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My husband wants sex with me

(59 Posts)
ohsolonely Sat 04-Jun-11 20:11:32

but not to have fun with me.

All he goes on about is sex. "fancy some lovemaking?" being his bloody catchphrase at the moment. This little gem must be spouted out of his mouth around 20 to 30 times a day. Perhaps less in the week when he is at work but a day never passes without this catchphrase being blurted out at least a few times.

Our sex life is shit but then so is our relationship tbh. We live seperate lives but not without some effort on my part to get him to have some fun with me.

He never wants to go anywhere or do anything except go for a bike ride or a walk in the countryside. TBH - neither particuarly appeals to me but I do from time to time muck in and make an effort for his sake. But even these trips out dont go without a suggestion we can have sex whilst out or when we get home.

Day to day he kisses me frequently and does show signs of affection but to me they are not affection. A kiss turns into him feeling my breasts or thrusting to simulate sex. He often comes up behind me and starts thrusting away (pretend shagging) and comments "oh I could just do it/fuck you/make love to you"!!!!! I openly admit - this makes me avoid the kissing and cuddles, but then there are no cuddles, cuddles always without fail will involve a tit grope of him pushing my hand down by his balls!!!

A few years ago he had an affair. When we decided to try again we both were frank and open about the things that had made our relationship go shit. His issues were lack of sex when the DC were small and mine was being a nobody other than Mum. No life outside the home (back then I was a SAHM). No social life other than the school mums,PTA etc. We spoke at length several times. I explained I felt like a no one, just a mum so not sexual at all. I never had any reason to wear anything other than jeans and T shirt or even put make up on. I used to do my make up some days but TBH it was a waste of time just to pop to Sainsburys and do the school run. He said he understood this and we agreed that as the DC were growing up we needed to re-find ourselves a joint social life, some new friends and some fun. He said he understood my point that if once a month or so we had something like an evening out with friends (together) to look forward to and a reason to get a little bit glammed up I may feel desirable, a person (not just a mum) etc and want to have sex again.

Well it never really got off the ground really - our new joint social life. I did however, try very hard in bedroom department and made the effort to initiate sex and do it more reguarly. However, as time went by I started to get resentful as my life had not changed much. We chatted etc and he half heartedly tried with a pub tea once in a blue moon and usually improtu, so no time to get made up etc and never with company (usually with the kids).

So anyway, I gradually made some friends (female) and we started going out once a month on girls nights - pub tea and a few drinks. There is a group of 6 of us and we get on fab. We also make a point of having birthday nights out for all of us. I love these nights. I so look forward to them. I feel like ME again. DH is fine with me going. However, the other ladies have also started socialising as couples. Me and DH are invited to BBQs, take out nights etc but DH always has an excuse not to come (too tired, ill or just plain I cant be arsed). So I go (embarrassingly) on my own. No one seems to mind and my friends now dont ask why he never comes. However, what has really started to get my goat is when I go out on any of these evenings/afternoons out (2 x per month) DH always offers to pick me up etc so I can have a drink if I want. He then seems to wait for me to come home/call for a life and seems to expect sex. There was a night last year where I was stupidly drunk and ravished him when I came in the door - He has gone on and on and on about it ever since. SO much so, I jiust cringe every time he brings it up.

Last night was BBQ night at a mates and he was invited but didnt want to miss Britains Got Talent so stayed in. He dropped me off and said to call when I wanted picking up. He also said "get pissed as you like and come home horny, cos I fancy some sex tonight". TBH, he says something like this EVERY time and its just such a turn off. Its like he sits at home all night just waiting and hoping for a shag at the end of the night, and for what - where has he put any effort in spending time with me? having fun with me? etc.

If I stayed in more and lets bare in mind I am in 29 nights in a 31 night month - he is boring as hell at home. He sits there watching TV like TV is ending tomorrow. He sits on the remote and watches TV hardly speaking. He watches stuff like BGT and the apprentice and then when the programmes finish switches straight over to ITV2 etc and watches the follow up programmes. Between August and Xmas he turns into an Xfactor dweeb. He sits an watches TV says bugger all to me except in the adverts when he will say "Fancy some lovemaking".

Typing this out is awful. Reading this back (sorry its so long) I am sat here thinking What the hell am I doing here? I am not happy. I dont think I fancy him any more. Its all the sex talk, its overkill and just put me off for life. Its like he wants sex with me but nothing else. No relationship. No fun and No social life together.

