the person she had an affair with (same name/looks similar/whatever), OR that it's a fake account set up by someone you haven't been in contact with for a year, to harrass you? Why now? Why like this, which has very little tying-in with other things this person has done?
No matter what, posting the number on here is a bad move IMO. If it is the person you think it is, a load of calls/texts from strangers on the internet is just going to give her more reason to call you insane, and if it's not then nothing is achieved either.
If you are concerned, contact the police.
(god I meant to delete the bit about occam's razor. Sorry, and let's all pretend I didn't write it).
you are right. how do I remove that post?
i don't know if it's Rabida, the more I think about it the less it seems to be her, but then i don't have any one else to blame.
How would these women have got your mobile number? It seems odd to me that someone you have never met would be able to text you.
I have volunteered around a whole lot, and i haven't changed my number in 5 years + I've recklessly signed community mailing lists at religious services with my number + email. So, I do blame myself for that one. I never thought I could fall victim to something like this.
I love this. It is all so terribly terribly mad.
I would reply to the woman claiming to have had the affair and say how broken hearted and devastated I am and beg for more details and a meeting to discuss it...lead her on and on and give her enough rope to hang herself.
I am v confused about the faith and sub groups.
Online bullying or stalking is a crime- make a note of the instances and inform the police (on their non-emergency number).
Continue to keep a record of the contacts.
You have been here a long time (I remember your DS's birth, was pg at the time) you don't seem any more 'mad' than any other mners!
Please don't take this the wrong way, but is it at all possible your husband might do this as a way of 'spicing things up' or to test you in some way?
Please don't accuse anyone until you have absolute evidence, even if R&R are nasty, don't stoop to their level.
I hope these horrible messages stop very soon for you.
Join the discussion
Please login first.