DP mentally ill- advice needed

[Orchidlady]

I eventually persuaded DP to visit the GP, re ED and depression and thank god he finally took the plunge, to cut a long story short she has referred him to a therapist, thinks he is Bi polar, advised anti depressants (which he has refused), I am very pleased that he finally plucked up to courage to go but now I am really worried about his behaviour. Over the past few weeks he has gone downhill, has talked about Suicide (I really think he is thinking of doing it, even told me the way he would do it), talked about hearing voices, seeing strange things, constantly contradicting himself ( often about silly things, for example he will be eating something saying how nice it is and the next it is completely disgusting and hates it) whf!, and worst of all having major panic attacks these are just a few of the strange things. But this weekend he has really freaked me about, he refused to come to bed on Saturday and sat outside in the garden staring into fire for hours, eventually he came to bed @ 5.30 in a complete state said he woke up in the middle of the road, just did not know how he got there then proceeded to have a major panic attack, moving his body uncontrollably, kept saying he was going to die. I am very worried I not sure the GP knows the extent of his problems, please if anyone has some suggestions on what I can do as this is really beginning to freak me out. Really think I should confide in my mum ( both his parents are gone) but if he finds out will go berserk, should I call the GP?

[justGetEmOut]

Orchidlady, you need to share this with someone in Rl. You can not take all of this on your own shoulders. I have a family member with bi-polar, and at the lowest point I phoned their GP to make sure he understood the extent of their problems. He put us in contact with the community psychiactric team, who came to visit us at home. They were amazing, and were able to assess the needs of the family member, and provide a community psychiactric nurse who visited each day. I know you are scared that he will go beserk, but you are doing this for exactly the right reasons, and at some point he WILL understand that. He may also be relieved to have the decision making taken away from him, because he is obviously really scared right now. I don't know if you will have the same community health care system in place where you live, but the first course of action is to speak to your GP.

Bi-polar can be really well managed, and things WILL improve, but you have to kick start that improvement.

Please, please don't let the stigma that is attached to mental illness stop you confiding in someone. He is ILL, and there is no shame in that.

[pinkytheshrinky]

Please call you GP and get help from your Mum. He is ill and needs help today.

This can be helped and please get some support for yourself.

[Orchidlady]

Thanks Justgetmeout, I don't know what is wrong with him other than he does need help, I don't know exactly what he has told the GP, is having blackouts, panic attacks part of being Bi polar? It iwas quite scary on Saturday

[PhilipJFry]

Talk to your GP, absolutely. Call them right away and lay it all out and make sure he/she knows how serious this is. Tell him you need more help and advice right now. In a previous relationship (casual university one) the crisis resolution and home treatment team were amazing- they came to the uni halls and talked with my gf, gave her her medication and were generally a great support. It was great for me too because I was way in over my head at 18 and trying to deal with someone with severe bipolar who'd stopped taking their medication. The relief of having someone else to help was immense.

I'm by no means an expert, but from what I saw with my ex the things you describe can happen. My ex found herself taking out/spending large sums of money and believing she could cure cancer and was a genius, waking up from doing crazy things. At the lowest she would want to die, have horrible, uncontrollable dark thoughts and be practically paralysed with grief/fear. It is an intense and strenuous thing to witness.

Tell your doctor about the blackouts, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations and abrupt changes in mood and opinions. Maybe write down the most severe aspects of his behaviour and tell the doctor them, emphasising the possible bipolar diagnosis and the fact that he isn't on any medication.

[Orchidlady]

thanks phillip, funnily enough I have been so disturbed by his recent behaivour I have written them down. We have been together for many years and though undiagnosed ( he would never go to the doctor before) I have alsways know he has some problems, but this is a whole different level. I am beginning to feel this is more than I can cope with I would honestly be not surprised if the police knocked on the door to say he has blown his brains out.

[cestlavielife]

orchidlady next time he has that kind of panic attack etc please call 999 and have paramedics come assess him. they need to see him in those states.