Oh shit. I think deep down I have just realised I dont know if I want to come back from this - yes I feel lonely despite being married, but am sat here just thinking, I dont think I want to make this work, but its the kids etc etc (cliche I know) that makes me think OH GOD NO - YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK. But I just dont think I fancy the man he has become. A man with his hand in his trousers every night watching TV, speaking only to ask me if I want a coffee and then perhaps some lovemaking.

This afternoon I was in Tesco. And a bloke (in his 50's) was lookin at the books and called his wife over and said something about a certain book she wanted being there. Whilst she flipped throught he book, he put his hand on her shoulder and said something so normal but quite endearing about "I saw it and remembered you'd been looking out for that one for ages". He then pecked her on the top of her head before saying he was off to look at something else. I am not usually a soppy person but the warmth and affection was lovely. I could fee a lump in my throat and it just hit me. There is little affection from my husband. He probably thinks there is, but a similar situation if we were both in Tesco together would have been him saying "I nearly didnt tell you the book was there because if you buy it you'll be too busy reading it to have sex with me". Or something along those lines.

I am serious. Not a troll. I know some of what I have written is a bit boak!!! The "Lovemaking" makes me cringe every fucking time he says it.

Oh god - what am I to do? Dunno what to do? Dunno what I expect anyone to say really.

madonnawhore Sat 04-Jun-11 20:17:30

This might sound like a stupid and obvious question, but have you told him how off putting you find his behaviour?

If not, why not?

If you have, what is his response?

ohsolonely Sat 04-Jun-11 20:22:32

Yes I have and he just says I am so gorgeous/sexy/beautiful he just wants to do it with me all the time!!! hmm

I have told him bluntly. I have shouted. I have slapped his hadnds off me. I have run up behind him thrusting and grunting like he does.

I have sat him down whilst I was in tears and cried and told him its too much.

He says the same old crap and nothing ever changes sad

Do other peoples husbands carry on like this? Seriously? Is it me? I am some uptight frigid weirdo? Is this the norm behind closed doors in everyones house?

There was a time when we used to have fun together we were at it like rabbits. The fun stopped and so did my eagerness to have lots of sex with him.

Lizzabadger Sat 04-Jun-11 20:23:54

Oh god, he sounds disgusting. What do you get out of being in the relationship? Don't stay with him just because of the kids.

Kiwinyc Sat 04-Jun-11 20:24:46

i'd show him your post... You both sound seriously disconnected from each other. Do you still love him?

I think you need to tell him straight that pestering for sex is actually repellent. Gut churningly, puke makingly repellent. He will never look attractive to you again if he keeps on behaving like a teenage boy with his first hard on. And the next time he gropes or dry humps you, push him away and say very clearly 'NO'. If he won't respect you, or try and work on the relationship, I think for your own sanity you should think about whether you can put up with this for life. Because it sounds miserable.

madonnawhore Sat 04-Jun-11 20:24:53

So when he sees that his behaviour visibly upsets you he just sits there telling you he wants to fuck you?

No it's not normal and it's not ok for him to treat you like this.

No, this isn't normal. You are being sexually harassed by your own husband. Most men can control themselves, and certainly are able to read whether their advances would be welcome or not. If you are in tears over this issue and he's still doing it, I am tempted to call him an arsehole tbh.

Lizzabadger Sat 04-Jun-11 20:28:23

Tell him to go and get himself a blow-up doll and stop treating you like one.

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 04-Jun-11 20:29:09

Do you love him at all anymore?

Because it doesn't sound like you do (and no bloody wonder).

I'd personally be working out my exit strategy if I were you but realise thats easier said than done.

ohsolonely Sat 04-Jun-11 20:29:21

I think he uses the (boaking) words "lovemaking" in an attempt to make it sound less "I want to fuck you". He backs off with the suggestions and innendoes(sp?) briefly when I get upset but within days/perhaps a week. He is back to his usual self.

I am not opposed to fucking nor lovemaking - well never used to be, its just he has turned it into a life long obsession.

Because I no longer want to do it with him because of his behaviour I think we are stuck in a vicious circle. He does not get any and gets more desperate and more suggestive and I get more turned off.

bluebobbin Sat 04-Jun-11 20:29:47

I can understand him wanting sex, but he seems to have lost quite a lot of self control in continually pestering you. I am shocked at 20-30 times a day - I think that is really disrespectful - OK to ask and even ask again, but that many times shock

Is he "unable" to partake in any of your fun activities because he can't have sex?