999 at any time - you wont be wasting their time or yours of his.

far better you calling 999 for ambulance/police and he gets taken to A&E for assessment than as you say the knock at the door...

looking back i had so many opportunities to call 999 on my exP when he had such "panic attacks" and i didnt - i wish i had. also if he says "dont tell anyone" please dont listen.

he is ill - but you also need validation of how bad he can get -as you rightly say, GP may not have full sotry. and this means calling 999 when he has his next attack.

in mean time tell GP what you have seen and ask for crisis number for community mental health team - but in an attack like that, any time day or night, just call 999 and say he is acting disturbed - yes they may send police too but ultimately it will get him to A&E for help and assessment - and he will get seen quicker than waiting for a psych appt via GP.

if you were scared of him - tell a friend and agree a code word you can text which means "please call 999 now and send police/ambulance round".

[cestlavielife]

ps do you have DC? how many and how old?

[Mouseface]

Hello Orchid

I remember your other thread, quite recently. I'm pleased to see that he went to see the GP, however, I 'm am shocked that she has referred him (which takes time) and suggested ADs (which he has refused, no big surprise) so has in effect, left him in limbo.

cestla - is absolutly spot on here. This is a very serious and dangerous situation for you both to be in. Can you get hold of a community mental health team via your GP or his?

You can't 'wait' for something to happen. He is a danger to himself and to you I'm afraid. He needs full time supervision by the sounds of it.

cestla is right in suggesting a code word between yourself and a good friend/neighbour/family member.

You need support! You can't do this on your own. It will take over your life. Your DP needs a much more throrough assessment than he's had by the sounds of it!

You can't afford to wait until the next time he lies down in the road, wanders off in a daze, sits out all night.

He's almost like a child. He's gone completly into himself and has no spacial awareness, sense of danger etc......

Where abouts are you? PM me if you like.

[Orchidlady]

cestlavielife, God that seems to be very dramtic, sounds like you have experience of this? I am not scared of him but scared for him, if that makes sense? I have also suffered panic attacks when I was younger so have experience of this but it is the blackouts and talk of suicide that is worrying, I was able to talk him thorugh his last panic attack but it was not easy. Yes we have kids but older. I think if I had called 999 he would have got even worse ( it did cross my mind as he was REALLY weird) said he found himself in the road asleep and hoped a car would run over him. ffs writing that really does sound odd. I really do not know what to do for the best.

[WriterofDreams]

This sounds like an emergency situation. You need to get help and fast. Call your GP and ask for an immediate psychiatric referral, that your DP is suffering psychotic episodes and is seriously threatening suicide. If that gives you no luck then you need to bring him to hospital.

In the meantime it might be worth offering to take over all decision making for your DP (as far as possible). This might make him calmer as at the moment he is probably very confused and frightened. I had severe depression year before last and DH basically became my brain - he decided everything for me, even what I wore, and it gave me a chance to completely switch off and reboot if that makes sense. I just stayed in bed for hours as I couldn't trust myself to do anything else. He told me my thinking was mad and irrational and that was actually a great help because I knew I was ill and that I just needed to ignore the frankly crazy thoughts I was having. He made me feel safe and it reduced my panic. There were times when I was close to suicide but he pulled me back.

[Orchidlady]

MF, tbh I don't think he was totally honest with the GP, as you remember the reason he went was the ED but this was pushed aside because thnk god the GP recognised that there more pressing issues to sort out. Yes you are so right he seems to have lost the special awareness of danger. Can I ask why you are shocked about the GP actions?

[Orchidlady]

Wrtiter, thanks for you imput good to hear from someone who has been through this. He is going through a difficult time @ work and self employed and has money troubles and I know this has probably pushed him over the edge but I unless I get him commited ( is that possible) he will contiunue going to work.

[WriterofDreams]

It's not necessary to get him committed. IME the people in psychiatric wards are people who genuinely cannot function outside the hospital. Places are very limited so they are very unwilling to put someone on a ward unless there is no other option.

That said, if he does attempt suicide then he may be sectioned for his own safety. That's why it's important to get help now before it gets to that point. Does he talk to you about how he's feeling?

[Mouseface]

Orchid - because your DP doesn't have time to wait for a referrel, IME. He needs help today because his attacks are so unpredictable. You don't know when he'll have a meltdown, attack or just wander off.

You know it won't be at 10am Tuesday morning, just don't know. I would have expected him to be sent to the local hospital with a mental health unit to be assessed more thoroughly. It's almost as if the GP has said okay, we know it's this, here are some magic pills (that take a good few weeks to kick in BTW) and off you pop.

She really needed to act today. Or whenever he went. He's having thoughts of suicide!

Did you go with him? Did you hear what he said to her?

I think that you need to go back to a GP today. Take him there, go in and listen to what she/he says to your DP. Tell the GP reception that this is an emergency because my love, it is.

He could go off at any time and you'd not know if he were okay unless you were with him.

I know that the ED is actually a symptom of the depression, has he pushed this to the back of his mind now? I hope so because he has a bigger battle on his hands.

I talking to you as one who knows from my own experiences. Please, get him back to a GP or to a local A&E. The sooner he starts to get real help and supprt, the better he will be. xx

[Mouseface]

sorry for typos, DS is climbing up to see what mummy is doing!

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

You poor thing, and poor man too! Mental illness is very distressing, both for the sufferer and for his/her immediate family. I agree with others on her though, get help for him today because you don't know what could happen next. I have a friend who has bad MH issues and she is fine one minute and not fine at all the next.

[cestlavielife]

"I had called 999 he would have got even worse" well precisely.
i was scared for exP when he was stabbing himsefl with kitchen knife, he said "dont tell anyone, please or i will be sectioned" we had just got back from him being prescirbed ADs by GP which he then refsued to take... i didnt know what to do. i wish someone had spelled it out - call 999, have them see how he is; have them see him in that state.

to cut a long story short this state of various episodes (and some attacks just as you describe including the i just want to die stuff) continued for weeks -then when he did wake up in a much more severe state and was taking it out on those around (my DS, me) it was far more scarier and dangerous than the introspective self harm etc.

what i mean is, it isnt dramatic or overreacting to call 999, when eh ahving a major panic attack/psychotic episode call ti what you will. it is hard to dial 999, it really is. but you need to be ready to do that next time...

if you think it will send him over the edge - well even more reason to get profressionals in to deal with it.

are you a trained mental health worker?

if not, you cant be expected to "talk him round".
it isnt your job - tho you can give it a shot...as first aid...

if he breaks his leg you might apply first aid but you wont expect yourself to set the leg the plaster - unless that is your job. you will take him to A&E for that.

if you cant persuade him to get in your car and be taken by you to A&E for immediate assessment, then your only option is 999. espec if your children not old enough to be left alone.

as others said, time to act is now....

[Orchidlady]

MF, I don't think he has been totally honest with the GP, has seen her a couple of times and said he has told her more than anyone ( apart from me) and said he has not told me everything. He has a deadline to meet on the 25th and said he can relax after this but to be honest seeing him on Saturday I think he was veyr close to topping himself ( acutally told me) I just don't know what to do for the best, as today seems very calm and rational.

[Mouseface]

Sweetheart, you need help. You both do. To know that your DP was really, seriously, thinking about killing himself only a few short days ago must break your heart. I'm so sorry that you are going through this but you HAVE to take control.

I would advise that you contact HIS GP. Yes, behind his back if needs be. You need to speak to her and voice your concerns, she most likely won't discuss the conversations they have had (rightly so) but you need to tell her how is with YOU.

Between you, perhaps you can monitor him more closely. Maybe she can tell you what you should be looking for although I should imagine you know

He needs specialist help, that you can't give him, however much you want to. He would be better in hospital, for his and your own safety.

I'm not saying he is going to hurt you, or anyone else, but so that he can have the treatment he needs on taps.

Waiting is often what causes the damage.

I waited and waited and waited before I asked for help. It was very nearly too late.

Please, please, do what you can to get him seen today. As I said, if you can't get him into the GP, then &E is where you need to be. They will and can help you both. They do care and they will understand.

You haven't failed, you know? You've not let him down. I promise you. But you are exhausted. And you're emotionally attatched and you need to let someone, anyone help.