It's hard. I wonder if you did do it then would he come to the BBQ? etc? Not that I am suggesting it's your fault, just a possible solution.

madonnawhore Sat 04-Jun-11 20:29:52

It is sexual harassment and bullying. He obviously has no regard for your feelings and is only concerned with what he wants.

TheFeministsWife Sat 04-Jun-11 20:31:40

TBH from your OP it sounds like you don't love him any more. Me and DH tend to go on and on about sex a lot during the day. blush And some of the things your DH says and does to you, my DH says and does to me but I like it. I think the main issue here is you don't like it, probably because you don't want to be with him any more? I suspect if it was the right bloke, you'd probably be all for it.

ohsolonely Sat 04-Jun-11 20:35:55

I am not sure I do love him anymore. I am just so turned off by his behaviour and I feel lonely.

I go to evrything on my own. I resent the fact he has so much energy into attempting sex but cannot put the effort in to do something with me.

I feel like he thinks its pointless going to a BBQ with other people because there is ZERO chance of a shag for the whole 3/4/5/ hours the BBQ is on for unless it just so happens to turn into a mass orgy (unlikely me thinks). I dont KNOW that he thinks this - its just how I perceive it.

strawberryjelly Sat 04-Jun-11 20:44:43

it's all a bit of a game though isn't it? if this goes on day after day then you are both acting out the same scenario.

If you were really getting through to him, he would change his behaviour.

If you keep saying the same things to him and it isn't working then you have to find a different way of dealing with it so that he changes his tack.

I wonder too if you need to raise your own self esteem and dress up etc for YOU- not because you are going out, or not, or for anyone else's benefit.

You sound a bit lonely full stop- apart from your girls nights out.
Do you need to get more in your life so you are happier and in a better place to deal with him?

If you said you wanted to separate would he react?

LeChatRouge Sat 04-Jun-11 20:45:02

Wow - long post. You sound thoroughly fed up.

Would it be fair to say that you both see sex as something you 'earn' the right to have - he thinks he earns it by allowing you to go out, you think he doesn't deserve it because he sits around watching tv and makes no romantic effort?

Question is can you rekindle the fun and loving feelings?

I think there are a few things to try before you throw in the towel.

I would go out for a meal together - being in public will mean you can discuss like adults. Tell him you are not sure you can carry on like this and how upset and sad you feel. Suggest you give yourselves 6 months to see if you can salvage anything.

Then make some plans, strike some bargains - requiring an attitude change and some effort from both of you. If you are agreeing to his choice of a walk in the countryside, then he must agree to come to the BBQs - that's what couples do.

In the evenings, turn the bloody tv off, play scrabble/open some wine and sit in the garden/have a meal after the kids are in bed etc etc - do something without the tv - together.

Say that you aren't going to have physical sex for a week/fortnight, but try the technique where you try and emotionally reconnect. One night massage, nothing more, one night share a bath, nothing more etc. This is a tried and tested technique - you will both find it difficult, but it could be worth it. More info about this on the internet, I'm sure.

How do you feel about Relate to explore more?

strawberryjelly Sat 04-Jun-11 20:46:01

Looking at your last post- have you told himthis?
Is he really dim? Which part of the sntence "I find this behaviour an utter turn off" does he not understand?
i think you have to be much more forceful with him and really spell it out.

holyShmoley Sat 04-Jun-11 20:51:38

he really hasn't taken on board what you're saying at all. Have you tried speaking to him in a tone of pitied disgust saying 'your attempts to woo me turn my vagina to sandpaper' or 'you know, i'm really not going to to have sex in lieu of a relationship.

I really would show him this thread. He sounds so lazy, and needs to ask himself why you should bother with the relationship when he won't

Abelia Sat 04-Jun-11 20:51:39

OP, do you actually ever have sex with him (other than the drunken ravishing on your part that you mentioned)? Do you "give in" to his pestering? Because if not it sounds utterly odd that he would go on and on like this. Like he's in with a chance.

if you do give in, even occasionally it seems like he's acting like a toddler having a tantrum - if you give in once they know they can do it again and perhaps get the same result. But he's not a toddler, and if he really can't see that this is a turn off and having the opposite effect then there is something quite wrong with his social / empathy skills.

fastweb Sat 04-Jun-11 20:58:33

"Do other peoples husbands carry on like this?"

Mine has.

I'm perhaps in a slightly different situation, I know that I withdrew from him physically because I was overwhelmed by all my roles, which meant my libido took a hit cos I felt put upon and ..tired.

The lack of sex made him worry about the loss of connection, the lack of intimacy.

So he would go for an optimistic grope when we had a kiss or a cuddle, which meant I got annoyed and started to avoid kisses and cuddles, which increased his worry about losing my love\affection\desire for him, and it went vicious circle on us.

Him going all paranoid about my not fancying him anymore turned him into a sex pest. I swear, it was like an overgrown be-penised mosquito with octopus arms stalking me.

Took a lot of talking and even more reminding to get him to understand even minimally that the mosquito\octopus act was a huge turn off. But I also had to make the effort to actually have sex when he laid off on the constant nagging.

I love it when we do it, but ... it's a bit like thinking of going swimming, all the hassle of depilatory, damp cossie, shivering by the pool is off putting and you forget how lovely the water is when you are in. So I am guilty of the tendency to put it off. And off. And off.

He has had relapses. The most recent one I decided to beat fire with fire and not only went for it when he asked, as soon as he asked, but went on to make demands of my own later on in the same day. I think by the third time we had had sex in as many days he started running a way from me when I went all "come hither" on him (thank god cos frankly my fluffy bits were shocked rigid by all the repeated action and were on the verge of calling their union rep). That headed of the return of the sex pest in its tracks, mainly because it got us giggling over the role reversal.

But I am not dealing with the hurt of an affair, so I don't know if the above is of much use to you in terms of things that might be worth trying.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with the sex pest issue and you are not a wierdo. Or at least if you are , you aren't the only one (=

BertieBotts Sat 04-Jun-11 21:02:49

He's actually sexually harassing you, constantly.

I didn't read the OP as thinking her DH has to "earn" sex, but more that because they don't have much of a relationship apart from his sex pestering, she just isn't interested at the moment. Almost like he thinks of sex as something he has a right to because they are married, rather than a nice thing to do together when you have an emotional connection with someone.

(And okay I know you can have sex without an emotional connection, but that's not the point here - they are married and it's not the same as that kind of casual sexual relationship. At least, it shouldn't be.)

BertieBotts Sat 04-Jun-11 21:08:43

Every time I try and word this it comes out wrong, so I'll keep it simple.

It's okay to leave this relationship if it's making you this unhappy.

ohsolonely Sat 04-Jun-11 21:47:28

Thank you all for your input.

I am just so down at the mo with it. Its endless. If I had sex with him tonight he would still want it again in the morning and then tomorrow afternon and on and on and on.

I dont think I love him anymore. I have recently (last 12 months) taken on a full time college course and part time job. I am refinding myself. I have tried to involve my husband and he is fab helping with the DC so I can do homework etc BUT he will not have fun with me. I feel so isolated and lonely in one aspect of my life. I have no one to share stuff with. All he wants to share is our bodies, not our minds, not our sense of humour, not our interests.

I do still hurt re his affair (end of 2007). Not like I used to in a bitter heartbroken way but more of disgust. I still sometimes get moments where something mundane in everyday life will happen and then like a slap across the face - another penny drops, about his affair, something insignificant usually perhaps I recall him telling me he was working at X when on reflection its probable he was with his OW. I dont dwell on it or get particuarly distressed but yep a small part of me still feels let down by him and kind of like "seedy" I mean he is so obsessed by sex and she was just there to fill the void for him.

I think I need to make a big decision about the future. deep down i think I know its gone beyond the point of repair for me. The comment someone made about the fact if I really fancied him I would love all the attention - god yeah thats true. I still want sex but its just a turn off with someone so desperate for it. I mean I have been turned off sex in a way because of his obsession but do wonder if I was single and a hottie man was up for it, then I would be alot more up for it than I am right now with my husband.

That speaks volumes doesnt it.

How the hell do you end 18 years together. I am scared. I think deep down I know I am not 100% wanting to be with him anymore, but I do still love him but not in the right way.

I am so confused and sad. I would not know where to go if I leave and OMG the poor kids will be gutted. Oh shit. My head is screwed.

strawberryjelly Sat 04-Jun-11 21:50:59

would he go to Relate with you? it sounds as if he has basic communication issues if he cannot take on board what you tell him.

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