Be brave and take that first step. xx

[cestlavielife]

having ok moments was pattern too with my exP - and makes it more scary as you dont know when the next "attack" will be.....

apart from you who is his network? who does he talk to? who is there at work watching out for him?
have work noticed anything or does he hold it together there?

does he walk/drive/take bus to work?

what is worst that can happen if he misses the deadline or fails the assignment? is there a lot hanging on it? maybe things to discuss with him...


two weeks til 25th is a long time when someone is like this....talk to someone - ask GP about out of hours service? who can you call to get advice? crisis team?

who can you call eg friend or relative at short notice? what have DC noticed? is there someone they can go to if needs be?

you could try talking to him and asking him what he wants you to do if he has a "panic attack" again. decide on a plan together? eg when to call 999? take him to hospital? call GP? what would he like to happen if he feels like that again?

but if he wont discuss this then make a plan yourself even in our head as to at what point you call 999.

[cestlavielife]

in your head

[Conflugenglugen]

Orchid - my DH has bipolar, and I know exactly what he would suggest that you do in this instance, which has been echoed by other posters here: get a referral to your local psychiatric crisis team. Now. No delays.

This is serious, serious stuff, no matter how rational he seems today.

There is an incredibly high incidence of suicide in untreated bipolar, and he really needs to be stabilised with medication. I don't think anything else is going to work right now, not with what you're describing.

One of the main problems with mental illness is the denial that comes along with it, and I wouldn't for one minute buy your DP's assertions that he's okay. If psychiatrists based their treatment on how their patients told them they were feeling, a lot of people desperately in need of help would go untreated.

There are longer term treatments for bipolar that aren't exclusively medicine-based. But for now, your DP needs some emergency care to bring him back on to an even keel.

[Orchidlady]

Thanks for your thoughts, lately he has talked to me all the time about killing himself,how he would do it and this is in one of his more calm states. I think I was becoming numb to it but Saturday really worried me, sorry I keep repeating myself. He is self employed and basically if he does not pay his tax bill they are going to close him down. tbh the target that has been set in in my opinion unachievable. He works alone do no one to talk to there. My eldest is 20 so no child care issues. I don't think I am dealing this very well, when he is being normal it is easy to forget the strange behaviour and threats, does that make any sense. It it like I am overreacting. confused dot com

[Conflugenglugen]

Orchid - I'm going to say this gently but firmly, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way: reasoning, rationalising, going over what is going on in your DP's life, gauging how he is based on what he tells you or his current outward behaviour ... all of this is moot.

At the very first mention of suicide with someone diagnosed with bipolar who is not receiving treatment by a professional team, you march them, if at all possible, to the nearest crisis team/psychiatrist who is qualified to treat them. Your DP is not rational; right now, he is at the mercy of some severely out-of-kilter brain chemistry, which has the ability to influence his actions dramatically.

I am usually a very calm and measured poster here. Not, however, when someone is displaying the symptoms you write about. Please, please call.

[WriterofDreams]

It is a very scary and difficult situation. I do think you're dealing with it very well - you're talking to him and you're seeking advice. Depression is a real bitch of an illness because one of the symptoms of it is a refusal to seek treatment. It is very common for people with depression to want to brush it under the carpet. Also, periods of clarity are very common which makes the weird behaviour seem even weirder IYSWIM. It can be an impossibly difficult illness for friends and family to deal with, as the person tends not be honest about how they feel and at times they can be aggressive and push people away which makes others reluctant to try to help them.

The tax bill is worrying but to put it in perspective, it really will mean nothing if he kills himself. You might have done it already but it might be worth telling him that he is to call you any time he has any worries or anxieties. When I was depressed I found that talking about what was on my mind eased my fear. My DH never reacted to what I said, he just listened and this made me feel like I could say all the crazy things going around in my head (like thinking I had cancer for no good reason) without any repercussions. I'd often ask "Is that a sensible thought?" and he'd say either yes or no and explain why. I might tell him the same thought 5 other times and ask again (poor man) and he'd calmly explain it all again to me. Sounds odd but it really helped.